They both dozed off again, and Mark was still sleeping when Sophie woke up again, this time at about six-thirty in the morning.
She’d gotten into the habit of going to get a cup of coffee and then climbing back in bed to drink it and watching the news headlines every morning. She didn’t want to wake Mark up, so she turned the volume on very soft.
She was sliding on her slippers when she saw his eyes open.
“Sorry,” she said with a sheepish smile. “Did I wake you up?” She felt a happy chill at the memory of their sweet conversation earlier that morning. Things were getting better. He was opening up. Today might be really good.
He shook his head, his expression calm, not quite as expressive as it had been a few hours ago. “No. It’s fine.”
“Do you want some coffee?”
“Sure.”
She left and returned a few minutes later with two cups of coffee, and she felt a silly little thrill at the fact that she was getting to drink coffee in bed with her husband this morning.
He thanked her and propped himself up on his pillows so he could drink it without spilling.
She turned the volume louder, and they watched in silence for a few minutes.
“This is really good,” Mark said, after a little while.
It was so close to what she was feeling herself that she just murmured, “Yeah.”
Then she realized he wasn’t talking about the whole morning experience. He was just talking about the coffee. “I just bought it the other day. It’s gourmet Columbian. They just got it in at the grocery store down the block.”
He smiled, the way he used to smile when he thought she’d spent too much money on something but wasn’t annoyed by it.
“You just said it was good,” she said, reaching over to give his beard a little tug. “So you know it was worth the money.”
He chuckled. “You’ve left me with no argument.”
“Exactly.”
They were both smiling when the commercials ended and the weather came on.
“I can’t believe we might have snow this weekend.”
“It’s already the first of December. I can’t believe it. Christmas will be here soon.” She swallowed the last of her coffee. “At least you’ll be here this Christmas.”
“Yeah. I guess so. It seems strange to think about Christmas. It seems strange to think about a lot of things.”
She tensed up internally but managed not to let it show in her body. She didn’t want to make it seem like Mark’s words were significant.
They were, though. At least to her. It was the first time he’d said anything personal, anything about his feelings about being home again, on his own initiative.
“Yeah. I guess it would. Is there anything in particular you want to do this Christmas?”
“Were you going to your folks?”
“I was originally, since I thought I’d be on my own. But we can visit them either before or after Christmas. It might be more comfortable if we just spent Christmas on our own. Unless you wanted to do something else.”
“No. On our own sounds good. I’m not sure I’m ready to be around a lot of people yet.”
“Sure. We’ll spend Christmas just the two of us.” She smiled and reached down to squeeze his hand.
“Do you want more coffee?” he asked, pulling his hand away. It wasn’t rude or abrupt in any way, but it felt like he wanted to get away from her.
“Sure. Thank you.”
He got out of bed, and she watched him walk toward the kitchen in just his underwear. He’d always had a very nice ass, and it was firm and tight still, even though the rest of him was too thin.
For just a moment, she felt like he was a stranger. An actual stranger. In bed with her. Getting her coffee.
She wondered if she really knew him at all.
She’d brushed the thought away and was smiling when he returned.
“What did you want to do today?” she asked, when he climbed into bed beside her.
“I don’t know.”
She didn’t want him to just lie around all day, even though it might be his first inclination. It felt like he needed something to do, something to occupy his mind. She knew very well that, if one was unoccupied, it was very easy to brood, and Mark was always a “doing” sort of person. “Why don’t you come to the bookstore with me?” she suggested. “You can help out, if you don’t have anything else in mind.”
He actually looked relieved, as if the pressure of decision-making had been taken away from him. “Okay. That would be fine.”
Sophie smiled as she sipped her coffee.
It was definitely a good day. Not only did she get to drink coffee and watch the news with her husband, but she also got to go to work with him.
It wasn’t like it used to be—pretty soon, they’d have to work on getting him back to his old self, where she didn’t always have to nudge him into doing things—but, still, this was nice.
***
The morning went really well.
Her grandfather was kind and easy-going, and he was happy to see Mark without trying to crowd him. Sophie let her grandfather handle the cash register while she and Mark worked in the back room, re-organizing the stock the way she’d been wanting to do for a while. They also switched out the fall-themed knickknacks on the front shelves with Christmas-themed knickknacks. Mark walked to the sandwich shop two doors down to get lunch for the three of them, and Sophie was almost flushed with happiness at having such a good day with him.
When Thomas Morgan, Abigail’s husband, walked into the store in the middle of the afternoon, Sophie was happy to see him. She wanted to introduce him to Mark. She was hoping the two men could be friends.
Thomas was a surgeon at the local hospital, and he always came across as competent and self-possessed. He smiled when he saw Sophie. “I need a Christmas present for Mia, and all she ever wants is more books,” he said. “Do you have anything she hasn’t read yet?”
Sophie made a face. Thomas and Abigail’s daughter read as well and as much as a child twice her age. “I don’t know. She’s read through my kid’s section.”
“Abigail gave me strict instructions that I was to stick to age-appropriate books.” He curled up his lip in a way that made Sophie chuckle.
She glanced behind her to see if Mark was around, but he’d gone to the bathroom and must not have come back out yet.
