22
Apologies from the Past
~Claire~
May 19, 2011
School is over. I don’t know how I got through this year—the hardest year of my life. As sad as I am to leave, I am happier to go. Too many memories, in the apartment, at local places we used to visit, the people who stop by less frequently now. Not that going home is going to be much better.
I had to close my eyes and take a deep breath at that thought.
I won’t be there long, though. And soon I will have new memories to make there […] And Katy and Abby are so excited. I’m glad they will be there. I miss them so much.
So, this will be my last letter from New York. Good-bye all my hopes and dreams, and the future that should have been. (Morose, huh?) It’s time to move on to the next step of adulthood—accepting. This is life with all its good and bad. And sometimes there is good with the bad. I’m happy with the good. The bad is hard, but rewarding in the end.
[…]
In other news, Dad is here, talking to Trevor about selling my mom’s condo. We’re shipping her furniture and personal belongings home to put away in storage until I can sort through it. I haven’t had time this year to do it. Too much going on. Dare is going to continue to stay at the condo. I talked her into it. Plus, we found another roommate for her, and her boyfriend is moving in. I’m glad I’m not leaving her alone. She has come to mean a lot to me. Of course, she can’t wait to take over my room. They promised to visit this summer […]. I’m glad she’s been such a good friend to me.
The spring recital was amazing. I was an understudy, but I spent most of the time with the composer. That was an avenue I never considered, and I am thankful for the opportunity to learn from him. I know how to read music; I know how to play the piano; but I didn’t know how to compose. I can’t say I can now do that, but I’m starting, learning more about that aspect because I have an idea that’s never been done before. That’s my new focus for now while I wait for my voice to come back.
You have been gone for six months now. I wish I knew if you were okay. Even alive. Your parents, your friends, me—we are worried about you. I feel like I need to keep telling you that. We want to know that you are safe and not lying in a ditch somewhere. Where are you, Noah?
I will keep writing to you, knowing that if you are alive, you have to surface sometime, and then your parents or aunt Katy will forward my letters to you.
[…]
I need to end this now. Dad came back.
Claire
P.S. Oh, and Angel says a hi meow. She’s sprawled out on the table now, smacking the pen around whenever it comes near her.
It has now been almost a year since Noah left, and I still write him letters a few times a month. The pain from missing him is fading, but there are times when I feel it so poignantly that I simply shatter. No, there is nothing simple about it. I literally break down, asking myself all the whys and what ifs. I go from missing him so deeply that my very soul seems to rip in half to hating him so much I feel fire running through my veins. It’s not pretty.
The only evidence he is still alive is another withdraw made in the southeast back in June. By the time Max got there, there was no sign of him. He hit up all the motels in town; bars, in case he is playing—everywhere. No one recognized him. He must have been passing through.
Dad even hired a private detective to track him down, but it’s like Noah disappeared off the face of the planet.
On top of … well, everything, Max passed away. He had a genetic heart disease, which explains his study in genetics. He was riding his motorcycle and … his heart simply gave out.
Cyn is beyond beside herself. She is both grieving and mad at him. She can’t understand how he never told her what he was dealing with. They apparently fought a lot about marriage and children, Max telling her he couldn’t commit to those two things. Now we know why. We think he knew his time was near, and he didn’t want to pass his disorder down to their children. So much grieving.
With all this sadness surrounding me, I am visiting Chelsea, Troy, and baby Tori right now before heading out of the country. There comes a point in everyone’s life when they want to run away. They don’t always follow through, but they want it. Well, I am following through. Except, unlike most everyone else, I have the backing of all the people who matter to me.
My cat is coming with me when I move, and so is Noah’s guitar. I need to keep his reminders with me, even though I hate to. But Angel is like my baby, and Noah’s guitar … well, someone else may want that one day.
Tori is fifteen months old and cute as a button. She is dressed up in a cute sailor outfit, her blonde hair in little pigtails, and she has a ruffled romper that is too adorable for words. The child is simply precious.
Chelsea is doing a great job as a mommy. I can’t help taking note of all the changes in her. However, I’m still wary on why she wanted to see me. We have been dancing around each other for two days now, making small talk. It’s been more than awkward.
“No, no, Victoria, you can’t put that in your mouth.” Chelsea sighs as she takes the phone from Tori and wipes off the drool. Tori immediately tears up. “Oh, God,” Chelsea whines. “Karma is kicking me in the butt.” She picks up her daughter and sits her in her lap so they are facing each other. “Unless you want Karma to bite you in the booty one day, I suggest you cut that out right now. You can’t have everything you want; trust me. Take a lesson from your mama.”
The little girl finally giggles at the tone her mother uses, and then reaches out and grabs her hair. “Air.”
“Yes, baby, that’s Mama’s hair. Ouch.” She opens Tori’s hand to release her hair then gives a toy mirror to her. “Play with this, sweetie,” she says as she puts her on her feet, back on the floor.
