Chapter 18
Leo
I was on my way to the hospital to see Casper and my hands were sweating. I wasn’t nervous. There wasn’t anything to be nervous about. But, hell, I wanted a drink.
After I saw Casper, I was going to pick up Gray, and I knew without a doubt that I was going to deal with drama from Ashley’s mom, Kathy. Drama that was going to freak Gray out and make me want to throw the woman through a wall. When I’d texted her earlier in the day, she’d gotten back to me an hour later with some shit about how Gray could spend another night at her house. After, I’d told her I’d be there in a few hours to pick him up. While she hadn’t come out and actually said it, I knew that Gray wasn’t going to be ready to leave when I got there and she was going to argue that shit for a hot minute before she gave up and let me take him. I wasn’t looking forward to it.
I also wasn’t looking forward to whatever talk Casper wanted to have with me. I didn’t know if he was going to rip me a new one or apologize, but neither of those options sounded appealing when I couldn’t even get my head straight about what had happened. I knew Ashley was gone intellectually, but it still didn’t feel that way. We went days without talking sometimes, that wasn’t anything new. If one of us had Gray, and nothing important was happening, we didn’t feel the need to chat. Sure, I’d get picture messages and shit every couple of days if I hadn’t seen him in a while, but that was pretty much the extent of it. Knowing that Gray was with his grandma made it even harder to feel Ashley’s absence. There wasn’t any need for her to contact me.
I wiped my hands on my jeans as I climbed out of the Suburban and lit up a cigarette as I walked toward the hospital’s entrance, giving me a few more minutes to stall. I needed to quit fucking smoking. I needed to quit doing a lot of stupid shit now that I was Gray’s only parent. Only parent—what a mindfuck. Never in a million years had I thought that I’d be doing that shit on my own. From the first second I’d known about him, I’d had a partner to depend on. Someone I could call in the middle of the night when he had a fever from teething and I didn’t know what the fuck to do. Someone to bitch to when he took a permanent marker to the walls in my apartment.
Now it was just me.
I crushed the finished cigarette under the toe of my boot and threw the butt in the trash as I walked inside the hospital and headed toward the elevators. I needed to get this shit done so I could go get my boy. I’d never before needed the feeling of his little body pressed up against mine so badly, the reassurance that he was okay, even though everything around us was fucking spinning.
I asked the nurse on his floor which room Casper was in, and less than a minute later, I was standing in the doorway, feeling like a kid that had just been called to the principal’s office.
“Leo,” Farrah said, getting to her feet so she could hug me. “How you doin’, kid?”
“Alright.”
“Liar.” She smacked my chest, but gave me a small smile. “You need any help, just let me know. This one’s been getting on my nerves, so I don’t mind leaving him.”
“You’re full of shit,” Casper said dryly, lifting his chin at me.
“How you doin’?” I asked after I’d cleared my throat. The guy had IVs and tubes coming out from all angles under his blankets, and his skin was pale as hell.
“Pissin’ in a bag, but they’ve got me on the good shit, so there’s that,” he answered.
“I’m gonna go get some coffee,” Farrah said, passing me. “I’ll be back later.”
“Why don’t you go home and take a fuckin’ nap instead?” Casper called as she pulled the door closed behind her without responding.
Then it was just me and him, and I had no idea what to say.
“How you really doin’?” he asked as I stepped further into the room.
“Who the fuck knows?” I replied honestly, leaning against the wall.
“Not hittin’ yet?”
“Not really. Gotta pick Gray up in a bit, figure it’ll be worse then.”
“Probably right,” he said quietly, looking down at his lap.
“I—”
“So—”
We both spoke at the same time, so I snapped my mouth shut, gesturing at him to go first.
“I’m so fuckin’ sorry, son,” Casper said gruffly, shaking his head. “He came outta nowhere, and there was nothin’ I could do. They took my blood when they picked me up, it’s got no alcohol in it, you’ll see.”
“Didn’t think that,” I said quickly, raising my hand to try and stop his words.
“I thought I was doin’ the right thing—takin’ her home—I thought I’d get her outta there before you two said somethin’ you’d regret.”
“Shouldn’t have been fightin’ anyway,” I replied, my stomach twisting at the memory. “It was about stupid shit that wouldn’t have even come up if we hadn’t been drinkin’.”
“It happens,” Casper said gently. “Can’t tell you the amount of times me and Farrah have gone at it about the smallest shit you can imagine because we were toasted. That’s life, kid. You fight and you make up, and you do the best you can.”
