I’ve lived more in the last thirty years than most live their entire life, and more often than not I’ve contemplated checking out. I listen to that bitch inside my head, that treacherous maker of mine who sinks her claws into me every now and again, reminding me I should be dead. She whispers in my ear and entices me with all the ways I can end it.
Put the gun in your mouth and pull the trigger.
Jump off the Verrazano Bridge.
Hang yourself from the ceiling fan.
Then something happens that makes me realize my time here isn’t finished. There are still people who need Jack Parrish in their life. Knowing that, I fight with my mind to sustain another day. I say day because each one is a struggle and the next one is not guaranteed.
I like to think I’ll live a long life or at least long enough to walk my girl down the aisle and see her hold her firstborn in her arms. I’d also like to see my new boy grow into a man but that’s not likely. I can quit smoking, go for my yearly physical, hell, I can even take one of those daily vitamins Reina is always going on about, but if I don’t get a handle on my mind then none of that will matter. I’m not a man who fears much but I’m petrified of losing my battle with manic depression.
Should I lose my mind completely, what happens to all these people?
All these people I swore to protect.
The people who are property of Parrish.
What happens to them?
Pipe’s face flashes before me, reminding me of all the times he’s had my back. Times when I wanted to give up but he forced me to push through the crazy and be the leader my club needed.
Next, my thoughts wander to Blackie. More than a brother, he is the man who is meant to spend the rest of his life loving my daughter. He’s the man who will take care of her when I’m gone.
Together, Pipe and Blackie are the legacy I leave behind. For when the crazy finally wins me over, it will be Blackie who takes the gavel. He’ll need someone in his ear, someone strong with old school values. Someone like Pipe will help him rule this empire, wrangle in the mayhem and drive the club forward. With both of them MIA, this club doesn’t stand a chance, I don’t stand a chance, and everyone I’m responsible for are all at risk. Glancing over my shoulder, through the living room window, I take in all the people who for the last twelve hours have been sitting around Wolf’s house. Some don’t blink an eye at lock downs. They’ve had their share of the sinister world we live in, they’ve drunk from Satan’s cup and this is second nature to them.
Then there is the new blood, people like Layla and her kids who have no idea what to expect. They don’t know what it means to be mine. Like the many before her, Pipe’s old lady thinks I’m crazy. Which is a fair assumption. However, as mentally deranged as I might be, and as hopeless as I feel, I still want to show her the way. Just as I’ve proved to all the others who doubted me, I want to prove to Layla that the Satan’s Knights always prevail. I want to watch her eyes shine just as bright as Gina’s did when I visited her after her attack. I can envision her thanking me just as Celeste did when I brought home her little girl. And like Ally learned what it meant to be property of Parrish, I want to teach Layla too.
“Jack?”
Turning my head, I stare at Wolf and Riggs.
“What’s going on?” Wolf asks, jutting his chin.
“You ever wonder about the end,” I ask, watching as Riggs’ jaw clenches and his nostrils flare with anger.”
“Is this about that fucking pencil dick motherfucker?” Riggs growls as he lifts his hand and points a finger at me “Don’t let Brantley get in your head. You hear me, Parrish? He doesn’t get to bring us down. We’re going to find where he took Pipe, and when we do that motherfucker is mine. I’m putting the fucking bullet in his head, and depending on how I feel I might shoot his dick off too.”
Wolf being the more levelheaded of the two stares at me, trying to read my mind. A wasted effort but it doesn’t stop him from trying. He’s a loyal motherfucker too. He’s the glue that keeps us all together on a Sunday. The sick fuck who doesn’t think twice before mortgaging his house for a brother in need.
“What’s going on, Parrish?” he asks again.
“Nothing,” I assure him. Stepping forward, I grip one shoulder and pat his other arm. “It’s all good, brother,” I add.
He shakes his head.
“No,” he growls. “I know that look and I’m telling you it’s not happening, Parrish.”
“Someone want to fill me in?” Riggs mutters.
“This son of a bitch thinks he’s going off on his own to deal with this crazy fuck,” Wolf explains, pulling away from me. “Not fucking happening.”
