Chapter Nineteen
“ARE YOU SURE I can’t come over?” Penny asked for the millionth time since she’d called an hour ago.
“I really need to be alone,” Finlay answered. She lay on the couch bundled up in Bullet’s flannel shirt, needing to feel closer to him, with Tinkerbell curled up beside her. Tinkerbell seemed to sense that something was wrong and had been by her side since she’d arrived several hours ago. She’d made the mistake of answering Penny’s call earlier, and now Penny and Isabel, who Penny had patched through on a three-way call, didn’t want to let her get off the phone. They’d called to hear about Finlay’s first motorcycle ride, and she’d been too distraught to pretend like nothing had happened, so she’d told them everything. From the amazing ride, to the devastation of realizing that for all these years Bullet had believed he’d killed Aaron. As thankful for their company as she was, she didn’t want to talk to anyone but Bullet.
“Should I go to my place?” Tears stung her eyes again at the thought of not being there when Bullet got home. “Do you think he’ll want to be alone when he finally comes back?”
“Definitely not,” Isabel said. “He’s working through things the best way he knows how, but he’ll want you there, Fin. Otherwise he would have dropped you off at your place.”
She petted Tinkerbell, hoping Isabel was right. “I shouldn’t have pushed him to talk to Aaron’s family,” she said for the hundredth time, which was only about half as many times as she’d thought it.
She’d tried to distract herself for hours before the girls called, but she’d even been too upset to cook, which had never happened to her before, and she felt utterly and completely lost without that outlet. But every time she looked at the kitchen, she felt sick to her stomach about pushing Bullet into a corner. She’d alternated between pacing and curling up on the couch. She’d even tried taking a walk with Tinkerbell, but the yard seemed too big and empty without Bullet. That struck her as funny, considering her man needed space and, without him, she needed to be confined. To be wrapped up in his shirt, surrounded by his belongings, his scent, his energy.
“Aw, Fin,” Penny said. “You love him so much. I don’t think you’d ask him to do something you thought he couldn’t handle.”
“But he left, Penny. He’s so protective of me, for him to leave for this long can only mean—”
“That he’s working his way through what you’ve asked of him,” Isabel said adamantly. “That’s all it means, okay? Bullet is crazy about you, and he let down his guard, but he’s still Bullet. He’s got more walls inside him than any of us can imagine, and right now he’s figuring out if he can scale them or not.”
She stared at the ceiling, wishing she could talk to him, to take back their conversation. She’d texted Bullet earlier, but she knew if he was riding he’d never feel the vibration. “I made everything worse for him. After the most incredible day ever, I screwed things up. What if he shuts down completely? What if I sent him over the edge and he can’t see his way clear to forgiving me?”
She sat up, feeling worn out and too sad to stay on the phone. “I’m hanging up—”
“No!” Penny and Isabel yelled.
“Sorry, you guys, but my heart hurts too much. I just need time to”—curl into a ball and cry—“think things through. I love you. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
After ending the call, she went up to the bedroom with Tinkerbell and sat on the edge of the bed, looking at the sticky notes from that morning. Bullet was so thoughtful. Had she slowed down enough to think things through, instead of seeing a path for him to clear his conscience, she might have offered to tell Aaron’s parents herself. If Bullet couldn’t handle doing it, then at least she could help them get closure.
But he needs it just as much.
Did he? Or was she just hoping it might help? Ugh. She’d asked herself the question too many times and couldn’t even ponder an answer any longer.
She lay back on the bed, and Tinkerbell lay beside her. She grabbed Bullet’s pillow and curled up around it, allowing the tears that had been coming and going all evening to flow. She closed her eyes, and when sleep came, she welcomed the escape.
THE ROAR OF a motorcycle engine sent Finlay’s heart into her throat. She pushed from the bed and ran down the stairs with Tinkerbell on her heels. She flew through the house and out the front door as Bullet climbed from his bike. She rushed toward him, nearly falling over Bones, who was sitting on the front step. She’d forgotten he was there. He’d shown up hours ago, before she’d talked to Penny and Isabel. She’d heard his motorcycle and run outside thinking it was Bullet. She’d been devastated, but she’d tried not to let that show. She must have failed because when she’d invited him inside, he’d insisted on waiting out front. What was it with Whiskeys feeling the need to stand guard?
Tinkerbell beat her to Bullet, trying to climb his leg. Bullet’s shoulders were rounded forward, and his eyes lacked the spark of vigor they usually held. When he shifted his gaze from Finlay to Bones, he looked…defeated.
Good Lord, what had she done to him?
She stopped moving, and when he opened his arms, she fell into them.
“You don’t have to talk to his family,” she said quickly. “I’m sorry I asked you to. I was wrong. You’ve been through enough. You don’t need to be anyone’s hero. I’m so sorry.”
He kissed the top of her head, his big hands caressing her back. He didn’t say a word, just held her tighter, and that sent fear trampling through her. She looked up at him and opened her mouth to speak, but it was too hard. She didn’t know what else to say, so she buried her face in his chest again.
“Can you see my eyes in the dark, angel?” he finally asked.
She gazed up at him, her heart hammering against her ribs. She searched his solemn expression, and when she met his eyes, they were unlike anything she’d seen before, and she didn’t know how to read them. But she nodded, because she could see them.
