I tried it. I swear I tried to give her space.

She says that’s what she needs, but I know it’s not. She needs me. Period. She needs me to be there and that’s where I’ve failed. Not just in the last few weeks. I chose a lifestyle that forced us apart.

I can fix this, but not by running to Pops and leaving her all alone with nothing but this city whispering in her ear.

My arm stiffens as I slide the key into the lock. My heart doesn’t beat until it turns, proving she didn’t change the locks. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was still holding and push it open. I’m prepared with what I need to say. Prepared to hold my ground and not take no for an answer.

But it only takes one step inside of our living room for all of it to slip away from me.

Kat looks so tired, so worn out propped up in the corner of the sofa with her laptop sitting to the left of her, but the screen’s black. She has a cup of coffee in her hands as well as bags under her eyes. She turns to me slowly, wiping the sleep from her eyes and adjusting herself slightly.

“What are you doing here?” she asks me, still seated with her legs tucked underneath her on the sofa. I’m stunned for a moment, because she’s so fucking beautiful, even in this state. My body’s drawn to her. And if it were another time, I’d go to the sofa, push the laptop off and lie down, taking her into my arms.

And she’d let me.

“This is my house.” I try not to say the words too firmly. “Our house,” I correct myself and swallow before continuing and taking a single step closer to her. “I worked my ass off-”

“Then I’ll move out,” Kat quickly states matter-of-factly, but the pain is barely disguised. She seems to snap out of whatever daze had her captive before I came in here.

“I don’t want you to move out. We don’t need this.” I emphasize my words.

“I asked for time and space because I don’t know what to do, Evan. You aren’t giving me any options without telling me what happened.”

“You want to know?” I look her in the eyes, feeling my blood pulse harder in my veins.

“Are you going to tell me the truth?” she asks me in a cracked whisper. “All of it?”

All of it? I have to break her gaze. I can’t. I can’t confess everything. I’d lose her forever.

The second I break eye contact, she scoffs. “You’re so full of shit. Why are you doing this to me?” she asks me, although it’s rhetorical.

“I just want to be home with you while this blows over.”

“Blows over?” she practically yells. I’m not good with words. I never have been, but I wish I had the wisdom to say the right thing right now.

“Maybe this is the moment,” she says while rolling her eyes with a sad smile on her beautiful face.

“The moment?” I dare to ask.

“The moment that changes everything for the rest of my life. I’ve been wondering exactly what moment it was, but maybe it hasn’t happened yet.”

Her words settle deep in my very core. Slow, yet all-consuming. Her face changes from the sarcastic disappointment that she had when she said the words. As if only just now realizing the magnitude of them herself.

“We can go back,” I tell her softly, raising my hands just slightly, but the fear of losing her keeps my blood cold and my motions subtle.

“It’s called separating for a reason,” she tells me. As if what we had the other night meant nothing. As if there’s no reason for us to be together. Maybe she really doesn’t love me anymore.

“We didn’t decide to do that,” I answer her. “You were angry.”

“Rightfully so,” she spits back.

“I told you it’s not true,” I tell her as I stare deep into her eyes. I watch as they gloss over and her lower lip trembles. “Just …” I swallow thickly, the lump growing in the back of my throat suffocating any plea I have for her. Just love me. Just forgive me.

I lick my lips and turn away from her, not able to voice what I’m feeling. I slowly take a seat in the side chair, and it creaks as I rest my weight in it. Kat starts to get up.

“I don’t want to fight,” I tell her.

“I don’t want this, Evan. I didn’t ask for this,” she raises her voice, the anger coming back. She stops moving though, and I can tell she’s losing the fight.

“I don’t know what to do or say, or what to think. I feel crazy!” She stares at me wide-eyed. “Do you understand what that’s like? To be so fucking stupid? To know I’m being stupid and setting myself up for you to hurt me.”

“I won’t hurt you-”

“But you did! And you won’t even tell me why.” Her shoulders shudder, but she doesn’t cry, she holds her ground.

“I don’t want to lose you, Kat,” I manage to speak and peek up to look at her.

“I want you to quit,” she says and rocks on her feet. She nods her head and visibly swallows. “You need to quit.” She stares at me, her eyes pleading. Her body’s still, like she’s not breathing.

