Dragging her suitcase behind her, Nidhi walked out of the airport, the glass doors parting for her. She set her handbag on top of her suitcase and pulled out her cell phone. Someone named Sumi was supposed to receive her at the arrivals gate. She mentally prepared herself for awkward small talk and how do you know the bride/groom questions. There were going to be a lot of those this weekend.
But of course, that wasn’t going to be the hardest or most awkward part of her weekend. No, that would be being around Abhay. And his new girlfriend. Nidhi had been taken aback when he’d told her about the new girl, but obviously, she’d behaved as if she didn’t care at all. But how couldn’t she care? Now that she’d had more time to adjust to the news, a part of her was genuinely happy for him. However, there was no denying that there would be some amount of discomfort and awkwardness between the three of them. But overall, they’d all be able to make it out alive.
She looked around, searching for Sumi. Maybe she should take a cab to the hotel, but then she would have to let Prashant know to coordinate with this Sumi person, who might/might not be waiting for her. Her thumb hovered over the call option on her phone, just as the thought of turning around and going back home flitted through her mind.
‘Nidhi!’ Prashant called out to her from between the crowd of people assembled to receive their loved ones. Damn it; too late.
Nidhi put on a smile. ‘Oh wow! The groom himself. I am honoured,’ she exclaimed, shuffling towards him, bags in tow.
‘Yeah, only the best treatment for my most special guests.’ Prashant smiled broadly as he hugged her.
‘Guests, plural…?’ Nidhi barely had a chance to finish her thought before Prashant yelled excitedly again, a bit too loudly, right in her ear. He released her and opened his arm for his other guests.
‘Abhay!’ Prashant hugged him and patted his back. After releasing him too, he turned to Abhay’s girlfriend and shook her hand. ‘And Simran. Welcome, welcome.’
Her name is Simran, Nidhi thought. Ugh, gag. Okay, control yourself. She’s probably a lovely person whose parents chose her name under the influence of a DDLJ hangover; she shouldn’t be blamed for that. She probably already had been punished with too many ‘Simran as in Raj aur Simran’ jokes in her life. One should refrain from judgement.
‘Hi,’ Abhay said, and gave her a half hug.
‘Hey!’ Nidhi returned brightly. She quickly removed herself from his hug and turned to Simran. ‘Hi Simran!’
‘Hey! Nidhi, right?’ Simran smiled, looking a little nervous.
Nidhi softened. This couldn’t be easy for anyone, but she was going to try her best to make sure she didn’t add to the already complicated situation in a negative way. ‘Yes, it’s so nice to meet you.’ She smiled back.
They hugged each other and then, after a very brief awkward pause, everyone grabbed their bags and walked towards the car. Nidhi took controlled breaths. She could smell Abhay, and feel Simran on her side, as they walked. So far, so good. Just put one step in front of the other, and before you know it, this will be behind you.
*
The first day wasn’t proving to be too bad. Some might call it fun, even. She hadn’t expected it to be. Lately, she’d been finding herself being very glass-half-empty about situations. Her scepticism for this situation was valid – sharing a roof with her ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend for an entire weekend for a wedding, when she had left the aforementioned ex-boyfriend at their engagement party … that can’t be fun for anyone. However, once the festivities began, she had to admit that she had been freaking out more than she had needed to.
They were shown to their rooms as soon as they arrived at the resort, where there were elaborate cold beverages waiting for them. She had been counting on the cocktails to make it through the weekend. Everything happened very fast. Once she showered and changed, she was ushered to a backyard garden, where there was loud music blaring from the speakers and a selection of food and drinks spread out on a long table against the wall. The backyard was filled with people, dressed in bright colours and shiny jewellery.
Nidhi hesitated, but only for a second, before joining everyone else in the celebration. She was genuinely excited to see all her friends from college, some of whom she hadn’t been in touch with for longer than she liked. Once she found her people, there was laughter, drinking and dancing for hours. Not to mention so. much. food.