“I’m sorry I took off. I had to figure things out.”
“I know. It’s okay. I’m sorry. I won’t ever ask you to do anything like that again.”
“You won’t have to,” he said evenly. His gaze shifted to Bones.
“I came over thinking you were here,” Bones said. “And when I saw your bike was gone, I couldn’t leave Finlay alone. I’ll take off now, unless you need me.”
“You’ve been here the whole time?” she asked.
Bones shrugged. “Of course.”
Of course? More tears streamed down her cheeks.
“Thanks, bro. You should hear this.” Bullet looked down at Finlay. “I went to see Aaron’s family.”
Her mouth fell open. “You saw them?”
He nodded. “I couldn’t risk letting you down, baby. Not when you’ve done nothing but lift me up.”
“You went…?” she said, unable to believe it. “And you’re okay? You don’t hate me?”
“I could never hate you. I did it because I love you, Finlay. You needed this, and I need you. I just had to wrap my head around the idea. But you were right. It helped.” He walked over to Bones and embraced him. “Thanks, man.”
“I didn’t do anything,” Bones said.
“You answered your phone and you stayed with my girl. That’s everything.” He reached for Finlay again, and the three of them sat on the porch steps. Finlay and Bones sat on either side of Bullet, and Tinkerbell climbed onto his lap, licking his face.
“Any flashbacks?” Bones asked.
Bullet stared out into the darkness without answering for so long, Finlay wondered if he was going to answer at all. She placed her hand on his thigh, and he covered it with his, lacing their fingers together.
“They had pictures all over of their boy they’d lost, and pictures of you with him,” he said to Finlay. “I didn’t know him well, had only met him on that mission, and didn’t even know he went by the name Aaron. He was just Rush to me. But for you to have been with him, I’m sure he was a great guy. I didn’t have a flashback. Not even when I described his last moments, which shocked the hell out of me. I was bracing for the worst, but it never came. Then his parents lost it. They were so relieved, because like you said, they thought he’d died alone. I cried right along with them like a fucking pussy, but I didn’t feel like one. It felt good to give them peace.”
“You’ve been with them all this time?” Bones asked.
Bullet shook his head. “I went to see Mom and Pop. I figured if I was facing my demons, I should give it all I had.”
“Oh, Bullet.” Finlay leaned against him.
Bones leaned his elbows on his knees, worrying with his hands. “And…?”
“Pop knew.”
Bones held his hands up. “I swear I didn’t tell him.”
“I know. Goddamn motorcycle community. Some doc who worked on me at Walter Reed, the military hospital in Bethesda, recognized my back tat. Biggs has known the whole damn time.”
“And he never said anything to either of you?” Finlay was unable to disguise the awe in her voice.
“He said…” Bullet paused, his eyes glistening in the moonlight. He cleared his throat, sat up a little straighter, put one arm around Tinkerbell, the other around Finlay. “He said he’d thought he’d lost me once. He didn’t want to piss me off and lose me again.”
“And Red?” Bones asked.
“Red…” Bullet repeated. “She didn’t give it up. I have no idea if Biggs told her or not. She just hugged me and cried. You know how she is. She’s either setting us straight or loving us up. I was on the loving side of things tonight. Tomorrow she’ll probably want to kick my ass.”
“Won’t we all?” Bones pushed to his feet and embraced Bullet. “I’m proud of you, man. I love you. You had me worried tonight, but I shouldn’t have been. You’re invincible.”
Bullet scoffed. “Hardly. Love you, little bro.” He patted Bones on the back and then patted his leg to call Tinkerbell and reached for Finlay. Tinkerbell came to his side as Bones started up his bike and drove away.
Bullet gathered Finlay in his arms and said, “I’m sorry for taking off and making you worry. Thank you for not giving up on me.”
“Thank you for not giving up on us.” She was so full of love for him, he’d become even more of a hero, but she’d never dare let those words slip out again.
“I wasn’t sure if you’d be here or not, so I drove by your place first, and, baby…” A world of emotions rose in his eyes. “That’s not your place anymore, lollipop,” he said with all the strength and passion she’d grown to love. “I need you here with me all the time. I know I’ve got baggage, and that probably makes you unsure, especially after tonight—”
She reached up and pulled his mouth to hers, kissing him into silence.
“You don’t need me, Bullet. You want me. I’m so thankful I’m the one you chose, because I do need you…and Tink. And more than that, I want you both in my life. I moved here to put down roots, and I thought those roots would include only sisterly love. But you’ve shown me I’m still capable of loving and being loved. I’ve got baggage, too, but our love is so big, it’s help-each-other-unpack-our-baggage love, the kind of love that lasts forever.”
“Thank you, angel,” he said softly. “But I do need you, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.” He brushed his lips over hers, his beard tickling her skin as he said, “Earlier today, you asked me if I had a favorite place, and I said I’d never had one, that I needed the open road. But I was wrong, baby. I found my place. It’s right here beside you.”
He lifted her into his arms and carried her inside. “How about we go upstairs and make up for the time we lost?”
“One orgasm for each hour we were apart?”
“That’ll never be enough.”