Chapter Fifteen
“Bloody hell, you overgrown lump of fur, move over.”
The sun hadn’t yet risen enough to peek past the drapes, but when I squinted my eyes open, I found myself in bed with two prominent lumps—Puck and Edwin. Edwin wrestled one arm beneath the dog’s shoulders and tried to slide him out from between us.
“How did you manage to squirm your way between us again? Sleep at the foot of the bed!”
Puck groaned as if the very notion sucked the life from him.
Smirking, I shut my eyes again and let my head rest on the soft pillow. The bed was more than big enough to fit the three of us. In fact, it likely could have fit two more people…or animals. I bit my lip and kept that thought to myself. Edwin made enough fuss over the cat, Patches.
“You could help.”
That exasperated statement was likely directed toward me and not the dog.
“Shh, I’m sleeping.”
“You are not.”
I chuckled at his disgruntled tone.
With a huff, he gave up trying to move Puck and flopped down on the bed, defeated. “Is this what you envisioned when you insisted he sleep with us? When I reach over, I want to touch you, not this cotton ball. For all his fur, he has elbows that could cut glass.”
I chuckled again but didn’t open my eyes. “Come sleep on this side of the bed if it bothers you so much.”
“It’s my bed,” Edwin grumbled even as he shifted his weight. Cool air flooded inside the warm nest of blankets as he slipped out. A moment later, the mattress swung as he slid into bed behind me. As I’d suspected, there was plenty of room. He slept in a bed big enough for a harem.
With a satisfied sound that went straight to the pit of my belly, he snaked his arm around my waist and tucked me intimately into his side. “Isn’t this more enjoyable?”
“Much,” I answered, my voice a bit breathless.
He nuzzled my neck sleepily. “I could wake like this every morning.”
Puck whined and crawled toward us.
Edwin sighed. “Except him. He can sleep on the floor.”
I laughed again, the sound a bit weak. “You aren’t particularly convincing.”
My mind raced. He sounded at peace, content. The moment he awoke fully, he’d recall what he truly wanted out of a marriage, what he’d professed to me. He’d spoken of separate bedrooms, separate lives. Not spending nights and lazy mornings pressed up against his wife. Tears stung my eyes and I was grateful I had my back to him. Whatever this was, it was temporary. Passion would fade.
Perhaps, if I’d taken back our no-kiss rule years ago before he’d left…
But I couldn’t change the past. We were different people now. This insanity between us was temporary. As selfish as I felt for indulging his company for another night when I knew it must end, morning had come.
Puck concurred. With another whine, he straddled my legs and stuck his nose in my hip, snuffling as he searched for an opening.
“Don’t you start,” Edwin grumbled. Despite his irascible tone, he lifted his hand to lazily rub Puck’s head. “You are not getting between us again.”
I smiled, though it felt a bit achy. How long would I let myself lie here and pretend? After swallowing to make sure my voice held no trace of my inner turmoil, I murmured, “He likes to be the center of attention.”
“Well, so do I. I’d rather have you all to myself.”
He wrapped his arm around my waist again, holding me like he never intended to let me go. It was too much. I ached, wanting something I couldn’t have. If I stayed here another moment, I might fool myself into thinking I would keep him forever. No more returning home to an empty, lonely house. His bustled with life. Most importantly, he would be in it, smiling and asking after my day.
How many people did you save today? He used to ask when we were young, as if I was some knight in shining armor out of legend.
Drawing in a shaky breath, I said, “Perhaps he needs to go out. I should take him.” I blinked hard and turned in his arms, offering him a smile.
Fortunately, the light was too dim for him to notice the storm of worry brewing inside me.
“Would you like me to come with you?”
He started to rise, but I pinned him back against the mattress and kissed him soundly. For a moment, I forgot myself in his arms. I almost lost my resolve to leave. When I lifted my head, I smiled and brushed an errant lock of hair away from his forehead. “Stay in bed. One of us ought to.”