The little girl teeters over to her toy box, then plops down on her butt to make faces at herself in the mirror. I giggle. It seems like such a Chelsea thing to do.
I can’t believe Chelsea is a mommy, and such a good one. I hate thinking that, but knowing her all my life, I am amazed at how much she has turned around. She is no longer the mean girl. She is content, happy, and mature.
I shake my head in bewilderment every time I think how much having a baby can change people. Both her and Troy are better people, grounded. Not once have I seen their old selves. In fact, I sometimes feel like I am with strangers.
“So, when are you heading overseas?” Chelsea finally turns her attention to me, still wearing her mommy smile that transforms her whole face.
We are sitting on the couch together, practically at opposite ends, back to the small talk.
“Oh, four weeks.” I shake my head, thinking about all the things I need to do before we leave. “We got delayed … so we aren’t leaving until the first week in November now.”
“And Italy …?” There is a glint of the old Chelsea in her eye. It makes me nervous. Is this when she starts in on the last conversation we had, accusing me of stealing all the attention away from her?
“Yeah …” I clear my throat. “Signora Gelardi is moving back to her family home. We’ll be living with her. My dad is beside himself.” That’s an understatement. Dad put his foot down at first, until I reminded him that I was an adult now, a few months’ shy of twenty.
Once I explained to Dad that I wouldn’t let the circumstances of last year deter me from my dream, he finally gave in and accepted that I needed to do what was best for me. And he adamantly agreed that leaving the country was the best thing to separate my past from my future.
I think my dad is as heartbroken about Noah’s disappearance as I am. Dad’s faith in Noah is broken, and I don’t think, if Noah ever does turn up, Dad will ever forgive him. Some things you simply can’t salvage.
“I’m so jealous,” Chelsea admits, her eyes straying to Tori. “But I understand wanting to do what’s best with what life hands you.”
That’s an understatement. So much in my life has changed since last year. With my mom dying, Noah leaving, school career ending, not to mention everything else, I realized that I need a major change in my life. Therefore, I took up Signora Gelardi’s offer to move to Italy and take up work in her old opera house.
I’m working myself up to the idea. I hate leaving my dad and everyone, especially Cyn now, but I have responsibilities, and working is one of them. I can’t rely on people anymore. I did too much of that before.
I hid behind people, always needing someone to rely on. As a kid, it was my dad. Then Troy. Then Noah. When Noah left, Dare babied me, and then back to Daddy. Now I need to step up and be a real woman. I need to be the one someone can depend on.
I notice Chelsea’s eyes return to mine and a glint of excitement shines through them before she announces, “Troy and I are engaged!”
I genuinely smile, admittedly not the least bit shocked since they have been sharing a room while I have been here. Though, last I heard, they decided to do this co-parenting thing separate, and Troy said they both agreed they weren’t meant to be. He never mentioned starting a romantic relationship with Chelsea. He’s been home from a tour overseas for four months now.
Happy for them and thinking this must be why she wanted to see me, I tell her, “That’s great! Troy can never stop talking about you and Tori. He seems more peaceful now.”
“Yeah, tell me about it.” Chelsea rolls her eyes. “I think the Marines burned out all that extra testosterone in him.” She giggles. “And the sex helps.”
I blush, which makes Chelsea laugh, which in turn makes Tori giggle and run over to her mama.
Chelsea has never been one to hold back, using any ammunition to embarrass me. I guess some things never change, despite how much the people themselves have.
“You are such a prude,” she says, and I can’t tell if she’s saying it as a tease or not.
She picks Tori up and blows a raspberry on her belly before setting her back down again. Then, still watching her daughter, she tells me, “I want to apologize for the way I treated you for all those years.” I start to object, not wanting to rehash old tortures, but she cuts me off. “Claire,” she sighs out, “I was a major bitch. I get that now. Then … not so much. I didn’t care if I hurt you. I wanted to hurt you. I blamed you for everything wrong in my life. Even my boyfriend being gay.” She scoffs at that. “That’s how egotistical I was. But none of it was your fault. You weren’t even a part of my world. I was so jealous of your self-confidence—”
“I wasn’t that confident,” I mumble.
“—your talent, your beauty, how you didn’t seem to need popularity or a boyfriend to feel complete. You didn’t seem to need anything, whereas I thought I had to have it all. Yet, that never worked.
“I thought that, if I hurt and embarrassed you, you wouldn’t walk around looking like Little Miss Perfect. I thought guys would stop staring at you … I would stop wanting to be you.” She sniffs and wipes away a stray tear. “I was wrong, and I am sorry.” She finally looks me in the eye. “I’m sorry, Claire.”
She lets out a weak laugh and wipes her nose with the back of her hand. “Looking back, I hate myself for the way I treated you. Man, I was pathetic.” I again try to interrupt her, not liking the self-loathing talk, and again she talks over me. “I was. And if it wasn’t for Tori … Well, let’s be real. I probably would have ended up in the same circumstances I did. And that’s okay.” She smiles with real warmth in her eyes. “I regret how I treated you, but I can’t regret where that led me.
