August 2002
“Stop thinking about it,” Mia tells me.
I look over at her from the corner of my eye and bite the inside of my cheek. “I’m not.”
“Liar.”
“I’m not ly—”
“You’re biting the inside of your cheek.”
I let out a sigh. “Okay, you got me, but I can’t stop. You leave tomorrow and it’s all I can think about. It’s like my mind can hear the clock ticking constantly until we’re not together anymore.”
“We’ll still be together, there’ll just be more space between us. Plus, you said you’d come visit me and I’ll come home on breaks. We can make this work.” She stares into my eyes with the confidence I wish I had, and it eases my mind a little. If I’m honest with myself, I’m worried we’ll grow apart. That she won’t want a long distance boyfriend and will move on.
“I’ve got an idea,” she says, hopping up from her spot on my bed.
“Uh oh,” I joke.
“Shut it. I’m serious. We should go get tattoos.” Her eyes are bright, but all I can do is blink a couple times at her. This is so out of character. She never does spontaneous things. “You don’t want to?” she asks when I don’t respond.
“I mean, I do, but have you even thought about what you’d get? This will be on your body forever.”
“Well, no,” she admits. “I just thought it would be fun and get us out of here. Take our minds off things.” She averts her eyes with a shrug and that’s when I see it. She’s sad too. Even with the brave front she’s been putting on, she’s as aware of our limited time as I am.
“Okay, we’ll do it.” Her hands clap in excitement. “One condition: I get to pick what we get.”
Her head shakes back and forth. “I don’t think so, mister.”
“Why?”
“You’re out of your mind if you think I’m going in blind.” Her arms cross over her chest, the excitement from moments ago morphing into annoyance.
“That’s what you’re doing now. You don’t even know what you want!” I argue. With an arched eyebrow, she holds her ground and stares at me. “Do you trust me?”
“This isn’t about trust.”
“Yes, it is. So I’ll ask again; do you trust me?” Her dark blues stare into my greens for what feels like minutes until she finally agrees. “Awesome! Let’s go!”
Josh got a tattoo on his eighteenth birthday, so I called him up to see where he went. He told us to call this guy, Dom. It was supposed to be his day off, but he said he’d come in since we were friends of Josh’s. When we walk in, I’m pumped. I guess I’m a little nervous, but mostly excited. This will be something permanent that will tie us to each other for the rest of our lives. And with my recent doubts, this couldn’t have come at a better time.
I go into a private room with Dom to tell him what I want on each of us. I left Mia in the lobby so she couldn’t hear, which she wasn’t happy about. I want it to be a surprise. I pray she loves it. Truth is, I started thinking about getting one of these when I turned eighteen back in March. But I knew whenever I got one, Mia had to be with me.
A few hours go by and he’s finally done with mine. I want to be manly and say it was a piece of cake, but it hurt like hell. Now that I’m looking at the finished product though, I know it was worth every second. Dom does an amazing job on this 3D effect that looks as if pieces of my flesh are being ripped away from my chest to expose my heart underneath. A small lock hangs from a chain that looks to be partially hidden behind my torn skin as it wraps around my heart. It’s dark and edgy and completely badass.
“Holy shit, Dom. You knocked this one out of the park!” I exclaim.
“Glad you like it, bro.” He goes over the aftercare instructions before I go get Mia from the lobby. I wanted her to see them both finished at the same time. With how great this turned out, I’m more anxious than ever for hers.
Mia’s dad would freak if he knew she was doing this, then he’d murder me for taking her. So she wanted to put it somewhere he wouldn’t see: on her hip. I’m not crazy about this Dom guy touching my girl right below her bikini line, but I guess I don’t have a choice.
“You nervous?” I ask her.
“A little,” she admits.
“About getting the tattoo, or what the tattoo will be of?”
She thinks about it for a second. “Surprisingly, I’m not worried about what you picked out for me. I’m scared it’ll hurt.”
“Well, sweetheart, it’s not a massage,” Dom pipes in. I give him a “seriously?” look. He just shrugs and finishes prepping.
I hold Mia’s hand the whole time. She squeezes it every now and then, but she toughs it out and does pretty good. Hers isn’t as intricate, so it only takes about an hour to complete. He wipes it off and says, “There, go check it out.”
She sits up slowly and takes a look. There’s an ornate key with a ribbon on the end. It’s soft and girly, yet strong and bold; everything Mia is. She walks over to the mirror to get a better look. Taking the Saran Wrap off of mine, we stand side by side and admire our new artwork.
I lace my fingers through hers. “You’ll always hold the key to my heart,” I tell her quietly.
In her reflection, I see the tears welling up in her eyes. “I love it,” she rasps out, and I’m so happy and relieved. “And I love you.”
Looking at her warmly, I smile and give her a kiss. “Let’s get out of here.” Grabbing her hand, we walk to the counter, pay, and then head back to my house.
When we walk in, it’s quiet. Flipping on a lamp, my eyes land on a note on the kitchen counter.
