Chapter 4
It was Milan’s tenth week of being pregnant and she hated it already. It had been two and a half months since she had been inseminated with Andre’s sperm and the effects were all there: morning sickness, which despite the name came at any time of day, increased urination, weird food cravings, and fatigue. Having to deal with these imbalances in her body had put a strain in her workdays.
“Great, I’ll have that sent to you right away. Goodbye.” She rushed a client off the phone before shooting up out of her rolling chair and swiftly walking to the bathroom. This was her third bathroom break today and she had only been working for 5 hours.
She pushed the public restroom door open and went into a stall. As she hovered over the toilet to pee, her mind wandered.
In the past two months, Derek and her had been in the same place they started. They had not spoken to one another, they avoided each other, and he made threats to her. She began to well up with tears. It was not the existence she had imagined in all her years and she didn’t want to have to live that way for much longer. The hormones in her body were enraged and restless. They needed someone right now and that’s all they kept reminding her of. She felt a pang in her heart and it was the loneliness she had been experiencing for the past months of her life. She needed to talk to him, in contrary to her belief of the power of silence, because he only understood things in that way. She decided she would have a conversation with him and try to fix the broken pieces in their marriage. She would no longer be a silent prisoner walking on eggshells because of her prison guard husband. There was a time and place for change. Now was the time.
Milan slipped her skirt back up and walked out to the sinks. She washed her hands and looked up at herself in the mirror. She slowly turned to the side and placed her hand on her lower belly. Although there was no sign of it she knew it was there. If she closed her eyes and focused on it she felt it grow and while she ate, she felt how the nutrients slipped down a tube and into the baby. She felt the muscles in her uterus, where the baby formed in her womb, contract and stretch. It was a remarkable feeling. Something she couldn’t explain to someone who hadn’t experienced it before.
She quickly went back out to her desk and searched up a time lapse of pregnancy. She needed to know how long she had left before she’d be showing and would have no choice but to break it to Derek.
It seemed like she could keep the ruse going for about 6 and a half months before it got too obvious. She sighed and made it a mission to repair her marriage in 6 and half months before this pregnancy ultimately tore them apart.
She went back to her work and after thirty minutes her cell phone began to vibrate. She picked it up and it was Andre. A smile crept across her face and she prepared to croon a hello but she was immediately interrupted by some bad news:
“Milan, the doctor just called me. There’s something wrong with the baby.”
*****
Andre placed one hand on Milan’s lower back and the other in her hand. He helped her out of the Lincoln town car slowly watching her every move critically.
“I’m still mobile. You don’t have to help me like this.” She told him and tried to stand up straight without his help.
“I know, but I just want to make sure we’re being very careful about everything.” He helped her as she took her time up the building steps. She was so tired. Her workday was turning into a heavy load when it was once as light as a feather. A doorman held the building door open as they made their way inside.
“Hey, Andre. How’s everything going?” The lobby man asked excitedly as Andre made his way to the elevator. He smiled at the man but had no time for pleasantries. Milan could only imagine what ideas went through the minds of the residents in the building as they watched Andre care for Milan like she was a fragile box of fine china. He led Milan to the elevators, which would take them to the top floor where his penthouse suite was.
Earlier that day, Dr. Gerard called Andre while Milan was at work with an urgent message. It was regarding the ultrasound test from last week. She wanted them to come in to talk about it immediately but the office closed earlier than the time Milan’s shift was over, so the doctor suggested they do a Skype call from her home office, which Andre quickly agreed to.
They entered his house and quickly went to the kitchen. Milan waited for Andre to sit down but he didn’t. He gestured for her to sit down instead as he anxiously stood.
“Everything’s going to be fine, Andre.” Milan comforted him as he quickly pulled open his MacBook. She placed her hand on his shoulder and rubbed it. His whole body was jittering.
“Don’t say that when you can’t be sure.” He said through clenched teeth. The tone of the Skype call started and Andre’s heart ceased to beat. He had no idea what was going to happen.
“Milan, Andre, I’m glad I could get to you.” Dr. Gerard greeted them coldly. She had bad news that was obvious.
“What’s going on Doc?” Milan asked, since Andre seemed to be mute. Dr. Gerard sighed and scratched the crown of her head searching for the words to use.
“Well, it seems like I might have missed something when I did your ultrasound last week. I was concerned with the physical deformities, which there are none and I didn’t listen close enough to the heartbeat. I record all ultrasounds for future reference and as I was reviewing yours I stumbled on a very irregular heart beating pattern.” She explained and looked down at her cell phone. After a second, she began to play the recorded heartbeat up to her laptop’s speaker and that’s when they heard it with their own ears. Instead of, du-dum, du-dum, the heartbeat was rapid and in a pace of four dum-du-du-dum, dum-du-du-dum.
