Chapter Twenty-Three
“You can’t be serious,” Amanda sputtered.
“I’m dead serious,” Nick said, staring back at her, realizing with a jolt he absolutely meant it. “I don’t want this to end. We’re great together. Long-distance relationships suck. Move to Miami, sweetheart.”
“Just like that.” Her voice was strangely calm, a contrast to the growing excitement he felt.
“Yeah! I just got promoted. I can’t leave now. You’re a per diem nurse. You can find work anywhere.” The more he thought about it, the more sense it made. They could do this—they could make it work.
“Never mind the fact that I already have a job here I’m not done with,” she said. “Or the fact that the patient in question means a lot to me, and has become attached to me as well, and he’s going to need my services again very soon. And when he does, I’ll be working with him for months. Or the fact that I have a good standing relationship with a great hospital, should I need to go back to regular shift work in the future.”
“Those are all valid points.” He paused, mind scrambling. A moment ago, he’d felt like he was getting through to her, but now . . . she just looked pissed off. “Okay, so don’t move to Miami next week. But maybe in a few months, when Myles is better—”
“I have friends and family here, Nick,” she said. Color bloomed on her cheeks, the spots of pink another warning. “I have a life.”
“You’re the one always saying you don’t have a life,” he reminded her. “So would it be that hard to consider moving, starting over somewhere new? With a guy who’s in love with you? I am, Amanda. I’m so in love with you I can’t think straight.”
Her eyes widened and her lips parted. He’d shocked her with that last part. He’d shocked himself too. He hadn’t meant to tell her like that, just blurt it out that way. But desperate times called for desperate measures, and maybe now she’d see how serious he was about this.
She gaped at him for a long moment, then said quietly, “You need to leave.”
Now it was his turn to be shocked. “Excuse me?”
“Go. Just go.” She turned away and went to the door, opening it for him.
His gut started churning, nerves on red alert. “Did you hear what I said?”
“Every word. Every manipulative, thoughtless, selfish word.” Her face flushed, hot pink flooding her pale skin as her eyes narrowed on him.
He blinked, stunned speechless for a long moment. Then he said, “Telling you I love you is manipulative, thoughtless, and selfish?”
“When you do it as a means to an end? Absolutely.”
“Are you serious?”
“As a heart attack.” Her hand went to her cocked hip. “How convenient that you tell me you love me for the first time as you’re trying to convince me to do something you want. Something as big as walking away from my whole life here.”
“Let me get this straight,” he said, feeling his heart rate rise. “I tell you I love you and you think I’m trying to manipulate you?”
“You are!” she cried, hurling the words at him. “And either you meant to, which is despicable, or you didn’t mean to, which is troubling at best, but still fucked up. Either way, you need to get out of my sight right now.”
This was going to hell fast. His stomach twisted harder as he saw the steel in her eyes. “No! No, we need to talk about this.”
“Why should I? According to you, I have no life,” she spat. “Nothing worth staying here for. I should be thankful that a big, gorgeous guy like you wants to save me from my nonexistent, boring world. I should just throw everything to the wind and move a thousand miles away, where I know no one and have nothing in place, just so you can keep getting laid. Because you love me. You love me so much you don’t give a shit about me or anything in my life, only what I can do for you.”
He swore under his breath. Christ, had he messed this up. He’d never seen her so angry, and he’d seen her pretty mad. How could he fix this, make her see? “None of that is true. I want you to move a thousand miles away,” he said, “because I’m in love with you and the thought of not being with you has me tied up in knots. You can find work—I know you can. I know we could be happy.”
She just kept glaring at him.
“By the way, I can get laid any time, by anyone. But I—”
“Congratulations.”
“Goddamn it, you didn’t let me finish. That’s not what I want. I want only you. I want us, together.”
“Then you move here,” she countered.
“I can’t,” he said. “I just started my new job a few weeks ago. If I put in for a transfer now, I don’t know that I’d be the same rank. I don’t—”
“But you have family here,” she pointed out. “You already know people here. I don’t know a goddamn soul in Florida. Do you care? I don’t think so.”