There’s leftover pizza in the fridge. Be home late. I’ll be at Barbara’s for girls’ night. Text me if you need anything.
XO,
Mom
“Looks like Mom went out. She won’t be home until later tonight,” I tell Mia. She nods, looking around. “You hungry?”
“Starving.”
I pull the pizza Mom saved out of the fridge and heat it up. “What time are you leaving tomorrow morning?”
“Dad and I are getting on the road at seven in the morning. That should put us there around one or two.”
I shouldn’t have brought it up because the next fifteen minutes are spent in deafening silence. I wish there was something I could say to lighten the mood, but the inevitable is hitting us both like a freight train. Time is ticking by despite how desperate we are to freeze it.
“Come here,” I tell her after we’re done eating and I’ve taken our dishes to the sink. She walks over to me in the middle of the kitchen and I wrap my arms around her. My heart beats rapidly, trying to escape from my chest so she can take it with her. “What do you want to do?”
“I want to pretend this isn’t our last night. I want us to act normal and do whatever we normally do.”
“Want to go to my room, listen to music, and just chill then?”
A small smile forms on her lips. “That’s my favorite thing.”
With our hands clasped together, we walk up the stairs and I try hard to not act like I’m walking the plank. It’s just impossible to ignore. With every step, every breath, each word, and every second, we’re that much closer to saying goodbye.
And it’s killing me.
I turn on my stereo to her favorite station. I’m more of a rock guy, but she loves that ‘N Sync and Britney Spears shit. So for her, I’ll risk my stereo bursting into flames from playing shitty music and let her have her way.
Every time we’re in here, we always lie on the bed, stare up at the ceiling, and hold hands. Even when we were only friends, this is what we did. As we grew closer and lines became blurred, a lot more kissing was involved, but this is our center, our starting point.
“I’m going to miss you,” she whispers.
“Don’t. I’m not ready to say our goodbyes yet.”
She nods, blinking away the tears. Holding her face in my hands, I do the only thing I know how to comfort her and place my lips on hers. She devours the solace I try to provide not only her, but myself as well. She clings to my shirt and it’s not long until I taste salt on my tongue and know she’s crying. It makes me hold on to her tighter.
“Shh, it’s okay,” I tell her between kisses.
She runs her hand under my shirt and my abs tighten with her touch. Where she normally touches me gently, this time there’s a desperation in the rough way her hands run over my skin. They travel higher up before stopping when they reach the bandage on my chest.
“I almost forgot,” she says. “Take it off.”
Sitting up, I grab the back of my shirt collar and pull it over my head. I barely have time to throw it on the floor before she’s kissing me again. The only time we separate is when I remove her shirt. Our hands run all over our bodies, exploring and memorizing every inch.
Her fingers fumble with my button and zipper and I slide my pants off. I copy her and now we’re both sitting here in only our underwear. We pull away and stare into each other’s eyes, seeming to communicate without words.
I want this. I want you.
I do too.
Are you sure you’re ready?
Yes.
Without breaking contact, I reach around her back and unclasp her bra, my hands trembling slightly as I do. I swallow hard when she stands in front of me, hooks her fingers in her lace underwear, and slides them down her legs.
“Fuck. You’re so gorgeous.” Her cheeks tint pink.
Standing up, I follow her lead and take off my boxers, allowing my hard on to spring free. She glances down at it before looking back up to me. She licks her lips and I can’t take anymore. I have to touch her, taste her . . . something.
Closing the distance, I kiss her again and lead her back to the bed. She lies down and I get on top of her, bracing my weight on my forearms. My dick presses against her thigh and I could die. It throbs, seeking the one thing it’s dreamt of for so long.
Leaning to my side, my hand moves over her stomach toward her center. When I reach between her thighs, she’s already wet, and that makes this even more excruciating. She’s not even really touching me and I’m so damn turned on I could use my boner as a weapon.
With one finger, I press against her entrance and I slip right in. This isn’t the first time I’ve done this to her, and I’m hoping it’ll be enough to relax her so she can enjoy this as much as possible even though I know it’s going to hurt. I move it in and out of her before adding a second finger. Her breathing increases and a soft moan comes out when my thumb touches her center. I rub it in small circles the way she likes, and it’s not long before she’s clutching the sheets and yelling into my mouth.
Reaching into my nightstand, I pull out a condom and open it with my teeth. I try to roll it on, but realize I have it the wrong way and have to flip it around before finally sliding it over my hard length. When I look back at Mia, she’s watching me wide-eyed. I suddenly become worried that she’s not ready for this.
“We don’t have to do this if you’re not ready. We can stop now. You say the word, Mia. I promise I won’t be upset.” I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.
She shakes her head. “No, I’m ready and I want to do this. Please, show me you love me.”
Holding myself above her again, I taste her sweet lips before pulling back and aligning myself up to her opening. My pulse is leaping and my breaths are heavy. “I’ll try to go quick so it doesn’t hurt for long, but tell me to stop if it’s too much, okay?” She nods and blows out a breath while she closes her eyes briefly.
