CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE
Auggie
Time heals all, I’m told. I disagree. I believe that time blunts the memory as a scab closes a wound. It never truly heals for that would make it completely disappear. But life moves on, and it’s up to each of us to make the best of it.
Six weeks after his accident, my baby boy opened his eyes. Three days after that, they were able to take him off the respirator. He couldn’t speak at first, and we didn’t know if it was from brain damage or from being on a ventilator for so very long. At first, he could only blink his response, then he grew strong enough to squeeze my hand. Then, miracles upon miracles, he opened his mouth and said his first word. “Mom.”
After that, things seemed to move quickly, more quickly than I thought they should. He was taken out of ICU and admitted to a rehab unit for intensive therapy. I wanted to scream at the doctors and nurses to stop. To give him time to rest. Time to recover. But no, they were getting him into a chair. Then on his feet. They didn’t listen to the cries of pain that tore at my soul.
And it was a good thing because, slowly, he began to get better.
I spent many hours at the hospital, sometimes with Worth and Marga. Sometimes alone. I would simply sit with Mark or we’d watch something stupid on TV. He was quiet, still getting his bearings, still trying to retrieve some of the memories he’d lost. His speech was still hard to understand at times, but his speech therapist was making a difference.
“H-Hawk v-visited me this m-morning,” he said, and I understood those words clearly enough.
I examined his face for any anxiety, but there was none. “Did you have a good visit?”
“Y-yes. I d-discovered him. I mean….” His face turned red as he searched for the right word. “I m-mean… I remembered him.” He was getting frustrated with himself. Instead of babying him, I let him process his frustration on his own, the way the therapists told me to. He needed a mother, but he didn’t need to be mothered right now.
“I’m sure he was glad you are so much better now,” I offered tentatively, still unsure if what he remembered was good or bad.
He nodded. “He t-told me about the f-fight and asked me to f-forgive him. I asked him to f-forgive m-me too.”
My face grew hot and I worked hard to blink away the tears. They came anyway, burning a line down my face. “That’s wonderful, honey,” I said, squeezing his hand.
“Yes. F-family is im…” I waited for as long as he needed to finish the word and smiled when he did. “Important.”
***
When I wasn’t at the rehab center, I turned my attention to the farm. Over the years, I’d found a continuity within nature that pulled me back from the brink. The horses welcomed me, and the exercise stimulated my blood. For the time being, I set aside relationships and problems. As I was learning, these were often resolved on their own and didn’t require my interference.
One such example was Brandon and Lily. I wasn’t even sure that Brandon still had a law practice as his days were spent at our farm. He and Lily were a common sight, and I was amused to hear they had even begun to bicker a bit. This was always a sign of people being comfortable with one another. They no longer worried about making good impressions. At that point, relationships were like worn-in jeans or shoes — no matter how they appeared to the outsider, they just felt right.
Lily confessed to me one day that they’d become quite attached to one another and was feeling me out about how I felt on that topic. I had a feeling where all that was headed. Sure enough, Brandon proposed and Lily accepted. They both still wanted to have a family, and that clock was rapidly winding down. Lily asked whether they might be married in the high pasture that fall. I not only told her that would be wonderful but opened the hotel to her and her guests for the reception and in case of inclement weather. It felt good to have some positive spirits around the place.
Hawk and Liane continued to visit often when Worth was scarce. Liane was growing heavier and was even more beautiful than before. She was blossoming in many ways. So was Hawk. Their love for one another showed in every gesture, every sentence they spoke. Love was truly in the air.
Marga was getting ready for her senior year and all that had to offer. In a strange way, Mark’s accident seemed to calm her down and made her accept life more maturely. I’d heard stories about cases wherein one of the conceptual twins doesn’t survive, and the healthy fetus absorbs the other. It almost seemed as if she had absorbed Mark’s calm and common sense at the accident. Perhaps it was how she paid tribute to him.
She visited him nearly every day. Often, she’d drag her friends with her, which always cheered him up.