With a sigh, he let his arms fall from around me. “Next time, we send him to spend the night with Isaac.”
My heart flipped. Clearly, he expected there to be a next time. Did he have any intention at all of dissolving our engagement, even if I obeyed the contract to the letter?
I didn’t ask. Instead, I escaped the bed and the house. I didn’t stop walking until I’d returned back to Blandford Street.
The moment I stepped into the informal dining room for a quick bite and discovered Papa pacing the back wall on a weekday, I froze. He worked such long hours, usually Sunday was the only day I spent time with him. I looked forward to rising early on those days. Last Sunday, I’d spent the day with Edwin instead. My stomach shriveled.
He turned to me, anger and worry warring on his face. “Mary, thank Zeus! You didn’t come home last night.”
I cringed. “I spent the night at the Sutton house. I must have forgotten to leave a note. I’m sorry.”
He flung a folded news rag onto the table. It slid across and fell over the edge, crumpling to the ground. His eyes snapped with emotion. “You aren’t married yet. He can wait a few weeks before you move your trunks into his house.”
The bottom dropped out of my stomach. I froze. A lump formed in my throat, so big I could barely force words around it. “You know about the engagement.”
He rubbed his hand across his whiskers. “Your betrothed informed me about it the other day as you were dressing. Why didn’t you tell me? I would have liked to have learned it from you! I waited, hoping you’d come around to doing it, but it’s increasing clear that you have no intention of telling me about the most pivotal thing that has happened in your life.”
I shifted my weight from foot to foot. “It’s not really happening.”
His big, bushy eyebrows dropped lower over his eyes. He sighed. “I don’t understand. This needs tea.”
Yes, it certainly did.
Papa dropped into his chair. He looked gaunt, like he hadn’t eaten all week. Dark rings formed under his eyes, shadows of the demons haunting him. He worked too hard. He needed a day off.
Instead, I gave him one more thing to worry about.
“I’m sorry.” I tiptoed forward, pulling out a chair. I slipped into it, and clasped the cup of tea he’d poured for me. It was lukewarm, and he hadn’t added any sugar. I fetched some from the mantle. At this hour, there wasn’t much there aside from tea and a few leftovers from yesterday. Even Albert didn’t rise this early to make breakfast. That would come in an hour or two.
As I stirred some sugar into my tea and added a couple lumps to his, I studied his face. “Forgive me. I should have told you.”
He nodded, weary. “An explanation would have been nice.”
“It’s only a sham engagement,” I offered, lifting my shoulder in a shrug. I knew it didn’t make up for neglecting to keep him apprised of the situation, but at least the marriage wouldn’t happen. If it had, I didn’t know if he would forgive me.
Let alone Mama.
He frowned. “There are no sham engagements, Mary.”
“There is, this time. Edwin and I have an agreement. He needs a fiancée for…” Why did he want to pretend we were engaged? He’d never offered a proper explanation for that, aside from the fact that he was being pressured to marry. Was it as simple as he made it sound? I shook my head and completed, “for appearances. In a few days, we’ll part ways. I’ll live my life and he’ll go on to marry some nice, sweet girl who cares more for plants.”
The words soured in my throat, like curdled milk. I took a sip of tea to wash them down, but it didn’t help.
Papa frowned. The corners of his mouth disappeared into the shadow of his beard.
I added, “You’re hardly around of late, so I’d hoped not to worry you over this. I have a contract and everything.”
The glimmer of a smile played around his mouth. He fiddled with his teacup, but didn’t take a sip. “And Lady Gladstone? Is she aware this is a part you’re playing and you have no intention of seeing it through to the altar?”
I flinched at the question, an answer in itself.
“You received a summons to attend a soiree at her house tomorrow. We both did, to celebrate your engagement.”
What little mettle I still possessed drained out through the soles of my shoes. “Tomorrow? But that’s—”
The anniversary of Mama’s death.