“It’s not that easy,” I tell her and God I wish she knew. I want to tell her everything, but I can’t risk it. I can’t leave right now. I just need time.

“It is that easy; you quit or leave.” I stare into her eyes that swirl with nothing but raw vulnerability, and hesitate.

“You’re going to give me an ultimatum?” But even as I ask her, I know that’s what she’s doing.

She has no idea.

I just need time. I need her to just give me time. As soon as I’m out of this, I can do whatever she wants.

But not right now.

I can feel her slipping away. Every second that passes that I don’t tell her, she’s turning colder toward me. But she can’t know. No one can.

My lips part and I can feel my lungs still. The words are right there. Begging me, and desperate for her to hear. I need her more than anything.

“Kat,” I say her name but it’s so much more. It’s me begging for her to love me blindly, to trust that I love her and that I’d never do anything to hurt her.

I can’t. I can’t risk her, and I won’t do it.

My mouth closes and I turn away from her, running my hand over my face.

“Get out,” Kat says and her voice hitches at the end. I turn to see her cover her face.

I close the distance between us. It only takes three steps, but by the time my arms wrap around her, she’s pushing me away. Her hands slam into my chest. She tries to knock me back, but only manages to throw herself off balance instead.

I grip her hip to steady her, but she slaps me. Hard across the face and the sting catches me by surprise.

I flex my jaw as she screams at me to get out. Her body’s shaking. The sinful mix of hatred and betrayal ring in the air between us.

“Do you really want me out?” I ask her, genuinely not knowing anymore. I don’t know at what point I lost her completely. There’s only so many times I can ask her to give me everything while I hold back.

I guess I should be more surprised it hasn’t happened sooner. I rub my jaw as I take a step back, only giving her the bit of space I’m willing to offer. “I know you still love me,” I tell her and watch as she rips her eyes from me and takes a step back. Her face is blotchy and red and her breathing is frantic.

But she calms as she stands there not able to answer me. And that’s all I needed. Just a little bit. Please, Kat. Just hold on a little while longer.

“Just tell me the truth,” she begs me and I wish I could. I feel my throat tighten and my body tense. My hands clench as I swallow.

“I didn’t sleep with her,” I say and even I don’t believe my words. But it’s not what she thinks. I wish I could tell her, but the moment she finds out, everything will be at risk.

“Why don’t I believe you?” she asks me and I don’t have the decency to answer.

“I swear, Kat.”

“So you’ve never slept with her?” she asks me and I know it’s over. Her expression changes and her eyes darken when the silence stretches too long. So many secrets have built up. Too many to hide. She was never supposed to know. “Since we’ve been married,” I start to say, knowing I’m toeing the line of truth, “I’ve never slept with anyone. Never kissed anyone but you.” I look her in the eyes so she can see it’s the truth. “The day I put that ring on your finger, it was only you.”

“Then why put me through this?” she asks me with tears in her eyes. “And what were you doing?” I struggle to keep my breathing calm as the questions start piling up.

I lick my dry lips and take a step forward. “Things got out of hand.”

The words stop and I run my hands down my face.

“Why were you with her?” Kat asks me and I know she wants an answer right now.

“Because it’s what I had to do,” I tell her the truth with my eyes closed.

“What you had to do? You had to go to her hotel at three in the morning?” I can’t look at her as I nod my head. “And you couldn’t tell me this before?” I nod my head again.

“You tell me everything right now, or you leave.”

“Another ultimatum?” The words drip with disdain.

“Don’t talk to me like that,” she says and I can hear her resolve harden.

“It’s better if you didn’t know everything,” I say softly.

“Are you serious right now? You’re throwing away our marriage over her? Over your job?”

“Kat, just-” I start to say, but she cuts me off.

“Fuck you,” she sneers and says, “I said get out.”

“I’m not leaving,” I tell her firmly, staring back at her, even as she turns her back to me.

“It doesn’t matter, the weekend’s coming,” she says beneath her breath as she leaves me.

I keep my feet planted as she stomps up the stairs and I wait for more. I wait for her to push me out, to yell at me, to demand more from me. I’m ready to fight, ready for war with her to keep her. But that’s not what I get.

She gives me back exactly what I gave her. Nothing.