LAUREN WAS MISERABLE. Absolutely, utterly miserable. And she was trying her best to be happy. She and her daughters were having their first breakfast in their brand-new house, in their brand-new life.
New life.
She had gone and messed that up. She had spent her very first night in her new house having sex with a man she couldn’t have.
A man she wouldn’t let herself have.
And the truth was she did love him.
She loved him like... She had never loved anyone like that, and that terrified her. It made her wonder what the hell her life even was.
Because if she thought of everything as choices and consequences, if she thought of Robert as a mistake... Did that mean that Calder had always been the one? But how is that even possible, when he had been too young all those years ago, and in that time Lauren had lived a whole life, and had her girls, and couldn’t regret a single moment of it?
Who was the mistake? What should she have changed? Was this the mistake?
She honestly didn’t know, and she didn’t know where to go from there.
“Mom?” Ava asked. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” she lied. “I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine.”
“I’m fine,” she insisted, while a piece of her heart broke off and tumbled down to her stomach.
“You look really upset.”
“It’s just... I’m thinking,” she said. “I’m just thinking about our life.”
“And it makes you sad?” Grace asked.
“No,” Lauren protested. “I’m happy. I’m happy that we’re here.”
“I’m happy we’re here,” Ava said. “At least, I think I will be.”
“What changed your mind?”
“Well, it was how you’ve been. In this house. What about Calder?”
Lauren blew out a harsh breath. “Why are you fixating on him?”
“You like him,” Ava said.
“It doesn’t matter if I like him,” Lauren said. “I don’t have time for that kind of thing. Not right now.”
“Why not?”
“Because,” she said.
“Because why?”
“Ava Marie,” Lauren said. “It’s not a discussion. I don’t have time to date the man. I’m not going to... Marry him. It’s ridiculous.”
“I didn’t say anything about marrying him.”
“Well... I’m not going to.”
“Did he ask you to marry him?” Ava asked. Grace was watching the exchange with an open mouth.
“He... It doesn’t matter. I can’t... How am I supposed to know that I’m making the right choice?”
“You always tell us to follow our heart,” Grace said.
Well, her heart had been stupid, and how did she tell her girls that? Her heart didn’t deserve...
Suddenly, it all hit her with more clarity than she cared for.
Her heart didn’t deserve to be happy again. It had wasted its one chance.
She had broken her parents’ hearts and run off with a man. She had been wrong about him. She had made her bed and lain in it determinedly. The consequence for her actions. She hadn’t let him go to be with a woman who would be happier with him. She hadn’t let herself go because she was so intent on punishing them both.
Because she couldn’t let go.
And she was doing the same thing now. Holding on while pretending to let go. A new surrounding wasn’t going to change her heart. She had to...
She had to let it go. Because as long as her heart was still staking its claim in the past, as long as it was still clinging to her mistakes, obsessing over right and wrong and what she deserved, she was never going to get anywhere.
And sitting there with her daughters staring at her asking her directly why she wouldn’t let herself be happy, there was just no good answer to give.
All that self-sacrifice, all that trying to make up for bad decisions... It didn’t make her better.
“Sometimes,” she said, tears making her voice thick, “I think grown-ups forget the simple things that we tell our kids. And sometimes I think those simple things are the truest things. You’re right, Grace. I would tell you to follow your heart. I’ve been scared of mine.”
“Why?” Grace asked.
A tear slid down Lauren’s cheek. “Because I think I love him. And because I’m afraid of getting hurt.”
“Chloe said that when you fall off a horse you have to get back on it again. Maybe Calder is like a horse,” Grace said.
Lauren slapped her hand over her mouth and tried not to laugh through her tears.
“Why is that funny?” Grace asked.
Ava looked slightly confused, but had that look on her face that said she suspected she understood why, even if the details were fuzzy, and was certain she didn’t want to know more.
“Never mind,” Lauren said. “You know, I’m supposed to be raising you and teaching you things. But, I think you teach me more every day.”
“You teach us a lot,” Ava said. “Even when I wish you wouldn’t.”
Lauren pulled her daughter in for a hug. “I think that’s the best compliment you can give me.”
“So, are you going to tell him that you love him?”
She released her hold on Ava, looking down at her pancakes. “I guess that would be the brave thing to do, wouldn’t it?”
“I think so,” her daughter said, her tone grave.
“You’re really okay with it?” Lauren asked.
“It will be different,” Ava said. “Maybe weird. But... This is already really different. So, maybe it’s the best time.”
Lauren laughed. “I guess I can’t argue with the logic. Since I don’t have any of my own.”
“Then, I guess you need to go tell him.”
“Can I finish my pancakes first?”
“That sounds reasonable,” Ava said.