“It’s been hours and Brantley hasn’t reached out,” I reply. “I don’t know where to start looking for Pipe and no one has been able to get in touch with Blackie.”
“Well, sitting around scratching our balls isn’t going to make them magically appear,” Wolf growls. “Maybe it’s time we roll out of here and put these cops to shame. We’ll find Brantley before them and the mayor will give us the key to the city.”
“I’m with Wolf on this one,” Riggs chimes in. “I’ve had enough of this shithead. It’s time to smoke him the fuck out and move on with our lives. Wait, no, if we smoke him out then we won’t get the key to the city, right?”
“We won’t roll wide,” Wolf continues, ignoring Riggs’ antics as he tries to reel me back from the edge of insanity. “We do this old school. We leave Bas, Needles and the nomads here with the women and the three of us ride,” he says, pointing between me, him and Riggs. “It’s not up for a vote.”
“Like the three amigos?” Riggs asks
“More like the three stooges, kid,” Wolf grunts.
“Not an option,” I argue. “I’m riding blind here and I won’t take you two for the ride. If anyone is gonna get buried it’s gonna to be me.”
“Kitten knows I want to be cremated so I’m good to go,” Riggs says, rubbing his hands together.
“Parrish,” Wolf calls, dragging my attention back to him. “We’re doing this together.”
Every minute wasted arguing with them is another Brantley gets the upper hand. It’s another minute we leave Pipe at his mercy. Not willing to let the cocksucker take more than he has, I nod curtly.
“Fine,” I mutter. “We’ll comb the city from borough to borough until we bring Pipe back and find Blackie,” I state before glancing back at the window. “Say your goodbyes.”
Following orders, they hustle into the house. We lie through our teeth, telling everyone we’re going to the police station to see if there is any word on Brantley. We promise we’ll be back in no time.
I kiss Reina goodbye.
I hold my precious boy one final time and wish him a beautiful life.
I kiss my daughter and pray her mind goes easy on her.
While I wait for Wolf and Riggs to finish their goodbyes, I instruct the rest of the club to hang tight and keep everyone safe. Then I turn and watch my originals lay it all down to ride with me.
Riggs swings his boy in the air and showers him with kisses. He tells him to always take the detours in life before turning to his precious Kitten. He makes a big show of kissing her and promises to return. He doesn’t believe he will because he kisses his mother-in-law goodbye too. Wolf huddles close to his three sons and though I can’t hear him, I know he’s imparting words of wisdom.
Once they’re finished the three us walk out the front door never expecting to return. Our boots shuffle down the steps as we make our way toward our bikes. Straddling my Harley, I tie a bandanna around my head before throwing up my kickstand. To my right, Wolf pulls out his chain and lifts the gold crucifix to his lips before making the sign of the cross. On my left, Riggs fits his sunglasses to his face with one hand and points up to the sky with the other, asking Bones to guide him.
The originals are ready to ride.
But first we need to make one stop.
Leading them, I peel away from Wolf’s house and take them on an unexpected detour. It’s time for Satan to have a sit down with God. Pulling up in front of Regina Pacis Church, I turn to the guys and take in their bewildered expressions. Killing my engine, I signal for them to do the same. Staring up at the church looking frightened, Riggs hesitates.
Not Wolf though. It’s feeding time at the zoo and the animal needs a snack. He’s probably conjuring a plan on how to steal the Eucharist.
“Make it right with the man upstairs,” I tell them. “Ask him to forgive you and welcome you into his kingdom,” I order as we climb the steps of the church.
“Man, isn’t it a little late for that?” Riggs probes.
“It’s never too late to find your faith,” I reply as I walk into the house of the Lord. Dipping my hand in the fountain of holy water, I bless myself and urge my brothers to do the same.
Wolf dips his fingers in the water and makes the sign of the cross. Turning to Riggs, I expect him to do the same but he shakes his head defiantly.
“I’m not sticking my hand in there, man,” he whispers harshly. “The church will fall down.”
“Take the holy water, kid,” Wolf growls, grabbing his hand and shoving it into the fountain.