Worth, it seemed, had grown numb. He functioned mechanically, going to work each day and coming home as regular as clockwork. He didn’t drink but neither did he smile. He slept next to me in the bed at night, but he may as well have been a ghost. I knew eventually something would burst and hoped that I’d be there to help him through it.
Liane’s girlfriend threw a baby shower for her, and it was held at the vicarage. I was invited and looked forward to being around excited young women. I arrived a bit early and brought bowls of salads that Letty had contributed. I found Liane’s father sweeping the step outside the church when I pulled in. He had been very kind during the first few days after Mark’s accident and had visited him several times in the hospital. I’d never thanked him properly for that.
“Good afternoon, Rev. Coventry,” I shouted from the parking lot. “I’ve got quite a bit of food here that needs to be refrigerated. Where shall I take it?”
He motioned me in to the church and showed me the commercial refrigerators in the kitchen. We stowed the bowls there and settled into his office for a chat.
“You know, I never thanked you properly for your kindness,” I began.
“That’s not necessary, but you are most definitely welcomed, and I include you all in my prayers daily,” he said, holding a match up to his pipe. “Do you mind?”
“Not at all. When I was young, my dad smoked a pipe from time to time, and the scent brings back pleasant memories.”
“So, Mrs. LaViere, how are you faring? Is Mark continuing to get better?”
“Please, call me Auggie.”
“Only if you’ll call me Ben.”
“That’s much better. Thank you, Ben. We’re all sort of caught in perpetual motion. Mark is making progress daily, but he still has a long road ahead of him. Marga has settled down, which is a good thing. Worth is pretty numb. And me? Well, perhaps I’m the hub of all that motion.”
“Liane speaks so well of you. I know that she’s glad you’re nearby, her not having her mother and all through this pregnancy,” he said kindly, puffing and blowing the smoke in the direction of an opened window.
“She’s like a daughter to me. She stayed with me almost all the time, immediately after the accident. And she visits Mark every day and I think he looks forward to seeing her the most. She’s a very special young lady. You should be very proud of her.”
“I am,” he nodded, “I am. What you see is her mother, though. Her mother was a gentle soul. She had the knowing, the same as Liane, but I think Liane’s is stronger. Judith was never very strong, however. We waited a very long time for Liane to be given to us and after she was born, the doctors warned that Judith shouldn’t have any more children. It had simply taken too much out of her.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
“Ah, no, no reason to be sorry. We had Liane and who could have asked for a better blessing? To think that today we’re celebrating her child about to be born, well…” his voice trailed off as he lost himself in a memory.
I sat quietly, allowing him his moment.
“May I be frank, Auggie?” He snapped back from his reverie and looked to me.
“Of course.”
He drew upon his pipe, forming the right words. “This, this difficulty between Hawk and his father. I must admit that it troubles me. Liane is very sensitive, as you know. I’m a bit concerned that their hostility is less than healthy for her and for the child. We’ve always had a peaceful house, you see. Liane has never learned to deal with an ongoing tension. I’m not sure how well she’s handling it.”
I nodded. “I understand. I wish they would settle their differences, but they are both the same, and that’s where it begins. They tend to almost cherish resentment, as though it’s necessary to their mental being and self-respect. I have no idea what to do about it,” I confessed.
The bells in the church steeple rang out the hour then, and the sound was peaceful and restorative. How much joy and misery had that church bell known?
“I don’t suppose going to church would…” he let the sentence trail as I shook my head.
“I’m afraid not, Ben. Neither one would be very regular, I’m afraid.”
“Counseling?”
“Worth is a psychologist, remember? No, I’m afraid he holds himself above we mortals when it comes to self-healing.”
“I hope you don’t mind, Auggie, but Liane has filled me in on the difficulty. If I might be so bold, I wonder if you might not hold the key?”
I stared at him, unsure if I heard him correctly. “Me?”
“Men are solitary creatures. They don’t share well, each having his own territory. When he makes a family, he provides for them and lives for them. Without them, he has no purpose. Do you see where I’m headed?” he asked, drawing on his pipe again.
