I’ve been dragging my feet all morning thinking that if I stayed behind the closed doors of this room hidden away that maybe she’d change her mind about leaving today. I’ve been racking my brain to come up with a plan to keep her here a little longer, but I’ve been given direct orders to take her home and trust the support of the family. Fucking trust.

That’s a lot to ask for when the woman that I care about has her life on the line. Defying this direct order isn’t an option. Problem is, I don’t have another one. Her safety means everything to me and there’s nothing I wouldn’t risk to ensure it.

After dinner my father casually informed me that or men found Lorenzo Bertoni. They spent the entire day trying to get information out of the asshole. At that point the pain he’d endured hadn’t motivated him. That wasn’t acceptable for me, and if we don’t know how deep the roots of this threat extend and who the involved parties are, what exactly are we going to be looking for?

My father has a suspicion and if he’s right, Elianna doesn’t stand a chance. Sergio Vigo is a dangerous man and I don’t want to wait for him to get desperate because his cover is blown and with his go to off-radar hit man missing we can’t expect that to take long. But what if my father’s suspicion is wrong? It’s possible. So then we’re back at square one, and I refuse to play with odds like that.

For a little while I thought I’d finally found what I wanted and damn if I didn’t think I could have it all. It was almost perfect, chaos and all. Truth is the only way to define what’s most important to me is by making it my priority and if I want to keep Elianna in my life I’m going to have to fight the evils threatening her life. For days my head has been so fucked up trying to win her heart, that the fact that her life was on the line became secondary. This is her life we’re dealing with.

I can accept it if she decides I’m not be the man she wants. I’m burying my feeling under sixteen feet of concrete if that’s what it takes. It’s even okay if she doesn’t like me after it’s all said and done. She can say whatever she wants and I’ll take anything she throws at me with a God damned smile. But even if I’m imagining the worst and it’s not how she feels, I’m still fucked.

If Elianna told me today that we’re meant to be together, it would kill me to do it, but I’d have to discourage it. Being so wrapped up in enjoying all the little things about her consumes me and there’s no avoiding the feelings she stirs in me when I claim her. Pushing her away may very well be the end of us, but I can’t have the starring role of the love interest in her story and expect to see the evil that’s looming. Someone has to be focused enough to fucking save the girl, and this time, it’s going to be me. I’ll risk losing her love before I’ll risk losing her life. Her story will not end like Matteo’s.

I just have to believe that if Elianna is the girl for me, that we’ll get through all this shit that’s meant to destroy what we can someday hopefully be and maybe we’ll come out stronger on the other side. I want her, complications and all, just not yet. I have to save her first.

After I take Elianna home and make sure she’s secured, Lorenzo better hope God will have mercy on his soul because I fucking won’t.

* * *

Spending twenty-four hours a day for a week with Eli has taught me a few things and one of them is that her silence is never quiet. I can almost hear her audible cries and it kills me. I’m not sure what’s going on in her head. Maybe it has something to do with the heart to heart with my father this morning, but I worry there’s more to this.

When I walked downstairs and found two of them chatting and laughing over coffee it gave me a little peace seeing that smile on her, but as I got closer I saw the glaze over her eyes from tears. The possibility that I could be the cause for some of her heartache doesn’t sit well with me. Unfortunately, there isn’t another option with any risks I could live with the consequences for. This will be a small price to pay in the grand scheme, but after all she’s endured already, any price is too steep.

I just hope I can resolve it quickly before she loses hope in us. When you have a good thing, you’re supposed to hold on to it and as much as I want to hold on tight to her and never fucking let go, I can’t. I won’t ever really let her go, but there’s no way I can do what needs to be done and keep her close either. Maybe one day she’ll understand, even if she hates me for now.

We’re in the car headed back to Boston and she hasn’t said anything to me since we closed the doors. Nothing, not one single word, but I’m not sure what I expect her to say.

“Elianna, feel free to change the station if you have a preference,” I offer, trying to break the silence.

“Thanks,” she whispers, looking out the passenger window hastily. She doesn’t change the station and is still silent. The last thing I want is to cause more pain for her. I’d love to pretend any agony she’s feeling now has nothing to do with me, but I know that would be a lie.

Not going to her in my bed last night felt wrong to my core. I wanted to apologize for all the shit that went wrong yesterday, but I knew if I did that there would be no turning back.

“Lucas,” she mutters softly. “Can we talk for a minute?”

“I’m here, principessa,” I tell her, hoping she’s going to give me some insight into how she’s really doing, if only to relieve some of my own guilt.

