Chapter 1
Is love a feeling or a commitment? Milan had pondered this question for years, more so recently than ever.
She typed out the final sentence of the company report trying to distract herself from the feeling of her world crumbling at her feet.
“It’s 6 o’clock, Milan. Everyone else has gone home already.” Mr. Fields, the head of the On Your Way to Wellness counseling center headquarters, said to her.
“It’s 6 already? I guess I just couldn’t stop myself.” She lied. She knew she was well into overtime, but she didn’t want to go home. Mr. Fields furrowed his brows at her and could detect the dishonesty in her voice. He didn’t press her though.
“Just remember to lock the doors before you leave.”
“Will do.” She smiled and returned back to the word document on her screen. She stared at it and found comfort in the silence around her.
In the silence she always heard the most. Derek, her husband who she’d known for 13 years of her life, never understood that. He tended to think shouting and criticizing harshly was the way to discover someone’s true feelings and intentions. As well as get his point across.
Milan sighed as she sent the report via email to the higher-ups and packed her tote purse preparing to leave. She couldn’t hide in her office all day, no matter how badly she wanted to.
She locked her office door and made rounds around the building to make sure all the doors were closed. Suddenly, her phone began to vibrate and alert her of an incoming call. It was from Derek.
She shut her eyes and prepared herself for what he had to say.
“Hell-”
“Where the fuck are you?” He shouted into the receiver interrupting Milan. She breathed to steady herself.
“I’m running a little late. I’ve been at the office finishing a report.” She told him. It was the truth.
“Get your ass home.” He whispered through clenched teeth and hung up abruptly. She nodded accepting. He was much nicer than normal on that call.
***
Andre Hausman was a billionaire at birth. His family owned The Haus and Hospitality Corporation, a company that owned a chain of five-star hotels along the east coast. Ever since he could remember he had been followed by paparazzi, invited to the hottest parties, and annually vacationed in the Hampton's. He was a proper socialite and it wasn’t a stretch to say he was a well-known face in New York.
“You didn’t dance with any of the girls that came up to you last night man. What’s wrong?” Justin Bartlett, Andre’s wingman and party-companion asked concerned. Andre sat at the bar table and kept his lip pressed to the straw of his mojito.
“If you ate the same shit everyday you’d be tired of it too.” Andre answered taking a look through the emails his assistant forwarded to his phone.
He was a man who got anything he wanted. Women flocked to him naturally and even more so because of his money. He was 30 years old and most men in his position wouldn’t give up that life for anything. Andre was different. Women had used him for his money, not that he didn’t use them for their body, for all of his life. He longed for the one thing it seemed he could never get: “real love” with an honest wife with whom he can start a family.
“Dude, don’t tell me you’re going soft. You know they have pills for that kind of thing? You don’t even have to really enjoy the women anymore.” Justin spewed before chuckling at himself. Andre crumpled his eyebrows and gave him a look of disgust.
“That has got to be the most vile thing I’ve ever heard you say.” Andre laughed with him until he looked out the window and noticed a woman. His laughter stopped as he tried to get her attention. Her hair flowed past her shoulders in a big, tightly-curled bundle of locks, her full lips were stained with red lipstick, the sun shone against her radiating dark skin, and her big deer-like brown eyes noticed sharp movement to her left. She glanced into the restaurant where Andre was sitting at the bar waving at her insanely. She took a moment to recognize who it was and by the gleam of his smile and those deep dimples she couldn’t mistake the man, it was her best friend: Andre Hausman.
Milan opened the door to the bar and stared at him with the biggest smile she’d had all day. He tended to pop up when she needed a distraction the most. Andre was good at that. Whenever they hung out together she felt 18 again: her mind filled with big ideas and visions of a future with the man of her dreams. But, as he knows more than her family or any other friends, her dreams didn’t exactly come true. After marrying Derek, it seemed like a lot of the big dreams she had were placed on the back burner to collect dust and dry up like a raisin in the sun. Andre always listened to her troubles and if he couldn’t offer encouragement he offered his silence. Once again, it spoke louder than any words he could have ever said.