I nodded, my throat tight.
“She wasn’t in any pain,” he said softly, his words like a knife in my chest. I put my hand over my face to block it out, but I could still hear him. “It was over in a second and she didn’t have any idea. I swear to ya. She was gone before the car stopped spinnin’.”
A sob worked up my throat, but I held it back with sheer will. Nodding so that he knew I’d heard him, I slid to my ass, my knees almost smacking my chin as I landed.
“Not sure how I’m gonna explain it to Gray,” I whispered, scrubbing my hands over my face. “Not sure how I’m gonna do any of it.”
“Small blessing,” Casper replied. “He’s so young that this is gonna be a blip on his radar.”
“Not sure if that’s a blessing.”
“It is, son. I promise you that. Hate the fact that he’s not gonna know her, hate it. But Christ, it would be so much worse for him if he was any older. The same for you, but worse for him.”
I nodded my understanding, even though I couldn’t imagine how any of it could be any worse. My son was going to grow up without a mother. There was no way to see that as any kind of blessing.
“When they’re little,” Casper continued as I let my head fall forward between my knees. “You worry that they’ll fall. Constantly watch them to make sure they’re not puttin’ shit in their mouth or touchin’ somethin’ that could hurt ’em. Once they’re older, though, it get’s harder. You gotta worry about other kinds of wounds, the kind that don’t leave marks, but stick around a lot longer.”
“Kid’s fucked with me as a parent,” I mumbled.
“Nah, you’ll do alright. Every dad thinks that shit, probably every mom, too. No one thinks they’re gonna do everything right, and if someone told ya otherwise, they were lyin’. We’re all just makin’ shit up on the fly, takin’ it as it comes and regrettin’ half the shit we do.”
“You sure she didn’t know—” I started to ask again, my mind unable to move past the thought of Ashley scared out of her mind and wondering what the fuck had just happened.
“I’m sure, bud,” Casper said, his voice echoing a little as he laid his head back to stare at the ceiling. “She was pretty much passed out by the time we went through the gate. By the time that guy hit us, she was completely asleep. Didn’t even see the headlights of his truck.”
“You were pretty fucked up, though,” I argued. “After, I mean.”
“Didn’t lose consciousness until I was on my way to the hospital,” Casper reassured me, his words coming out choked. “I was awake for all of it, and she wasn’t. Not for a second. She fell asleep and she didn’t wake up.”
“Okay,” I said, letting that information seep into my pores. “Okay.”
“If there was somethin’ I coulda done,” he said, his voice almost a whisper. “Swear to Christ, Leo, if I coulda helped her, I woulda. But she was already gone.”
“Thanks,” I said, nodding absently as I lifted my head.
“Didn’t want you thinkin’ about that shit, worryin’ what it was like for her.”
“I was.”
“I know, son. I’d have been doin’ the same damn thing.” He cleared his throat. “That’s why I sent Lily to get ya. Wanted to talk to you man-to-man before any more time passed.”
“Nice move,” I said sarcastically, meeting his eyes. “Sending Lil to me.”
“Knew she’d get you here.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Ya haven’t been able to tell her no since she was knee high to a grasshopper. Didn’t see that changin’ just cause you hadn’t seen her in a while.”
“Asshole,” I muttered, only half serious.
“Also figured you’d be glad to see a friendly face.”
“Lots of friendly faces around the clubhouse,” I shot back.
“None that look like my Lily,” he said just as quickly.
“Don’t start steppin’ in shit that’s none of your business,” I warned, pushing myself to my feet.
“I’d think you’d realize by now that it doesn’t matter how old your kids are, they’ll always be your business.”
“I appreciate the talk,” I said, ignoring his words. “More than ya know.”
“Of course,” he said.
“You want me to send Farrah back in here?”
“If you see her.”
“Hell,” I said, scoffing. “You know she’s right outside the damn door.”
“No doubt,” Casper said with a tired smile. “Can’t seem to escape the woman.”
“Like you’d ever want to,” I replied.
As soon as I opened the door, I found Farrah standing across the hall, sipping a coffee as she played a game on her phone. She’d gone where she’d said she was planning to, but I was willing to bet she’d been back in less than five minutes. Like most of the old timers in the club, Farrah and Casper’s relationship was an abnormally close one. You didn’t see one of them without the other very often.
“He’s all yours,” I said as I gestured to the door behind me.
