AS SOON AS they entered the house, Bandit greeted them as though they’d been gone a year instead of a few hours. Brianna gave him a huge bone and his ball, which would hopefully keep him busy, and put him outside.
Then, without a word, she laced her fingers together with Seth’s and led him toward the back stairs.
“I’m not sure I’m up to this,” he said. “Not right now.”
“You don’t have to do a thing,” she said. “We both need something to hold on to right now. So, I’ll hold on to you, while you hold on to me.”
Except for that first time, when she’d embraced her inner Kylee and initiated the shower, Seth had always made the first move. Not that she’d minded. Because all his moves were excellent.
But this time she undressed him slowly, lifting his shirt over his head, then pressing soft, gentle kisses down his chest. As always, she felt that shock of awareness and sexual need when her lips brushed over his abdomen, but she forced herself to control it.
“Sit down,” she said, pushing him onto the bed.
Although the color was impractical, she’d gone with a romantic, all-white bed in shades of cream, ivory and a soft snowy shade. For now, she’d draped a light taupe throw over the handmade quilt she’d bought at Quilters Garden, but come winter, she was looking forward to the fluffy white faux-fur throw her mother had put a photo of on the room’s design board.
She knelt on the floor, unlacing, then removing, the black and white Converse All Star high-tops he was wearing today instead of his usual work boots.
She pressed another kiss against his bare ankle, pleased when he’d responded with a shudder. She’d discovered that surprising erogenous zone the second time they’d made love, and was even more pleased that he’d hadn’t even known he had it.
And wasn’t that the wonder of making love? Sharing and discovering new and special things about each other? It was hard to hide who you were when you were naked, open and, yes, vulnerable.
After kicking off her Keds, she climbed up on the bed, straddling his hips as she got busy on those five damn buttons that he insisted on wearing. Why couldn’t he wear jeans with a zipper? Then again, being forced to slow down was probably a good thing today. As she pressed a series of kisses along his shoulders, she could feel the rock-hard tightness start to relax.
After unfastening each metal button, she pressed her lips against the placket of his navy boxer briefs.
“Bri...” He dragged his hands through her hair, but did not pull her head away. Oh, she was getting to him. As she had in years and years of forbidden dreams. But the reality was so much better.
“Soon,” she promised, as he arched his hips off the bed. She was pretty sure that he wasn’t thinking about either his wife or his mother right now, which was precisely what she’d intended. “I’ll need you to scoot over so I can get these jeans off.”
“If I last that long.”
“This is for you,” she reminded him. “Just do whatever comes naturally. Whenever.”
“I want to be inside you when I come,” he said, shifting so his head was now on the pillow. Although he was tall, the king bed allowed him to stretch all the way out with room to spare.
“Lift up.”
When he arched his back and lifted his hips, it was all she could do not to just stop and take him in her mouth now. But this wasn’t about her. She wasn’t the one aching. Well, except in parts of her that would just have to wait.
She yanked the faded denim over his hips and down his legs, then stripped him of his briefs. Then leaned back on her heels and just drank in the sight of him so hard, so aroused. For her. The idea was thrilling. As she stripped herself, watching that wonderful dark smoke fill his eyes, she felt strong and invincible. Like Wonder Woman. And she wasn’t even wearing magic bracelets.
“You’re wearing too many clothes,” he complained.
“Once again we’re in perfect agreement.” It wasn’t the easiest thing to undress while kneeling on a mattress but she managed it with, she thought, a reasonable amount of sexiness. From the flame that flared in those smoky eyes, he’d definitely enjoyed her little impromptu striptease with her bra.
He finally lost his cool, giving in to the powerful needs within by ripping away the pretty little thong. “Sorry,” he muttered against her bare hip as she felt and heard the ribbon tie rip.
“I’m not.” She was about to straddle him again and regain the slow, dreaming and soothing pace. Then decided that there were many ways to soothe. If fast and hot was what he wanted, what he needed, Brianna was going to give it to him.
He rolled her over onto her back, put his hands on her inner thighs to spread her legs, then paused.
“You didn’t take the quilt off. We’re going to mess it up.”
She almost laughed, but loved him for even thinking of it at a time like this. How many men would actually listen to all her wavering over the impracticality of white beds, and the care of cleaning, but they were so romantic...
“That’s what washing machines are for.”
