Zoe
My head is still spinning, I’m dizzy, and I can’t get out of bed.
I would have described you, too.
I’ve replayed the moment over and over to the point I barely slept last night. No matter how many times I opened and closed my eyes, the only thing I could picture was Dylan.
His nervous yet confident words flowed in one ear, lit me on fire, and never escaped my heart. All the not-so-subtle comments he’s been making made sense and I realized my best friend, my Dylan, might want me as much as I want him.
I’ve tried to ignore my feelings, doing everything in my power to convince myself that if it didn’t work for Dylan and Keely, surely it wouldn’t work with us.
We’re twins.
Sisters.
Best friends who fight about everything.
But I’m reminded that Keely and I are two different people. Anyone who knows us can see that with little effort.
Different or not, there’s still one little fact I can’t overlook. Okay, a couple.
Why did Dylan pick Keely first?
What did he see in her that he couldn’t find in me?
And if he knows me so well, why can’t he just tell me how he feels?
Last night was the closest he’s ever come to admitting the truth, and now with winter break on our heels, there’s plenty of time for him to change his mind. Like every other year, his family will spend part of the holiday at the cabin, and then he’ll come back to town and expect to see me. As confused as I am, I’ll let him, because I can’t spend Christmas without Dylan.
But this year, I can’t wait a week to talk to him. I can’t live another day in limbo, and I need to get out of bed and dial his number.
Maybe it’s a sign from Mom because before I press his name in my list of contacts, Keely barrels into my room. I’ve been so preoccupied I never locked the door after Dylan left. Or bothered to set my alarm clock.
She pauses when she notices I’m still in bed. “Why aren’t you ready to leave? You’re always ready.”
“Give me a minute to shower.”
“Are you sick?”
“I’m fine. Just stayed up too late.” I grab my towel and hurry toward the showers before she makes sense of my strange mood.
She follows me and if I can’t get her off my back, I’ll end up blabbing more than I’m ready to admit. Keely can’t know about Dylan—ever.
“Zo, what’s going on?”
“Nothing. I was packing and lost track of time. Before I knew it, I was up half the night.”
“Oh, okay,” she says in a nervous tone. “I thought maybe Chaz stopped by, but I guess he’s waiting until we’re home to talk to you.”
“Talk to me? He knows better than to show up unannounced.” The last time he did, I sent him away without even opening the door. I was too nervous and scared to have a conversation.
That was before I gained confidence and had an arsenal of tactics to keep him away. You don’t mess with a future doctor who loves chemistry.
Twenty minutes later, I’m showered, dressed, and rolling my suitcase behind me. Keely still isn’t saying a lot, and she looks like she was partying all night. The dark circles and puffy eyes give her away.
We only make it to the elevators before she breaks down. “Zoe,” she says as she sniffles. “I messed up. And you’ll be mad about it.”
At least once a week Keely screws up. That’s why I rub her back and let her get everything out. She won’t be able to move on until she does. “What happened this time?”
“Don’t say it like that,” she groans.
“Like what?”
“Like, I’m always screwing up.” She leans against the elevator wall and closes her eyes. For a minute I think she doesn’t want to talk about it. Two seconds later, she’s glaring.
“What?”
“It’s all your fault. Why did you do that to Chaz?”
“My fault?” I don’t have a clue what she’s accusing me of, but I fight her on it anyway, because that’s what we do. She blames me and I plead my case. “I was in my room packing all night.”
“If you would have given him a chance, I wouldn’t have been alone with him last night. But you think you’re too good for him, and now everything’s all messed up.” She rubs her palm over her breast bone like she’s in physical pain.
The elevator doors part on the lobby level and I roll my bag around her because I did nothing wrong. I’m sure of it.
I turn around when I realize she’s lagging, unable to put one foot in front of the other. Once she catches up, I guide her toward the car. “Keely, I love you, but someday you’ll need to take responsibility for your actions and stop blaming me.”
Dylan told me to stand up for myself. I figure today is a good day to start, but my words only make her cry harder. The gentle flow of tears morphs into sobs until she’s shaking.
“What’d you do?” I ask her as calmly as possible.
“C-Chaz. I did Chaz.”
“You didn’t.” I want to ask her what she was thinking. I’m even curious if it was any good. Does she like him? Because if my sister wants Chaz, I’ll stop saying bad things about him. I might even help her.
“Were you drunk?”
She shakes her head and stares at the ground in shame. “I wish we were drunk. At least then there’d be a logical explanation, but we both knew what we were doing.”
I open the car door and help Keely into the seat. Crouching down in front of her, I hand her a tissue. “So let me get this straight. You wanted to have sex with him. He wanted to have sex with you, but it was the worst mistake of your life?”
“Yes, Zoe. The absolute worst decision I’ve ever made.”
“Why?”
“It was a bad decision because I like him,” she says in the dreamiest voice I’ve ever heard. Keely doesn’t do dreamy. “Really, really like him.”
“It’s okay to like him.”
“Is it?”
“Yes, but why did you throw him at me if you wanted to date him yourself?”
“Because I like him,” she says again, like she’s telling me the world is round and the sky is blue.
My head’s spinning, and it’s only ten o’clock in the morning. “I’m not following. When you like someone, don’t you want to keep them for yourself?”
At least that’s how I feel about Dylan. God, I can’t believe I’m thinking that, but I am.
“I’m me, Zoe. I don’t fall in love. I fall in lust a million times a year.”
“Then we need to change that. As soon as we get home, find Chaz and tell him how you feel. Chances are, he’ll feel the same way. You slept together.”
“I wish it were that easy, Zo, but guys hook up all the time without wanting more. It’s how their species operate.”
“He’ll want more,” I tell her. “He will.” I can’t tell if I’m trying to convince myself or her, because my life is just as crazy.
Will Dylan want to keep me? Or is this just about sex?
“You’re the only person I’d want as a twin, Zoe. You’re the best big sister ever.”
“I’m only three minutes older than you.”
“Those three minutes were precious. You took every good brain cell with you.”
She doesn’t give herself enough credit. If she studied as much as I do, she’d be going to medical school, too.
“Are you ready to go?” I ask her, hoping we can get on the road before the traffic gets too heavy.
“Yeah, but there’s one tiny detail I left out. It could be a game changer.”
“What’s that?”
“Well, the sex was amazing. Like off the charts in every way possible.”
“Okay, what’s the problem then?”
“When he came, he called me Zoe. He yelled your name instead of mine.”