Shit, this was bad. “Amanda. Stop. Listen to me.”
“I think I’ve heard enough.” Her knuckles went white on the doorknob.
“I just want—”
“I, I, I. Do you even hear yourself, Nick? It’s always about you.”
All the air left his chest. She might as well have kicked him in the stomach.
“This was fun, what we had,” she said. “So good, and too fast. I got caught up in it too. But to give up my life and move somewhere new, with a man who didn’t even think through what that would mean for me? Who throws out a serious, life-changing idea on a whim? Who never tells me he loves me until he uses it to manipulate me? I deserve better than that.” Her voice was flat, but her eyes glowered with outrage. “Please go now. I mean it.”
His head whirred, his heart hammered, and all he could do was stare at her. Holy shit, how had this gone so wrong so fast? “Baby, please. I’m not trying to manipulate you. I love you. I may not have thought this through properly, but that’s because I—”
“I, I, I, again!” she said. “All. About. You.”
He hissed out an exhale as his stomach flipped over, as frustration and anger overtook him. His hands curled into fists. “You, Amanda Kozlov, mean more to me than you can imagine.” He stuffed his fists into his pockets. “You are beautiful and kind, smart and sexy, fierce as fucking hell. You take care of a deathly ill child and master it. You took care of me even when I was a dick to you.” He speared her with his gaze, hoping he was getting through to her. She didn’t look away, so he barreled on. “You give so much of yourself. You have a quick, razor-sharp sense of humor that makes me laugh all the time. I don’t just love you, I like you. I like being with you, even when we do nothing but lie around. Hell, especially when we just lie around. But know what else there is about you?”
He stepped closer, his heart thumping. “For all your tough talk, I think you’re afraid. I think you love me too and you’re afraid to admit it. I’ve tried to talk about what comes next for us several times this week, and you shut me down. Just like you’re shutting me down right now. That’s what’s driving this argument. You.” He pointed a finger at her, punctuating his words. “You. Are. Scared.”
“Fine! I do love you,” she said, and tears sprung to her eyes. “And yes, that scares me.” She cleared her throat, sniffed hard. “And it doesn’t matter. Because if you think we’re only fighting right now because of me, this won’t work. So we’re done. Good-bye, Nick.” Her voice broke on good-bye.
He lurched toward her, but she held out a hand and barked, “Don’t.”
“Please,” he said, urgency flooding him. “You—”
“Good-bye, Nick.”
“If you love me too, don’t do this. Dammit, Amanda—”
“Good-bye, Nick.” She ground out the words from between her teeth, a last warning, like if he didn’t leave right then she’d go ballistic. Her glassy-eyed glare was blistering.
His mind raced as wildly as his heart. She’d totally shut down, that was clear. But he couldn’t just leave. He didn’t know how she could tell him she loved him and throw him out at the same time. He didn’t know anything right now.
“This can’t be over,” he said, searching her eyes for a hint of an opening.
“It is,” she said, not moving, not giving him anything.
His heart dropped to his stomach. Nothing made sense; it was all chaos and waves and white noise. Swearing under his breath, he stormed out. Even halfway down the hallway, the sound of the door closing behind him made misery shoot through him, stealing his breath.
* * *
Nick didn’t give up on anything he cared about without a hell of a fight. For the next few days, he called Amanda every day, texted every day—but calls went to voice mail and texts went unanswered. He didn’t bother going to her apartment building, because he knew she wouldn’t buzz him in past the lobby. There was no way to reach her. She’d barricaded herself. In full-blown “turtle mode,” as she herself had called it.
He tried not to go crazy. He took walks and took naps. He got visits from a different sibling each day. They’d been really great about keeping him in the loop about Myles’s progress and checking on him; he had to admit it. He liked this group more every day. But he still had plenty of time alone to think about what had happened. Time to realize what a complete selfish asshole he’d been.
