The process of narrowing down a sperm donor is both difficult and weird. But thanks to Ellen we laugh a lot. She created voices for each of the guys and read me the profiles as if they were auditioning. It’s just what I needed, given the last week. It took hours and more than one bottle of wine—definitely a final hurrah—but we eventually got it narrowed down to five.

I have some time so I’m letting my brain settle. I’m going to look at those five again on Monday and see if one of them stands out to me. But right now, it’s time for a party. It’s Friday and I’m driving out to Long Island for Celia’s surprise party. I actually think it’s going to be a surprise, too. She hasn’t given me any indication that she knows the party is for her. The last few days haven’t been easy. Every time I miss another meeting with Christian, he reaches out and asks me if I’m all right.

I’m not.

I’m hurt. Angry. Devastated. And I’m feeling everything more because there’s a part of me that is saying that I shouldn’t be feeling these things. That I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to see him again. But that doesn’t heal the hurt, or change the fact that every time he texts and calls I want to go back. But I can’t.

When I pull up outside my parents’ house, everything looks suspiciously normal. Which is good. The inside of the house looks normal too, even though it’s empty. But the back yard…holy shit. My mother has out done herself. If I didn’t know that we were in the middle of Long Island I would say we were in a castle somewhere in Europe. There are decorative castle turrets and towers erected around the edges of the yard, with a moat—an actual goddamn moat—that you cross on a little bridge from the house. There are medieval banners hanging from the fake walls, and a long table in the middle of the yard that’s piled with food. It looks like a feast from a historical painting. Candles and torches are everywhere, and I imagine that the whole yard will glow with them after dark.

There are a few people here, but not many yet. It’s early. People are arriving in the next hour and then we get ready for Celia. My mother spots me and waves me over. “Wow, Mom,” I say as she pulls me into a hug. “You really went for it.”

“You think it’s good?” I can tell that she’s really asking.

“Yes!” I shake my head, unable to stop looking around. “I can’t believe you put this together in two weeks.”

She blushes lightly. “It was fun. The banners are her school colors and a stylized version of their mascot.”

“This is insane,” I say.

“Good. We could all use a little insanity from time to time.”

I laugh, but it’s not real. I, for one, could stand to have a lot less insanity in my life right now. “Do you need help with anything?”

“Come with me.” She leads me to a picnic table that’s tucked out of site behind a corner of the house, and hands me a piece of paper. “These are supposed to be neat.” The paper holds instructions for folding napkins into a striking bird. “But I don’t think I’ll be able to finish them all in time.”

“Sure,” I say. I’m good at napkin folding. Over the years my mother has thrown countless parties, and uniquely shaped napkins have always been a staple. I sit and read over the instructions before attempting the first one. My mom hovers by the table for a second. “Are you all right?”

I look up, and she’s staring at me with unusual intensity. “Yeah, Mom. I’m fine.”

“Okay. I’ll be back to help in a few minutes.” She disappears back around the corner, and I sigh. I’m not fine, but she also wouldn’t be okay with that if she knew why. It’s okay. I’ll get through it eventually. I did it last time and I can do it this time. I concentrate on folding the napkins. The design is pretty, and luckily not that hard to complete. I have a decent stack of them by the time she comes back. “You’re making progress!”

“Yeah,” I say. “This isn’t the most complicated design you’ve made me do.” I make an amused face so she knows that I’m kidding.

She sits down across from me. “Are you sure you’re okay, Audrey? You seem down.”

“Don’t worry about it, Mom. Today’s not about that.”

“Is it the clinic? Because it can take time.”

I feel like I’m being hit in the chest. “I—”

“If one sperm donor isn’t working, make them give you another one. Those places have gallons of genius level sperm waiting to be used. Don’t worry,” she says with a smile, “you’ll have a baby soon.”

Someone calls her name from around the corner, and she curses under her breath, running off to solve whatever party crisis just happened. I take a deep breath. She doesn’t know that she’s being insensitive. It’s okay. I duck my head and force my feelings down and away. I seal them in an iron box so hidden that they won’t come out during the party. I can do that for one night. I fold as many napkins as I can, and when my fingers are tired, I go back out and mingle a little with the guests. Some are my parents’ friends, some are people I knew from high school, and some are Celia’s old friends.