“I just wanted to tell you that I realize I crossed the line yesterday and I’m sorry. I think I overreacted being ambushed by these emotions I’m not accustomed to. Honestly, I’m probably ill-equipped to handle all of this. It’s just been so much to deal with in such a short amount of time and yesterday, it all hit me and I took it out on you. Everything came out wrong and that’s not what I wanted. I don’t know why I kept trying to push you away, other than to admit I’m scared. So I am . . . I’m admitting I’m utterly terrified and when all I really needed yesterday was to be close to you and to let you hold me tight, I panicked. This is new to me and everyone I’ve ever needed in life, I’ve lost. It’s easier to admit I’m scared than it is to admit I need someone else.” She pauses, taking in a deep breath. Fuck me. This situation couldn’t be more wrong. Then she continues. “I feel like everything’s falling apart now and it’s my own fault. I don’t know where I stand with you anymore and I’m not sure an apology is enough at this point. I guess I just need to know where we go from here,” she finishes, sounding insecure and full of guilt.

I’m not sure why I ever expected that I’d somehow be able to pull this off and letting her carry the burden of guilt and blame isn’t okay. I wish I could lay everything out on the table so that she’d understand better what we’re dealing with. But even if I could, what would that help? My girl is already scared for her life and she doesn’t have the slightest clue how serious this threat could really be. Add to that the possibility that my brother’s death could be connected, that alone would break her in ways I don’t ever want to imagine.

If that ends up being true and she has to find out, I hope to God it’s when the threat of everything else affecting her is in the past. I’m not sure I’d be able to live with any outcome after that that didn’t include me at her side in a time like that, for both of our sakes. No one knows the pain that she’ll have to endure more than me and the only way we’re ever going to be able to pick up those pieces is together and that couldn’t be more obvious to me right now. It kills me that she’s admitting she needs me right now, but she’ll need me a lot more when this is all said and done. Unfortunately, that fact doesn’t make it any easier to not fulfill her immediate needs.

“Yesterday definitely wasn’t one of our better days. I couldn’t agree more, but it’s not your fault, principessa.” I sigh, seeing her fidget with her fingers nervously when I take a quick glance toward her. She’s trying not to seem overeager for a response. I really wish it could be one that I mean. “I’ve been so wrapped up in you the past few months that it’s been easy to forget the rest of the world revolving around you. Even though some moments together have been more challenging than others, I wouldn’t trade those tough times for any peaceful day without you. I wish I could’ve planned for this impact you’ve had on my life – on me. I’ve figured out there isn’t much worse than finding the right person at the wrong time.”

Eli’s body stiffens and in my peripheral I see her shift her body to angle in the opposite direction toward the passenger door. Her vision is fixed on the window and the scenery outside the bubble of my car. There’s no doubt she’s shut down. I realize even though I led up to that last statement with a lot of the good stuff, she could care less. She’s holding on to those last two words. Wrong time.

“Elianna, I don’t want you to think I’m saying this is over, because I promise that’s not what I mean nor will I ever accept. You’ve always been a permanent fixture in my life. I just never in a million years expected it to be like this. We went from zero to sixty faster than any fired up Porsche and now we’re on traveling on these open roads with no fucking clue how to shift gears, much less have a map. All I’m saying is that maybe if we slow down and work through the basics we could have a chance. I’m sure you have things going on it your life that deserves your focus and I have some very important things I’ve dropped the ball on that I need to get in order. I’m trying really fucking hard here not screw things up with you, sunshine, but ninety percent of the things I know about you is information I learned second hand from brother. I want us to have a fighting chance, Elianna, but how is that possible if we don’t learn to be friends too.” I glance over at her and see her delicate fingers holding the matte black key, toying with it nervously as it hangs from the chain around her neck.

“Sunshine, I’m not letting go and I really hope you’re not either. You deserve better than the commitment level I can offer right now, but if I can be honest. I wouldn’t be able to give you any less than everything because that’s the kind of power you have on me. The problem is there’ll be unintended consequences from all the shit I sacrifice for your time causing problems I don’t want us to deal with. In a perfect world I could deal with my responsibilities and still keep you close, but I’ve never lived in a perfect world. I can’t have it all because I’m incapable of giving a shit about anything that doesn’t pertain to you. As much as I enjoy being consumed by thoughts of Elianna Nicchi night and day, turning my back on all my other priorities that people count on me for isn’t the type of man I want to be anymore than it’s the type of man you’d ever give pieces of yourself to. I want you in my life, as a friend for right now if that’s possible for you, while we both mange our lives. It’ll also give you some time to decide for yourself if you want to be attached to me in bigger ways,” I finish, hoping I was convincing enough, but there’s no doubt my determination falters when I see her slump into the seat, still fidgeting with her necklace.

