Chapter 27

Blue

Trudging up to the front door of the Cresson, I make some mental calculations on how to best parcel out my time today. I was able to pick up a two-day charter flight to San Francisco that leaves tonight and I most definitely have to do laundry. It’s been just over a week since I was supposed to do my laundry at Erik’s house and I still haven’t been motivated to do it. But I used my last pair of clean panties today so it’s either that or go to the store and buy new clothes, which is a terrible waste of money that I can’t afford.

I decide after I visit Billy for a few hours, I’ll hit up the laundromat. My basket of clothes has been sitting in the backseat of my car. After spending most of the day at the hospital with Billy, I took the early evening to go to Erik’s house. Letting myself in with the key he’d given me, I removed all of my possessions that had been left there, including my dirty clothes. I was still riding high on the righteous indignation that had been born out of tremendous guilt.

The formula was really quite simple.

I was horribly ashamed I let Billy down once again so I let myself blame Erik for talking me into ignoring that call. I held onto that anger for only about two days, which was right around the time Billy decided to start talking to me again. During that two days, I ignored communications from Erik because it was often easier to direct the anger toward him than at myself.

But I still always held the guilt close to me, and a lot of that had to do with dumping Erik the way I did. I still think it was the right decision, because ultimately I did it so as to not have to choose between the two men that I love.

And yes…I love Erik.

But he deserves better than someone like me. Erik has the biggest, kindest heart I know, and I know this because he would—without grudge or hesitation—let me put him lower on the totem pole. He’d gladly take a backseat for me, so I could maintain my own sense of accomplishment with my brother.

He absolutely doesn’t deserve that from a woman.

Which is all moot. I’m quite sure Erik probably hates me and he would have every right to do so. I was so unfair to him the way I ended things. I didn’t give him a chance to defend himself. When he reached out by texting that very night from Calgary, I ignored it, mostly fearful he’d talk his way back into my life again. Same reason I ignored his calls. And last week…when I was angry…that seemed like another betrayal to Billy.

Ugh…it’s all so complicated.

I pull the door open a little too hard, but make myself smile at Helen. She purses her lips and glares at me, which isn’t exactly fair. Granted, she thinks Erik walks on water and all that, but I don’t deserve her wrath. She’s been that way the last three days when she asked where Erik was and how come he hadn’t been by to visit Billy.

When I informed her we’d broken up, she stood up from behind her desk, put her hands on her hips and asked, “Why?”

I was so stunned by her nosiness, I didn’t think to lie. I merely replied, “Because I felt it was best we not see each other anymore.”

Since then, I haven’t seen a smile from her.

I ignore it, though, and head to the elevator, intent on making the most of my time with Billy since I’ll be gone for a couple days on this charter job. If Erik knew I was taking jobs from there again, he’d be pissed. But I have no choice. I had to quit working for the Vengeance because there was absolutely no way I could work in close proximity to him again. So until I can find something more permanent, I’m going to have to take as many charters as I can and live frugally on some of the savings from mom’s life insurance until my father’s comes in.

When I exit the elevator and move toward Billy’s room, I’m surprised to hear a male voice coming from inside. It’s deep and calm, although I can’t make out the words through the half-open door.

I step inside and come to a dead halt, surprised to see Tacker sitting in one of the two guest chairs positioned between a square table. He’s leaning casually into his seat with one ankle propped on a knee. His gaze slides to me and he lifts his chin in greeting. Billy’s sitting in his motorized chair pulled up to the table, hovered over a puzzle. He loves doing them and it helps with his fine motor skills.

“What are you doing here?” I ask Tacker.

“Just thought I’d come by and visit Billy,” he replies as he stands from his chair. “Is that okay?”

“Of course,” I assure him with a smile. “It’s just…the team is on a road trip. Shouldn’t you be with them in San Diego today?”

“Have you not been following the team?” he asks with his eyebrows drawn inward.

“Sure, I have,” I tell him. Because I just can’t seem to let go of Erik cold turkey so I watch him on TV and read any article I can about the team.

“Then you know I got suspended,” he says dryly. “Got time on my hands.”

I shake my head at the misunderstanding. “Yes. I saw that you had gotten suspended. I just assumed you still traveled with the team.”

“No room for me,” he mutters. “They had to call someone up to take my place.”

“Oh.” My gaze travels over to Billy who’s concentrating on the puzzle. He hasn’t even looked up at me but rather is meticulously picking through pieces with his right hand to find something that fits. His left arm is being supported by a sling for his cast.