“The two of you are quacks,” Riggs grinds out as Wolf lifts his hand to his forehead and makes him do the sign of the cross.
Blessed, I turn and follow the sound of the priest’s voice. We step inside the chapel and stand in the back as he delivers the Gospel. Lifting his eyes, the man of the cloth pauses as he stares at us.
“This is like that scene in Sister Act when the neighborhood hoodlums walk in during mass and the priest welcomes them. That’s us, we’re those people,” Riggs mutters under his breath.
“Shut the fuck up. You’re in the house of God,” Wolf hisses. “Look at what you did, you made me curse in church.”
“Come, my brothers,” the priest calls. “Welcome.”
A sense of peace washes over me as I’m drawn deeper into the church. Staring at the crucifix hanging high above the altar, I kneel out of respect and slide into the last pew. Wolf and Riggs eventually stop bickering and follow me.
The priest continues to speak and the Gospel shifts gears as he begins to speak of sin.
“God made us sinners,” he begins. “He hates sin but he loves the sinner,” he says, lifting his head his eyes meet mine.
He’s talking to me.
God is talking to me.
“He even loves the devil,” the priest continues, going on to talk about how it’s a person’s choices that send them to Hell and not God’s doing. He creates us with our own free will and though we decide to sin, there is still a chance for redemption. He looks at me again and tells me the first step is coming into his home, begging for forgiveness.
“Forgive me father,” I whisper.
“Jack, you can recite the Hail Mary until you’re blue in the face,” Riggs whispers. “But first we gotta go get Blackie and Pipe.”
“Watch over them,” I pray. “My brothers and sisters, watch over them,” I plead.
“Great,” Riggs mutters. “He’s gone.”
“Parrish, you still with us?” Wolf whispers beside me.
“I’m with you,” I murmur. “He’s with us too,” I assure him, pointing to Jesus on the cross. “He’s coming with us.”
“Sure he is, buddy,” Riggs says. “Are Mary and Joseph coming along too?”
“God is good. God is right,” I chant.
“Is God ready to roll out?” Riggs asks, leaning over me. “Wolf, man, do something, we’re losing him to the other side!”
“Come on, Jack, it’s time to go,” Wolf urges, taking my arm.
“I want to receive communion,” I tell him, snatching my arm back. He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t know I need this. I need the assurance that everyone will be alright, that there is someone, some higher power looking over the people I swore to protect. Someone who will step in when I lose the war to my maker.
As I wait to receive Holy Communion, I know that God above will help me. He will stay with me when my mind fails and he’ll help me keep my people safe. I’m not alone in this crusade anymore.
“Body of Christ,” the priest murmurs.
“Amen,” I reply as he places the wafer on my tongue.
I make the sign of the cross one final time and make my way to the back of the church where Riggs and Wolf are waiting for me.
“Let’s ride,” I say.
“Thank Christ,” Riggs hisses.
He doesn’t get it either but he doesn’t need to.
Only I need to.
The motherfucking Bulldog.
The sinner who God still loves.
With God on my side, I take to my bike. I think of the book of hymns a stranger gave to me at my son’s funeral and I start to hum along with music inside my head.
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
That’s when my phone rings.
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
Reaching for it, I flip it around and stare at Blackie’s number.
Praise Jesus!
“Black, you son of a bitch,” I shout into the phone. “Where the fuck are you?”
“Listen to me carefully,” he says quickly. “I need you to meet me at my old apartment.”
“The Gardens? That shit’s boarded up,” I reply.
“Brantley has Pipe in the apartment,” he adds exasperatedly.
“How do you know this?”
“After the cops showed up with the warrant to exhume Christine’s body I went looking for Brantley. I needed to make him pay for what he did to her but then that shit happened with Jones and he took off—”
“Why didn’t you tell us?”
“She was my wife, Jack,” he states. “This is personal. It’s not about the club. Or it wasn’t until he called me and told me to meet him at the apartment. I haven’t gone in yet because I saw him drag Pipe inside. He’s in bad shape.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“I want you to come here and get Pipe out of here so I can do what the fuck I gotta do.”
