DAMIEN

 

Four years later

 

 

“Aren’t you going to be late for your precious victory speech?” Bossman asked, throwing me the rope to tie off his fishing boat.

“It’s not like they can start without me,” I replied, tying it off to the cleat on the port side of the boat. The night sky making it hard to see. “Everything good?”

“Isn’t it always?”

“Just answer the fucking question.”

“I just did. Now go look the other way so I can break a few more laws, and you’re not late to your own celebration, re-elected fucking DA.”

The only things that changed in the last four years was the money and power I had. Both legally and especially illegally. However, the most unexpected change was how fucking exhausted I was from leading two different lives. Twelve-years in the States and I had everything I ever wanted, but the thrill was gone. The high had vanished as if it was never there to begin with. I did what was expected of me, both politically and immorally, and at the end of the day it was all that mattered.

“Here I thought you would appreciate some company, you lonely fuck.”

He crossed his arms over his chest, arching a questioning eyebrow. “Since when have I ever needed company? I don’t even like people. You’re lucky I fucking like you.”

I laughed, throwing my head back.

“Now get the fuck out of here. I’m busy. I got a shipment to unload.”

I shook my head, taking in the name of his new fishing boat, Booty Chaser. Silently laughing to myself as I turned around and left him to it. By the time I pulled onto the highway, it was well after nine o’clock at night and they’d be announcing the winners in a few short hours.  Everyone, including my team, was already there pre-celebrating, and I had yet to show up. I had at least ten missed calls from my campaign manager, asking where the fuck I was.

My cell phone rang, dragging me away from my thoughts.

“This is Damien,” I answered, not bothering to look at the caller ID. I never did.

“Hey, Damien. It’s Joseph,” the private eye I used for most of my cases, greeted.

“What did you—”

“I’m just going to get right to the point, man. This doesn’t have anything to do with Rovali’s case.”

I never expected the next words to come out of his mouth and turn my world upside down.

“I found her, Damien. I found Amira.”

“Wh—”

“I know… it’s been years since you asked me to help you find her, but I did. I finally found her.”

I couldn’t process what he was saying fast enough. My heart started pounding against my chest from the pure desperation of hearing him say what I’ve needed to hear for over a decade.

“Where? Where is she? Where’s Amira?”

“I know it’s your election night—”

“Fuck my election! Where is she, Joseph?”

“I’m close to your place. Can I meet—”

“I’m on my way.” I ended the call while simultaneously pulling the emergency break, causing my car to drift. Doing a 180 onto the opposite side of the highway in the direction I needed to go. Not giving a fuck about the cars around me. Or the obscenities being yelled my way while horns blared from hastily beating on their steering wheels. My tires squealed and smoked as I slammed my foot back down on the accelerator to get my ass home.

The memories I spent years trying to forget came rushing back to me while I sped through traffic. Running every red light, every stop sign, and anything else that got in my way. I couldn’t get home fast enough.

I answered my phone when it rang again, thinking it was Joseph. “Yeah?”

“Where the hell are you? Do you have any idea how bad this looks? You’re winning! You’re going to—”

I cut off my campaign manager, “You handle it! Pull some bullshit excuse out of your ass as to why I’m not going to make it! It’s why I pay you a fuckload of money, George!” I hung up, never giving it a second thought.

It didn’t take long until I was slamming on my brakes as soon as I drove up to my building. Abandoning my car out front, not giving a flying fuck I left it in a tow away zone. This was much faster than driving through the parking garage to my designated spot. I hauled my motherfucking ass inside the building, deciding to take the stairs three at a time versus waiting for the private elevator up to my presidential suite on the top floor.

“Jesus, Damien, calm down,” Joseph suggested when he saw me round the corner to my door.

I punched in the code without saying a word, leading us both inside my condo. Throwing my keys, phone, and gun on the coffee table in the living room, loosening my goddamn tie that all of a sudden felt like a noose around my neck. He sat in the armchair and I followed suit, sitting on the sofa in front of him.

“Talk,” I ordered, nodding to the folder in his hands. Ignoring the adrenaline and endorphins running through my body and mostly my mind from sprinting this entire time.