They’d discussed condoms the first time and since they’d both been tested during routine physicals and hadn’t had sex with anyone for such a long time, with her being on the pill, they’d decided not to bother. Although she’d always been a strong advocate for safe sex, she couldn’t deny that bare hot flesh to flesh, which she’d only ever had with him, was sublime.
Reaching up, she wrapped her arms around his neck and lifted her hips in invitation.
He took her with a power he’d never revealed. With a force that she definitely hadn’t expected. The storm sweeping over them was violent, but not dangerous. Trusting him as she did, it only fed an equally strong recklessness in her.
They rolled over the large mattress, hands grasping, teeth nipping and sucking, hips pumping fast and furious. He gripped her hips, lifting her up to feast on her, his tongue and teeth creating a hard, fast climax that lanced through her.
Then, grabbing her wrists in one hand, holding them over her head, he thrust into her, plunging hard and deep, taking her. Claiming her even as he relinquished demons who’d been tormenting him for far too long. But he wasn’t finished. Even as she fell back to earth from her second stunning orgasm, he was hard again, pumping in and out as her legs wrapped around his hips. Looking straight into those flaming dark eyes Brianna surrendered to the fury. And to him.
* * *
WHAT THE HELL had he done? After emptying himself in her again, leaving them both lying in a dampness that risked staining the precious antique quilt she’d been so excited about finding, drenched in sweat, Seth suffered a shame he’d never, ever felt. A feeling even worse than the survivor’s guilt that had stalked him since Zoe’s death.
He rolled off her, onto his back, and covered his eyes with his arm. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?” Her voice was shaky.
“I used you.”
The sex had been absolutely consensual. In fact, if he wanted to give himself a break, which he didn’t, Brianna had initiated it. But in his heart, Seth knew that he’d used her. To overcome the guilt he was feeling about his mother, but most of all to burn away the pain and even deeper guilt that had been tearing at his insides since the day those officers had informed him that because of him staying safe at home in Honeymoon Harbor, his young, vital, beautiful wife had been blown to pieces.
Without a word—what could he possibly say?—he got off the bed, went into the bathroom and cleaned up. Then took one of the pretty white towels (which had to be the most impractical color on the planet—who thought that stuff up, anyway?), dampened it and brought it back to her.
His heart wanted to wash her. Tenderly. With the care and love she deserved. Shame had him unable to look at her as he simply handed her the cloth and began collecting his clothes.
“I think it was mutual,” she said quietly. “And you’re not going to hear me complaining.”
“Because you don’t complain.” He yanked the briefs over his treacherous penis. It wasn’t the first time it had taken on a mind of its own (hello, high school), but it had never, ever behaved violently. “Hell, crazy women needing emergency Botox, tigers with diamond engagement rings, Doctor Dick wanting you to pay back fifty thousand dollars he was stupid enough to throw away—you’re unrelentingly nice to everyone. It’s who you are. And it’s why I can’t do this.”
“Do what?”
“I can’t be with you.” He still refused to meet her eyes as he turned his jeans right side out and pulled them up his legs. By the time he was ten years old, spending lazy summer mornings fly-fishing with his brothers, he’d been able to tie a full dress feather-winged salmon fly, which was still considered one of the most difficult to tie by fishermen his dad’s age. Yet right now those same hands were shaking so badly he could barely fasten the damn buttons. Why the fucking hell didn’t he just buy jeans with zippers? “Not in the way you want. In the way you deserve.”
“I love you,” she said quietly. But evenly.
He’d known that. Probably from the beginning. Even before people started telling him that she’d had that thing for him. He’d known it and had taken advantage of her feelings for his own selfish damn pleasure. Because being loved had him feeling human again. Making love had made him feel alive.
“And I’m falling in love with you.” Hell, he was all the way there, but wouldn’t admitting that make things even worse? He pulled the shirt over his head. It smelled like the hospital. Illness and antiseptic and urine and other things he didn’t even want to think about. How did anyone work in a place like that? How had Zoe survived such misery every damn day?
“So, what’s the problem?” She’d gotten off the bed and was standing there, all flush and pretty and naked, looking at him, her expression confused.
“It’s not you. It’s me.” Oh, Christ, Jesus, had he actually said that?
“Okay.” But it wasn’t okay. “So, you’re dumping me because you love me?”
“No. Okay. Maybe.”
