Chapter 9
Austin
I slump over my cup of coffee, irritation prickling over my skin as Luke yammers on about what he should order—he’s currently debating between an omelet or pancakes.
“Fucking hell, dude, order both and shut the fuck up,” I snap, snatching the menu away from him.
Three nights ago, I fled Oliver’s apartment like it was on fire, and I haven’t been able to think of anything else since. The look in his eyes when he told me he wasn’t lonely anymore either has been a constant pain in the center of my chest, making it difficult to breathe.
“Who pissed in your Wheaties this morning?” he asks, eyeing me curiously.
“I’m fine,” I lie, taking a steaming sip of coffee. To my immense annoyance, all I can think about is Oliver in my car last month, looking all fucking cute and edible, asking me how I take my coffee. It seems like everything finds a way to tie back to Oliver these days, and I wonder how I let things grow this far out of hand. It was because it was sneaky. The sex bled into the fun we had together until everything got messy.
“So, what’s the problem? Why are you in such a foul mood this morning?”
The waitress comes over to take our order, giving me a few moments to mull over how much I should tell Luke, trying to guess what he’ll say so I can be prepared for it. After she takes our menus and retreats to put our orders in, I turn back to my friend and decide to just lay it out for him.
“I knew him.”
“Who?”
“The date you hired for me for Harry’s wedding. He was a Grindr hookup six months earlier.”
Luke studies me as he sips his own coffee. “Okay, so why are you telling me this now? It was two months ago.”
“We’ve been hooking up ever since,” I admit.
“Ah,” Luke makes a noise of understanding. “You like him too much, and it’s scaring the piss out of you.”
“Pretty much,” I agree. “It was fine at first because it was easy to tell myself it wasn’t like I was in love with him or anything. I hardly knew him. But we have undeniable chemistry, and that’s more than I can say for anyone else I’ve ever hooked up with…including Harry, if I’m being honest with myself.”
“You’re my best friend, so I’m going to tell you a hard truth,” Luke warns, fixing me with a somewhat intimidating look. “You and Harry were shit together. I know you were all starry eyed over him, but he was never the one for you. You had nothing in common, no heat, no passion. You fucked because you were bored and called it a relationship.”
I want to argue, to be indignant, but I know he’s right. I thought I loved Harry, but deep down, I think it was the brutality of his rejection that was what really hurt. And when I compare how I felt about Harry to how I feel about Oliver, Harry doesn’t even come close.
“I think you’re right,” I confess.
“So, you’re fucking the guy. What’s the big deal?”
“Oliver,” I supply his name. “He’s fun, and not just in bed. Although, that’s incredible too. He’s…” I try to come up with the right words to describe it but can’t think of anything that doesn’t fall short. “He’s amazing.”
Luke studies me a few extra seconds, making me itch and squirm. “It sounds like you’re in love with him.”
I swallow hard, staring down at my coffee so I don’t have to meet Luke’s eyes as I nod. “I think I am,” I agree in barely a whisper.
“Austin, look at me,” my best friend demands, and I grit my teeth before doing it. “This is a good thing.”
“What if he doesn’t feel the same way? We agreed we were just having fun,” I tell him. “Maybe it’s best if I cut things off before things blow up in my face. We’re not dating, only fucking. I can tell him we’ve had our fun and leave it at that before either of us get hurt.”
“I know you’ve decided you’re Mr. I-Have-No-Feelings since Harry, but deep down you’re a softie, and if there’s a chance you could have something special with this guy, you can’t let that go without at least seeing.”
Luke’s words make me restless. They plant a seed of hope where I haven’t let one grow in years. Is it worth the risk to see where things could go with Oliver? Memories of the way our bodies moved together flit through my mind, but it’s not until the images fill my head of Oliver laughing and smiling at the wedding and all the times since, whispering funny and dirty things in my ear, the way he makes me feel alive, that the hard wall I’ve built around my heart starts to weaken.
“I guess it couldn’t hurt?” I agree tentatively.
“Hell no, it couldn’t hurt,” Luke declares with far too much exuberance for the early hour, but I find myself smiling along with him.
“Okay, I’ll talk to him.”
“I’m proud of you Austin.”
“Oh, fuck off.” I give him the finger while we both laugh, feeling lighter than I have in years.
Oliver
Three days and no new messages from Austin. It’s not like he ever messages me on any day other than a Friday anyway, so I’m sure there’s nothing for me to worry about. But the way we left things has been keeping me awake at night wondering if I pushed the bounds of casual way past his comfort zone. I won’t be surprised if he deletes his Grindr account and completely ghosts me again. Except this time I know where he lives.
“Stalker talk,” I murmur as I shake my head at myself. As much as I might want to show up at his place and demand Austin not forget me, I know I won’t do that if he decides not to contact me again. I want him more than I’ve ever wanted anyone, but not if he doesn’t want me in the same way.
I blow out an irritated breath and grab my laptop to check my website and update my social media accounts. I started offering prints this week, and they’ve been selling incredibly well. I also posted a pic of the charcoal drawing of Austin, and I already have a dozen preorders for the prints once the painting is finished along with some early interest from a buyer or two. At this rate, I’ll be able to give up all my side jobs if I want. All thanks to Austin.
My heart gives a hard squeeze, and I shove my laptop aside without finishing my task. Maybe painting will help take my mind off things.