“Thanks, hun,” she replied, shoving her phone into her pocket. “And thanks for coming to see him. He’s been worryin’ about it all day.”
“Of course.”
“I know he sent Lily,” she said slowly, watching my face for a reaction. “Since you showed up, I’ll assume that you didn’t boot her ass out the second you saw her.”
“I didn’t,” I verified.
“Good.” She took a deep breath, then gave me a sad smile. “Sometimes shit doesn’t work out, you know? And I know there’s a lot of hurt on both sides… but try to be kind, alright? My girl was young, and immature, and maybe didn’t handle shit the way she should’ve. But times like these, you’re gonna need your friends. And Lily could be one of the best ones you’ll ever have.”
“I hear you,” I replied.
Without another word, she strode toward Casper’s room and disappeared inside.
Jesus Christ, what a mess. From the impression I’d gotten, both of Lily’s parents were giving me the all clear to… what? Get with her? Start up our friendship again?
I couldn’t even wrap my mind around starting shit up with Lily again. The thought of sinking into her and getting lost for a few days held a fuck of a lot of appeal, but that wasn’t going to happen. Not only did I have to bury the mother of my child, but I also had to somehow completely uproot my two-year-old son’s life and get him used to living with me fulltime. I didn’t have the time or the stomach to navigate the minefield that was Lily Butler.
Twenty minutes after I left the hospital, I pulled up to pick up Gray, and had to take deep breaths as I saw Ash’s mom peek out the front window and then shut off the lights, trying to pretend that they weren’t there. I was exhausted and frustrated and I didn’t have the patience to deal with Kathy, no matter how torn up she was about losing Ashley. I tried so goddamn hard to turn my sympathy for her into understanding, but as I knocked on the door over and over with no answer, I finally snapped.
“Kathy, you don’t want me kickin’ in the door, you’ll bring my son out here now,” I called, watching the front window. Nothing moved, but faintly I could hear Gray calling for me. He must have heard my voice.
I knocked one more time, and when she still didn’t open up, I stepped back, ready to knock the flimsy lock out of the doorframe.
“Oh, Leo,” Kathy said, opening the door with a look of fake surprise on her face. “I thought we’d agreed that I was keepin’ Gray for another night.”
“No, we didn’t,” I replied simply, walking toward her so she had no choice but to move back into the house. I looked around, barely managing to hide my disgust at the musty smell of her house. I’d been there a couple times before, but once Ash had seen the look on my face, she hadn’t invited me again.
I trusted Kathy would take good care of Gray when he visited, and I’d never had a problem with him going to her house, but I fucking hated the place. The woman never opened a window or let any fresh air in, and it left the house with a stink that she couldn’t hide with the scented shit she stashed on every counter and shelf.
“Gray?” I called.
Within seconds, my son was galloping down the hallway, the thumb in his mouth not hiding the wide grin he was giving me.
“How’s my boy?” I asked as I lifted him into the air. “You have fun at Granny’s?”
He babbled something I could barely understand about dogs and TV around his thumb, then laid his head on my shoulder with a sigh. He was tired. Kathy probably hadn’t given him a nap, and there was no place in her house that he felt comfortable putting himself to bed.
“I really think he should stay here again tonight,” Kathy said as I strode toward the door. I looked at her incredulously as she stepped in front of me like she was going to block me from leaving. “Then you can go do what you do. It was Ash’s night tonight, anyway.”
“Ash isn’t here,” I ground out, angry that she was bringing any of this up in front of Gray. “And she isn’t going to be here.”
“Mama?” Gray asked, his little fingers playing with the sleeve of my t-shirt.
“I just think—”
“I know what you think, Kathy,” I said, trying to keep my voice from showing my frustration. “But you won’t win. You wanna see Gray? I’m cool with that. You let me know when you’re up for a visit, and I’ll do my best to make sure you get it.”
“I’m his only family left.”
“No,” I said firmly, trying like hell to keep my temper. “He’s got a whole other family that loves him.”
“So you’re just going to cut me out?” she hissed, her voice wobbling.
“I never said that, and I never would.”
Gray’s fingers tightened in my shirt and started twisting it from side to side, and that’s when I knew I needed to get the fuck out of there. I pushed past Kathy’s small, wiry frame, and ignored the way her nails dug into my bicep as I stepped onto the porch. I’d almost made it to the steps when I came to a stop, unable to go any further.