Amanda was absolutely right; he hadn’t taken her life into consideration when he’d asked her to move. She’d often made cracks about how she had no life, how it centered around the job with Myles. . . . He’d taken that a little too literally. Of course she had roots in New York, but even if she didn’t, a cross-country move was a huge decision, not to be taken lightly or made on a whim. What the hell had he been thinking, dropping it on her the way he had? The answer was simple: he hadn’t been thinking. He’d gotten carried away and done it all wrong. And that pricked him with self-loathing every time he replayed their fight in his mind.
But dammit, he’d been right about two crucial things: that she loved him too, and that it scared her to death. He understood how loving him smashed every self-protective rule she’d put carefully into place. Which was why she’d run like hell. Combine that with his colossal screw-up, and things looked bleak.
He didn’t want to give up on her, but if she wouldn’t answer him in any way, how long could he try before having to concede defeat? He wasn’t a quitter, but he also wasn’t a fool. He was leaving the day after tomorrow, and there was nothing to do but . . . leave. Go back to his life. Miss her every damn day and wish he’d done things differently. Wish that she’d be open with him and honest with herself and that . . . so many things. So many goddamn things.
Early June was nice here—warm, the way he liked it, but not humid yet. Flowers bloomed everywhere; trees were lushly green—lots of color. Long Island was so much nicer now than when he’d first arrived on a gray day in April. New York had grown on him. It was a gorgeous evening, so he sat on the bench in the hotel courtyard, stared up at the clear blue sky, and felt the heartache and misery of missing Amanda wash over him for the thousandth time.
His cell phone rang, and he pulled it out of his pocket, the split second of hope crashing when he saw it wasn’t her calling. “Hey, Charles, how’s it goin’?”
“Fine,” Charles said. “I’m still at the hospital. Myles had a good day—I thought you’d want to know.”
Nick smiled for the first time all day. “That’s really great. Thanks for telling me.”
“He’s holding his own. Every day he does is a victory, and a step toward his getting out of here,” Charles said. “So listen. I know you’re leaving on Friday. Up for a good-bye family dinner tomorrow? At my house?”
“Sure,” Nick said. “That’d be fine. I can handle that.”
“Fantastic,” Charles said. “I’ll make the calls. Say . . . seven o’clock?”
“I’ll be there.” Nick paused, then added, “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Have you spoken to Amanda in the past few days?”
“Yes, two days ago. She wanted to let me know she was going away for a week with her friends. A spa trip, somewhere in Maine.”
Nick felt nauseous. Not only wasn’t she answering him, she’d fled the state.
Blissfully unaware, Charles continued, “She wanted to let me know on the off chance that Myles was released from the hospital and I needed her, but I assured her that isn’t likely and told her to go have some long-overdue fun. Why do you ask?”
Nick swallowed a sigh and swiped a hand over his face. “Just curious.”
“You know . . . I did ask. She said you were a rough patient at first, but you mellowed out by the end of the week. She said she enjoyed hanging out with you once you were better.” Charles let out a wry chuckle. “You could’ve taken it easy on her, tough guy. She’s not just a great nurse—she’s a truly wonderful person.”
“I know.” Nick’s eyes squeezed shut as he winced. “Couldn’t agree more.”
* * *
Amanda cradled the wineglass as she leaned over the railing. Her room at the spa was small and adorable, and had a little terrace that overlooked the beach and ocean. The view was breathtaking, and the sounds of the crashing waves soothed her. She could have stayed there all evening, until the sun disappeared and the stars came out.
She missed Nick. She hated herself for it, because it was her own fault.
He’d tried to call, text, everything. She’d ignored him. She should have talked to him like a rational adult, but she’d shut him out. Because nothing about her feelings for him felt rational. She hadn’t even known him for two months; she had no business thinking she was in love with him. Much less so in love with him that she’d even considered his ridiculous idea of moving to Florida.
She’d love to write off his crazy presentation as his submitting to a wildly romantic impulse, but the whole thing had just left her unnerved. So, radio silence.