“Now I feel like it’s my chance to make it all up to you, and I will. If you ever need anything, call. I want to try to be friends. I can’t promise anything, only that I can try.” She shakes her head adamantly, saying, “I don’t want to go back to being that person. I want to be someone people can look up to.”
I smile back at her in wonderment, touched by her honesty, until she throws me off by asking, “So, what was Noah like in bed?”
“Chelsea!” I gasp then laugh at how she broke the seriousness of the moment. She laughs with me as I sputter out, “I-I …” I can’t talk about that.
Just the mention of Noah has me holding my breath. I don’t want to relive my year with Noah. I try not to think about him around other people at all. It puts me in panic mode. I hate and love him so much it physically hurts, still, after almost a year. Time does not heal all wounds.
“Come … on,” she goads, trying to wipe off her makeup smeared by tears. “We’re both adults now. Shit, this is what all the girls talked about in high school! There’s nothing to be ashamed of when you know everyone does it.”
True, but …
I get up to get her a tissue. “When are you and Troy getting marri—”
“No, uh-uh, you are not changing the subject. And it’s at Christmas. Now spill it.” She looks a little too eager, making me remember back to when she flirted with Noah, trying to sit on his lap in the cafeteria, the party I heard about where she slept with Kyle since Noah bailed.
I’m afraid telling her anything about Noah will come back to bite me later. I know she apologized and spilled her guts to me, but what if she uses something I say to attack me later?
Then, when I look around the room, at her, Tori, thinking about how she said she’s marrying Troy, how Noah is never coming back, I decide that nothing I say can be used to hurt me anymore. Noah might as well be dead. We will never see him again.
I sit back down beside her, handing her a couple of tissues and baby wipes, before I look over at her to gauge her expression when I admit, “He held out until prom night.”
“Are you kidding me!” she screeches. She starts laughing hysterically, and I nod, turning my attention to a stuffed bunny on the floor, a small smile on my lips.
“But I remember that motorcycle incident—” She cuts herself off at the look I shoot her.
“He did,” I continue. “There were so many times I thought we would … do it, but he held out. He said he wanted to prove he wanted something more, something forever with me.”
Chelsea scoffs. “Yeah, well, look how that turned out. Asshole.” She huffs again. “I admit, I was totally jealous. Noah is gorgeous, the total package. Any girl would give her right breast to be with him, but to do what he did …” She shakes her head, looking down.
“Yeah,” I sigh. “I never saw it coming.”
“Right?” Chelsea relaxes back into the sofa. “Continue,” she says like the queen bee she used to be, and I laugh a little at that.
“Um …” I try to get my thoughts back to that first night. “So, prom night. We skipped; went right to a hotel room. He took his time while I was feverish. I don’t think I was ever nervous,” I muse. “I mean, I was, but it was Noah. He had already made me feel worshipped for months, so I had little to no insecurities. I can’t say the same now.”
“It will get better,” Chelsea assures, placing her hand on mine.
I tear up at her thoughtfulness and give her a tight smile.
“Anyway, I always looked for opportunities after that.” I smile at the memories, especially thinking about all the times we made love in the back of Katy’s truck.
God, people are right when they say the high school years are the best. My senior year made up for the other three years I can barely recall. So many memories fit into one perfect year.
Chelsea gives me a devilish grin. “Want to hear about sex with Troy?”
“Not really,” I squeak out, making Chelsea laugh again.
“I won’t talk about it. All I will say is that you missed out on a massive—”
I slam my hand none too gently against her mouth in my eagerness to shut her up, and she bursts out laughing again.
I remove my hand and sit back, mumbling out, “Noah’s was pretty impressive,” which makes her laugh even more.
“I can imagine.” She sighs then says, “Things happen for a reason. I needed to have a baby to grow up. Having Tori made Troy grow up, too. He’s so wonderful now. Such a good father.” She shakes her head. “Mama brain. Back on track. The point is, you didn’t need anything to make you grow up, but maybe you need Noah gone to learn how to stand up for yourself, be by yourself. You know?”
It’s like she read my mind.
Neither Chelsea or Troy mentioned Noah for the rest of the visit. Troy took me to the beach one day where we walked up and down the shoreline for a few hours, reminiscing about the past, laughing and simply enjoying our time together. It felt like old time.
Chelsea took me shopping a lot, insisting Italy didn’t have this or that so I had to get it now. That trip was the opposite of the peaceful beach trip, wrangling around baby stuff, strollers, shopping bags. I don’t enjoy going out with a baby.
Overall, it was a nice good-bye to the States. I got to patch things up with Chelsea, have Troy back in my life, and end that chapter of my life, knowing I don’t have to worry about them anymore. The only one I will worry over is my dad, but him and Noah’s family have grown close. I know Mark and Katy will look after my dad. I wish he didn’t live alone. That’s the part that hurts the worst.