Focusing on the problem at hand, she mentally scanned her inventory. “Oh,” she said, walking over to the glass case in which they kept the rare or more valuable books. She indicated a row near the bottom of the case. “Has she read these?”
Thomas leaned down to look. “No. I don’t think so. I’ve never heard of them. Are they any good?”
“Yes. I loved them. They’re about a hundred years old now, but they’re so much fun, and they’re well written. They’re about girls who are friends, and the books grow up with the girls, so the later books are a lot harder.”
Thomas had pulled the first book off the shelf. “This is too easy for her.”
“Yeah, but look at this one.” She pulled off one of the high school books and opened it. “The reading level grows up with the girls. She might not be ready to read the older ones yet, but she can definitely read the first six.”
“Okay.” He was scanning pages quickly, and Sophie was quite sure he was reading them thoroughly at a very fast speed. Thomas was incredibly smart. Sometimes intimidatingly so. That was obvious from just a simple conversation. “This doesn’t look too shallow.”
“I think Mia would really like them. But I can order them in paperbacks if you want. These are early editions and so they’re pretty expensive.”
Thomas opened the front flap to look at the price written in very faint pencil. “This is fine. I’ll take these for her. I’ll make sure she takes care of them.”
Sophie perked up. She hadn’t even had to use aggressive sales techniques, and she’d made the most lucrative sale for the store in several months. “Great. I’ll get them packed up. It’s a wonderful present.”
She was packing the books up and laughing about Thomas’s account of how Abigail had crouched down to pick out a box of cereal in the store and then had been unable to stand up again in her very pregnant state when she felt a presence at her side.
She glanced up to see Mark. He was looking between her and Thomas, and there was something wary on his face.
Sophie smiled brightly. “Mark, this is Thomas Morgan.”
Thomas held out a hand in a friendly greeting. “I heard you were in town. It’s great to meet you.”
Mark shook the other man’s hand but didn’t smile. He turned to Sophie. “Do you need any help?”
She was a bit disappointed that he wasn’t returning Thomas’s friendliness, but she wasn’t going to get discouraged. “Can you get a bag from under the counter? One of the bigger ones, since we need to fit all the books in.”
“Are you all planning to stay in Willow Park?” Thomas asked, his green eyes thoughtful and intelligent as they moved from Sophie to Mark.
When Mark didn’t answer, Sophie said, “We’re not sure yet. We’re still trying to figure things out.”
“Of course.” He pulled out a credit card, not batting an eye when Sophie gave him the final, very high total. While Sophie slid his card, he added, “Well, I hope you all end up staying, if it works out for you. Abigail will be so sad if you leave town.”
Sophie smiled, ridiculously pleased by the comment, by the evidence that Abigail valued their friendship as much as she did. “If we end up leaving, I’ll definitely come back to visit. I’m not sure what I’d do without her.”
Mark was still silent, and he felt bristly for some reason, although she couldn’t imagine why he would be so. Since his mood seemed prompted by Thomas, she decided not to extend the conversation. So soon Thomas was on his way with his large bag of books for Mia and the suggestion that they get together for dinner sometime.
When he was gone, Sophie turned to look up at Mark’s face. She couldn’t read his expression as well as she used to—partly because of the beard and partly because he wasn’t reacting in normal ways.
“Who was that?” he demanded with a frown.
No way to mistake that expression. “What do you mean? I told you, his name is Thomas Morgan. He’s a surgeon at the hospital.”
“He knows you’re married?” Mark was glaring at the door out of which Thomas had disappeared.
Sophie almost choked on her surprise. “What are you talking about? Of course, he knows I’m married. He’s married too.”
“He was very friendly for being married.”
She was so baffled and astonished that she wasn’t as careful as she normally was in her response. “That’s crazy! He’s a friend of mine, I guess, but he’s mostly the husband of one of my best friends. He’s insanely in love with his wife. He’s not remotely interested in me that way. You can’t possibly think that I’d—”
“Okay,” Mark interrupted. He still didn’t look happy. “You just seemed very friendly.”
Sophie was so flustered she couldn’t immediately respond. She hadn’t been flirting with Thomas. She was sure of it. And he hadn’t been flirting with her. Mark must have misread it and gotten jealous. He’d never been jealous before. He’d never been that kind of man. He’d always found it hilarious when men were interested in her, only to discover she was unavailable. But Mark was still getting back to who he used to be and getting used to their marriage.
It was natural that he’d be a little insecure about their relationship. She wasn’t going to demand that he be reasonable, no matter what her first instinct was.
“We’re friends,” she repeated. “That’s why we were friendly. That’s all. Neither of us would ever dream of anything else. I promise.”
“Okay.”
She reached up to touch his face gently. “Mark? You believe me, don’t you?”
Mark stared down at her, and finally he nodded.
She let out a breath. “I love you. There’s never been anyone but you for me. You know that. I’ve waited for you all this time, and I’ve never even imagined wanting anyone else.”
His shoulders relaxed slightly. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. It’s going to be a little weird between us sometimes, I guess. Let’s just be ourselves, and we can work it out and get back to where we were before. I’m sure we can.”
