Chapter Twenty-Three
The ride back to the hotel had been virtually silent. Ryder looked out the window at the Chicago skyline, took a sip of his scotch, poured from a tiny bottle out of the mini-fridge, and mentally prepared himself to have his first fight with Sophie.
Because it was coming.
It hung in the air, thick and dark and dangerous.
She’d kicked off her shoes and sat on the edge of the bed, looking unsure and remote. Expressions he wasn’t used to seeing on her face.
If he was honest, he didn’t want to start, even though he knew deep in his bones they couldn’t avoid the discussion any longer. Only, he didn’t know where to go from here.
This hadn’t been what he’d anticipated.
He’d planned on being in her by now. Not sitting here in silence, without a clue what to say.
They’d carefully avoided any and all thoughts of their future, but now it had caught up with them and refused to be denied.
Sitting there in that room, he came face-to-face with the truth. For the first time in his life, he was in love, and it was a goddamn mess.
He’d be more hopeful, more sure something would work out, if only it hadn’t been for the look on her face. The resignation that crossed her features and told him she wasn’t even considering a future with him as an option.
He had no experience with heartbreak. But from what he could tell, he didn’t want any part of it.
She shifted on the bed and cleared her throat. “Even if something does happen, I won’t leave before the festival.”
His attention snapped toward her, and his expression must have been as fierce as he felt, because she shrank back a little. In a harsh voice he asked, “Do you think I’m upset about the damn festival?”
Her hands clenched, twisting in her lap, a gesture so unlike her he could only guess how uneasy she must be. “No, I was just trying to say . . .” Another tug at a ring she wore on her middle finger. “Well, that if I get that job, I won’t leave right away.”
He blinked at her, and the irony sank in a little deeper. He scoffed, his laughter harsh and bitter.
“What?” She made a helpless gesture. “It might not even happen. Yes, it’s possible, maybe even probable, but you never know with these companies. Things change all the time at a drop of a hat. So let’s worry about it then.”
More than anything, he wanted to agree. He could see it all play out. He’d nod, she’d stand up, strip out of her dress. He’d see her in her fancy, slutty underwear, she’d walk over to him, and he’d pull her down on his lap, sink into her mouth, and forget all about tonight.
They’d go on their adventure tomorrow, spend time with her friends, and go back to Revival. Once they returned home, they’d spend all their time together and continue to ignore the elephant in the room.
It was what she wanted.
It was what he wanted too.
But he couldn’t open his mouth and speak the words that would make it happen.
Instead he said nothing, just drank his scotch and looked out the window.
“Ryder?” Her tone was tinged with a bit of desperation. “I didn’t know, but it’s premature to get worried about it now.”
He turned to face her and couldn’t stop the truth from coming to his lips. “I saw your face when he told you about the job.”
Her brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”
That this was the first thing to pop out of his mouth helped him pinpoint exactly what upset him. Helped him acknowledge that the hope he’d been harboring had just been just that.
Hope. Foolish wishful thinking, really. Nothing more, nothing less.
For Sophie, he was a pit stop on the way back to her regularly scheduled life.
For him, she was his life.
He forced the words from his throat. “I mean I saw your face. You were excited.”
She bit her bottom lip and shrugged. “It’s a fantastic opportunity. This is one of the best companies in Chicago. This will make my career. Bring me back to my life. Should I apologize for that?”
“No. You shouldn’t.” Because she shouldn’t. She should be thrilled and happy, and he didn’t want to ruin it for her. “I’m happy for you, Soph. You are brilliant and charismatic and a force to be reckoned with. You deserve the life and career you want, and François would be a fool not to give you that position. Congratulations.”
“Don’t congratulate me yet. It’s nothing definite.”
He blew out a breath. “That’s not really the point.”
Silence grew like a thorn bush directly between them, making him feel distant and removed from her.
Her brow creased. “What’s the point?”
“Do you want to talk about our future?”
Fear darkened her expression. Almost violently, she shook her head. “There’s nothing to talk about yet. Can’t you see that? Nothing has changed.”
But it had changed for him. He peered out the window. He was invested in her. He tightened his hand around his glass. “I’d like to at least discuss it. Talk about options.”
“No!” The word was sharp on her lips. “Let’s forget it and focus on having fun.”