But even while she was dancing to upbeat Bollywood remixes with her old friends, part of her was always on alert. Without realizing it herself, she kept an eye on the door at all times. Eventually, Abhay did come out with Simran and Nidhi’s heart took a violent lunge. All of her energy for the next few songs was focused on keeping her expression as neutral as possible. She couldn’t ignore them, but also couldn’t overcompensate by being too friendly. She had to find a balance, tailor her behaviour to show she was totally cool with everything.
It soon turned out that she had once again been overthinking it. Because once the new couple joined them on the dance floor, there was barely any awkwardness. Nidhi met Abhay’s eyes and he smiled at her, making funny dance moves, which made her laugh and relax a little. She met Simran’s eyes, who took it as an invitation. Simran danced over to Nidhi, held both her hands and lifted them up, moving back and forth with the music. Nidhi wasn’t sure how she felt about dancing with Simran, but played along. Be cool, be cool, be cool.
After a few songs, everyone was visibly more relaxed. Abhay seemed happy. Simran seemed nice. Nidhi was okay.
Dancing with her old friends, a little under the influence of booze and great food, and the overall cheerful energy, Nidhi … unclenched. She let go of all the tension she’d been carrying on her shoulders for what had seemed like forever, and let herself enjoy the present. It felt good.
*
By the time it was the big day, Nidhi couldn’t believe how smoothly everything had gone and how much fun she had had. Some of them had taken short road trips to visit the local markets and old palaces. She was in good company, surrounded by people with positive energy. Everyone seemed to be using the time to get away from the rush of their everyday life and kick back, without a worry in the world.
It was contagious. She absorbed that energy and relaxed too. When the day of the wedding arrived, she looked back at her weekend and marvelled at how smoothly it had gone so far.
‘Time really flies, huh?’ she said, as she carefully divided the pallu of her saree into measured pleats, getting dressed for the wedding.
‘I know, right? I feel like I just got here,’ Jyoti said. Jyoti was one of Nidhi’s closest friends from college, who had moved away for a job after graduation. Which meant that they didn’t see each other very often anymore. However, whenever they did see each other, they went back to how things were, as if no time had passed in between at all. They didn’t have to do a whole lot to maintain their friendship. They simply … were friends. No amount of distance or time changed that. Nidhi still felt comfortable talking to Jyoti about anything and everything.
‘Yep. I’ll return home all fat and sleepy,’ Nidhi said. ‘But no complaints.’
‘Those aren’t the worst things to be. At least you’re happy…?’
Nidhi felt Jyoti watching her carefully. She knew where this was going, and didn’t necessarily want to launch into a conversation about Abhay, so she tried to brush it off by laughing. ‘Happier than I’d expected, for sure.’
‘Were you so super nervous about how things would go with … you know who?’
‘You can say his name. I’m not going to break down at the mention of my ex-boyfriend’s name. And besides, that was a long time ago. We’ve all moved on with our lives.’
‘That’s right, you’re right,’ Jyoti said quickly, backtracking. ‘I’m glad there aren’t any bad feelings between you guys.’
‘You and me both,’ Nidhi said. She turned to show Jyoti her saree. ‘How does this look?’
‘Not bad. Let me just fix this…’ Jyoti attacked portions of Nidhi’s saree, while Nidhi watched their reflection in the mirror.
‘You know what, I’m actually really proud of both Abhay and myself for being such adults about this. We could’ve so easily let this be a messy, bitter experience for the both of us, but we somehow managed to have fun. We’ve actually even managed to kinda sorta develop a new kind of friendship with each other. There’s familiarity there, and so many memories, which can be painful, but it feels like we’re just keeping the good and ignoring the bad,’ Nidhi said.
‘I know what you mean. It shows. You guys are handling this way better than any of us could’ve expected. Unless it’s all pretence…’ Jyoti said. She stood up and twirled Nidhi around, admiring her work on the saree. ‘Perfect. So, is it?’
‘What is what?’
