Chapter Twenty
The last person I expected to find in my sitting room an hour before supper was Nancy. She held a cup of steaming tea but didn’t sip from it. Her gaze latched onto me the moment I entered the room.
Although I’d been out all day, trying to keep busy as I’d discovered that was the best way to forget about Edwin’s absence for a little while, the moment I saw her, a raw, ragged feeling enveloped my chest. Seeing her reminded me of the last time we’d conversed. Memories of Edwin’s townhouse surged—of him and I nestled next to one another, his arm around me. Of us stealing turnovers when Nancy wasn’t looking. I bit my tongue as I fought not to cry. I missed him.
Gingerly, I crossed to her and sat next to her on the settee. “Is something amiss?” My voice was hoarse. Thankfully, she didn’t comment on that fact.
The blazing red sunlight streamed in through the open window, making her face seem flushed with color. She set her tea down and reached for my hand. Her hands were surprisingly soft.
“You haven’t come to the house lately.”
I eased back with a frown. “I don’t come by every day, and I’ve been busy. Were you expecting me?”
“Of course I was! Our lord has been worrying himself ragged ever since you called off the engagement.”
He called it off, not me.
“Won’t you come and mend fences?”
I retracted my hands from hers, turning away. “I…can’t. I’m sorry.”
Tears pricked at my eyes. It’s the truth. Edwin didn’t want to talk to me. I felt as though I was losing my best friend like I had all those years ago, and I didn’t know how to stop it.
Why couldn’t our friendship be easy, like it had been when we were younger? This business pretending to be engaged, indulging the passion between us when we both knew we shouldn’t, it had poisoned us.
Nancy clasped her hands tight over her middle. “Why not?” Her voice was small, almost defeated. “Don’t you like our lord?”
“Yes.” I grabbed both her hands, squeezing them until she looked me in the eyes. Her eyes were red, as though she, too, battled tears. “I like him a lot. That’s the problem.”
She sniffed and wiped at her eyes, though not a single tear had fallen yet. “What problem is that? You two are perfect for each other.”
I laughed, but the sound was hollow. “The only thing Edwin and I are perfect for is tearing each other apart. We don’t even know how to be friends anymore.”
“That can’t be true. You two have shared some tender moments.”
My cheeks heated. I rubbed at them, trying to banish the extra color. “The only time we are passionate is when we’re fighting. What kind of marriage would that be?”
Marriage? My chest ached at the word. Dear Lord, did I want to marry Edwin? Not the cold lord he’d shown me at times, but the warm, kind-hearted man I knew him to be?
I don’t need a man.
But I wanted him. I feared I was in love with him. Beneath a sullen, high-handed exterior resided the same boy I’d leaned on as a child. The one I knew better than I knew myself. And I missed him. Too much. It hurt. When he couldn’t so much as admit he’d invited me into his bed because of something more than a contract, I’d been afraid to speak the words aloud. In truth, I was still too frightened. That was the real reason why I hadn’t sought him out. If I felt this way and he didn’t…
Nancy reached out to squeeze my leg. “He spoke of ending your engagement.”
So he’d broken it to the household. He’d probably extracted a promise from every last member not to spread any rumors about the nights he and I had shared. If the ton knew, it would trap us into marriage.
I swallowed. “It’s for the best, Nancy. I told you from the start, we don’t suit.”
She lifted her chin. “I disagree.”
I opened my mouth, but she stalled me with a raised hand.
“No, don’t argue. You two are the most stubborn people I have ever had the misfortune of meeting in my life. And you are the best suited people I’ve ever seen.”
“What if you’re wrong? What if we tear each other apart? Think of the atmosphere you’d have to live with in the house. Marriage is…permanent.”
And that was why, although I had fantasies of him stepping through the door again, I hadn’t made any move to enter his home. We might be friends, when the ache in my chest subsided. Right now, I wanted…more.
“Poppycock.”
I jumped at the vehemence in her voice.
Her eyebrows inched lower over her eyes, daring me to argue. “You’d fight, sure. Who doesn’t? But you two will always find your way back to each other. I’ve seen the way you look at each other. That kind of love and passion doesn’t come around twice in a lifetime.”
“Lust?” I shook my head. “Surely you don’t suggest basing a marriage on lust.”
“Not only lust, though trust me, it is an integral part.”
She said it with such authority, I didn’t question her. She’d given birth to Simon at such a young age, I often forgot she had a son. Was that the reason she had never married—or remarried? I didn’t know much of her past at all.
She stood, casting me in shadow as she stepped between me and the window. “Don’t be a fool, Mary. You have to know he loves you, too.”
My chest constricted. Then why hadn’t he said so?
“Who else will you find who accepts and cherishes who you are so completely? He might be the only man in all of England who would never try to change you.”
“If he loves me, why hasn’t he come to visit?”
“He’s waiting for you to come to him, stubborn man.”
Was he? I stared at my hands and bit my lip. “If I marry him, what happens then? Men take me seriously for the moment when I have something to say. If I marry, they won’t take me seriously.”
Is that why I haven’t gone to see him? A flimsy excuse.
Perhaps, but I was grasping at straws. I struggled to breathe.
Nancy answered, “Why? Because you’re happy?” She squeezed my knee. “You’ll be fine, poppet. Your reputation will survive. Trust me on this. The moment you prove you are the same person, it will all be forgotten. And you’ll have something good to come home to, to offset all the ills of the world you take onto your shoulders.”
She was right. I’d never felt so at peace as I had when I’d woken to Edwin’s strong arms around me. Therein lay the problem. It hurt too much to contemplate.
I nibbled on my lower lip. “He still has time to find a nice girl to marry. A demure girl, who likes plants and dotes on him.”
Nancy snorted. “I hope not. He has his nose in his plants enough already, and if anyone else doted on him, his ego wouldn’t fit through the door. He needs you, Mary. No one but you.”
I buried my head in my hands as she left. Did I rely on Edwin in the way she described?
No. I didn’t require him to complete me. But damn if I didn’t want him to support and cherish me when I needed it.
This was a fine time to admit I wanted him in my life in more ways than one, when it might be too late. But I had to try.
I loved Edwin Sutton. Perhaps I always had.