“Whoa…” Milan muttered unable to look back at Andre’s face. She knew he was capable of reactions, right now.
“It sounds like supraventricular tachycardia, yet that isn’t something normally seen in the fetus form of a child’s life. Do you drink caffeine Milan?”
“Yes… I mean, not a lot but I have just because I’ve been so tired lately and I have to work for eight hours.”
“That can affect your child’s heart rate tremendously and the liver of a fetus is not developed to handle caffeine or get rid of it. You can no longer drink caffeine during your pregnancy.”
“I didn’t even realize…” She felt horrible. She wasn’t sure how Andre would react. He’d probably blame her for being the one who ruined his child. He’d probably grow to hate her as much as Derek did.
“Doctor, is there a list maybe that you could make that outlines all of the foods that she can’t have during her pregnancy and the effects of each food to the child?”
“Of course, if you’d like I can email it to you now.”
“That would be perfect, thank you.” Andre told her. The doctor nodded and waved goodbye before ending the call. Milan closed her eyes anticipating screaming or yelling. She braced herself for the worst.
“Are you okay?” Andre asked as he noticed her eyes shut. She opened one and peaked at his face. He was concerned.
“Aren’t you mad at me?” She asked hesitantly. She’d never seen Andre angry before so she wasn’t sure how explosive that would be.
“Why would I be mad at you?” Andre asked staring into Milan’s eyes sincerely. She opened her mouth to speak but words couldn’t come out. She was confused and surprised. Why wouldn’t he be mad? Her carelessness is the reason his baby has an irregular heartbeat. Wasn’t that enough to yell at her? “How were you supposed to know that caffeine would do that to the baby? Plus, if you drank it because you’ve been tired I can’t blame you. I drink coffee just for the hell of it most of the time.”
“But…” Milan was astonished.
“From now on we’ll just make sure you’re more careful with what you eat and if there’s anything you need I’ll always be here for you.” He took her hands in his and stared into her eyes. In that moment, she felt overcome. His immediate forgiveness and ability to resolve the problem with a mature solution was surprising to Milan, she’d never had that happen with Derek before.
“Say something, you’re freaking me out.” He begged and shook her. She smiled and gave him a giggle.
“I’m sorry, I was just expecting a harsher ending.” Milan apologized before standing up from the chair and grabbing her purse. He stood in her way, not moving.
“I told you I would never hurt you. I don’t mean just with this baby. I mean with everything… And that doesn’t just mean physically hurting you, I will not emotionally, psychologically or spiritually hurt you, Milan.” He told her looking into her eyes with the kind of honesty that shook her stiff.
“Thank you.” It was the only thing she thought to say. Andre had turned out to be the most amazing man she knew. He embraced her in a hug and she tried her hardest not to cry onto his chest.
“I’ll get you home, I wouldn’t want you to be too late for Derek.” Andre told her and helped her to his car outside.
*** **
Milan pushed her key in the lock and the door flew open. Derek was dressed in a crisp t-shirt and a pair of jeans. She smiled up at him and he returned her smile with a harsh glare.
“I was hoping I could talk to you tonight.” She told him as he tried to walk around her. He noticed Andre’s car sat at the curb waiting for Milan to get into the house.
“Oh you were with Andre… I should’ve guessed. You two are always together.”
“He’s one of my only friends or at least the only one who calls me often.” She explained placing her hand on his chest and trying to push him back into the house. He didn’t move but rolled his eyes. He decided he’d give her a chance to speak.
“I don’t have a lot of time I’m meeting up with my boys.” He told her as she closed the door behind her and slipped off her coat.
“That’s okay, I won’t be too long then.” She smiled and gestured for him to sit down. He hesitated but did anyway. She took a seat next to him and held out her hand. He looked at it and then, he looked back up to her face.
“What are you up to?” He asked with a slightly amused smirk on his face. She sighed and let her hand fall back into her lap.
“Derek, I just wanted to see if we could get back on the same page. But to do that, I need to know what page you’re on first…” She began and stared into his eyes. It was obvious he didn’t really want to have this conversation but he knew he had to. He took a deep breath and finally grabbed her hand.
“Milan, I can’t say we’re on the same page… Hell, we’re probably not even reading the same book. I’m a man who has felt less of a man for far too long now.”
“What makes you feel less of a man?”
“Everything, Milan. From the way you talk to me, the way you flaunt your office job as if you’re curing cancer, and the way you’d rather watch crime-dramas then fuck me.”
“That’s all a lie. I’ve never wanted to watch crime dramas more than I wanted to have sex, but when you’re being rude and nasty I don’t really want to have sex with you.”