Scooting by Tacker, I lean over Billy’s chair and brush a kiss across his head. He eases his head up and smiles at me.

“Blue,” he says in greeting which makes me smile. It’s his best word. His clearest. He’s been saying it since he was able to start forming words, even with his limitations.

“You’re doing such a good job,” I tell him as I examine the puzzle. He’s done the outer frame and is diligently filling it in.

“Thanks,” he drawls out with difficulty. I bend over and kiss him again.

“Do you think we could talk in private a moment?” Tacker asks and I jerk in surprise. Tacker isn’t known for wanting to talk about anything.

“Yeah…okay.” I turn to Billy and put my hand on his shoulder. “I’ll be back in a minute and then I’ll help with the puzzle.”

Billy tips his head to me again and I get his big, beautiful smile back. Yes, all has been forgiven between us and my conscience in that regard has been absolved even if it still weighs heavy with what I did to Erik.

God, I miss him so damn much.

Tacker turns and walks out of the room, and I follow him, pulling the door shut behind me.

“Let’s go see if the family room on this floor is empty,” I suggest. “Weekdays are usually pretty light around here.”

“Everyone has to work, right?” he replies as he follows me down the corridor.

The room is indeed empty and we walk in. Tacker closes the door behind him and then leans back against it. I take that to mean this won’t be a long and involved conversation so I don’t bother to sit down.

“Erik asked me to come by and check on Billy…see how he was doing from his fall,” Tacker says and I don’t miss the slightly accusing tone in his voice.

“I see,” I reply stiffly, but I don’t. If he was so worried, why didn’t he just call me and ask?

Because you pushed him away, Blue, and you didn’t respond to his attempts to talk to you last week.

I take a breath. “As you can see, Billy’s doing great. Erik has nothing to worry about.”

Tacker cocks an eyebrow at me. “I’d say he has plenty to worry about.”

I’m not prepared for how bad that makes me feel because I’ve never lost sight of the fact that not only did I cut Erik out of my life, I cut him out of Billy’s too. And over these last several weeks, he’s come to deeply care for Billy. He shouldn’t have had to send Tacker her to check on him and that’s a terrible mistake I’ve made.

“How’s Erik?” I ask, my voice thin and shaky.

“Not good,” he says almost dispassionately.

Fear slams through my chest. “Why? Has he said something?”

Tacker shrugs. “I’ve seen him a few times in the workout room this past week. He’s even quieter than I am so that should tell you something, but then again, I’m not the type that others lay their troubles out to. Let’s just say I recognize pain.”

Of course he does. My gaze drops to the floor, feeling wretched. “I screwed everything up. I was so unfair to him.”

“So fix it,” he says.

My head pops up. “How? I’ve made a huge mistake and surely he has to hate me.”

“You’re not giving him a lot of credit,” Tacker points out and my head ducks again as I’m duly chastised. Of course, he wouldn’t hate me. That’s not Erik.

“Look at me, Blue,” Tacker says gruffly and I raise my eyes mainly because this man who never has a lot to say is going out on a limb here. “This type of mistake can be corrected. You’re lucky. So don’t waste a fucking moment of your time in doing so because you could wake up tomorrow and he could be gone forever. Trust me when I tell you…you don’t want that type of misery.”

No, I don’t want that type of misery. I can see it in every line on Tacker’s face, feel it in his voice. I didn’t lose Erik the way he lost his fiancée. He’s right. My mistake can be fixed and I could never imagine the emotional agony he must suffer.

“What was her name?” I ask him in barely a whisper. I want to know because it’s always been talked about in hushed tones and she’s always been known as “Tacker’s fiancée” that died in a plane crash. He’s such a closed off man, I have no clue if my request for her name will upset him or not. But he’s made this so real to me…what that pain would feel like if I can’t make things right with Erik, I want to know her name out of a sense of honor and respect.

Tacker’s lips curve slightly upward…just barely noticeable but he doesn’t try to hide the warmth and tenderness in his eyes. “Melody. But her middle name was Jane so everyone called her MJ.”

“I’m sorry, Tacker. I can’t even imagine.”

We stare at each other, the silence between us heavy with sorrow on both sides. Finally, he gives a slight nod and turns for the door. When he grasps the knob, he pauses and looks over his shoulder at me.

“MJ’s older brother is wheelchair-bound,” he reminds me of something he told me once before. “I know the responsibility that comes with it and I just want you to know…your brother is really lucky to have you.”