The air was filled with the sweet cherry scent of his tobacco, and I had to admit it was beginning to stifle me a bit. “Might we take a walk, Ben?”
He instantly recognized the problem and tamped out his pipe. “Of course, of course, how thoughtless of me.”
We left the church and strolled along the sidewalk. “Go on with what you were saying, Ben, please.”
“Oh, yes, yes, quite. Indeed, as I was about to say, men need a purpose behind their ability to provide. They need a sense of recognition, perhaps even a reward. They fight for their king, or in this case, country. They feed, clothe, and shelter their family, but for themselves? They drink and sport, but they are constantly competing to be the best. Even the weakest man must find some way to be the strongest, if you see what I mean.”
“I do, Ben, I really do,” I answered, a bit amazed at how unique it felt to have a conversation that was about something other than horses or business.
“I’m wondering whether Worth and Hawk are nothing more than highly-spirited men who have no opportunity to compete, other than in anger and for your approval? They are equally strong, although Hawk has the advantage of youth and this thwarts Worth’s ability to maintain the leadership role on every count, in every situation. I believe they are competing for your acknowledgement.”
We strolled nearly to the corner while I processed what he was telling me. “I see where you’re going with this, and I have to say, I’d never really thought of it like that. Yes, you’re right; they’re both very competitive.” I was intent on his words but becoming more thoughtful.
“Yes, yes. Now, in this case, Worth and Hawk were born into money. Money is the scorekeeper, you see, but only for those who began with none. Therefore, there are no means of acknowledging a victor here — not in any category.”
I nodded, enthusiastic to hear such a monumentally indescribable situation be explained in logical terms. “Go on,” I encouraged him.
“Therefore, either the men must separate enough that they no longer compete, or there must be an alternate reward or recognition. There is only one you, Auggie.” I nodded, understanding. “However, the reward is different for each of them. It is up to you to clearly define this. To Worth, you are wife. You must let him know this and acknowledge that he is a good husband, provider and so forth. To Hawk, you are mother. He must feel the security of your love and support and be encouraged to become his own man. Neither man can question his role in your life. You must be very careful not to hold approval of one over the other’s head.”
I stopped walking and was stunned by the simplicity.
“Yes, I see you are what we Brits call gobsmacked.” He smiled and patted my shoulder encouragingly.
“You’ve hit it on the head, Ben. I’ve accused Worth of being a bad father because of his personality traits then told Hawk that he’s exactly like his father. That put them on par and naturally, they’re fighting to prove me wrong. If, as you say, my opinion carries the weight it does, then I’ve gone about this all wrong! I’ve encouraged, rather than helped to resolve their differences.”
“Exactly,” Ben said, smiling with the reward of having been a good counselor.
“I can’t tell you what this means to me, Ben. Thank you,” I gushed and kissed him on the cheek.
“It will take some thinking on your part, Auggie,” he cautioned. “Old habits are difficult to break. We must first realize which part of our behavior is inspired by logic and which by habit. Once the patterns are discerned, we can begin to make adjustments. Nothing too drastic, mind you. That becomes noticeable and certainly Worth, with his professional training, will see what you’re up to.”
I smiled. “You know him well.”
“As he knows you. I believe the trick will be in how you allow yourself to think of each of them. Your behavior toward them will reflect that thought pattern. Resentment encourages defense — you get the idea.”
We heard laughter behind us as the guests began to arrive. “Ben, you may have changed the outcome for not only Liane but everyone in our family. Let’s head back, shall we?”
“With pleasure. Just remember… it falls to you to determine the boundaries.”
“I’ll remember,” I agreed and took his arm as he held it out to me. We strolled toward the church just as Liane emerged and ran to hug me.