“Excuse me, this is a private section of the bar.” A bartender with a bow tie told Milan. He stared at her almost repulsively as if he wanted her to leave.
“How is it private when I can see everything from the window outside?” Milan asked quickly. Andre laughed, the kind of loud boisterous laugh only Milan could get out of him and waved the bartender away.
“Milan, my darling. How are you?” He greeted her, hopping off of his bar stool and into her arms. She wrapped her arms lovingly around his neck and pressed into him. He was great at hugs.
“I feel like I’m walking to my own hell, honestly. How are you? Hey Justin.” She smiled at his friend. They had met once or twice in chance encounters with Andre but they weren’t friends. Considering he wasn’t genuinely a friend of Andre’s either, he just kept him company.
“You know me, fine living life.” He smirked, knowing she could detect the lie in his voice. He just wasn’t prepared to say what was on his mind out loud with Justin there. “Why are you walking anyway? They have cabs here for a reason.”
“Really? I never knew that’s what those cabs were for.” Milan responded sarcastically. He chuckled and his dimple surfaced from his left cheek.
“No really. It’s almost dark out, you really shouldn’t be walking.” He said turning to grab his cell phone off the bar and place it in his pocket. He gave Justin a gesture that he was leaving.
“Wait, dude, are you coming to the Booze and Boobs party tonight?” Justin asked grabbing Andre’s arm and staring him down.
“Booze and Boobs. I swear these names get more and more clever every year.” Milan said causing them to laugh in unison. Justin pouted and let go of Andre’s arm.
“Oh, I see, it’s one of those days when you decide to disappear with your little girlfriend. By all means, don’t let me stand in your way.”
“She’s not my little girlfriend, Justin but with the way you’re acting I think you might be jealous.” He teased his friend and made Milan laugh. This was the dynamic between them two. When they were together it didn’t matter about anyone else. They knew how to make each other laugh and have fun.
“Let me drive you home. It’s the least I can do now that I’ve kept you here for all this time.” Andre placed his arm around Milan and smiled at her charmingly. She sighed; usually she’d say no but why not? She could at least have the most distractions possible before reality slaps her in the face.
They exited the restaurant and Andre walked over to the valet, telling him to bring the car to the front. Milan scrolled through the ten missed calls and texts she received from Derek. He was possessive and Milan did not have the energy to entertain his angry fits. She ignored them and placed her phone back in her purse.
“Was that Derek?” Andre asked as he lay against the restaurant wall next to her. She shrugged.
“What else do I have a phone for? I mean, you barely ever text me.”
“You know how Derek feels about me. I just don’t need to be the reason he yells at you too.”
“Trust me, he’s not worried about you as much as he’s worried about the fact that I work too much, I don’t pamper him, I don’t fuck him, etcetera. He has enough reasons to hate me. A text from you will not be one of them.” She assured him. He watched as her face softened and her eyes glossed over to the side.
“Milan, you know, no one has a reason to hate you right? You shouldn’t think that way. You’re a great person.”
“Thanks upchuck.” She responded unable to sincerely take the compliment. Especially when everyday she heard the complete opposite from the man who was supposed to love her unconditionally. Once again she thought, ‘is love a feeling or a commitment?’
“You were always bad at taking compliments. Remember the first time we hung out and you wore high waist shorts and I was like ‘damn girl won’t you back that thang up on me’ and you punched me in the face.”
“Yes, because that wasn’t a compliment.” She said playfully punching him in the arm. He winced and grabbed on to it feigning pain.
“I still think it’s the nicest thing I’ve ever told you.” He frowned. She giggled, showcasing her pearly white teeth against her mocha-pink colored lips. He licked his lips and looked her up and down. She was a beautiful woman. He’d always known that.
Her face was pristine and clear like a doll. Her body would put an hourglass to shame with curves he’d never experienced before.