‘Is it all pretence? Are you both just pretending to be okay?’
‘What?! Don’t be ridiculous,’ Nidhi protested.
‘Nidhi.’ Jyoti gave her a look. She was never too pushy, but she always knew how to get her friend to talk.
‘Okay, fine,’ Nidhi said, gritting her teeth. ‘Maybe there is some discomfort there. Some, not a lot. And that’s expected, right? We’re only human. We can’t erase years and years of memories and pretend as if nothing happened, and we’re all just completely fine. Are there some cracks in our perfect demeanour? Yes. But are we just pretending to be fine while we’re truly miserable inside and pining for each other? Definitely no.’
‘I never said that you were secretly pining for each other. Just that … it was a long, intense relationship. We all thought you guys were going to be together forever. You can’t move on from that unscathed.’
‘Well, there’s some scathing. But it’s manageable.’
‘As long as it’s manageable,’ Jyoti said and took one last look around the room. ‘You have the keys?’
‘Yes.’ Nidhi patted her clutch.
‘Time for the big night. Ready to do this?’
‘Let’s do it.’
They left the room together. As Nidhi turned around to check the lock on the door, Jyoti said, ‘Manageable is okay … but only if it’s getting better every day.’ She pulled Nidhi into an unexpected hug, bringing tears to both their eyes, before they rushed to the wedding upstairs.
*
The bride was beautiful, the groom’s smile couldn’t have been wider, the atmosphere was lit with cheer and romantic music, the smell of roses wafting across the lavishly decorated terrace. Yellow, twinkling string lights brought a fairy-tale-like feel to the roof. Yellow and white roses were tied together in long strings that looped around the pillars of the mandap. The rooftop itself was gigantic, so the guests were spread out and relaxed.
Nidhi tried not to think about what her wedding would’ve looked like if she hadn’t run away from her engagement. The wedding would’ve been later this year. Her parents had wanted to reserve a hotel for the venue, but Abhay and she had wanted to have the ceremony outdoors. She looked around at the beautiful setting around her, and even standing in the open air, she had trouble breathing.
The back of her throat choked up, and she gulped hard. It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, she repeated to herself like a mantra. I made this decision, it’s the right choice, we’ve both moved on, we’re in a good place, this is just a momentary crisis that shall pass, everything’s going to be fine. Just smile; Jyoti was right, as long as it’s manageable and getting better every day, that’s progress. It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright. She sighed loudly and tried to shake herself out of her own head.
When she turned around, the first thing she saw was Abhay walking out to the roof. It didn’t help her breathing. He was wearing a faded burgundy sherwani that stretched comfortably across his wide chest. It was like a scene from a cheesy movie. He walked casually, almost carelessly, in his Punjabi jootis, his hair slicked to the side, coming out the door, looking around for a familiar face.
Before Nidhi could form another thought, he spotted her and waved. She waved back. As he strolled towards her, her heart began to pound loudly in her chest. It’s just the atmosphere, she told herself sternly, just as a question popped up in the back of her mind. What is happening to me, what is happening to me, what is happening to me…?
‘You look amazing!’ he said when he got within her earshot.
How did he do that? So nonchalantly, as a greeting … how come he was so relaxed and comfortable around her, when she could feel sweat beads appear on her forehead any second? This was not fair. She tried to copy what he did and returned cheerfully, ‘Look who’s talking!’
‘Aw, stop. You’re just lying to me to protect my feelings!’
‘You caught me. Oops!’ Nidhi teased. They laughed, and as if feeling guilty about that laugh, she immediately enquired, ‘Where’s Simran?’
‘She was taking forever to get dressed. Some disaster with … something. They have a team down there with safety pins of all shapes and sizes to control the damage,’ Abhay explained.
The way he was looking at her made her look everywhere else. She found herself unable to meet his eyes. She tried to cover her awkwardness by saying, ‘It’s a hard life, man. Took me forty-five minutes to get into this. I mean, maybe putting it on only took five minutes, but there was a lot of adjusting and readjusting, a lot of safety pins to safely pin everything in place and make it perfect.’