He was in love with her and wanted to talk about a future, or at least the possibility of one, and she wanted to have fun. He’d been fooling himself. She didn’t see a future with him. That wasn’t even on her radar. It wasn’t even a consideration.
Now that he knew, he couldn’t un-know, and as much as he wanted to pretend this changed nothing for him, that wasn’t an option. So he forced the words from his tight throat. “We’re at an impasse, Sophie.”
Panic filled her face, and a flush broke out on her chest. She shook her head. “No, we’re not. Why are you doing this? We don’t even know what’s going to happen. Just forget about it until I tell you it’s serious. Okay?”
He leaned forward on his elbows and dug his thumbs into his eye sockets. “You don’t understand.”
“What don’t I understand? It’s the same situation as always since we started this.”
“And what’s that situation as you understand it?”
Her gaze skittered away. “We’re having a good time. We laugh and have great sex. We like each other. We knew it was stupid to get involved and decided to do it anyway. I don’t understand why a potential job offer needs to change anything. Why stop until we’re forced to?”
Shit. Had he misread the situation or what? He shrugged. “I’m sorry. Maybe it’s unfair. Hell, it probably is. But I don’t think I can be your fuck buddy anymore.”
“I didn’t say that.” She bounded off the bed and pointed an accusing finger at him. “Don’t twist my words. I never called you a fuck buddy.”
He gave her a level look. “You want me to give you a good time and orgasms until you take off back to your real life, isn’t that what you’re saying?”
She screamed, a short burst of sound. “Why do you have to make it sound like that?”
“How else can it sound? Explain how I’m wrong, Sophie.” His voice rose as the barely repressed anger beat at his ribs.
“What’s wrong with what we’re doing? Everything is great between us.”
“Yes, it’s great. You’re great.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry, but it’s not enough.”
It wasn’t, no matter how much he wanted it to be. No matter how much this conversation was killing him.
She jerked back as though he’d slapped her. “Not enough? I’m not enough for you?”
“Don’t you understand?”
She shook her head. “No, I don’t understand at all. You’ve always known I was leaving, Ryder. I’ve never pretended anything else. We’ve never had a future. If I get the job, it will take at least a month to go through all the interviews and make sure everything is good in Revival. So what’s the difference between one month and three? If anything, it’s better. You’re not being fair.”
The difference was he loved her, but that was his problem, not hers. He’d gone and changed the rules, not her. “You’re right. You’ve always been up front. You’re not to blame. This is on me. It’s my problem. I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this anymore.”
“Why?” Her voice, strained and helpless sounding, tugged inside him and made him ache.
He wanted to yell at her that he’d stupidly gone and fallen in love with her and convinced himself that was enough. His mother’s words that day at the sink came rushing back to him. She was right.
He’d believed it was easy. Believed love and hope and optimism were enough. But he’d been wrong.
And he refused to lay that at Sophie’s feet.
He shrugged, scrubbed a hand over his jaw, and told her not the why, but still the truth. “It’s too hard for me, Soph.”
Tears filled her big brown eyes, and she shook her head. “I don’t understand. How is being apart better than being together?”
“It just is. For me, it is. I’m sorry.” He clasped his hands and looked out over this fucking city.
For her, their relationship began and ended with her time in Revival. He was a diversion. He’d seen it in her eyes. The prospect of “them” wasn’t on her radar. He’d even pressed her to talk about it, to stay and figure it out, but that she wouldn’t gave him no other option.
“So now what?”
He glanced at the bed, rumpled from the time they’d spent in it that afternoon. All the things he’d done to her, driving them both to the very edge, before pulling back and starting all over again. He studied her in her white dress, trying to picture never touching her body again and finding he couldn’t. He couldn’t stand the thought of living without her, but he couldn’t ignore the truth anymore.
He loved her and she didn’t love him in return.
He dragged a hand through his hair. “If you give me fifteen minutes, I can get out of here.”
“But where will you go?” Her voice shook.
“Back to Revival.”
“How will you get there?”
“I’ll find a way.” They’d taken her car, but and even if they hadn’t, he wouldn’t leave her stranded there. He could probably rent a bike to get him home.
She chewed on her bottom lip. “I’ll go with you.”
“Sophie.”
She blinked bright eyes at him. “What?”
“Stay.”