He met my gaze, his expression stern. “Lady Gladstone won’t be happy when you call off the wedding. Are you sure this is what you and this young man want?”
Was it?
Of course it is.
Why did that voice get smaller with every passing night I spent with him?
“Edwin and I don’t suit, Papa. We’d be at each other’s throats.”
“Then why did you agree to this engagement in the first place?”
I shrugged, but I couldn’t meet his gaze. “It’s mutually beneficial. Ever since my…indiscretion a month ago, I know we haven’t had much money and…”
“The scoundrel offered you money to spend your nights with him?”
I jumped at the venom in Papa’s voice. “What? No! He offered me a tidy sum to pretend to be in love with him. In public, for everyone to see.”
To my surprise, Papa didn’t appear much more pleased at the clarification. “We have enough quid to live, Mary. I see to that.”
“And you’re working yourself near to death.” I pressed my lips shut and looked away. I was worried for him, just as much as he was worried for me. In a small voice, I added, “I only have a few days left in the contract now, so it doesn’t matter. Suffice it to say, I made a misstep, and I felt it was my duty to rectify it.”
“By marrying this young man.”
“Certainly not.” I swallowed hard. “Mama wouldn’t approve. I will pretend to be in love with him until the contract expires and we can return to our everyday lives.”
Papa frowned again, studying me. This time, it seemed more pensive than disapproving. “All your mother ever wanted was to see you happy and carefree. Now it seems like you take the weight of the world upon your shoulders.”
“Someone has to, Papa. You know that.”
“Maybe so.” He stared into his teacup, his expression troubled. “But if you find a bit of happiness, you should find a way to hold onto it. It’s what your mother would have wanted.”
“Edwin and I are not happy,” I lied. Truth be told, we were happy—for now. But it wouldn’t last forever. And I wasn’t such a lovelorn fool that I’d pretend otherwise.
It hadn’t lasted forever before. And we’d only been friends then, not lovers. Now that we’d both changed in ways that departed from the youths who had been able to make a connection with each other, what chance did we have? None.
That kind of love didn’t exist, certainly not for me. Happiness hadn’t lasted through any of my liaisons. No happiness lasting a lifetime didn’t exist. Even Papa’s marriage with Mama had ended in heartbreak.
Eleven years ago tomorrow. I swallowed hard, the knowledge thick in my throat.
My voice was hoarse as I added, “I can’t go tomorrow. I won’t.” If Edwin used my absence as an excuse to declare that he’d won…
“You must.”
Why would Papa insist? I clutched his hand, lying on the table next to his teacup and saucer. “But Mama…”
He squeezed my hand. Looking more tired than ever, he asked, “What do you remember about your mother?”
“Everything.”
Not enough. With every passing year, I seemed to lose more of her. I recalled the way she’d tease me about being too much like my father when I asked for law books as my bedtime stories. The way she always had a fond smile for Papa—no matter how trying a day she’d had, she seemed to brighten the moment she saw him. She’d taught me about being strong in the face of my fears and always following my heart.
“Tomorrow is the day we remember her.” I remembered her every day, some more than others, like the day she’d died, or her birthday two days before mine. “I miss her, Papa.”
He tightened his hold on me, his eyes glimmering with unshed tears. Seeing him so shaken threatened to send me to weeping, too. “I miss her, too. But you must know she’s always in our hearts. You take her with you wherever you go. She wouldn’t want you to miss your engagement party on account of her.”
“It isn’t a real engagement—”
“What if it is, Mary?”
My insides quivered at the question. I didn’t want to consider it.
“It isn’t.”
Papa sighed. “Did I ever tell you about your mother’s and my engagement?”
In answer, I shook my head.
“It was short-lived,” he said, one corner of his mouth lifting in a smirk. “I’d toiled away, saving for months to prove that I could afford the sort of lifestyle your mother deserved. All the while, she and I had precious little time together, a stolen moment here or there. Finally, when I had enough funds to purchase this house, I asked for a private audience with your grandfather and asked him for her hand.”