He doesn’t need to say another word.
It’s time to fade Brantley to black.
It’s time to give Blackie peace once and for all and save Pipe. The doubt that has been haunting me since Layla showed on my doorstep fades as my maker becomes silent. Disconnecting the call, I find the agility I need to prevail.
The strength I need to lead.
Trusting I’m back in the game, Riggs and Wolf don’t ask any questions and together we peel away from the church. It takes twenty minutes for us to get downtown to the abandoned apartment complex. Parking our bikes on the street, we grab our weapons and take to the pavement using the feet God gave us and we meet Blackie in front of the building.
When he first went off the grid, I feared the worst and expected to find him in a crack house with a needle in his arm. I should have had more faith in him. I should have never let my maker get to me. Like that bitch made me doubt myself, she made me doubt him too.
Standing in front of me, he’s not the same Blackie who sat on the floor of a bathroom holding his girl. He’s not the man who tortured himself day in and day out over her death. He’s heartbroken over the loss but he has purpose. As a sinner God still loves, Blackie has found his way and this mission isn’t about his grief. No, this is about paying his respects to the woman he loved and lost.
This mission is about Pipe and restoring his faith in brotherhood.
It’s everything being property of Parrish is about.
The broken hallelujah rings in my ears as I enter the building alongside Blackie. He leads us down the hallway to the apartment he shared with his bride. As he reaches for the door, Riggs grips his shoulder and pulls him back. Lifting his leg, he kicks open the door and steps back.
“After you,” Riggs growls.
“Who’s there?” Brantley hollers. His gun clicks into place and echoes loudly. “Blackie? Is that you?”
Unable to move, consumed by the memories, Blackie remains rooted in place.
“No, motherfucker, it’s me,” I call, leaving Blackie at the door with Riggs. “Jack fucking Parrish,” I growl as I step over the threshold with Wolf close behind.
“No,” Brantley shrieks. “No, no, no,” he chants as I walk deeper into the apartment.
“Someone’s shitting his pants,” Wolf mutters joyfully.
Keeping my gun cocked, I turn the corner and spot Brantley in what once was Blackie’s living room. A disheveled mess, he spins around and points his gun directly at Pipe who is lying on the floor in a pool of blood.
“Jesus, fuck! What’d you do to him?”
“Pipe,” Wolf calls.
“It’s about time you motherfuckers showed up,” he moans.
“Shut up! All of you shut up,” Brantley shrieks as he rushes to Pipe. Bending down, he digs the barrel of the gun into Pipes temple and lifts his eyes to us. “Another word and I’ll kill him,” he hollers.
“Like you killed my wife?” Blackie says from behind me.
“She would’ve died anyway,” Brantley argues. No one lives long under Parrish’s thumb. Ask him. Ask your friend Pipe here,” he growls. “Tell him. Tell him who killed your wife. Tell him how the club killed Oksana.”
“The club didn’t kill my wife,” Pipe growls.
“You killed her, motherfucker. You made me believe I was to blame but it was you. You’re the one who took her life,” Blackie shouts, his voice echoing off the bare walls. “Now it’s time for you to pay,” he says hoarsely as he drops his gun to the floor and cracks his knuckles.
It becomes clear to me this isn’t my rodeo.
This is Blackie’s show and the rest of us are just here to take Pipe back to his woman.
Before I can question what he wants me to do, Riggs comes up behind Brantley. Squeezing his throat with one hand, he knocks the gun out of Brantley’s hand.
“You ready to meet Satan, pencil dick?” Riggs sneers, as he drags him away from Pipe. Without hesitation, Wolf and I hurry to Pipe’s side.
“Layla,” he rasps.
“She’s waiting for you,” I assure him, lifting my eyes to his. “The kids too.”
“Not for long,” Brantley cries as Riggs throws him to the floor.
“Did I give you permission to talk?” he bellows, bringing the sole of his boot down on his throat. Brantley’s arms flail at his sides as he gasps for air.
“Before you kill him get the key to these cuffs,” I order.