“I don’t know how I came across her file—”

“File?” I jerked back.

“Yeah, Damien. Her file. Listen, man… the reason I didn’t want to say this over the phone was because even though I did find her, she’s—”

“She’s what? Does Salazar have her? Is she hurt? Jesus Christ, Joseph! Where the fuck is she?”

He took a deep breath, shaking his head with a sullen expression on his face. My whole world came crashing down on me when he stated, “I’m so sorry, Damien. Amira’s gone…”

Fear set in, the room started to spin, and my stomach fell to the fucking floor when he added, “She’s dead. Amira died. I mean… she passed away shortly after you left Cuba.”

The forceful blow of his words was like taking a bullet to my goddamn heart, causing my hand to suddenly clench onto my chest.

I couldn’t breathe.

I couldn’t fucking breathe.

“I just came across her death certificate while I was looking for evidence for another case I’m assigned to. The woman I was looking for just happened to be in Cuba and matched her description. I’m sorry, man. God, Damien… I’m so fucking sorry… I never thought to look through death certificates. I mean, you know… it’s not something I would normally do—”

I put my hand up in the air, stopping him from going any further. There wasn’t anything else he could say or do to change the fact she was gone.

“Was it Emilio?” I asked, trying to hold it together. “Did he do this?”

He shook his head. “No, I don't think so. The cause of death says complications from cardiac arrest. A number of factors could play into that.”

I didn’t think I was capable of feeling devastation anymore. I’d done too much shady shit, killed too many people, hurt too many lives. That emotion inside of me was turned off long ago. My humanity gone. It had to be, it was the only way I could keep going.

The pain.

The misery.

The lies.

My truths.

Not once did I ever think about the pain I was inflicting. The consequences of my actions would be the biggest regrets of my life. I knew it was only a matter of time until it all caught up with me, I just never imagined it would be through her.

You reap what you sow, motherfucker.

I slowly shut my eyes, bowing my head in shame. My body unable to hold it up any longer. I placed my elbows on my knees, holding my hammering head in between my hands instead.

“Leave the file and get out,” I murmured loud enough for him to hear.

“Damien, don’t—”

“GET THE FUCK OUT!” I roared, seeing nothing but her face. Our memories—the good, the bad, and everything else in between.

I abruptly stood, my feet moving on their own accord over to the wet bar in the corner of the room, turning my back to him. Downing the amber liquid without thinking twice about it. No glass needed. I brought the bottle away from my mouth, hurling it across the room as soon as I heard the door shut behind him. Watching as it shattered against the wall, falling into shards of glass on the hardwood floor. My stomach churned, my mind reeled, and my body felt as if it was falling the fuck apart.

Everything progressed in slow motion, seconds turned to minutes, minutes turned to hours, and the night felt like a goddamn eternity that would never end. My body couldn’t move fast enough around the room, pushing over everything in my immediate sight. Throwing and swinging at anything I could find, screaming at the top of my lungs over and over again, until my throat burned raw and my chest heaved.

Until there was nothing left of me.

I fell to the floor on my knees, panting and heaving, every breath harder to take than the one before. My adrenaline was racing, my body felt stiff, and my bloody hands were shaking. I suddenly felt bile rising in my throat, and fought back the urge to release the contents stirring inside of me. Taking a few deep breaths, I crouched forward unable to hold myself up any longer. Burying my head in my hands, gasping for air. Gripping onto memories—anything, everything that would make me feel closer to her even though she wasn’t there. She would never be there. Anywhere.  

She would never smile.

She would never laugh.

She would never breathe…

Her heart would never beat. Dying because of me.

I. Killed. Her.

The only words that registered were…

“She was gone.”

“Amira’s dead.”

“She died of heart complications.”

They were endless phrases, repeating themselves over and over in my head. A cycle I couldn’t stop, over and over again.

I couldn’t move.

I couldn’t talk.  

All I could do was feel. 

Her.

All around me.

My vision blurred, unable to see anything in front of me. Was I crying?

Darkness settled as I sat there alone. Until my body couldn’t take it anymore, until my mind needed to see the truth my cold heart didn’t want to believe. I don’t know how, but I blinked and I was sitting on the couch with her file open in front of me on the table. Staring at her death certificate. Unable to form words or thoughts.