Turning around, I met Kathy’s eyes. “You’re always welcome to see Gray,” I said gently, feeling sorry for the old bat as I watched tears run down her face. “And if you need anythin’, you just let me know, alright?”
She glared at me, but finally nodded before she spun around and closed the door.
We’d barely made it out of Kathy’s neighborhood before Gray was passed out in the back seat. Usually I’d take him back to my apartment and put him to bed if he fell asleep in the car, but I couldn’t stand the thought of sitting there alone in the quiet until he woke up. I needed some noise, something to distract me from the knowledge that as soon as he woke up, Gray was going to start asking about his mama. He always did that. If he woke up with Ashley, he asked about me, and if he woke up with me he asked about Ash.
I wasn’t even sure how to handle it. He was too young to understand any explanation. Telling him that he wouldn’t see his mom again wouldn’t have any effect, because there was just no way that his little brain could process that kind of information. I had a feeling that for the next few months, I’d spend most of my time with him explaining that it was Dad’s day, not Mom’s, until he finally quit asking.
Imagining the confusion I’d see on his face made me nauseous.
The clubhouse was pretty busy when we got there, and I was glad. Even if I laid down with Gray for his nap, I’d still be able to hear people moving around and music playing outside my room. With all the noise, he’d probably wake up before he was ready, but there were enough people around to keep his attention occupied and any fits to a minimum.
Gray didn’t stir as I unbuckled his tiny, sweaty body from his car seat. My boy always slept hot. From the time he was about three months old, we hadn’t been able to put him in those thick pajamas with the snaps because he’d sweat his way through them in an hour and then we’d have a soaking wet, screaming baby to deal with. Even if he was in shorts and a t-shirt, after just a few minutes of sleep, the hair around his temples and the back of his neck was damp.
I nodded to people as I carried Gray into the main room, but I didn’t even make it to the back hallway before I was stopped by a gentle hand on my arm.
“Hi, baby,” my mom said softly, laying her hand on Gray’s back. “How’s he doing?”
“He’s alright,” I assured her, shifting Gray a little as he started to slide sideways. “Doesn’t really have any clue what’s goin’ on.”
“Probably a good thing,” she said, echoing Casper’s words from earlier. “How are you doing?”
“I’m fine,” I said.
“No, you’re not.”
“I’m good as I can be.”
“That’s a bit more accurate,” she said. “Did you go up and see Casper?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “Went and saw him before I picked up Gray.”
“That’s good. I know he was anxious to talk to you.”
“Yeah, he sent Lily to find me.”
“Is that right?” my mom asked, and I knew from one look at her face that she’d already known Casper was going to send Lily to me.
“You, too?” I asked in irritation. “What the fuck are you all tryin’ to do?”
“What?” she asked in confusion.
“Don’t talk to your mother like that,” my dad ordered, coming up behind me.
“You realize the mother of my child just fuckin’ died, right?” I looked between the two of them in disbelief.
“What kind of question is that?” my dad asked, anger making his voice quieter than before.
“You’re sendin’ Lily around, tryin’ to what, exactly?”
My dad watched me in disbelief, then scoffed. “Givin’ you the chance to make up with a girl who you were close with before she went to college, during a time when you’re goin’ through what you’re goin’ through, ain’t some sort of sinister plot.”
“The mother of my child just fuckin’ died on the side of the road,” I reiterated through clenched teeth.
“The mother of your child,” my dad agreed, glancing at Gray. “Right. Not your wife, not your girlfriend. Know you two were close, know you’re hurtin’, but don’t make the loss somethin’ it ain’t.”
“Jesus Christ,” I muttered.
“How about I take Gray for a while?” my mom offered, trying to diffuse the situation. “I was going to lay down for a while anyway, it’s been a long couple of days.”
I thought about it for a second, relishing the feeling of Gray’s little hot puffs of breath on the side of my neck, before I relented and handed him over. He’d probably sleep better in my pop’s room since it was further away from the main room than mine was. Plus, my mom did look tired. She looked like she was ready to drop.
“Come on, baby,” my dad said gently.
“I can make it to the room on my own,” my mom pointed out.
“Just as easy for me to walk ya.”
Mom shook her head in amusement, then met my eyes over Grey’s messy dark hair. “I know what it’s like to try and come back after you’ve pushed everyone away,” she said softly. “It’s harder than you could ever imagine, son. Cut Lily a little slack, huh?”
I watched them walk away then turned toward the bar. That’s when I saw Lily watching me, her face filled with emotion. She didn’t look away even after she knew I saw her, and for a second, I was frozen in place.
