LAUREN TEXTED HIM the next day with the good news.
The house had passed inspection, and they had a close date. Furthermore, with the agreement she had with the previous owner, she would be able to move in before the official close date as long as she acknowledged the risks of not being covered by insurance during that time.
Calder didn’t waste any time heading over there to wrap up any last-minute issues.
He felt... So damned accomplished. That he had actually fixed something.
He had always wanted to. To be of help. But it seemed like when he was a kid he had never done quite enough right. He’d never been enough.
But now... With this... He had been.
It was when it mattered, too. Because it was Lauren.
He helped her move all of her things out of storage for most of the day, and the house was nearly full by evening.
It would take days to get everything organized and put away. But for now, everything looked good.
“The girls can come over,” she said.
He had just set up a big bed in her room, and he had other plans.
“Want to have the girls come over tomorrow morning?”
“Tomorrow morning?” she asked.
“I want to spend the night,” he said.
He could see the fear flash through her eyes. The hesitance. He was willing to push it. He was willing to push it because this mattered. Because it was important.
“I don’t know...”
“I’ve had you against a wall, on the floor and in a shower. I’d like you to see what I can do in a bed with nothing but time, babe. That’s what I want.”
She looked like she was going to protest again, but he brought his lips down on hers, kissing her deep and hard. He felt a rush. Like he was home. Like she might be home.
It was a strange thought, because he had lived in Gold Valley all of his life. If any one place was home, it was here. If any man had ever been home from the day he was born, it was Calder Reid.
But he had found something else with her. An escape and a refuge all at the same time. He didn’t know how to explain it, not in the least. But he didn’t really care to either. All that mattered was this. All that mattered was her. She kissed him back, tentative at first, and then growing bolder.
“I love you,” he said. She froze, completely.
He hadn’t even known he was going to say it until that moment. But then, the words just kind of slipped out of his mouth, and at that point, he had known they were true. So there was no reason to fight it. No reason at all.
“You don’t... You can’t,” she said.
“What part about wanting to be all in was ambiguous to you when I said that’s what I wanted the other day?”
“It wasn’t,” she said. “But... But that doesn’t mean...”
“Baby, it sure as hell does. I love you. I more than love you. I fucking need you.”
“You need me? I’ve basically been one big... It’s been some kind of strange role reversal. I’ve basically been your babysitting project for the past few weeks.”
“No. I’ve been helping take care of you, because you needed me to. And I suspect that if I needed you to, you would take care of me.”
She shook her head. “No,” she said. “I wouldn’t. Because I’m already taking care of enough people.”
“Then just let me take care of you.”
“No,” she said. “That doesn’t work either. I’ve been in one-sided relationships, Calder. They don’t work. They don’t work because they’re not sustainable. Because somebody always ends up resenting someone else. And I just don’t... You’re going to end up resenting me.”
“You’re treating me like I’m an idiot,” he bit out.
“I’m not. I ended up in a relationship with somebody that I resented. Because he couldn’t give me what I needed. And we were miserable.”
“You were miserable because he was an ass. You are not an ass.”
“Calder...”
“Let me show you,” he said. “Let me show you how good it can be.”
He dipped his head to kiss her again, and this time she turned her face away.
“You don’t want me to give to you. Because you don’t want a one-sided relationship?” he pressed.
“Yes,” she insisted.
“You’re a liar,” he said, anger pouring through him now. Because wasn’t this just like his life had always been? “This has nothing to do with that. It has nothing to do with me. It’s all about you, Lauren. I know that for sure and certain. This is about you. What is it, honey? Let me tell you, my father lived his whole life trying to fill a void. He used marriages, he used all kinds of shit, piling it all up in front of him. But he had sons who would have loved him just like he was. If he would have let us. I would have fixed it if he would’ve let me. If you would let me, I would fix it.”
“You can’t,” she said. “You can’t because...”
Something turned over inside him, realization dawning on him like the sun over the mountains. “Because you think you don’t deserve it.”
“No,” she said. “Don’t turn this into you trying to fix my deep wound.”