Just pain.

Nothing but fucking pain.

I grew anxious and impatient from the mixed emotions throbbing inside of me. I hadn’t felt these demons in so fucking long. The sentiments dwelled in the dark hollow spaces of my core and in the forefront of my mind. I allowed them to take over, to take control of every last inch of my being. That’s when my eyes shifted to my gun where I had left it, my hand moving on its own accord to reach for it. Immediately flicking off the safety, I instantly raised the gun up to my temple, keeping my eyes wide open.

I didn’t deserve peace by shutting them. I wanted to feel every second of my demise until the flames from Hell engulfed my body, burning me alive. It was what I deserved. It was what I had always fucking deserved. There was no comfort in knowing we would soon be together at the gates of Heaven, because we all knew I was going to Hell.

“I’m so fucking sorry, Muñeca,” I uttered out loud, throwing me into a memory I watched unfold before my very eyes. 

“Please don’t do this,” Amira bellowed, her eyes welling up with fresh tears. “Please, Damien, I’m begging you. Please don’t do this.” She sounded like the panicked little girl I first met almost six years ago.

Breaking my fucking dark, soulless heart.

“I promise I will listen to everything you say and order me to do. I swear I’ll stop teasing you. I’ll stop waking you up in the middle of the night. I will do whatever it takes to make you not send me away,” she pleaded, her voice breaking profusely. Gasping for her next breath.

I was surprised she managed to get it all out. Tears escaped her eyes, falling down the sides of her shattered face. Fueling the war between what was right and what was wrong. My heart battling my mind, when all I wanted to do was protect her.

“Jesus Christ, Amira. That has nothing to do with it.”

“Then why? Why are you doing this? Is it because your father knows about me? He’s not going to tell. And if he did, it doesn’t matter. I’ll hide! That’s what I’m good at, you said it yourself! I won’t leave the house. I’ll stay in my room. I don’t care!”

“What kind of life would that be for you?”

“One that’s with you! And Rosarío! The only life I know!”

Her words were like taking bullet after bullet to my motherfucking heart. Inflicting pain, far worse than I have ever experienced before. I had to push through. I had to stay strong, this wasn’t about me.

It was about Amira.

I needed to get her the fuck out of Cuba.

Right. Fucking. Now.

I stepped toward her, touching the end of her nose causing her to grimace. For the first time the sentiment I had been doing for years, tormented and agonized us both in different ways. I placed my hand on her cheek, hoping she wouldn’t recoil away again. I knew what I was about to tell her was going to break her.

“Listen to me. I need you to listen to what I have to say because regardless, Muñeca, I’m placing you on that fucking boat with or without your consent. Do you understand me?”

And she did. She broke. Her chest heaved, her body shook under my touch, and so many goddamn tears fell in between us. I could no longer see her bright, big brown eyes.

“I’m not making you go away, Amira. I’m just following through on my promise to always keep you safe, no matter what. It’s not safe for you here anymore. It never has been. If anything were to happen to you, because of me…” I didn’t have to continue with what I had to say.

She knew it as much as I did.

I would kill myself.

“No one’s safe here! Especially not you, and if that’s the case then you have to come with me. As long as Emilio is alive, you’re in danger too. Please Damien! I can’t do this without you! I can’t live without you!” she repeated until it made itself home within my core.

Where it would eternally live alongside the hatred I already had for myself for everything I had cost her.

In the end, it didn’t matter…

I cost Amira her life anyway.

“I love you, Muñeca. I will always fucking love you,” I wept, allowing a single tear to flow loosely down my face. Taking pride in seeing her beautiful face in front of me one last time, not hesitating to pull the fucking trigger.

Click.

I sucked in a startled breath from hearing the gun click over, indicating there were no bullets in the chamber.

“Motherfucker,” I breathed out, knowing Joseph must have unloaded my gun and taken the bullets with him. Fully aware of what I would do.

The realization didn’t sink in because the CNN alert on my phone went off right at that moment, bringing my attention to the news on the screen.

Damien Montero re-elected as District Attorney.

I once again had everything I ever wanted, realizing I would never have her…

Again.