“Yeah.”
“That’s what you want, right?”
“Yes. I do. I want to be who we were before.” His words were low and hoarse, and she knew they were sincere.
“Good, then. Me too. That’s what I want too. We can help each other get there.”
She pulled his face down so she could kiss him. He kissed her back, and she felt better about things between them.
There were going to be a few speed bumps, but they were doing just fine.
***
After work that evening, they walked down the block to the grocery store to pick something out for dinner, as she always did.
“What do you feel like eating?” she asked.
He gave a half-shrug. “Anything is fine with me.”
She wished he would put forward a few opinions, but he seemed more comfortable letting her make the decisions for the time being.
She could do that. She would do anything he needed her to do. “Okay. Maybe steak tonight. That might be good.” Steak had always been his favorite.
“Sounds good to me.”
They walked to the meat counter, and the store manager came out of the back and greeted Sophie by name. He said he had in some great sirloins, so they picked out two. Then they got potatoes and salad stuff and were on their way home.
When they got to the apartment, Sophie pulled out her grill pan and started to heat it up for the steaks. As soon as it was hot enough, she put on the steaks.
“When did you learn to do that?” he asked, watching as she worked.
She was surprised by the question. “What do you mean?”
“Just that you never knew how to make steaks like that before. When did you start doing that?”
“Oh. I don’t even know. Some time.” She tried to think back, realizing that naturally he wouldn’t know she’d learned to cook in the last few years. “I guess I just picked a few things up after I moved here. Willow Park doesn’t have as many options for eating out, so I had to cook more often.”
He was just standing around next to her, and that wasn’t like him at all. Before he’d left the country, he’d always helped out around the house, and he’d been better in the kitchen than she was. Remembering they were supposed to be helping each other get back to who they’d been, she said, “Do you mind cutting up the peppers and tomato for the salad?”
“Sure.”
She babysat the steaks as he made the salad, and in a few minutes their dinner was done.
The steaks were perfect, and Mark ate all of his, so she considered the meal a complete success.
He looked content and relaxed as he leaned back in his chair afterwards, and Sophie had enough courage to ask, “What did you eat? There, I mean.”
His expression changed, and he stared down at his plate. But, to her relief, he answered immediately, “It depended. Sometimes almost nothing. Sometimes regular food. It depended on who was on duty.”
“Oh. I guess that makes sense. There were some people who were decent to you?”
“A few.”
“Okay.” She hated the thought of him imprisoned for so long with people who hated him and those like him. She hated the thought of it so much that it almost made her sick. “I’m glad there were a few.”
He nodded and didn’t speak, and she decided not to push any further. She didn’t want to pressure him too much and have him clam up. In the prep sessions she’d had in D.C., they’d warned her about doing that. Better to talk in small moments and let him open up a little more every day.
They washed dishes and cleaned up the kitchen. Then Mark asked, “What do you normally do in the evenings?”
“Not much. I walk on the treadmill, or talk on the phone, or watch TV usually.” She felt kind of restless and realized it was because she needed some exercise. “Do you want to take a walk? It’s not too cold out there this evening.”
“Sure.”
They walked around Willow Park, and she pointed out spots of interest and where the people she knew lived. He listened, evidently interested in her commentary.
They were close to the apartment again when he finally said softly, “You’re different.”
She straightened up. “What?”
“You’re different. You didn’t used to be so…so independent.”
“What?” she asked again, confused and ridiculously guilty. “I’m not all that different.”
“Yes, you are. You used to go along with anything I wanted, letting me make decisions. You used to not like to do anything by yourself. You used to make me kill every bug.”
All of that was true. She hadn’t been weak before, but she’d been yielding because she wanted everyone to be happy, and a lot of decisions she just didn’t care about. She’d also used to be very social, not liking to do anything alone.
She had changed, she realized. It was by necessity, but she’d changed nonetheless.
Just like Mark had changed.
Maybe he felt like he was coming home to a stranger too.
“I guess I’ve changed some,” she admitted. “But I think the core of me is still the same. And now that things are normal again, I can get back to my old self. Don’t you feel the same way yourself?”
His features twisted slightly. “I…I don’t know. I don’t know if the core of me is even left.”
Her throat and chest ached. “It is there.” She held his face in both hands. “It is there. I can still see it.”
He made a rough sound in his throat and took her in his arms. “I hope so,” he said at last, against her shoulder.
It felt like he needed her, and she desperately needed that affirmation. She hugged him back, trying to convey her feelings in the grip she had on him. “We’re going to be fine, Mark. We’re going to get back to who we were,” she said. “I know it.”
“I’m glad you know it,” he admitted. “Because I’m not always sure myself.”
“Well, I’m sure enough for both of us.”
She wanted to cry but she restrained the impulse, since she wanted to make sure he knew she was strong in this, she wasn’t doubting or wavering.
She added, “We don’t need to rush things. We have plenty of time.”
They did have plenty of time, but she hoped things would be better by Christmas. The holidays and the end of the year felt like a good time to have a fresh start, to begin their lives again.
It was three weeks still until Christmas. Surely, in that amount of time, they could put their marriage back together again.