“I can’t fix it,” he said. “Until the day you decide that you deserve to have it fixed, I can’t.” He huffed out a breath. “I can’t. You know what? You just made me realize that. I’ve spent my whole life wishing that I could fix this kind of thing for someone I care about. But I can’t.” He shook his head. “My father spent his whole life punishing himself because my mother left him. It wasn’t until he married Chloe’s mother that he got his shit even a little bit together. Until then, it was just... All these destructive relationships. He wouldn’t let himself be happy. And it wasn’t any better for us. He was bitter, and he was alone. And there was nothing any of us could do but watch him self-destruct over and over again. That’s not what your girls want for you.”
“Don’t you dare,” she said. “Don’t you dare make this about me and my daughters.”
“Why not? You are.”
“Because my life is about my daughters,” she said.
“And they’d be against you moving on from their father?”
She shook her head. “That has nothing to do with anything.”
“I think it does. I think you’re desperate for excuses so that you don’t have to look down inside yourself and figure out what the hell the real problem is. But let me do you a favor. Right now, I don’t want to please you,” he said, emotion roaring up inside him.
“Right now, I want to please myself. You want me to be selfish. Then dammit, I’m going to take what I want, Lauren.”
He hauled her up against his body, her soft curves crushed up against him. “I’ve been all about giving to you, because that’s what you needed. And you know what? Something in me needed that, too. I wanted to take care of you, because I have been so desperate to fix things. But you’re right. My life can’t be all about that. So I want you to give something to me.”
She was shaking, but he knew it wasn’t from fear. She looked up at him, her lips parting slowly. Then, she placed her fingertips against his mouth. He parted his lips, sucking her fingertip in deep. He kept eye contact with her the whole time, his heart pounding out of control. A beast roaring through him.
He had always wondered what love would feel like. And now he knew. It was nothing like what he had imagined. It wasn’t sweet. It wasn’t quiet, or careful. It was desperate. And right now, it was brutal.
Ugly, and a little bit selfish.
But he wanted it. And she was right. He couldn’t just care about her and expect nothing in return. He wanted. He needed.
He needed her to love him. With the same ferocity that he loved her. He needed her to care. He needed her to understand.
That this wasn’t about anything she had ever experienced before. Whatever shit her husband had pulled with her... He wasn’t the same man. But he was a man. Not a boy for her to protect. Whether she was protecting herself or himself, he wasn’t entirely sure. But he was done with it. He swept her up into his arms, carried her back to the bedroom. She clung to him, her fingers wrapped tightly around his shirt.
She didn’t protest.
He half expected her to.
After all, she had been in the middle of telling him all the reasons she couldn’t love him. All the reasons they couldn’t be. But apparently, she could still stand for him to fuck her.
That only made him angrier. Because he had given her something of himself. Not just his body. But something deep and real, and he had never done that with a woman before. She didn’t want it. That was fine. He was just going to take now.
He threw her down onto the bed and she reclined there, her knees bent slightly, her elbows resting on the mattress, her gaze unreadable. She stared at him, and he didn’t move. Not until she gave him a sign. Not until...
Her tongue darted out, slicked over her lips.
He wrenched his shirt over his head and began to work his belt through the loops. She stared at him, her gaze rapt. Sure. Because she could take his dick, but not his love. Or, his abs. She seemed particularly fixated on those.
He moved onto the bed, and he stripped her bare. So pretty and perfect. She sat up, pressing her palms against his bare stomach, parting the fabric of his jeans and drawing his cock out. She looked up at him as she slid her hand over his length, her eyes meeting his. There was no fight there, not now.
“Do it,” he said. “That’s what I want.”
She lowered her head, obeying, taking him into the wet heat of her mouth. The delicious suction was almost too much for him to bear. She was so hot, and it was so good. Every damn fantasy he’d ever had rolled up into one. He didn’t know if he could withstand it. Didn’t think he wanted to. She was just so damn hot. So damn perfect.
And she didn’t love him.
He growled, bucking his hips, gripping her hair and forcing her to take him deeper. And she did.
He’d tried to be nice. He was past that point. He’d given her everything. And he hadn’t wanted it to be a transaction. He had wanted...
Suddenly, he couldn’t think anymore, and he didn’t want to. Because it was just the two of them. Her mouth on his body. She took him to the edge, and when he was about to come, he pulled out, not ready for it to end like that.
“Get on your knees,” he said.
“I already...”