She’d had enough time to realize the truth and admit it to herself: he’d been right. She was scared. She’d pushed him away because she wanted it too much. And wanting anything too much scared the hell out of her, because sometimes she lost herself. It’d happened with Cooper, it’d happened with nursing school, it’d even happened with caring for Myles. She went all in and lost herself in the process. Loving Nick felt like that. She didn’t want to go into a free fall when she wasn’t sure if he’d be there to catch her even if he wanted to be. So she’d ended it, just like that.
Not fair to him. Not even fair to herself. She hadn’t given it a real chance.
A seagull screeched overhead as it soared through the sky, hanging in the air for a long moment before diving toward the water. She watched it fly until she couldn’t see it anymore. Sipped her wine. Inhaled the sea air. Chastised herself for being a lovesick fool.
Over dinner, Roni shot Amanda a sharp look and said, “Stop wallowing.”
“I know,” Amanda said. “I hate myself for it. After all, I’m the one who ended it. I have no right to wallow.”
“Then knock it off,” Roni said, but gave her hand a quick squeeze.
“I haven’t seen you this sad over a guy since Cooper,” Steph said gently.
Amanda opened her mouth to say something . . . but found herself at a loss for words. She looked at her friends, closed her mouth, and nodded.
“Then just call Nick,” Roni said. “You love him, he loves you. Work it out.”
“He flies back to Miami today,” Amanda said. “He’s probably on the plane right now, actually.”
“So what?” Roni nudged her under the table with a little kick. “Text him.”
“What’s the last thing you heard from him?” Steph asked.
“Voice mail this morning.” Amanda’s stomach did a little wobbly flip as she thought of the voice mail. She’d listened to it three times; she’d all but memorized it.
“I’m leaving today, Amanda. I’ve tried calling, texting. . . . You’re not having it. I get it. So after today, I won’t try anymore. I don’t give up, usually. I fight. But I’ll respect your wishes and stay away. I just had to try one last time. I just had to tell you that I love you. And I think we could’ve been something amazing together. I hate that we’ll never find out.” A long pause before he’d cleared his throat and added in a thick voice, “Voy a pensar en que siempre. Te amo, mi reina.”
“He said he won’t try to contact me anymore,” Amanda said quietly. She picked up her fork and aimlessly pushed around the salad on her plate. “That since I’ve made it clear I don’t want him, he’ll leave me alone. And he . . . ended it with horribly sweet things. In Spanish.”
“Oh, swoooon,” Steph said.
Roni blinked at her. “You got that big hunk of alpha male falling over himself like that over you,” she said sharply, “and you’re here with us? Girl. Girl.”
“He wanted me to just drop my life and fly off with him!” Amanda reminded her friends.
“That romantic bastard,” Roni said in fake outrage, putting her hand to her head.
Amanda gaped at her. “You both agreed that was a selfish, dick move.”
“Yes, it was,” Roni said. “But he’s tried to reach you every damn day since. Right?”
“Yeah,” Amanda mumbled.
“Maaaybe he thought about it and realized that. And wanted to work something out anyway.” Roni slanted her a look and reached for her wineglass. She drained it before pronouncing, “We’re gonna need more of this.”
“We’ve gone over this,” Steph said. “Dumb move, yes. But don’t all people in love do dumb things? Make mistakes? The point is he kept trying to reach you. You . . . you could’ve just heard him out. You were afraid to. You don’t like not having control over your life. Falling in love is about as out of control as it gets. No wonder you’re fighting it. You always did. You forget, we’ve known you forever.”
Roni clinked her empty glass to Steph’s. “Amen.”
With a sinking feeling, Amanda drained her wineglass too. They were both right and she knew it. She’d been fighting her feelings for Nick from the beginning, telling herself it’d just be a fun fling—who the hell had she been kidding? No, he wasn’t perfect. But he was wonderful, and she’d pushed him away.
“Voy a pensar en que siempre.” She’d Googled it to understand what he’d said. I’ll think of you always.
Her heart dropped to her stomach as she sighed.
