CHAPTER NINE
Friday, May 5th
Willa walked into her apartment and dumped her bag on the table and looked around. “Time to get back to my routine,” she said to herself as she noticed a bit of dust on the bookcase. Maybe if she got her apartment cleaned, she’d feel better about the phone call she’d had with Chad earlier.
He was cleared for duty and his date of deployment would soon be announced, and she was freaking the hell out. Why in the world had she let herself fall in love with a man who had a better than average chance of dying?
A big part of her wanted to end it now so she wouldn’t have to stand over his grave.
Morbid and fatalistic?
Damn straight.
But, she’d already done it with both her parents, so she knew exactly what it felt like to see a loved one buried. Sometimes, she could recall the sound of the dirt hitting the top of the coffin with perfect clarity.
The day her mother was buried was the day she understood the desire to crawl into the ground and join the person you lost.
How could she put herself in a position to possibly feel that again?
She walked into her bedroom and got changed, noticing how many pictures there were of her and Chad. One month together and she already had three on her bureau. Picking one up, she rubbed her finger over his face and felt herself smile.
A handsome, brave man who made her laugh wasn’t someone she could let go, but how was she supposed to hold on if she knew what there was ahead of her?
She set the picture back down and felt all her fears spin in her head and knew that the anxiety she’d battled for most of her life was taking hold.
Taking a deep breath, she tried to remember all the coping techniques she’d learned over the years. Her heart began to race, and she sat down on the edge of the bed and closed her eyes, breathing in and out slowly.
The crazy jumble of fears raced around her head, and she knew they were just thoughts and not reality. The best thing she could do was get herself busy, so she could focus on a task. Taking five more breaths, she stood and shook out her hands.
“Kitchen,” she said firmly. There were always things to clean and organize in there, and if she couldn’t be in control of what happened between her and Chad, then she was damn well going to have a clean fridge.
An hour had passed, and she had half her cupboards emptied and was about to start wiping down her spice bottles when there was a knock at her door. Grumbling, she stepped out of her kitchen and swung open the door and saw Chad giving her a worried smile. “Hey.”
“Babe, are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
Moving her out of the doorway, he walked in and opened his arms. “We haven’t spent one night together all week.”
Ignoring his open arms, she spun around and stepped into her kitchen. “I’ve let my chores go and need to get back on schedule.”
“Okaaaay,” he replied as he closed the front door.
“I can’t be spending all my time with you and let my life fall apart.” She saw his hurt expression and flapped her arms. “I’m having a bad day, and you should go home.”
He walked into the kitchen and wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on her head. “We have bad days together, so I’m not going anywhere.”
Feeling the heat of his body and hearing the steady beat of his heart calmed some of her thoughts, and she knew letting him go would be impossible. “Chad…”
“Whatever it is, we can handle it.”
“Don’t be too sure about that.” She stepped out of his embrace and went through her Tupperware lids, matching them to the corresponding containers.
“You want to tell me what’s going on?”
“I’m organizing my Tupperware.”
“Yeah, I can see that, but I’m asking about the thing that has you half off the rails. I see your shaking hands and can hear your teeth grinding, so I’m guessing something is bothering you beyond having your plastic organized.”
“You don’t know that; maybe I like knowing where things are, so when I’m looking for my favorite blue salad bowl it will be there. I don’t enjoy scrambling in my cupboards, not sure if what I want is in there.” Feeling emotion rise, she stacked the lids by size and fought back the tears that threatened to spill.
She wasn’t going to lose it.
Not now, not tomorrow, and certainly not when Chad was deployed.
A big hand fell over hers, and she looked up and felt the first tear slip down her cheek. “I’m going to be out of my mind with worry when you’re downrange, and I just want to know that things are in order, so I can function.” He lifted her up and carried her out of the kitchen and collapsed on the couch as she cried her eyes out.
Hating that she couldn’t control her emotions, she tried to stop her tears but found it wasn’t possible. She buried her face in his T-shirt and felt his big hand rub circles on her back. “I’m sss…sorry.”
“There’s no sorry between us. You let it out and, once you’re done, we’ll sit down nice and quiet and figure out a way to handle it.”
“But…”
“No buts, Willa. We’re together and whatever we have to do to make sure it stays that way is what we’ll do.”
“I’ll try, but I want you to know that I’m scared.”
He lifted her chin and gave her a brief kiss. “Scared we can work with but pulling away will not be tolerated. You can’t keep shit inside and not give us a chance to work it out.”
“All right, I’ll do my best.” Resting her head against his chest, she let out a long breath and knew she had to tell him about her anxiety. He may not want to hang around once he heard, and it was important to let him know so he could make an informed choice.
***
Chad handed Willa a spice bottle and made sure it was the right one. She had already reminded him twice that she liked to store them alphabetically. He’d realized she had some quirks over the last month, and now that he knew she suffered from anxiety, a lot of them made sense.
What didn’t make sense was why she thought he’d stop loving her because of it. Now that he knew what they were dealing with, he could better handle situations that might trigger her. “Babe, NAB has a wives group that might be helpful for you to join. Some of the men’s wives from my team are members, and they give each other a lot of support.”
She placed a bottle on the shelf and then turned around. “But, I’m not a wife.”
“But you’re a significant other, and that’s all you need to be to join the group. One of my buddies got married last year, and he said it made a big difference for him and his wife when he was deployed.” Pulling her in, he wrapped his arms around her waist. “It sure can’t hurt, so think about going.”
“All right.” She wiggled out of his hold and opened the fridge and pulled out two bottles of water. “I’m not going to ignore what’s going on, and I plan on going back to see my therapist. It may be time for me to go on meds again, no matter how much I dislike the idea. I know it’s a smart choice.”
He took the bottle she handed him and grinned. “If you want me to do some couple’s sessions, let me know, and I’ll be there.” The look of surprise she gave him would be insulting if it wasn’t funny. “Don’t look at me like I grew a second head. I’m more evolved than you think, and just because I’m a caveman in some ways doesn’t mean I’m not aware of how things work.”
When she took his water bottle and set it down, he noticed that some of the light had returned to her eyes.
The light that meant he might get lucky.
Standing on her tip toes, she looped her arms around his shoulders and smiled. “Thank you for accepting this broken part of me and showing me your support. I can’t tell you how much it means to me.”
“Always, babe.” He slid his lips over hers and took her mouth, kissing her as if it was the first time.
She threaded her hands through his hair and pulled her head away. “That was some kind of kiss.”
“Only the beginning of what I’m going to give you tonight.” He tapped her ass and grinned. “Let’s get that kitchen back together, so I can show my support in the bedroom.”
“I’ll agree only if you let me do what I want to do.”
“And what is it you want?” When her incredible gray eyes darkened, he knew he’d love whatever she had in mind.
“Everything, Chad.”
“More than happy to give it to you.” He took her mouth again and knew they had an incredible future ahead of them. It wasn’t going to be problem free, but it was sure as shit going to make them both happy.