The baby shower was just the thing to lighten my mood that afternoon. Liane sat, surrounded by friends and well-wishers, opening gift after gift and expressing delight at each new surprise. The refreshments were bountiful, and there was anticipation in the air. I hugged Ben and Liane as I left, offering to carry back anything that wouldn’t fit in Liane’s car. She appreciated the gesture, and we loaded a stroller into my trunk. “I’ll get the rest when I come to visit Dad,” Liane explained. I waved as I drove off and the drive home was the first pleasantly decent day I’d enjoyed in a long, long time.
While I was in such a positive mood, I went the back way and pulled into the short drive outside Hawk’s gate. I didn’t need to call him. He monitored my arrival and opened the gates from inside the house. I pulled in just as he walked out the door and toward me, giving me a welcoming hug.
“How was the shower? Do I need a storage pod?” He grinned, and I rejoiced. His smile was a beautiful sight to see. I don’t even notice his scars anymore.
“The shower, young man, was absolutely delightful. Lianne’s friends are friendly and welcomed me. I spent some time with Ben, chatting. Overall, I’m very glad I went. And yes, you can start with the stroller that’s packed into my trunk.”
Hawk was watching my face as he lifted it out and carried it toward the house. He could see my mood was definitely lighter, and it seemed to please him. This was the beginning of many realizations to come. He was accustomed to my face being sad and worried — this was a pleasant improvement.
“Come in,” he invited. “I don’t think I’ve ever shown you around, have I?”
“I’d love to.” This was exactly the sort of thing that Ben had talked about.
Hawk put the stroller into a spare bedroom and shut the door. “The nursery in case we don’t get the house done in time,” he explained, and I nodded.
“I hear you have Beverly doing it for you?”
“She’s a dream, Mom. I see now why you used her for the pool. I thought it would mostly still fall to me, and I’m not crazy about all that design stuff. But she just consults when she has a major question or asks Liane decorating plans, and for the most part, she’s doing it all on her own. I’d like to take you up and show you around if you have time?”
“Sure. I’d really like to see your office, though. The inner sanctum as it were?”
He nodded and took me to the door that led to the lower level. There was a keypad lock, and he quickly punched in the number. “Mother, in case anything should happen to me, I want you to know where I keep things. The keypad number is 8-7-4-5 and when we go down, I’ll show you the safe. Liane will know this too, but I’d rather you were a backup.” I understood where all his contingency planning was coming from. We had learned, just too recently, how quickly life could turn on a dime.
We went down wide steps and into what I could only term as a bunker. The walls, ceiling, and floor were concrete with no windows or natural light. “I’m not sure I could work down here very long.”
“Oh, you’d see the logic of it if you were on a monitor as often and long as I am. You have to reduce the glare and eye strain,” he explained. “Now this,” he hit a key, and a bank of monitors came to life, “is the brains behind the business. I design apps for companies.”
“Really? Like I have on my phone?” I was suitably impressed.
“Well, strictly speaking, yes, except you can’t get to these apps. They’re proprietary to the company who hires me. Each company has their own internal servers for their employees. My apps interact with their private computers. There is a great deal of very valuable information passing through those boxes. If it got into the wrong hands, it could do a great deal of damage on a corporate level. Now you understand the reason for the security.”
I nodded and felt pride. I was also relieved to realize that the fences and gate were not to keep family out, but to keep his business impenetrable. “I had no idea you were this successful, honey.” He noticed my term of endearment and beamed with pride. I felt as though we were making real strides. Hawk showed me the safe and gave me the combination. He opened it and went through the papers it held, explaining his holdings and how to access them. I felt trusted and valued that he’d share this with me. “You know, this sort of thing has been on my mind too. There’s so much about the business of running the farm that would stop if something happened to me. Lily is getting married to Brandon, you know?”
“I’d heard through the grapevine,” he said, referring to Liane I was sure.
“It would take a lot off my mind if you would come by sometime and let me show you where everything is kept. I’d feel a lot better.”
“Sure. Be happy to. If you like, I can set up your computer system so that it backs up automatically to one of my servers here. That’s good to have in case of fire or flood.”
“What a wonderful idea! Thank you, that would be great.”