“Turn around and get on your knees.”
She looked up at him, something a little bit like awe in those eyes as she stared at him. As if she were seeing him, really seeing him for the first time.
She obeyed, turning her delicious ass toward him, her face toward the headboard.
He shucked his jeans the rest of the way, taking care to grab a condom before he ditched them completely, and then he stroked himself twice before pressing himself against her damp, ready entrance.
He gripped her hips, pushing inside her, that tight, wet heat threatening to overwhelm him as he went so deep he could barely breathe.
Could barely see straight.
If this was the last thing he ever did, he would be happy enough. He could die a damned happy man inside Lauren Bishop.
Except she didn’t love him.
And that would burn. In his last moments, whether they were in sixty years or six minutes, that would burn.
He suspected it always would.
He didn’t think about that. Not now. Instead, he lost himself. In the small sounds of encouragement she made. In the way that she moaned and arched against him. The way that she cried out when he pressed his hand between her legs and rubbed her clit hard, the way that she pressed her ass into him as he thrust deep.
He had never expected a declaration of love to come with such an animalistic physical expression. But that was because love didn’t feel like he thought it would.
This was dangerous. It wasn’t hearts and flowers, it was knives and bombs, and it had the power to destroy him.
It made him want to destroy her right back. Destroy them both.
Made him question what his motives were all along, and if he could trust himself, let alone if she could trust him.
He was turned around and tangled up. Inside out. Because of her. Only ever because of her.
When she came, it was sudden and welcome, because he didn’t have the strength to hold on much longer. And when he cried out his own pleasure, that “I love you” was on his lips again. But this time, it sounded less like a promise and more like a curse. It satisfied something inside him. Something angry and needy and demanding. Something that was for him and not for her.
So he repeated it.
Over and over again until it was the only sound in the room. Those words, over and over again. Until they broke. Until his climax overtook him, and there weren’t words anymore. Just a growl. One that came from deep inside him and seemed to say the exact same thing.
When it was over, she collapsed onto her stomach, rolling away from him, looking the opposite direction. And he...
He started to collect his clothes.
Because he didn’t know what else to do. Because there was nothing else to do.
“Are you... Are you leaving?”
“I said that I loved you,” he said. “You said...”
“You also said you were going to stay the night.”
He shook his head, finding his jeans and pulling them on. “I can’t.”
“But you said...”
“Yes I did. And you said a lot of shit, too. You said that you couldn’t be with me and just take. Well, I took something. And now I’m leaving. Lauren Bishop, I think I’ve loved you my whole life. It’s stupid, because there’s no way I could have any idea what love was when I was twelve years old. And obviously it wasn’t this. But I’m offering myself to you. And I was never enough for my dad. He died never knowing that I felt like we didn’t even know each other. Never knowing that all I wanted was more of a relationship with him. I’m not going to do that again. I love you. And I want more. I want everything. I want to fix your floorboards and go to sleep with you at night. I want to be your husband. I want to be a father to your girls. I want every damned thing, and I hope it scares you. Because it sure as hell scares me.”
It was like his chest was being torn in two. It was torture. And she was just lying there. “There is nothing nice about feeling all of this. About feeling it deep in my soul and knowing that you don’t feel it back. Nothing nice about it at all, babe. So you’re right. It can’t be half. And I won’t take half. I thought to myself... I thought maybe I would be happy to just let myself be the fixer. But I can’t be. Not now. Not anymore. So if you don’t want everything, you don’t get anything.”
“You said you weren’t doing all of this for anything. You said...”
“That was before I loved you. That was before I needed...” He shook his head. “I can’t go only halfway. Not with you. I’ve half-assed a lot of things in my life, but I will be damned if you’re one of them. Be my wife. Love me. Or let me go.”
She curled in on herself, a look of desolation on her face, and for one moment he felt guilty. But he wasn’t going to give. Not on this.
“I can’t.”
He nodded once. “I’m really happy that you got your house. And if you ever need anything... Well, you can call Tanner. He’ll help out.”
“You won’t?”
“Until you know that you deserve it, until you can accept all this and not have me handing it to you, telling you to take it, we’re never going to make it anywhere. And there’s no point.”
Then he turned and walked out, leaving a piece of himself behind.