Truth be told, I’m not completely confident in what I’m doing. I’m hoping it’s similar to a band aid and the faster, the better. I start to push into her and her face pulls together in discomfort. Not wanting to go too fast, I push all the way in in one, fluid motion. She gasps and winces slightly once I’m buried all the way in her. I freeze, but my muscles tremble with the need to move. This is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. She’s so tight, so wet, so warm.
“Are you okay?” I ask her, my voice strained.
She nods. “Yeah, it’s getting better. It was just a sharp pain at first, but it’s going away.”
“Do you need me to wait?”
“No, you’re good.”
I pull back slowly and have to really concentrate to make this last longer than five seconds, but as I keep moving, it becomes harder and harder. She feels too good, and I’m almost to the point of no return. My eyes squeeze shut, desperate to hold off, but it’s a losing battle.
A few minutes later, a long moan sounds in the back of my throat as my release explodes out of me. It feels like an out-of-body experience and I swear I see stars as I collapse on top of her. Gently, I pull out of her and remove the condom, being sure to tie it off before throwing it in the trash bin beside my bed. I get under the covers and hold them open for her to join me so I can hold her. She rests her head on my chest, neither of us saying a word.
“Sorry you didn’t—you know—get yours,” I offer up lamely. I’m sort of embarrassed I couldn’t last longer and all I wanted to do was make it good for her.
“I did before, remember?”
“I know, but I wanted it to be good for you too.”
“It was perfect because it was with you.”
“I love you.” I squeeze her tight and kiss the top of her head. This is it. Our last night together.
“Today was full of firsts, wasn’t it?” I ask her.
“Yeah, even though it was only one for you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know, what we just did. I’m sure—I mean, you’ve done it before.”
“That’s what you think?” She doesn’t say anything. Pushing her back gently so she can look into my eyes, I say, “Mia, you were my first everything.”
“You never told me that,” she replies quietly, almost seeming ashamed.
I shrug. “It’s not something we ever really talked about before.” She rolls over on her stomach so her chin is resting on my chest and she’s looking up at me. A smile stretches across your face. “What?” I eye her suspiciously.
She shakes her head. “Nothing. That just makes me happy.”
“Thank God for that pact, right?” I joke.
“Right.”
The day I’ve dreaded all summer is here. Mia leaves in thirty minutes, and I’m not ready. Walking over to her house, I decide to climb up the back of the house for old time’s sake. I’m a little surprised the flimsy wood supports my weight, but it gets me up to the window. I tap on it lightly and wait for her to answer.
“You could have used the door, you know?”
“What’s the fun in that?” I pull myself into her room.
“How are you feeling?” I ask with a pointed look. Her cheeks heat up and I know she understands my meaning.
“Sore, but otherwise good,” she responds.
Glancing around her room, everything seems bare, and it’s really hitting me hard in the chest. All her pictures are gone, her closet is empty, and her desk is completely cleared off. It’s only a room with furniture now. She’s really doing this. “You got everything you need?”
She glances around. “Yeah, I think so. Whatever I forget Dad can mail me.”
I nod, the pit in my stomach growing as I stand here. “I should’ve postponed my written test for the department and driven you up there.”
“No, that’s important too, Blake.”
“Not as important as spending every last minute I can with you.”
She smiles sweetly at me. “This isn’t forever. We will see each other, so remember that. How about we make a new pact?”
“What do you have in mind?”
“Before one of us has to leave, we make plans for our next visit. That way we can look forward to that and it’ll make goodbyes easier.”
“Not goodbye, just see you later,” I say.
“Exactly.”
“Okay, deal.” I hold my hand out and we shake on it.
“I’ll come see you for fall break,” I say.
“Perfect. Now we look forward to that.” She smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. It’s hard to fake happiness when both of us are sad.
“Come on, Mia! We gotta go!” her dad yells from downstairs.
With a deep breath in and out, she gets up and walks to the door. I follow closely behind her. When we get to the bottom, I drape my arm over her shoulders, trying to hold on to her until the very last second. I’m going to miss the way she looks when she first wakes up, the sound of her giggles when I do something stupid, the smell of her lavender shampoo, and the feel of her lips on mine.
I walk her to her car and know this is it. We hold each other tightly as she buries her face in my chest. I hear her sniff a few times as her body shudders and know she’s crying, which isn’t making this any easier on me. “Don’t cry. You know I hate it when you cry,” I whisper into her hair.
She pulls back and we kiss until her dad clears his throat behind us. “Okay, you two. I think that’s good enough.” There’s a little humor in his voice, but I know he’s serious. Even though Mr. Avery likes me, there are certain boundaries I’m careful not to cross in front of him. And mauling his daughter’s face with my tongue is one of them.
After she gets into the car, I close the door behind her, shutting my heart in there with her. “I love you,” she says through the glass.
“I love you more.”