I frowned. “But Papa—you’re the one who has always told me that I have the right to choose my own lovers, that you don’t own me or my body.”
He chuckled. “I was younger then, and not as wise. Your mother was the person who taught me that, when I confessed to her that night that her father had declined my suit.”
Aside from Old Lady Gladstone, I had no contact with any of Mama’s friends or family in the ton. When I was younger, she’d told me they weren’t worth associating with. As I’d grown older, I’d equated that to mean they were the sort of cruel peers who kept slaves and mistreated their servants. I didn’t know my grandfather, nor had I ever wished to. Had that all been because he hadn’t approved of Mama’s marriage?
Papa continued, “She told me to ask her how she would like to spend her future, not somebody who barely knew her personality, let alone her mind. Would you like to know what she told me?”
I nodded, biting my lip. I didn’t trust myself to speak.
“She said she wanted her future to be with me, starting that very evening by getting into a traveling coach heading to Gretna Green. She was always a bit impulsive, like you.”
She was? I hadn’t known that. I recalled a polite, soft-spoken gentlewoman who faced everyone—man or woman, rich or poor—with the same courtesy.
Papa squeezed my fingers. “She said she wanted to spend the rest of her days with me, with our children.” He laughed, the sound a bit watery from unshed tears. “I remember the year you were born. She waited all day on her birthday, certain that would be the day you would join us in this world. Toward the end of the day, she got more upset at the thought that you would be late. I had to remind her that you had a mind of your own.”
His voice caught and his chin wobbled. Moisture swamped his eyes. When he made no move to brush it away, a tear leaked from the corner of his eye. My eyes burned with unshed tears. I swallowed thickly.
“We had almost fifteen years of happiness.”
“It doesn’t seem long enough.” My voice was hoarse.
Pressing his lips together, he shook his head. “Maybe it wasn’t, my dear. But I’d rather have had those fifteen years with your mother than a hundred with somebody else. And you, my darling—I love you more than words can say.”
“I love you too, Papa.” I swallowed against the lump in my throat. “But what does this have to do with my engagement?”
“If you aren’t happy with this young man, I beg you to call off the engagement and save us all the misery of any misunderstandings that might arise. You don’t need to worry yourself over money, that’s my burden. But, if you are happy…” He paused. For a moment he seemed years away. Then, coming to himself, he removed a handkerchief from his pocket and patted his cheeks. “Listen to your heart, Mary, as your mother would have. Not to your head. Your mother would have wanted you to be happy, even if that happiness isn’t found where you expected.”
I know what I’m doing. I only have four more days. Although I wanted to speak the words aloud, they stuck in my throat. Instead, I asked in a small voice, “What makes you think I’m happy?”
“A woman doesn’t spend her nights at a man’s house if they are always at each other’s throats.” He reached out to caress my cheek, frowning. “And she doesn’t turn to him in her time of need instead of her father.”
The bruises. I’d forgotten I didn’t have powder on them; it had worn off during the night.
I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing at all. My mind was too full of doubts and questions. Was I doing the right thing or was I hurting everyone around me, including myself?
Papa cleared his throat. “It’s been a long time since we spent the day together. What do you say we continue reading that book on Greek law?”
As much as I wanted to say yes, I stood and shook my head. “I can’t today, Papa. I…I think I have to go speak with Edwin.”
Papa’s face fell. “If you think you must. Perhaps I’ll take the afternoon off sometime this week and we can spend it together. I feel as though I’ve been neglecting you of late.”
I’d been waiting for months for him to say that. I missed him so much. I smiled. “I’d like that.”
He smiled back. “It’s settled, then.”
I squeezed his hand, then stood to leave, my mind awhirl. If Edwin supported me, cherished me, and was happy with me…perhaps we’d best discuss extending our arrangement.