“I looked up some things online,” she said quietly, staring into her empty glass. “I probably could get work down there pretty easily. He was right about that much.”
“Is that so?” Roni said.
“Yes.” Amanda turned her empty glass in circles as her heart thumped away.
“You’re so in love with him,” Steph said.
“Yeah,” Amanda whispered. “And I’m terrified. So I blew it.” Tears sprang to her eyes and she sniffed them back.
Roni caught the eye of a waiter, charming him with a smile to bring him over. She asked for another bottle of the Riesling, then turned back to Amanda with an intent stare. “Okay. Listen up. I’m going to make a proposal to you.”
“You’re not my type,” Amanda joked. Steph snorted out a laugh, and Roni rolled her eyes.
“Go visit him there,” Roni said. “Stay with him for a week or two. Check out job opportunities, the local hospitals, all of that. Wake up with him with morning breath, see how he reacts when you ask him to help with the dishes or take out the garbage. Be with him enough to get real. See what it’s like. See if you two work outside of this high-emotion chaos you’ve been in since you met, see that you can do normal life.”
“So far,” Steph said, leaning in on her elbows, “I really like this proposal.”
“Give serious thought to moving there,” Roni said pointedly. “Because all three of us know if you really wanted to, very little is holding you back here. And honey, he knew that too.”
Irritation pricked Amanda as she said, “How about my job?”
“Do it after Myles recovers, of course,” Roni said.
“Maybe have a long-distance relationship at first,” Steph said. “To see if you two can even do that before taking it further.”
“Right,” Roni agreed. “Finish the job with Myles, then do this. Because I’m sorry, but you’re not the only nurse on Long Island.”
“You’re the one who just said you could probably find work easily there,” Steph pointed out. “Sorry, your bullshit excuse is officially declared bullshit.”
“What about my family and my friends?” Amanda asked.
“You can barely stand your family for more than an hour at a time,” Roni reminded her. “And your friends will always be your friends. You’re stuck with us, sister. Here’s proof . . .” She pinned Amanda with such a commanding look, Amanda felt a whoosh of uneasiness, knew something big was coming.
“If you decide to move down there,” Roni said, “and give it a shot with him, do it one hundred percent. And if you give it your all, and if it doesn’t work out?” Roni reached out and took her hand. “It’s not the end of the world. You move back to New York. You get a job at the hospital, and you can stay with me until you find a new place to live. I won’t let you feel stuck down there. You hearing me?”
The lump that formed in Amanda’s throat felt more like a boulder.
“I love this proposal,” Steph said, smiling wide as she took Amanda’s other hand. “I’ll up the ante: I’ll personally help you move back to New York if you need to. I’ll fly down to Florida and help you pack up all your things so you won’t feel overwhelmed or alone. Husband and kids will live without me for as long as that takes. I’m in too.”
Again, Amanda’s eyes filled with tears. She swallowed hard and whispered, “You’re both incredible. I . . . my God. Wow.”
“Think it over,” Steph said.
“You have nothing to lose,” Roni said, “but so much to gain.”
“We love you,” Steph said. “We want you to be happy.”
“We will always, always have your back,” Roni swore.
The tears finally spilled over. Amanda swiped them off her cheeks impatiently. “It doesn’t matter,” she said. “It’s too late—he left.”
“He would take you back in a heartbeat,” Roni said.
“I don’t know about that anymore,” Amanda said. “I think his pride kicked in. He sounded done.”
“He tried to seduce you with Spanish,” Roni said. “Hello. He’s not done.”
Amanda snorted out a tiny laugh at that.
“Think it all over,” Steph suggested. “We’re here for another day and a half. Plenty of time for you to just think about everything.”
“That’s already all I’ve been doing,” Amanda mumbled.
“Well, now you have even more to think about,” Steph said as the waiter approached the table.
“And more wine,” Roni said, smiling brightly. “Which is always a good thing.”
Amanda looked at her friends, squeezed their hands before releasing them, and whispered, “Thank you. I love you both so much.”