Chapter Twenty-Two - Samantha

I haven’t spoken to Lucas in two days, and I’m still reeling from our lunch. I can’t believe Lucas suggested what he did. That he tried to buy me out. I had thought the worst that might happen was that we might hook up only for it to mutually fall apart when our businesses got in the way or that he might still be scoping out the competition, which I figured he could do whether we were seeing each other or not. There’s no way I could’ve kept him or his employees away from the center, after all. I can’t believe I hadn’t seen this coming, but now I feel like an idiot for not suspecting it from the start.

I really thought we had something. I really thought he was a good man. Now, I’m realizing that this was probably always his plan. To get me to fall for him so he could take my business without a fight. He probably thought I’d be so lovestruck that I’d happily agree. What a jerk. I should’ve stuck with my first impressions of him after all.

I hate that I was right about him all along. It hurts, and I can’t stand how much it does. I hate feeling this bad about something like a relationship, and a manipulative one, at that. I hate how much I feel angry and raw and brokenhearted over someone who never cared about me at all. I miss him, and that somehow feels like the worst part. I miss talking to him, I miss our jogs, and I miss the way he made me feel. I miss spending time with him and the way that, for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was building something real in my personal life.

It’s all shattered now, and I feel a little shattered myself, honestly. It’s hard to make it through the workday without thinking about it, and I hate that he’s had such an effect on me. I’ve always prided myself on being independent and strong, and now I’m tearing up in my office at ten in the morning just thinking about Lucas. I can’t believe I let that happen to myself.

Lucas calls and he texts, but I never answer. He hasn’t been by the center, and I’m glad. I don’t know what I’d do if I saw him in person right now. I know I’ll have to see him eventually, but right now, I’d rather block him out entirely.

On top of it all, our campaign isn’t going as well as I had hoped. Long-time clients are responding that they’d love to participate in extra activities, but that their budgets are limited, too. Right now, it’s looking like we’ll be able to book a few parties a year, and maybe an extra private class or so a month. It might help a little, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to be enough.

I keep telling myself not to give up on it yet. That we might get more of a response from the broader community. That it’s only been a week. That more answers will pull in and change things. It’s hard to feel optimistic about anything right now, though.

My staff knows something is up, but I haven’t told any of them anything about it. They know Lucas hasn’t been around, and they can tell something is going on with me, but I can’t bring myself to tell them. I don’t want anyone to know how foolish I’ve been. I don’t want to talk about it right now to anyone.

I just keep thinking about Lucas and about how perfect our night together had seemed at the time. I’d felt so happy, so filled with hope. Now that it’s all come crashing down, it hurts even worse because it had been so good. At least I had thought it was good.

The idea that he’d been faking it all just for a business scheme doesn’t seem like it can be real. I suppose it’s possible he wasn’t faking all of it. It’s possible that he was interested in and attracted to me but that my business had just been an inconvenience to him. I can’t tell if that would be worse. I’d almost rather think he was a complete jerk, that nothing was real, that maybe all those stories he told were lies to get rid of the fitness center by getting me into bed. It’s easier to hate him that way. It’s easier to stay angry.

If I start thinking that some or most of it was real, that he meant it, then I have to think that even after we really did fall for each other, he decided he didn’t respect my business at all. That means he didn't respect me, either. I can’t stand the thought of that.

“Hey,” Julia says, popping her head into my office and interrupting the spiral of my thoughts. “Can I ask you a favor?”

“Sure,” I say, trying to pull myself together.

“I have a doctor’s appointment later. Can you cover my two o’clock free dance? Marc and Heather are already booked then, and Chloe hates leading the free dance,” Julia says.

“Yeah, of course. Is everything alright?” I ask. Julia grins and sits down in a chair, taking a long sip of the water in her hand.

“It’s great, actually, or at least I hope so,” Julia says. She looks really happy, glowing, even.

“What do you mean?” I ask, confused. Julia is a really open person. It’s not like her to beat around the bush about anything. In the four years she’s worked for me, I’ve never known her to keep a secret for longer than a day.

“Nathan and are trying to get pregnant!” Julia says, beaming. Julia married her husband Nathan last spring. They’re very sweet together. He’s a really nice guy, always picking her up after work. They’re the kind of couple who kiss each other hello on the street and hold hands when they’re in a group.

“Oh! That’s wonderful. Congratulations!” I say. I’m not really surprised they want to start having kids. I can’t help but feel even sadder hearing her news, though. I want nothing but happiness for Julia and Nathan, for all my friends and staff, but it makes me feel incredibly lonely. The best chance at that kind of happiness I’ve met in years turned out to be a bigger jerk than I could have imagined. It’s hard not feel even lower hearing Julia’s news, and on top of it all, that means I have to think about scheduling classes around one less employee while Julia’s on maternity leave. I might have to think about hiring someone to take her place, at least temporarily. And depending on how long it takes for her to get pregnant, I’m not sure if the center will even be around long enough to merit a new hire.

“Thanks! I mean, there is nothing to congratulate yet, but I’m going to the doctor so I can get off birth control and we can get started on trying,” Julia says.

“I’m really happy for you,” I say. I mean it, even if it hurts.

I only half listen as Julia tells me more about her doctor’s appointment and their plans. It’s ridiculous to think about Lucas as she talks. We weren’t even really together. I didn’t lose something real and lasting, something like Julia and Nathan have. I know I didn’t.

But it feels like I did.