I’m seconds away from pulling the car over and claiming her here on the side of the road, just to prove how much I need her. Someone is going to fucking pay for putting us in this situation.

Protecting Elianna shouldn’t require me to cause her pain in the process. There has to be another way because this one isn’t going to cut it. Just as I’m taking my foot off the gas though, she speaks.

“I get it, Lucas. It’s fine. You’ve been a part of my life since I took my first breath,” she says, sounding noncommittal. She pauses and then continues with resentment in her tone. “That doesn’t have to change if that’s where this thing between us is headed, but friendship means something to me. There are very few people in my life that I can label as a true friend, but there will never be another like your brother for me. If you’re thinking of stepping in as his replacement, it’s impossible. You might want to consider lowering your expectations if that’s what you’re picturing because it’s unrealistic,” she finishes in dazed exasperation. Fucking hell. Now I’m even more pissed at this situation, the family mentality and probably the whole fucking world too, along with Elianna’s current attitude.

“Principessa, if there’s even a small part of you that thinks that’s what I’m looking for as an end result, not only have you forgotten the countless incredible hours I’ve spent buried deep inside you this week, but it’s possible you don’t know me very well either,” I shoot back, calling her attitude and then raising.

It takes a large amount of willpower to restrain from pulling over for a needed reminder showing her exactly how different we are from any damn friendship she’s ever had. Since I’ve touched the places no other man has, I think it’s fair to say we’re always going to be more than just friends.

“Exactly, Lucas. Finally! I was starting to wonder if you’d ever realize how little I do actually know and understand about you and your life. I’m not sure how you expect me to know anything that counts with that treasure trove of secrets you’re holding on tight to. You leave the biggest parts of yourself open to interpretation. So don’t be mad at me when I assume incorrectly. If you want me to know your intentions, it’ll take more than what you’ve offered. A lot of people would consider me to be smart. I can figure out some pretty complex stuff when I put my mind to it, but with you, I really hope there’s an idiots guide somewhere. You know what though, this isn’t your fault. It’s mine for only seeing the parts of you that I wanted, ignoring the warning bells, and even thinking about settling for the superficial expectations for a woman in the family,” she finishes, her voice hoarse with her frustration. I’m immediately branded with a punishment of overwhelming guilt and un-fucking-relenting regret.

I wish I could argue my case and tell her she’s wrong about me, but she’s not. I’ve asked for a lot from her out of necessity to keep her safe, and she’s given it all. She has a right to feel bitter about this. A week ago, I was busting down this same door I’m now trying to pretty much close or leave cracked enough to still be visible and I’m doing that without any real explanation. Yeah, I’d be pissed at me too. I haven’t reciprocated by giving her anything other than my cock every chance I got. Even with that, she contributed so much fucking more of her, just to get what I was giving.

La mia principessa. She’s had more heartache and struggles than she’s deserved, and now I’m adding to it. If I could stand to touch her for any length of time without the craving to stake my claim, I’d let her kick my ass, but since that won’t work I’ll have to settle for giving her other pieces of me. Hell, it’s the least I can do at this point.

“Sunshine, you know better than most that there’s a lot of information I can’t give you, but with the other stuff, you’re right. I haven’t shown you any of my cards and that doesn’t make this a fair game. So let’s fix it. What do you want to know? If I can answer your questions, I will,” I offer, glancing over to find Eli instantly livened.

“Okay. This is a change. I’m not sure where to start. Had I known I was going to have this chance I would’ve made a spreadsheet,” she says, with a heavy dose of sarcasm.

“Elianna, do you have questions or not? One way or another we’re moving on and by the end of this car ride we’re going to be true friends, principessa,” I promise.

“I know you have cameras at my house since you weren’t really trying to hide it when you told your men to get you the tapes. Where are they? Outside, inside or both?”

“Let me be real clear on this one. If there’s a camera anywhere inside your house, I want to fucking know right away. I know for a fact you sometimes like to prance around in those tiny little things you call sleep shorts, which would be better named panties. Don’t even get me started on those paper thin tee shirts you wear with your not-shorts, that are tight enough for me to see the outline of your tits, the pebbles of your nipples, and depending on the color of the shirt your damn tit-flesh. I can guarantee anyone who would dare attempt to film or monitor inside your home, damn sure isn’t my men. Plus, you should already know it’s not me since I’m not much of a watcher type. Where you’re concerned especially, I’d prefer to be as hands on as possible. Only a dead man would put cameras inside the home of La mia principessa. Okay?”