I grab some snacks from the giant banquet table and wander around the edge of the yard by the moat. My mother might not be good at judging my emotional state, but she could put most professional party planners to shame. “Audrey!” my mother calls, and I head back toward the house. She grabs my hand. “It’s time!”

“She’s here?”

“Yes!”

The crowd gathers in front of the little bridge from the house, and we all get quiet.

“Hello?” Celia’s voice echoes from the house.

My mother calls back, “Out here, sweetie!”

Celia appears in the doorway, and her eyes go wide with shock when she sees us, just as we all shout “SURPRISE!”

She comes across the bridge, looking around in shock, and everyone’s cheering. I get a little teary, because this is amazing. My sister is great, and even though we’re just now getting closer, I realize that this is a big deal for her. She was the problem child, and was never celebrated like this before. No wonder she had no idea it was going to be a surprise because she would never expect it. My mother gives her a hug, and over her shoulder Celia looks at me, and I see her utter shock.

I try to give her a smile through the tears I can’t seem to stop. She hugs my father and then she finds her way to me. She hugs me tight. “This is crazy,” she says in my ear. “You knew about this?”

“Yeah,” I laugh. “It’s great. And you deserve it.”

She laughs too. “I don’t know about that, but I’ll take it.” Pulling back, she takes me in and I must be a mess. “Are you okay?”

“No,” I manage to say. “But there’s time for us to talk about that. Enjoy your party.”

“You sure?” she asks, and my chest aches with the genuine concern that she’s showing.

I nod. “Yeah. We’ll have lunch soon.”

“Okay.” She hugs me again before going to a cluster of her friends and pouncing on them for hugs.

Slipping away, I duck into the house. I need a minute. The bathroom that I used to share with Celia is empty, and I lock myself inside so I can let the tears fall. I don’t know why this is happening now. I’m so emotional that I could almost think I’m pregnant, but I’m not. The blood test came back, and Dr. Lang confirmed that there’s no baby. But it doesn’t seem to matter.

I don’t have a baby, and I can’t get Christian out of my head, and every time my mother talks the way she does, like getting pregnant is simple and easy it just…hurts. Sitting on the floor of the bathroom, I let the pain wash over me. Sometimes the only thing you can do is to feel it, and get it out of the way. Tissues are good too, and I keep my dress from being too smudged with my tears.

It’s good I was able to wait till now, at least with the party in full swing I won’t be missed. No one will come looking for me.

Hopefully.

My phone buzzes in my bag, and I look to see who it is. It’s Christian calling. Again. I can’t take it anymore—I answer it. “Christian, I need you to stop, please. It’s hard enough without all of this. You’ve made yourself clear, and I’m not strong enough to let you get me pregnant and nothing else.” My voice breaks and I hate myself for it. “So please, just stop.”

I hear him try to say something before I hang up, but it’s already done. It only makes me cry harder. I let it happen.

Finally, whatever crack opened up inside my chest and let out all this emotion seems to have bled out for now. I can breathe again, and I start the process of drying myself out, fixing my make-up so that I won’t be interrogated by Celia or Mom or any other well-meaning party guests. That’s only going to make me have to come back to this stupid bathroom.

Thank God for waterproof mascara.

Ellen is at the party when I come out of the house, and she doesn’t have to give me a second look. She just gives me a hug and leads me over to the dessert table. I laugh, but I don’t refuse the honey-drenched dough she shoves in my face.

“Want to talk about it?” she asks.

“Not really. Not right now.”

“Fair enough.”

I love that she knows not to push. We’ve known each other long enough that we both know when something’s not going to happen. I sigh, this really is delicious. I shouldn’t be eating my feelings, but fuck it. I grab another one of the treats.

There’s a commotion near the house, and Ellen and I turn to look. There are some raised voices, including my mothers. Suddenly I hear a shout. “Audrey!”

