I didn’t mean it when I said one last time. I was just desperate for more. All I have to do is be next to her when she needs a single thing. Anything. Just one small crack in her armor. At least that’s what I keep hoping for.

It’s what’s keeping me from dissolving into the nothingness I feel.

I wonder if she’ll get over me before that time comes. If the few years we had together was enough to make her love me even when she doesn’t want to. That’s all I keep thinking about as I stare at her sleeping form. There’s only a sheet over her gorgeous body, hiding it from me. Her back is toward me as she lies on her side, her hair fanned out along the pillow. I’ve been awake for hours; I’m not even sure I slept at all.

It feels like it’s over, but that can’t be true. I can’t just let her go this easily. But somehow it doesn’t feel like letting her go. It feels like I don’t have her anymore. Like I don’t even have the option to keep her anymore.

A sudden buzz from my phone vibrating on the nightstand strips my thoughts from me and makes Kat stir next to me.

I keep my eyes on her as I reach for it. She slowly turns to look over her shoulder and then looks away, pulling the sheet tighter around her. Closing herself off from me.

My chest feels heavy as I let it sink in that she doesn’t belong to me anymore. The bed dips as Kat pulls the sheet with her and walks to the bathroom.

I would think my life couldn’t get any lower than this, but the text from James mocks that thought.

There’s still so much shit that I need to fix and make right. So much damage I’ve caused that’s leaving cracks under each and every footstep I take.

Come to the office.

I stare at the text as I hear Kat flick on the light switch in the bathroom, the light filtering from under the closed door. She turns on the water as I put the phone down.

James can go fuck himself.

It’s like he knew I’d think that. ‘Cause the second the phone drops to the nightstand, it goes off again.

It’s not about work. You know what it’s about.

I was given new information today.

The texts come one after the other in rapid speed and it makes adrenaline slowly pour into my veins, breathing life into me.

The sound of the bathroom door opening and the light switching off forces me to look up at Kat. She slipped on a robe in the bathroom. It’s some sort of black and pink kimono from a bachelorette party I think. I’ve never seen her wear it but it’s been hung up by the towels for years. I guess it’s all she could find in there to hide herself from me.

She doesn’t return my gaze and I can already see that she regrets last night.

Our last night.

I refuse to let it be true. I refuse to give up. But I’ll give her time since that’s what she thinks she needs.

“You can come whenever you need to,” she says and then pulls a shirt over her head as she lets the robe fall into a puddle around her feet. The sight would make my dick hard as steel if it weren’t for the words that hit me at full force. “To get whatever you need or want.”

“You really want me to go?” I ask her even though I know I need to leave regardless of what she tells me. I need time to sort my shit out and get my life to be the one that belongs beside hers.

I wish she’d lie to me. I can see it in her eyes, her posture; I can hear it in her voice that she needs me to go. Tell me a pretty lie, Kat. Make me believe you still want me.

“I think it’s for the best,” she says as her eyes flicker from me to the door and she pushes her hair out of her face. She looks so worn out. She’s tired of my bullshit.

“I just want to be happy and I feel like we’re so used to being something else that it’s not going to work.”

The argument stirs in my chest, but she’s right in a way and I know I can prove to her that we’re going to be fine. I just need time. “I’ll go now, but I’m coming back when I fix things.”

“That’s what you do, isn’t it? You fix things?” Fixer. That’s what they call this job, but really I’m supposed to prevent anything from breaking. There’s a small huff of a laugh that leaves her, but it’s not the joyous sound I’ve grown to love so much. And it’s because of me. I’m the one that broke our marriage.

“I know we grew apart, but we’re still together. Even if you want to pretend like we’re not for a little while,” I tell her. I take a step to go to her, but she shakes her head slightly, crossing her arms and taking a step back.

“It was only one last time, Evan.”

My mouth falls open just slightly for me to tell her last night wasn’t the last time. I won’t let it be. But the words don’t come out. There’s no conviction in my thought.

My eyes close as the phone in my hand buzzes again and I don’t miss how Kat looks at it, a question in her eyes.

“It’s James.” I answer her unspoken question

She chews the inside of her cheek and doesn’t acknowledge me in the least.

“I quit and I’ve just got to sign some paperwork.” The lie slips out so easily. I’m almost ashamed at how easy it’s become to hide the bullshit from her and disguise it as something normal and relatable.

I don’t know if she can tell I’m lying, or if she just doesn’t care anymore. She leaves me alone with nothing but a small nod in the bedroom we built together.

My blood turns cold and I stare at the open door. The pictures from the hall taunt me. I can hear the laughter. I can remember the softness of her skin when they were taken.

The phone goes off again and it pisses me off.

I grit my teeth as I read the messages.

Get here in the next hour.

Out of spite, there’s no fucking way I’ll be at his office by then. And I make sure to hit the message so he knows I read it. He can wait.