“Why does nobody want me?”

Thomas misses a beat in his step but keeps moving toward the front door of the house. I don’t know why I say it out loud. Maybe it’s all the silence eating at me. The car ride felt long without either one of us talking. I still don’t know how he drove with me in his lap.

I know why I said it out loud, because I want him to tell me it’s a lie. But he keeps quiet while moving toward the house. I feel myself start to get sick.

I hold on to him tighter, and the nausea fades a little as I breathe him in. I feel calm for the first time since he left for his mission. But it only lasts for a moment because then I remember there might be another mission soon. And another after that. I could still lose him. I’m letting myself sink even more into him knowing that he could be taken from me so easily. Just a phone call and he’d be gone. Forever.

I was so confused when he’d gone on a mission to begin with, because Maggie said he never did. A small voice in the back of my head wonders if it was me who pushed him to go. Maybe he needed to get away from me for a while. It was something my dad did to get away from my mom and me—always working late, always asking me to leave him alone because he had work to do, when he was really doing other things. Like going to bars or playing games on his computer. He did it so much I stopped asking questions. I stopped trying to get his attention.

I hear the front door open, and I dig my fingers into Thomas, my nausea coming back full force. I bury my face into his neck, not caring that I’m being a coward about seeing Maggie. Maybe she’ll be so excited about the two of us being back home, that she’ll ignore the fact that we’re together.

“Fuck, I missed you holding on to me. You have no idea.” His voice sounds almost choked as he says it.

“I have to tell you something before we see Maggie,” I rush to say, remembering that she knows I’m pregnant. If she see me with her dad like this, I’m guessing she will know who the father is.

“She went home,” he says.

I pull back to look at Thomas, really getting a good look at him now that we are in the hallway. The light shines down on both of us. I reach up to touch a small cut that’s on his eyebrow. I know it wasn’t there before he left. I know every part of this man’s body.

“You’re okay with her and Eli?”

“I want her to be happy. Just like I know she’ll want me to be happy, too,” he tells me as he swings open the door to his room and carries me in. He sits me on the bed and walks over to the chair in the corner of the room, pulling it closer.

I knew he’d be okay with Maggie and Eli. I had a feeling he knew something was going on between them from the start but didn’t say anything.

He puts the chair next to the bed, but not close enough for me to reach out and touch him. I hate the distance. I want to go back to being in his arms. The nausea grows, and I know what will come. This baby has all the control, and he seems to like his father’s smell. Why they call it morning sickness I have no freaking clue. I’m sick all day.

He sits down in the chair and leans forward with his hands on his knees. I can see him gripping them tight, the white starting to show in his knuckles. His face is hard, something I’m not used to. He’s always so sweet and soft with me. I both hate and love it. He thinks I’m breakable, and it’s true. Look at me now. It’s pathetic. I can’t go a day without crying or feeling like I might snap.

“Are you mad at me?” I half whisper, hating the idea. I don’t recall him ever being upset. Even when he’d push for us to come out as a couple, he never seemed angry, only disappointed.

His face softens a little, the lines around his eyes showing. If it weren’t for the lines and his gray hair, I don’t think people would notice much of an age difference between us. But maybe I’m wrong. Everyone always says I look younger than I am.

“No, sweet one, I’m trying to keep from touching you.” I scoot a little more toward the edge of the bed, my body moving on its own. It’s always been that way with him. My body and heart. My brain is the only one that seems to get in the way of us.

He narrows his eyes but cocks his head to the side. A small smile pulls at his lips as he watches me. “Don’t tempt me. You’re already wearing my shirt and not much else. Have mercy on an old man.”

“You’re not old,” I mumble. He’s not even forty yet. He also doesn’t act old. He has more energy than I do. That man keeps me up all night sometimes. My face heats at the reminder.

“See? No mercy. Now you’re blushing, and you know what that does to me.” I can’t stop from glancing at his cock, and I blush even more when I see he knows where I’m looking. I miss making love to him. Feeling that utter closeness, it’s addicting. “I’ve been without you almost a month.” His words are pained. “Not touching you right now is harder than those weeks in the jungle fighting to get back to you.”

I rise to go to him, but he puts his hand up. “Sit down, sweet one. I won’t be able to talk if you’re in my lap.”

I nod and reluctantly sit down. I desperately want to be close to him, but I don’t know what he’s been through these past few weeks. I’m sure it was worse than mine, and that makes me feel terrible.