It’s not my mother’s voice, it’s Christian’s. He pushes his way through the crowd and is coming straight for me. I feel frozen to the spot, and I’m not sure what to do. How did he get here? How did he even know I was here? I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Suddenly, Ellen pats me on the arm. “Audrey, I think you should hear him out.”

I whirl to face her. “This was you?”

She nod., “Yeah, and you have every right to be pissed at me. I’m ready to take that from you. But you should hear him out.”

There’s not time to respond to her because suddenly Christian is in front of me. “Where the hell have you been?” he asks. “You don’t answer my calls or texts for days and then you do just to tell me to fuck off?”

His voice is louder than I want it to be. “Fine,” I say in Ellen’s direction, then to Christian. “I’ll give you five minutes but we’re not going to do this in front of everyone. So follow me.” I lead him deeper into the backyard away from the other guests. “What do you want?” I ask when we get there. I know we’re being watched, but at least we’re not being listened to.

“An explanation. You disappeared.”

I laugh. “I disappeared? Me? You’re the one who left the apartment. Left me sitting there in tears because you won’t answer questions that I have a right to know the answer to. Do you get that, Christian? I’ve never had closure from you. I tell you I want a family, you freak out and go get wasted. Then I make the idiot decision to let you back into my life and you won’t even give me a reason for why you did it. If this is fine with you, and what you want our relationship to be, I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough. So right here, right now, you give me some answers. Or get the hell out.” I’m breathing hard when I finish, but the fresh anger has given me strength, and I finally feel empowered. Those have words have been lodged inside me for a long time and it’s such a relief that they’re out. But there’s more. “I don’t need you to get me pregnant. I’m with a clinic now. You don’t deserve to be the father of my child.”

“Oh, then why did let me fuck you in the first place?”

I go pink, hoping no one heard him say that. “Because I hoped you would be. But it’s not enough. If you can’t give me the one thing I need, then you can’t be a part of my life, let alone the father of a baby that you would never want to see.”

Christian just looks at me, and I shake my head. “Silence isn’t good enough anymore,” I say, turning to walk away.

He catches my wrist before I can leave. “Not silence,” he says, “just trying to figure out the right words.”

“Any words will do, Christian. Start talking.”

I can see his jaw clench, like he’s gritting his teeth. “You think you have it all figured out,” he says, “but you don’t. You have no idea what I went through when we broke up. I was devastated. I honestly wasn’t sure if I would ever recover.”

I go still. “Then why didn’t you try to talk to me? Tell me something? Anything?” After I left I heard nothing from Christian until the day I walked into that apartment and found out my mystery man was him.

“I tried!” he explodes. “I came here. I called. I did everything I could, and I was told every time that you didn’t want to talk to me. That you didn’t want to see me ever again.” I glance toward the rest of the party and my mother, and realize what happened. “So after a while I gave up. I tried to move on. Audrey, I’m sorry for what I did. It was a stupid reaction. That night, I had been laid off. I had lost my job and I didn’t know how to tell you. And then there you were, perfect and telling me that you wanted a family with me. I never wanted anything so badly, but I was terrified. I didn’t even know how I was going to be able to pay the rent, let alone afford a baby or a wedding or a ring.”

His hand slips from my wrist to my hand, taking it gently. “I’m not excusing myself. It was the dumbest thing I’ve done in my life. All I could think in that moment was that I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breathe. I needed to not be there, torn between my dream and my worst fear. And after you left and I couldn’t talk to you, I thought it would never happen. I never thought I’d have anything even close to a second chance with you.”

I feel like I can’t breathe. This doesn’t seem real. It can’t be, can it? “You were on Heartility, and you joked about the free sex. How can I think that you actually missed me if you were on there?”

He winces. “Yeah, I was only on there because of you.”

“How did you know?”

He scratches the back of his neck, a gesture that is purely his and totally endearing. I hate that I find it endearing. “I checked up on you on social media every once in a while. I couldn’t help it. And once, when I did, you’d been commenting on articles about single motherhood, and I wondered if you’d try. It was a whim because I thought if I ever saw you on there it would be a goddamn miracle. I never wanted to get anyone else pregnant. But I thought if I found you, if I could help you with that one thing that you wanted, that maybe it would make up for some of the hurt I caused you.”

