It took Ben a good five minutes to continue. Through his Snowcone buzz, the feeling of that night—raw and surreal, oppressive and wild, like an electrical storm during a summer heat wave—came back to him. The vision of his father’s bloodied body on the kitchen floor, the weight of knowing that the police were coming, and that someone needed to tell Mom before they did. And knowing that person had to be him, because Tobias was downstairs securing the house and talking to the police, and Aiden was only eight, and Cassie was only sixteen, and Will was away at law school. And even though his skin felt raw and flayed, as if it didn’t even belong to him, and his gorge rose every time he thought of what he’d seen in the kitchen, he’d trudged upstairs, stomach churning, the walls wavering as if they were in a Steven King movie. Red rum, red rum.

Stop it. Just get to Mom. Hold Mom. I need Mom.

And then those terrible, stumbling words. “Someone killed Dad. He’s dead, Mom. He’s really dead.”

God, what a stupid way to break something like that to your own mother. He was crying, feeling stupid, like a little kid because he couldn’t stop blubbering and he wanted to be strong for her. He wanted to take care of her because that was what she needed, and what he always did. He was the one who could lighten her darkest moods.

Not this time.

He heard the sound of that slap before he felt it. It echoed through his parents’ bedroom like an endless church bell. Then she’d covered her face with her hands.

“You hit me, Mom,” he’d said, in complete shock, not even thinking. Stating a fact.

“She hit me,” he told Julie now. “After I told her about Dad. Then she tried to throw herself out the window.”

“Oh God. What did you do?”

“I dove after her. I grabbed onto her foot and wouldn’t let her go. It was crazy, like a tug of war. Her hands were on the windowsill and she was trying to pull herself away from me.”

“Was the window open?”

“No, she never got that far. The police showed up, their lights were flashing into the room. She kind of slumped onto the floor then and wouldn’t talk to me. I think she passed out. I was scared to leave her, but I ran out and found a female police officer. I told her what had happened, so she took Mom into custody for the night. They said it was for her safety. But the next time I saw Mom, she barely looked at me. It was like she didn’t remember any of that.”

A warm hand covered his. “Maybe she didn’t. They probably gave her tranquilizers and who knows what.”

Ben clenched his hand tighter, unwilling to take the comfort she was offering.

“I just want to know that she’s okay. I want to see for myself. I really just want to see her with my own eyes and make sure I didn’t damage her for life with my clumsy-ass teenage words. I screwed up, right when she needed me most.”

Gently, she untucked his fist so she could lace her fingers with his. “Ben, do you really think anything you said at that moment would have made a difference? Her husband had just been murdered. I remember when the police came to tell me about Mom’s accident. I’ll never forget it. They were nice, and they said all the right things, but it was horrible because I didn’t know them. At least the news came from you, someone she loved.”

“But I should have done more,” he croaked. “I knew she was close to the edge. Maybe if I’d gotten more help for her, she wouldn’t have left. Maybe she would have stayed and Aiden would have grown up with his mother and Cassie wouldn’t have to be Mom’s full-time caretaker and you and me wouldn’t have lost twelve years.”

Julie pulled her hand from his—maybe he was hurting her—and started the truck.

“Are you in or out?” she asked him, indicating the passenger-side door.

Confused, he pulled it shut. He didn’t know what she had in mind, but whatever it was, he was with her.

She pulled onto the road. “First, your mother is alive. You were afraid she might harm herself that night, right? Well, she didn’t, so I say you did pretty well that night. You probably saved her life by telling the police.”

“But she left. She didn’t jump out the window, but she left.”

“But that’s not your fault. She’s responsible, not you. I knew your mom, Ben. I know how much she loved her kids. She must have been really desperate.”

He stared out the window at the dark hills slipping past, the intense starry glow from overhead. The wind was picking up, causing the roadside trees to sway and the truck to vibrate. A storm was coming up, according to the latest marine forecast.

“As for Aiden, he seems pretty good to me. He’s a gem. He’s in college, he’s got a girlfriend. And Cassie? You’re thinking the worst, but I know Cassie, and I can promise you, she doesn’t do things she doesn’t want to. Remember when your mom wanted to give her bangs? It was practically a nuclear standoff.”

That was true. Cassie could be the most stubborn goddamn kid in the world. He actually smiled a tiny bit, remembering that.

They reached a fork in the road, and she turned the truck toward the ocean. “Where are we going?”

“I have a surprise for you. I got a text from Carolyn, she said Felix fell asleep on the couch. So, I think this is a good time to address your last worry. That we lost twelve years, you and me.”

“How do we do that?”

“Simple. We make up for lost time.”