The valet passed Andre the keys to his Maserati and held out a hand for a tip. Andre pulled out a fifty-dollar bill and slipped it into his gloved hand. The valet smiled and thanked Andre immensely.
Andre held the door for Milan and watched as she slipped in. He got into the drivers side and placed the keys in the ignition, which started the car.
Milan placed her head against the window and watched the sun disappear behind the New York skyline. She could only imagine what she would be walking into tonight.
“You know if anything happens I’m always going to be here for you. Right?” Andre asked placing a hand on her shoulder as he drove down the streets. She sighed and nodded.
“Thank you.” She told him before setting her head back against window and letting the cool air soothe her. It was difficult for her to evaluate her own situation. She was never the kind of person to stay put when something wasn’t to her liking but she knew there was no one else she could or wanted to be with.
****
Milan shut the door of the Maserati behind her and turned to walk up the porch steps of her town home. Andre honked his horn, startling her to turn back around.
“Good luck.” He told her with a weak smirk. He knew there was no amount of luck that would calm Derek.
“Thanks.” She smiled at him genuinely.
“We need to have dinner soon. I miss you.”
“Definitely, I miss you too.” She said waving goodbye and finally making her way into the house she shared with Derek as Andre’s Maserati revved away.
“Let me guess, you ran into someone on your way home? Or maybe, you got held up even longer at the office?” Derek greeted her with a glass of scotch in his hand. He sat in the living room with his legs crossed angrily and a single light from the lamp shining down on him. This was a very typical scene in their household. Derek was far too involved in Milan’s whereabouts. Milan rolled her eyes and slipped her heels off her feet.
“Get a grip Derek. It’s always the same mess with you.” Milan said as she walked across the living room and towards the stairs. She tried to ignore him for as long as she could.
“Don’t you walk up those stairs before telling me why you’re home this late and ignored my calls and messages.” He instructed her. His voice was icy and everything he said sounded like a threat. She closed her eyes and fought her urge to rebel against him. The less trouble she caused the quicker it would all end. The more she clashed with him the more he felt it was acceptable to conflict with her.
Derek was obsessed with confrontation. Any little thing that happened required a full analysis and discussion from him, even if his points weren’t articulate and he just sounded like an angry man yelling at the wind.
“What do you want me to say? Yes, Derek, I did run into someone. It was Andre. I ignored your calls and texts because I didn’t want to have an argument with you while I was around other people. You know we have a relationship that a lot of people would kill for.” Milan explained in her charming, smart-ass way. It was as much of the truth as she was willing to offer him. He took a last swig of his alcohol and set the cup down on the coffee table. He took slow, menacing steps towards her and she steadied her breathing.
Derek wasn’t a violent man but he was abusive. He had a way to make the words he said cut into her, like he stabbed her with a knife – a knife of her insecurities.
“Andre again? I don’t know how many times I have to tell you to stop being a charity case. Ever since that one time you met him in high school you’ve been latching on to him nonstop. That man only remains friends with you so he can say he’s humble and has friends from Brooklyn.” He told her. She turned her head to avoid the smell of alcohol that dripped from his lips. He was already volatile and it just got worse when he drank.
He towered over her by at least 5 inches. His body was wide but not fat. He used to workout and maintain a fit physique but for the past few years he’d given up.
“That’s not true.” Milan mumbled taking a step back and being stopped by the wall. He smirked and leaned close to her. His nose was an inch away from touching hers. He placed his hands on either side of her on the wall and took a moment to stare into her eyes. She flicked them open and close as the breath from his nose shot directly at her.
“You don’t know how men see you, do you? They look at you and all they see is a body they would love to get their hands on.”
“I don’t believe that.” Milan softly responded, and sheepishly looked up at his face. He was seemingly outraged.
“You don’t believe that? Are you stupid? I’m a man telling you that all men look at you for your body.” He repeated comically.
“You don’t look at me for my body… You won’t even touch me anymore.” She pouted. Her bottom lip began to quiver. Flashbacks of the way things used to be filled her mind. It was as if everything they once had burned up in a fire that neither of them had meant to start. He chuckled and took a step back from her.