‘Looks like it worked.’ His eyes travelled down her body, admiring her saree. Before he jerked his head and turned away, as if realizing what he’d been doing, Nidhi saw something in his eyes. It looked very similar to how she felt inside. He wanted her. He still wanted her.
She could be wrong … but she’d known him for far too long, and seen that look in his eyes far too many times, to be this mistaken. He wanted her. He may never act on it, it may be a momentary thing which will pass within seconds, or eventually, but right then, in that moment, she knew that he wanted her.
The knowledge calmed her. It wasn’t just her. She wasn’t crazy. This wasn’t unusual. It was okay to feel things. They were in very close proximity after a long time, and the last time they had been this close, they were in love, anticipating a life together. It was okay to still feel fragments of those emotions every once in a while. Not everything in life can be controlled just by your brain sending a signal and the heart following the instructions. Sometimes the heart takes over, and that’s okay.
‘Uh, thanks,’ she said meekly.
Abhay cleared his throat.
They were quiet, both thinking about the same thing, but not accepting it, especially not to each other. Nidhi still believed that if she supressed certain things long enough, they went away. She hoped this was one of them, even as the cool breeze brought a fresh waft of scent to her nostrils. His scent. Her breathing got troubled, her palms clammy. She clenched her fists into balls, to stop herself from reaching out and moving that one strand of hair away from his forehead. It felt so natural … it would be so easy to go back to being with each other.
In that moment, without sharing a word, or even a look, just by standing next to each other, close, but too far away, Nidhi had trouble remembering any of the reasons why they couldn’t be together.
‘There you are!’ Simran called from behind them, and both Abhay and Nidhi spun around, as if physically shaken out from another world.
‘There you are!’ Abhay repeated brightly, holding out his hand for Simran. ‘I see that the damage has been controlled.’
‘Yes!’ Simran said, looking from Abhay to Nidhi and back at Abhay, her brows giving away her confusion/displeasure at finding them with each other. Her tone wasn’t as friendly this time when she said, ‘Hey, Nidhi. Love your saree.’
‘Thanks,’ Nidhi said, smiling. ‘You look beautiful.’
After a few minutes of essential small talk, where she was proud of herself to have been extremely pleasant and not at all uncomfortable, at least to the untrained eye, she excused herself to go congratulate the happy couple. She walked away from Abhay and Simran, putting one foot in front of the other, deliberately counting her steps.
As long as it’s manageable. As long as it gets better every day.
*
With her luck, Nidhi wasn’t surprised to find herself taking the same flight as Abhay and Simran. They decided to split a cab to the airport, because not doing that would be suspicious, as if something was wrong. And even though something was wrong, life is all about keeping up pretences, isn’t it? I’m fine, he’s fine, everyone is fine.
Everyone was not fine. Simran clearly wasn’t. If not for Simran’s behaviour towards Nidhi ever since she found Abhay standing next to her in the middle of the rooftop bustling with wedding guests, Nidhi could’ve tried to forget about the strange moment between her and Abhay the previous night.
Simran had been visibly cold towards Nidhi. So Nidhi’s brief moment of … nothing with Abhay was not what preoccupied her mind as they made their way to the airport. She took the front seat, so Abhay and Simran could sit together in the back. Nidhi thought she was putting on a good show, but Simran had clearly sensed something. Abhay was also behaving strangely. He was either uncomfortable or angry.
Had Abhay and Simran talked about Nidhi? What was there to talk about? Did Simran bring up the moment from the previous night? How did they talk about her behind her back? Was she the villain in their story? Did they hate her?
Nidhi felt like her head was about to explode. Once they reached the airport, she excused herself to go to the ladies’ room and from then onward, they went their separate ways. They smiled at each other while boarding the flight, and half hugged after landing. Nidhi found a cab and let herself be driven in the opposite direction of where Abhay and Simran were headed.