We walked back upstairs, and he laid out the house plans on the dining room table. He showed me the design of the building itself and how it took advantage of the view of the river and countryside. I could see his pride in being able to provide Liane with such a showplace home and was very glad I’d given them that particular parcel of property. Perhaps it was my personal encouragement to keep him close at hand and not move somewhere far away. Seeing the building plans relieved me of that angst.
“Want to take a first-hand look?” he invited.
“Sure, that would be nice.”
Hawk pulled an ATV side-by-side out of the garage, and we bumped and jiggled over the pasture up to the house site. We walked through it entirely, him pointing out the rooms we’d looked over on the plans. Although the house was little more than a shell at that point, its bones were unique and spacious. “We modeled it on architecture we saw on our honeymoon,” he pointed out.
As we headed back to the house, we saw Liane’s car pulling into the drive. She waved up to us and headed to the house with an armload of packages. Hawk stepped on the accelerator so he could get down and help her. As she came back out, he waved her off and motioned that he was coming. It was so wonderful to see the love he had for her.
“You’re a lucky man, sweetheart. You’ve chosen the best wife anyone could wish for you.”
“I am indeed lucky.” I was overjoyed to hear the pride in his voice and an awareness of his blessing. It seemed that Ben knew what he was talking about. I resolved to work on Worth, although he would be more difficult.
I said my goodbyes and headed home. Worth was watching television in the family room and Marga, it appeared, was out somewhere. He watched very little television, so I found this odd.
“Hi,” I smiled as I came in.
“How was the shower?” he asked without looking up.
“Actually, it was very, very nice, to tell you the truth. Liane has charming friends. She got beautiful gifts, and I chatted with her father for a while. He’s an exceptionally nice man.”
“Yes, he is, what little I’ve spoken to him. Letty is making pot roast for dinner. Should be ready soon.”
“Good… sounds good,” I responded. I looked at the television. There was a soccer game playing. Worth hated soccer. “Worth, could we talk a bit?” I asked, motioning at the screen. He nodded and after locating the remote, flipped it off. “What’s up?”
“Have I told you lately that I love you?”
Worth’s head literally jerked backward at my words. He wasn’t sure how to reply, I could tell. “What brought that on?”
“I just think it’s been a very long time since I’ve told you that. I don’t want you to forget about it, or about me.”
His voice was tender. “I never forget about you, Auggie. You’re always on my mind. Especially lately.”
I sighed and sat back in my chair. “Yes, I know, things have been pretty rough for everyone. I’ve needed you, you know. At night, I want to just crawl into your arms and be held.”
“Then why don’t you?”
I searched for the right words. “I suppose it’s because you seem sort of insulated. As if you’re living in a world of your own that doesn’t want any outside interference.”
“Not true. I would love to hold you.”
Tears burned the back of my eyes, but I battled them back. “Worth, women have a different kind of strength than men do.”
“I know that.”
I smiled. “Yes, I know academically you know that, but since you’ve never been a woman, you really don’t know what it feels like. Anyway, there’s something in my core that keeps me going no matter what. But that doesn’t mean that I’m independent. I’m lonely for you. I need your hugs. I need your reassurances that everything will be okay.”
“It will be okay, honey.”
“We don’t know that at all. Life changes course so quickly, but we also know that there’s so much more ahead we haven’t seen yet. I don’t want to miss it. I want you there with me, fully aware and supportive. I don’t know how I could get through it if I thought you weren’t going to be there.”
“I’ll always be here, Auggie. You don’t need to worry about that.”
I bit my lip. “There’s something else I’ve been thinking about.”
“What’s that?”
“I want to retire.”
His eyes grew wide. “Retire?”
“Yes. The farm is starting to be too much. Mark will begin home schooling soon, but we don’t yet know when he’ll graduate or what he will want to do after that. Marga is off to college next year, and I heard her mention to a friend that she’d like to study in France.”
“France?”