Damn it. I’m getting teary again, and I look down at the ground. “And last Friday? You left again.”

“You had made it clear that you didn’t want me,” he says. “That the only thing you wanted was a baby. That it should be detached. I didn’t think you’d want to keep going if I told you the truth, and I couldn’t bear the thought of you with anyone else.”

I look up at him, and I’m fully crying now. “I am so, so mad at you, Christian. You could have just talked to me.”

He steps forward, and touches my face, wiping away my tears with his thumb. “I know. I’m sorry. Please believe me when I say it won’t happen again.”

“You need to go now,” my mother’s voice carries across the yard as she approaches. “I don’t want you in my home. You’re scum for what you did to Audrey, and we don’t want you here. You have no right to barge in here without warning and interrupt her life again. She wants nothing to do with you.”

“Mom, stop,” I say, stepping in between her and Christian. “I have something to do with him being here. Christian has been helping me try to get pregnant. I haven’t been with a clinic. Not until recently. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I was afraid that you would react this way.”

Christian puts his hand on my waist, ever so gently pulling be back against his body. I’m still furious, and we’re not done, but I appreciate the comfort.

“You let him—after everything?” My mother looks like she’s going to explode.

“I’ll explain everything,” I say. “I promise. Just give me a couple more minutes.”

She doesn’t go all the way back to the party, standing a little ways away watching us like a hawk.

I turn back to Christian. “I’m angry,” I say, “and hurt. For years I thought that you threw us away. That you didn’t want me or a family with me so you just let me go. If I had known what was happening, all this would have been different. I—” I take a breath. “I was scared too. I wanted a baby, but I needed you to want one too. To make sure I wasn’t crazy, and I never had that.” I can’t say anything else because Christian is kissing me. Hard and deep and desperate, and I lose my breath.

“Audrey,” he whispers against my lips. “I want a baby with you. I want as many babies with you as you want to have. I want you in my bed and in my home. I want you in every way there is to want someone.”

I can’t stop crying now. “Are you sure?”

He laughs, kissing me again. “I’m absolutely sure. I love you. I’ve never stopped loving you, and I’m sure as hell not going to lose you again.”

I let him kiss me, and somewhere I hear cheering. Without noticing the people at the party snuck closer to hear, and they heard his declaration. There’s happy cheering and clapping, and I turn bright with embarrassment, hiding my face in Christian’s shirt.

Celia comes up and gives us some glasses of champagne. “Congrats.” She’s smiling.

“I’m sorry we interrupted your party,” I say.

“Are you kidding?” she laughs. “That was awesome.”

Christian’s arm is around my waist, the way his fingers are gripping me makes me think he’s not going to stop for a long time. “I’m still mad at you,” I tell him softly.

“I know,” he says. “Though I’m thinking of some very creative ways to make it up to you.”

“In the bedroom?”

“Or kitchen, living room, the shower, wherever.”

My body prickles with heat and I fight down another blush. “Well try to wait until after the party.”

“I’ll try,” he says in my ear.

My mother is still glaring at the two of us and I bring Christian with me over to her. “I’m sorry I lied to you.”

She shrugs, making a face, like she’s brushing it off. But I can tell she’s still pissed. This isn’t a conversation that’s over. “I’ll still get a grandbaby, so it doesn’t matter.”

She disappears into the crowd, and Christian sighs. “How big is the basket of fruit I have to send her to make her like me?”

“Oh, that size doesn’t exist,” I say. “Besides, she and I have to have a conversation about her behavior. Both now and back when she blocked you from seeing me. She’s not exactly blameless here.”

“Fair.”

I take a sip of champagne. “I suppose that means that I should cancel my appointment with Dr. Lang next week.”

“Yes,” he says, turning me in his arms. “I’m in this for the long haul, and I’ll be damned if you have another man’s baby.” Kissing me, I almost drop the champagne because I forget where I am.

“We should probably get started on that,” I say.

That smirk is back, and even though we still have a lot of talking to do, there’s nothing I want more than to spend the night in his arms. “Want to get out of here?” he asks.

“Hell yes.”