Then a yell from behind the bar stole both of our attention, and that’s when I saw Rose, flipping and spinning liquor bottles like she was auditioning for a talent show. She had a huge grin on her face as her brothers egged her on, and I couldn’t help but move closer as she slung drinks like a pro.
“You guys barely have anything back here,” she complained as she grabbed a dusty bottle from the shelf. “It’s a disgrace.”
“Sorry we don’t like your fruity-tooty drinks, little sister,” Will said, rolling his eyes.
“You’d like them if you tried them,” she argued. “I don’t even have ingredients for a Long Island Iced Tea! What is wrong with you people?”
“Tequila, whiskey, and beer,” Tommy grunted like a caveman.
“Don’t forget vodka,” Rose said, holding up a bottle of flavored stuff.
“That shit’s for the women,” Will said.
“Weren’t you the one mixing that shit with orange juice at Tommy’s place two weeks ago?” I asked, stepping up beside Lily.
“That was one time!”
“Sure it was,” Lily said with mock seriousness, joining in on the joke. “Do you prefer the orange flavored vodka or the tangerine? I’ve noticed that they’re similar, but not exactly the same.”
“Fuck you both,” Will said, pointing back and forth between the two of us.
“When did you take up drinking?” I asked quietly, barely glancing at the woman beside me.
“College,” she replied with a shrug, her shoulder brushing my arm.
“She’s gotta keep me company while I work,” Rose cut in, sliding a drink in front of Lily. “Otherwise, I’d never see her.”
“That’s not true,” Lily protested. “We share a fucking bedroom.”
“I see that dirty mouth hasn’t changed any,” I said as Rose slid a shot glass full of amber liquid toward me.
“Some things never change,” she murmured, taking her shot.
I gave her a slight nod of acknowledgement, but the statement shook me more than I would have ever admitted. I quickly threw back the shot Rose had given me, some sort of mixture of booze that I couldn’t put my finger on but went down smooth, then turned and walked away. I wasn’t at the clubhouse to catch up with Lily.
I sure as fuck wasn’t going to try and re-start old shit when I wasn’t even sure what my life was going to look like now. Ashley and I had a pretty even split with Gray, even though we’d never made it official. Things changed from week to week, depending on who worked when and if I was going to be out of town, but it always evened out to Gray spending half his time with me and half his time with his mother.
I had no idea what I was going to do now. I’d never had to find a daycare for Gray, or worried about where he’d stay if I was out of town. Ash had worked as a waitress around my schedule at the garage so that we didn’t have to pay for childcare. Now, hell, I had no idea how I was going to make it work. I sure as fuck wasn’t going to leave my boy with strangers.
“Hey, man,” Grease called as I tried to move past his table. “How you doin’?”
“I’m alright,” I said for the millionth time that day.
“Good.” He glanced past me at the bar and grimaced. “How the hell am I old enough to have grown kids?”
“And grandkids,” I pointed out, making him scowl.
“The grandkids are a gift, it’s my own offspring I gotta worry about.”
“Seems like they’re doin’ okay.” I glanced behind me to find Rose high-fiving Lily across the bar top.
“Boys are easy, man,” Grease said with a shake of his head. “It’s the girls you gotta worry about. You send them off to college with their cousin, hopin’ that some of that drive’ll rub off on ’em, and they come back knowing how to tend bar.”
“Good skill to have,” I murmured.
“I’ll remind you of that when you have a little girl.”
“Don’t see that happenin’,” I said, moving away from his table.
“Hell, son, that’s what we all say.”
I just shook my head as I headed to one of the couches against the wall in the back. I’d left a book stuffed behind it earlier in the week, and now seemed like the perfect time to block out the world for a while. As I stretched out on my back on the fringe of the crowd, I couldn’t help but glance at the bar again. Lily was laughing at something her cousin had done, her head tipped back and her mouth wide open with glee.
It was a beautiful sight. I still remembered when she was in high school and had such a tough time dealing with all the shit that was being thrown at her. Losing her sight so young and then suddenly getting it back had thrown her, and I hadn’t blamed her. Everything she’d known over those blind years, even down to the way she’d interacted with other kids her age, had changed in an instant. I should have known back then that starting anything with her, no matter how platonic, wasn’t smart. She’d been adjusting to a world she no longer recognized, and if I was completely honest, I never believed she would have stuck with me. Gray just made the decision easier for her.