“Fuck, don’t do that to me. You know I’d give you anything I can. Give me a minute. I want to get us straight. Get everything out and tell you how things are going to be from this point on.” His tone is firm, which is still not normal for him when it comes to me. A little bit of worry creeps up my spine. “But know this, no matter how this conversation goes, your little ass is here. One way or another, before the sun rises, you’ll be agreeing to marry me.”

My gaze drops down to my stomach, covered by his oversized shirt. I’ve been wearing his clothes every night since he left, oftentimes sneaking into his room at night to sleep, trying to smell him on the sheets.

I want to throw myself at him, tell him yes, I’ll marry him. I’ve wanted to say it every time he brought it up before. He’d never actually asked, just always said it was going to happen. Sooner rather than later.

“I’m not good for you,” I finally push past my lips, knowing he’s waiting for me to say something.

“Because you think everyone always leaves. That one day I might think you’re no good for me so I’ll leave?” he asks softly. I can’t even bring myself to look up at him.

I shake my head. He’s only partly right. “You’d never really leave me. I mean, for a mission, sure, but if we got married you’d never leave. Not even if you wanted to. That’s not who you are.” He’s too honorable for that. Thomas loves his family, and he’d stick it out no matter what.

“I’d never ask someone to marry me who I didn’t want to be with all the way down to my soul. Who I knew I couldn’t live without. But you’re wrong about one thing, Alice. I’m not honorable. It’s not honorable to already be thinking of ways to lock this house up so tight you could never get out again.”

I know that should scare me, but all it does is make me melt for him. It makes my stomach do a little flip like it always does with Thomas. No one has ever made me feel more wanted than him. Each day I’m with him he folds me in closer. I love it, while still fearing something might take him from me.

“Did you ask Maggie’s mom to marry you?” I want to know if maybe he’d only asked her because she was pregnant. Or that maybe he’d had these feelings with someone else before me. Did he love another woman that deeply?

“Bug is adopted.” My eyes fly to his. I didn’t expect him to say that. “I’ve never asked a woman to marry me. Never loved anyone but you in that way. I’ve never even been in love or told a woman I loved her. I’ve been saving all of it for you because it’s yours. All of it. Always has been and always will be. I think that’s why all these years I had Maggie, I never so much as looked for anything more. At first I thought it was because I was so focused on being a good dad. But then you walked into my life and I knew. It was because I was waiting for my woman to make our family bigger, to make our family whole.”

I sit in shock, not sure what to say.

“I can’t take it,” he says, grabbing me and pulling me to him. I’m in his lap, with him cradling me, and he lets out a deep sigh like he can breathe again.

“You think that woman is me?” I ask softly.

“Know it,” he growls.

“I’m scared. So scared,” I admit, burying my face in his neck like I always like to do. “I can’t take it. I’m worried about you taking off on another mission. Something happening. I just can’t—’

He tries to interrupt me, but I keep going, pulling back and looking at him.

“I just can’t. It hurt so much. You have no idea. Thinking I’d lost you…someone I love, someone who loves me back. That’s rare for me. I don’t have that. People just loving me. It made me sick being without you. Like I wasn’t whole. It felt like a part of me was missing.”

“You love me,” he says, but I ignore him and keep going.

“And right there is the problem. You need someone strong who can deal with that. Someone worthy of you. I’m not strong like you. I wish I could be, but I can’t. That’s why I left once I knew you were okay, because I couldn’t go through this again, and I’d never ask you not to go on a mission. To not be who you are and do what you want to do. I knew if I stayed, next time I’d beg you not to go. Probably make you feel guilty for having to do your job. So don’t you see? Maybe it’s better if we break. Not fall any deeper for each other.” Even as I say the words, I hang on to him tighter, not wanting to let go. It was easier to think these things when he wasn’t in front of me, when I wasn’t smelling him, feeling him, having him say all these sweet things to me, doing like he always does, dragging me into him, under him. So deep I can never leave. Never wanting to leave.

“You love me,” he says again.

“Of course I love you!” I yell at him.

“I know. I’ve just been waiting for you to say it.” I drop my eyes from his. I didn’t realize I hadn’t said it to him before. Every time he says it to me, I soak it in and enjoy it. I hadn’t even noticed I wasn’t saying it back.

He brings his hand to my face, making me look at him. “I know you didn’t grow up in a house where people said I love you, but I’m going to get you used to it. You won’t leave a room without hearing someone say it, and have it roll off your lips right back. That how it’s supposed to be. How our family will be.” He places his hand on my belly like he always does when he talks about making a family together. I try to stop him, but he feels it.

Before I know what’s happening, my shirt is gone and I’m flat on my back with him looking down at me. I’ve only got on a pair of panties, and the heat of his stare burns up every inch of my skin.