Frowning, Riggs lifts his boot from the pig’s throat.
“Fork ʼem over, Brantley.”
“I’m a detective,” he gasps.
“You’re a detective who has the whole NYPD gunning for him,” Riggs corrects. “Give me the fucking keys to the cuffs.”
“Fuck this,” I mutter, rising to my feet. Using the steel tip of my boot, I roll Brantley onto his side and frisk him for the keys.
“Should I read him his rights, Blackie?” Riggs asks as I pull the keyring from his back pocket. As I make my way back to Pipe, I glance over at Blackie. The syringe in his hand catches my eye and I toss the keys to Wolf.
“What’re you doing?” I ask him.
“Take him into the bathroom, Riggs,” Blackie orders calmly, ignoring me.
“Blackie,” I grind out. “Where’d you get the drugs?”
“Let me do this my way, Jack.”
It’s not a request.
It’s not a plea.
It’s an order.
Looking back at Wolf, I watch him free Pipe from the radiator. The man shouts in pain and Wolf meets my gaze.
“We need a cage.”
“Call Cobra, tell him to bring Celeste with him too. We can’t bring him home to his woman looking like that.”
“You got this?” he asks me.
Turning my attention back to Blackie, I watch as he rolls up his sleeves and follows Riggs into the bathroom with Brantley.
“Yeah,” I assure Wolf.
“They’ll all die like Christine,” Brantley screams as I make my way to the bathroom. Leaning against the door jamb I watch the men I trained do their thing. They hymn plays over and over inside my head.
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
“No they won’t because you won’t be there to shove a needle into their neck,” Blackie corrects him. “You’re done, Brantley. The game is over.”
I watch the fear shine through the madness reflected in his eyes as Blackie places the needle on the bathroom vanity.
“Turn on the faucet in the bath,” Blackie orders Riggs as he crouches down in front of Brantley. “Do you remember how it played out?”
Watching him unravel, a vision starts to play out before me.
This isn’t just Brantley’s death I’m witnessing; this is also a glimpse into the future. This is what will happen when I lose my battle with my maker. When the crazy wins and I find the courage to end it.
“First you drugged her,” Blackie says as he rears his arm back and brings the point of the needle down to his jugular. “You poisoned her with enough narcotics to take down a person three times her size.”
“Am I filling this thing?” Riggs asks from behind him.
“No,” he says simply as he grabs a fistful of Brantley’s hair. “Do you know what happens next?” he whispers.
Keeping my eyes glued to Brantley’s, I watch as they start to dull. The drugs start to flow through his bloodstream, paralyzing him and keeping him at the mercy of Blackie. Riggs turns off the water and we both watch as Blackie lifts the toilet seat. Grabbing the back of Brantley’s head he slams his face under the brown water.
“You knew her respiratory system would start to shut down and you shoved her head under water,” Blackie says.
Physically unable to fight for his life, Brantley ingests the dirty water and his arms start to fall limp at his sides. Adding to the torture, Blackie lifts his head from the toilet and we listen to him gasp before he shoves his head back under the water.
“We don’t kill the people we love. We don’t mean to hurt them. We swear to protect and continue to serve long after they’re gone,” Blackie growls.
After another moment, Blackie lifts his head once more. There is no breath, no fight and I think it’s safe to say he’s gone, but Blackie isn’t finished with him. He turns to me and asks for my help. I shake my head and point to Riggs.
I need to watch them see this through to the end.
I need to know what happens.
Together, Riggs and Blackie strip Brantley down to his birthday suit.
“He really does have a pencil dick,” Riggs comments as Blackie drags him across the tiles. Lifting him over his shoulder, he dumps him into the bathtub.
“That’s for my wife,” he rasps.
He bends down and turns the water back on, recreating the scene in which he found his wife and turns back to me.
“Now what?” Riggs asks.
“We go home,” Blackie says simply. “Where we’re all property of Parrish,” he says, meeting my gaze.
Tried and tested a million times, we’re a resilient bunch of sinners that prevail every fucking time. Sinners who will all be fine when I’m gone.
Property of Parrish will live long after I’m gone.