“You see? That’s what I’m talking about! You talk to me like a child. I’m rude and nasty? Why don’t you come up with more specifics?” He questioned and let go of her hand forcibly. She raised her eyebrows but then blinked.
“You tell me things that hurt my confidence…” She tried to be more specific. Any more details and she’d probably start crying.
“Maybe because you have too damn much of it.” Derek spat back.
“And that’s a bad thing?” Milan raised her voice. Her confidence was no excuse for the nasty words that left Derek’s mouth constantly.
“It is a bad thing… When there’s a man right under your nose going through some self-esteem issues himself.”
“Derek…” Milan tried to grab for his hand again but instead he popped off the couch. He was flustered and upset that he had to tell her he was struggling with a self-esteem issue. For a man, insecurities were one of the things he never spoke about – second to trimming his pubic hairs.
“I packed on thirty pounds ever since we got married. I don’t even get looks on the street from women anymore. If I didn’t wear my wedding ring for a week it wouldn’t even matter, Milan. I've been busting my ass to work and make as much as the senior administrator in this marriage and it’s only been stressing me out. I’ve been drinking to relieve stress and then you won't have sex with me so I go and drink more. I apologize if I let a nasty word slip out once or twice but it’s not like you’re an angel.” Derek expressed.
“No one ever said I was an angel. It doesn’t take an angel to make a marriage work.”
“It doesn’t take a mind reader to see that neither of us are happy here.”
“We’re not happy yet… It just takes compromise and understanding.” She said with a hopeful smile.
“Oh really? You’ve never given me those courtesies.”
“I never knew I was making you feel that way, Derek… If that’s the only problem between us we could’ve just talked it out a long time ago. I mean, really talking instead of you screaming at me all the time.”
“You just don’t know how to stop being a condescending bitch, do you?” He said through clenched teeth before turning to the door and storming out.
“Derek!” She shouted after him and into the night. He took steps down the porch without turning around. She fell onto her knees and watched as he went down the block waving his hand for a taxi. Her jaw dropped and she furrowed her eyebrows. She couldn’t even think of what she said wrong.
“Great talk.” She mumbled and stood up to shut the door. There was no way she could believe it would be that bad. She was attentive and responsive. She showed compassion and made sure she wasn’t too sassy or accusatory, but it still wasn’t enough and he still didn’t want to try to sit down and make things work.
She threw her head back against the couch and closed her eyes tightly. So many tears were fighting to fall out beneath her eyelids and down her cheeks. ‘Maybe it’s over.’ She thought and that only made her erupt into more tears.
There was nothing left for her to do but wait. In time he would leave, but she wasn’t going to be the one to push him.
*****
Milan dozed off on the couch and remained asleep until the front door was pushed open. She fluttered her eyelids open and took a look at the man who walked in.
“Derek?” She said, unable to make out the shadow in the dark house. He walked over to her without saying a word but she recognized the cologne and smell of whiskey on him. It had to be her husband.
“Where did we go wrong?” He asked sitting down on the couch. Milan scooted her feet up and pulled her knees up to her chest. She was disoriented and wasn’t completely prepared to voice her reasoning. Derek waited for her answer in silence.
“Maybe, we grew apart.” She suggested; she hadn’t really thought about it herself but it was a plausible reason. Many couples whom married very young grew apart because they had not yet experienced all of life. Without many vital adult experiences they change before the other partner can keep up. It’s very common.
“Maybe…” He sighed and dropped his head against the couch. Milan reached her hand out to comfort him and she rubbed his shoulder. “Do you think there’s anything left? Maybe, we can repair it somehow?”
“Of course we can.” She smiled hopefully. A silence fell over them and the air conditioning became a steady noise in the background. Milan stopped rubbing his shoulder and he looked over at her.
“Hey, why’d you stop?” He asked. She smirked and tried not to laugh – a nervous thing she did sometimes when she had something on her mind.
“I was just thinking… What do you think about love? Is it a commitment or just a feeling?”
“It’s a feeling for sure. It’s a feeling that comes and goes. If you’re lucky it’ll come and stay for a while.” Derek answered with no hesitation. Milan began to rub his shoulder again and faked a smile. His answer wasn’t satisfying. It was barely even an answer. It hadn’t been thought out as much as she had thought about it.
Love was a complicated debate and the way Derek made it seem so simple had finally opened her eyes: it wasn’t going to work out.
Two completely different minded individuals couldn’t share the same love. Derek and her were proof that eventually the mind takes over and all attraction can be lost. There was no way love was that simple and it scared her to think she was married to a man who thought it was.
In that moment, Derek touched her thigh and she watched as he proceeded to make his move on her. It had been so long since she had sex with him and it was impossible for her to feel the way she once did about it. She laid back on the couch and allowed him to get on top of her. She felt as if it was the least she could do. Since he complained about not getting it all the time.