“Is it because you’re feeling guilty because of Zoe? Like you’re cheating on her?”
“No. Seriously. It’s not that. I worried I would, in the beginning, a little. But I didn’t. That’s not it.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I thought I could handle it. And, call me a coward, which I guess I am, but I can’t risk losing another woman I love.”
“The reason you’re breaking up with me is because you’re afraid of losing me?”
“Yeah.” He dragged both hands down his face. “I’ve been through that pain once. And the ironic thing is, you’re the one who made it better. Who brought me back from hell. Or at least the purgatory I was stuck in.
“But Mom’s heart attack, watching Dad seem to shrink three sizes and look like he was about to flatline, too, reminded me that people die. Every damn day. Hell, right this very second, there are probably millions of people all over the world dying. And maybe some of the survivors who loved them are strong enough to put their hearts on the line again, but I’m not one of them.”
“I don’t really have any intention of dying anytime soon,” she said.
Her tone was mild, but he could hear the tremor of strain behind her words as she grabbed the sheet from the floor and wrapped it around herself. Not that it was going to provide any real protection against the pain he was inflicting.
“But we just never know, do we?” He shook his head. “It’s like life’s just one big crapshoot. Just when we think we have things under control, shit happens.”
Not only had he used her, both emotionally and physically, but now, watching the color drain from her face and the pain in her damp eyes, he knew that he was also breaking her heart. “Look. I’d better go before I make all this even worse.”
She folded her arms, holding herself tight, as if to keep from shattering apart. “I doubt that’s possible.” She closed her eyes, drew in a breath, then, with the backs of her hands, wiped at the tears that were falling down her cheeks. “Dammit, I never cry,” she said.
And didn’t he know that feeling? So why did he feel on the verge of bawling like Kylee and Mai’s baby now?
She lifted her head. Jutted out her chin in a way that was far more familiar. She’d probably looked like that when Doctor Dick had accused her casino’s games of being rigged. “You’re right,” she said on a stronger voice. Going into the closet, she pulled out a duffel bag, some jeans, shirts and two pairs of sneakers (one Gore-Tex for wet days), then went over to the dresser and dumped her underwear drawer, along with the clothes from the closet, into the bag.
“This isn’t going to work because you refuse to let it. And yes, I know you warned me up front, and yes, I’ve settled for a friends-with-benefits deal these past weeks, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Or have expected more. So go ahead and go home, or back to wherever the hell it is you go every Sunday, and I’ll move to the farm while you finish work on the house.”
“I can do that,” Seth said, even as sharp claws ripped away at his guts.
“Good.” She took her toothbrush and makeup bag from the bathroom and threw them into the duffel bag. “You know my plans for the rest of the rooms. Just send word through Quinn when it’s done. Then I’ll move back in.”
He had to ask. “What about the carriage house?”
Her laugh, which surprised him, held no humor. “I’ve no idea. I’m not really up to thinking about it today. I may contact that guy you told me about down the coast in Oregon.”
“Lucas Chaffee. I’ll have Ethel send you his card. Just in case.”
“Fine.” She shook her head as she zipped up the bag. “And aren’t we being so very civilized?”
Funny, for once they weren’t on the same wavelength. Because nothing about this felt the least bit civilized.
* * *
ONE ADVANTAGE OF her former occupation was that she’d learned to move quick and travel light. Brianna grabbed her purse from where she’d left it on the downstairs counter, and walked out the door. For the last time until Seth got her dream house done.
“Wouldn’t you just know it?” Bandit was standing there with his ratty old tennis ball in his mouth.
“You’re such a sweet boy,” she said as she patted his huge head, starting his tail thumping on the wooden slats of the porch floor. Oh, how she was going to miss this goofy, adorable, loving rescue dog.
He dropped the ball at her feet, his request obvious. She picked it up and threw it as far as she could. She might not have played official sports like Kylee, but years of playing baseball in the baseball diamond they’d made in one of the farm’s fallow fields had given her a strong throwing arm.
As he took off after it, she jumped into her car and drove away down the tree-lined drive that was going to be such a stunning welcome entry for guests once Amanda Barrow finished with it.
She’d sworn she wasn’t going to look back, but couldn’t resist glancing up into her rearview mirror. When she saw Bandit, ball in his mouth, chasing after her, Brianna allowed herself to sob.