“What’s that supposed to mean? First of all, you stopped having sex with me first. Second of all, you know we aren’t how we used to be Milan. I can’t get attached like that with you anymore. It’ll just get us to thinking everything is okay and then we’ll grow to hate each other again. I don’t want to go back and forth with you.”
“Hate each other? I don’t hate you. I’ve never even said I didn’t love you.”
He was silent and his eyes cast down to the floor as he tried to find a response for Milan’s words. She nodded and let out a soft giggle of surprise.
“You hate me don’t you? I always told you silence is louder than words.” She said before sprinting up the staircase and into the bedroom. Something in her hoped he would’ve chased her up the steps and told her to stop so he could explain himself but she knew that was far from the people they had become.
She shut the bedroom door behind her and face planted into the soft plush sheets. Her tears stuck to her face as she cried silently into the bed.
Minutes later, her cell phone rang and she felt immobile. She had no energy to answer it. She let it ring and continued to cry. But, the phone rang again and again. Each time she didn’t answer it seemed like a few seconds would pass before it rang again.
She finally decided to check the phone as she knew if she didn’t soon Derek would grow suspicious and question who it was himself. She sat up and turned on the screen. It was Andre calling. She immediately called him back and didn’t even have time to sniffle before he answered the phone on the first ring.
“Milan?”
“Yeah, what’s up?” She asked. It was unusual for Andre to call so many times, especially in a row. He chuckled nervously.
“I’m sorry. I know calling like this is so out of character for me but you just seemed so torn about having to go home. I just wanted to make sure everything was going okay with you.”
“Of course. You know Derek’s never laid a hand on me. That’s not the kind of person he is.” Milan defended her husband. As much as she was at odds with him she didn’t want anyone to think it was that bad because it wasn’t, physically many other women had it worse.
“I know but he does say hurtful things to you. You remember what I told you right? You’re a great person. He fell in love with that person in the first place and you two have just been through something and he’s lost touch with that person he fell in love with, but I see that person every time I talk to you. Remember that.” He spoke so softly and lovingly with her. She blushed and smiled. She took the hem of her skirt between her fingers and kicked her feet like a child.
“Thank you, Andre. That means a whole lot to me right now. I think you’re an extremely great person too. For you to hang out with a simple girl from Brooklyn for this long is admirable.” She expressed subconsciously referring to herself the way Derek had done earlier. She tended to do that a lot, whenever Derek spoke she tended to take things to heart. Andre furrowed his eyebrows and a confused expression sat on his face.
“What? Milan, you are not a simple girl from Brooklyn. You’re a woman who I know and appreciate in my life. You know, probably better than anyone else, that all the females I’ve been with were just little girls. They’re immature and they use people. You’re the only female I know who isn’t a simple gold digger or a simple-minded, lazy person. You have my best interests at heart and I don’t even remember a time you made a big deal about the fact that I’m a billionaire.”
“You’re a billionaire? You must be kidding right?” Milan questioned sarcastically. They both laughed in unison and Andre couldn’t stop complimenting her.
“You see even when you got shit going on you still find a way to make me laugh.”
“I think you’re a funny person. You literally just bragged about yourself being a billionaire.” She teased him. He laughed before taking a deep breath and taking a moment to appreciate her presence and friendship. He never wanted to ruin that.
Justin had arrived at his house and he was ready to go to the Booze and Boobs party event in Manhattan. Andre acknowledged him with a nod and realized it was time to get off the phone with Milan.
“I love you, Milan. I got to go.” Andre told her sincerely and awaited her response.
“Enjoy your Booze and Boobs.” She joked before hanging up and lying onto her back with a smile across her face.
She forgot how quiet her house was and how loud she probably was laughing and joking with Andre. She gulped and took silent breaths waiting for Derek to climb up the stairs and share his two cents. But, nothing happened. He remained down stairs. The silence of the house crept into her and slowly made her numb. He didn't said another word to her that night.