“I know… I know… probably one of her whims, but actually it wouldn’t be a bad idea for her to go abroad for a year just to know what the world is like outside of Kentucky. Would look better on her resume too.” I smiled. “Believe me, she can use help with her resume. You’ll probably have to buy her way into a school. But, the fact remains that I’m starting to feel that I’d like to do something else for a change.”
“Like what?”
“Like nothing, like be with you. With our children. Maybe, when Mark is better even travel a bit?”
Worth nodded. “Have been thinking the same thing myself, actually. Ever since I saw those pictures from Hawk and Liane’s honeymoon.”
I held my breath. That was the first time he’d mentioned that day, and he’d actually used Hawk’s name without contempt. I could hardly believe my ears. “See? I would too. I’ve always wanted to see the British Isles. Liane makes them sound so charming. I’d like to visit New Zealand and Australia and perhaps a bit of Germany and France. Maybe we could take everyone after the baby is born, and then get Margo settled in France when she’s ready.”
He was sitting forward in his chair. I could tell the idea intrigued him. It represented a new sort of life for him. We both needed that so badly, especially now. We needed family.
“What about the farm?” he asked.
“Well, that’s the other part of what I was thinking about. You know Lily and Brandon are getting married, right?” He nodded. “Obviously, they’re going to be intent on making a family and Lily won’t be staying on as farm manager. That means it will all be back in my lap. I don’t want all that responsibility. I’m worn out with it.”
“So, what do you want to do?” He was genuinely interested, judging by his tone. I heard the difference in his voice. He was mentally invested in my plans. That hadn’t happened before.
“I’m not completely sure yet. We could sell it, or I could simply hire a new manager to replace Lily when that time comes.” I looked at him through my lashes. “What do you think?”
“I have a better idea.”
I held my breath, letting him continue. I looked at him with anticipation on my face, letting him believe that I’d not thought any further. It was important that he be leading this party.
“Give it to Hawk.”
“Hawk?” I almost jumped up from my seat in joy. Now he was in the position of advocate for the very person I’d wanted to give it to anyway.
“Well, why not? He can handle the farm, he’s next door and building a new house. He can look over all this land and run it as easily as his place alone. He’s having a child, and that child should be able to know he or she comes from something that was built with family blood and sweat. Maybe deed him everything but this house and a hundred or so acres for our personal use. That way we’ll still be close enough for you to bounce your grandchild on your lap.”
“Worth, what a wonderful idea! I love it.” I praised him, really, authentically praised him. I’d hoped for this outcome but hadn’t really believed it would occur. At that moment, I realized that when it came to adulation, his professional side shut down. He was not the least bit suspicious. I’d used Ben’s advice and ended up precisely where I wanted to be. Just by being the loving wife he needed.
“How about your clinic? Do you think you might want to retire?”
“I’ll have to give that some thought. I could let Deborah run this one, but I don’t think I’m ready to retire completely. A little too young for that.”
“True. Maybe we’ll take some time off and stumble across something entirely new that the two of us can do together. Or all of us as a family. You never know.”
“No, you never know.”
Letty’s announcement that dinner was ready couldn’t have come at a better time. “I think we’ll eat on the patio, Letty.”
In typical Letty style, she responded, “Well, I’m not carrying everything out there after I’ve set the table in here. Get your plate, fill it up and eat wherever you want, I don’t care.” I really loved her sass. It was like having a mother in the house.
Worth was quite cheerful that evening. We played a few hands of cribbage, and he talked about places we could visit that would be handicap and baby accessible. He seemed as if a bit of life had been restored. I would have to give Ben an extra hug the next time I saw him. I couldn’t believe the answer had been there all the time, right in my control, and I hadn’t seen it. I was a better supporter to the horses I raised than to my own family.
I decided not to say anything to Hawk about giving them the farm. I would leave that up to Worth, let him make it his idea and do it in his own good time. It would be better that way. I would however, ask him not to say anything until after Lily’s wedding. I didn’t want her to think I was pushing her out. I knew that at some point in the interim, she would be coming to me with her resignation. It would be easier on both of us if we knew she wasn’t letting me down.