“But—”
He shook his head. “I can’t be around you right now.”
“Oh.” She frowned. “Okay.” She pointed to the door and picked up a key card. “I’ll just go down to the bar until you . . .” She swallowed hard and he knew she fought back the urge to cry. “Leave.”
Then she turned on her heels and was gone.
He picked up his cell phone and pressed Charlie’s number.
He answered on the second ring. “What’s up? I thought you were in Chicago.”
“I am.”
“Then why are you calling me instead of in bed with the lovely Sophie?”
“Long story. I need a favor.”
“What’s that?”
“Help get me the fuck out of here.”
Silence ticked over the line. “That bad?”
“That bad.”
“Give me five. I’ll get you transport and hook you up with the details as soon as I have them.”
“Thanks.” He hung up.
So that was that. Now to figure out how to pick up the pieces and go on with his life.
Without her.
* * *
Sophie sat on the barstool shaking all over. She couldn’t believe this was happening. Ryder didn’t want to see her anymore because of a job that might not even happen?
It was so unfair.
She thought about calling Penelope, who’d come to her in a heartbeat, but couldn’t make the call. She couldn’t admit to her friend he’d abandoned her. Was this forever to be the story of her life?
It was a complete one-eighty, and no matter how she attempted to wrap her arms around it, nothing about his actions made any sense to her.
How could he leave her like this? Didn’t he understand how much she needed him?
It served her right. This was why she never depended on anyone. When it came down to it, there was something missing inside her that made it easy for people to detach from her.
Maybe she was just unlovable.
Her phone beeped and her heart surged at Ryder’s name on her screen. Silently praying he’d changed his mind, she scrambled for the cell. Her stomach dropped to her toes when she saw the words written across the screen. Two little words that changed everything.
I’m gone.
He’d left her. It was over.
She felt exactly how she’d expected to feel when it ended. Crushed. Defeated. Hopeless despair. The weight sitting on her chest, threatening to destroy her from the inside out, didn’t surprise her. She’d prepared for it.
But what she didn’t understand was why he’d chosen to have this soul-sucking heartbreak now instead of later, when they would be forced to be apart.
They could have weeks, months together—so why?
How could he not want to spend what time they had left together?
The bartender came over, an older woman in her fifties with a friendly, warm motherly smile. “What can I get you, doll face?”
Sophie took one look at the woman and burst into tears.
The woman didn’t even blink an eye. She just patted her hand and tsked. “Hang on, I know just the thing.”
Sophie picked up a napkin and attempted to sob discreetly until the bartender returned and put down a drink. “It’s a mint julep. My mama was Southern and said it was the only drink for heartbreak.”
Sophie hiccupped. “Thank you.”
“Boy troubles?”
Sophie nodded, sniffing. “Men suck.”
“Yep, they do. Want to tell me about it?” The hotel bar was nearly empty, and she winked at Sophie. “It will kill the time and make you feel better.”
Sophie wept for a good minute before she sobbed out, “I met this guy, and he doesn’t live here and I do, and I might have a job offer and he left me because of it.”
The bartender frowned. “You don’t want a man that doesn’t support your career.”
“I know, right?” Sophie wailed, bursting into fresh tears. “I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do.”
“Maybe you could try talking to him, telling him how important your job is.”
Sophie shook her head. “He told me he can’t do it anymore. That it’s been fun, but that he can’t be my”—she sobbed—“my . . . my . . . fuck buddy.”
“Hmm . . . that doesn’t sound right.” The older woman tilted her head. “In my experience, there’s only one reason a man would ever give up sex.”
“Why’s that?”
“Love, doll face. When they’re in love and they don’t know what to do with all their feelings.”
Sophie wanted so badly to believe that, but she knew it wasn’t true. She’d seen how love worked. She’d never experienced it herself, but she’d seen it with the Donovans all her life. When you loved someone, you stuck it out. You fought. Clawed your way out of the wreckage for it.
But Ryder had left and said he didn’t want anything to do with her.
She might not know for herself, but she knew how it was supposed to look. Bailing wasn’t it.
She shook her head. “Trust me, he doesn’t love me.”
Nobody did. That was just the way things were for her. She’d accepted that a long time ago when her parents got on a plane and didn’t look back.
Deep in her heart she’d thought Ryder was different.
Turned out, she was wrong.