Chapter Thirty-One
Two days later, hearing Gabriel’s voice in the distance, Thea set her cup down, tea sloshing onto the saucer as she did so. She folded her trembling hands in her lap. Told herself she was being silly.
There was no need to be nervous around Gabriel. They were an officially engaged couple now. After the Spectre’s capture, he’d kept his word and spoken to Ambrose. The exquisite diamond and topaz engagement ring he’d given her sparkled on her finger even now, casting a confetti of light. A tangible symbol of their future together.
But what if he never loves me?
Lately, the panicked thought had been fluttering in her head like a trapped bird. It wasn’t fair of her, she knew, to expect something that he’d told her from the beginning he wouldn’t give. Yet his lack of response to her words of love had hit her like an icy splash of reality. To make matters worse, his behavior had become increasingly aloof since then. Now that the danger was finally over, she’d thought that their relationship would have a chance to progress and blossom.
Instead, he was shutting her out.
Oh, he was going through the motions. He was unfailingly polite to her, and to all who didn’t know him, everything a proper, attentive fiancé should be. But she knew him better. The shields were up in his eyes, and even his sensual heat had been banked.
When she’d finally gotten up the courage to ask him if anything was amiss, he’d replied shortly, “I’m fine, Thea.”
Is this all because I told him I loved him? Because he doesn’t want that from me? Have I been fooling myself all along that he could love me?
Her insecurities and fears had come rushing back. Just because she and Gabriel had a strong physical connection didn’t mean that he’d find her worthy of his love. Maybe for him sensual attraction and love had naught to do with one another. Maybe, in his mind, they were two separate things. After all, he’d loved his paragon of a wife despite their apparent incompatibility in bedroom matters.
Dread took up a palpitating presence in Thea’s chest, yet she knew it was too late for regrets. She’d signed up for all of this. She’d agreed to his terms, said that she was fine with a marriage built on honesty, common goals, and commitment. Their engagement had been made public, wedding preparations were underway, and Freddy, the little dear, was overjoyed. Hearing footsteps in the hallway, she steeled herself with her mama’s words.
You must lie in the bed of your own making.
The door opened, and Gabriel walked in. He looked lean and powerful in somber grey, a fitting shade for his visit to Newgate. Despite everything, the sight of him made longing pulse within her. I do love him so, she thought with a trace of resentment.
She forced a smile. “How did things go?”
“Heath still hasn’t confessed.” As usual these days, his expression was impassive. He joined her on the settee. “But he’s not denying being the Spectre either. He just keeps carrying on about the plot against him.”
She poured tea and filled a plate of sandwiches for him. “He doesn’t sound in his right mind.”
“I agree.” Gabriel polished off two triangles of bread stuffed with eggs and chives. “Heath keeps insisting that we’re out to kill him—that he’s going to get us, all of us including the King, before we get him. To be honest, he seems more like a madman than an infamous spymaster.”
“Perhaps he’s gone insane because of everything he’s done,” she suggested. “Like Shakespeare’s Lady Macbeth, perhaps Heath’s conscience has overtaken his sanity.”
Gabriel’s smile was wry. “There’s a difference between fiction and reality. The fact is Heath’s rationality has been precarious since I’ve known him. Would such a man be capable of masterminding espionage, of eluding capture all these years?”
She mulled it over. “Papa always said there’s no great genius without madness.”
“Perhaps it is so. Moreover, one can’t argue with the evidence we found in his vault. He had plans and letters containing military secrets that guarantee that he’ll be found guilty of High Treason and put to death. In fact,” he went on quietly, “there was sufficient damning evidence that none of our names—Lady Blackwood’s, Davenport’s, or mine—need to be drawn into this. The Crown is to reward us by safeguarding our reputations.”
“I’m so happy for Pandora,” Thea said with genuine relief. “Her marriage and family are more important to her than anything.”
“Yes, you saw that from the start, didn’t you?” Gabriel curled a finger under her chin. “And for yourself? Aren’t you happy that you won’t be known as the wife of a notorious former spy?”
His touch made her heart pound, and she couldn’t help but speak the truth. “I don’t care what anyone thinks. I know what a hero you are, and I would be proud to be your wife.”
If only I could be your love as well.
He dropped his hand. “In that case, we’ll have the banns read and be married within a month’s time,” he said brusquely. “I’ll need to be here that long anyway to see the business with Heath come to a close. Afterward, I’d like to take you and Freddy back to my estate. I’ve been gone too long as it is.”
Her belly fluttered at the thought of the future. In truth, this was just the beginning of their journey together. Perhaps his aloofness would fade, she told herself. Perhaps he was just having pre-wedding jitters. Perhaps over time, with honesty and trust growing between them, love would flourish as well. She had to believe all that would be true.
In the interim, she would try to be a good wife to him… and mama to her soon-to-be-son. No time like the present to address the latter. With all the brouhaha in the past five days, she hadn’t found the right time to speak to Gabriel about treating Freddy’s spells.
Be honest. You’ve also been avoiding it.
She pushed aside her qualms. “Speaking of Freddy,” she said brightly, “there’s something I’ve been meaning to discuss with you. I had a talk with Dr. Abernathy at his last visit. About a treatment for Freddy.”
Gabriel frowned. “I thought I made my feelings quite clear on the matter.”
“Yes, but this new cure isn’t painful and doesn’t involve taking any dangerous substances. Dr. Abernathy says he’s seen quite a bit of success with it.” She paused. “And Freddy says he’d like to try it.”
The crease deepened between his brows. “You’ve spoken to Freddy about it?”
“He’s going to be my son too.” Something in his voice made her lift her chin. “And I think he should have a say in his own future.”
“He is a child. He doesn’t know what he wants.” A muscle jumped in Gabriel’s jaw. “I specifically told you that Sylvia tried everything and decided that his hopes were not to be futilely raised.”
Anger swelled with dizzying speed. Trying to hold onto her equanimity, Thea said, “I disagree. Freddy needs hope. He deserves it.”
“Sylvia said that disappointment could worsen his spells,” he stated flatly.
“Maybe Sylvia didn’t know everything,” she shot back.
“I beg your pardon?”
His icy tone incensed her beyond rationality. Leaping to her feet, she said, “You heard me. Maybe your marchioness wasn’t as perfect as you make her out to be. Maybe she didn’t know every blessed thing under the sun.”
He rose slowly, his eyes flinty hard. “I find both your manner and your words distasteful. This is the last time I’ll say it: my marriage is not up for discussion.”
“Why? Because you’re afraid the truth will knock your sainted wife off her pedestal?”
Oh my goodness, where did that come from? The moment Thea said the words, she wished she could take them back. Mortified, she saw Gabriel’s expression grow colder than she’d ever seen it.
“That,” he said evenly, “is unworthy of you.”
Shame stole her voice. Her face blotched with heat.
“I take full responsibility for the problems in my marriage. Sylvia was not to blame for my proclivities. She was a good wife and a good mother,” he said.
“I know.” With helpless embarrassment, Thea mumbled, “I didn’t mean to imply…”
“She is off limits for discussion. Do I make myself clear?”
She bit down on her bottom lip to prevent it from trembling. Gave a nod.
“Good.” He straightened his waistcoat. “Now as for this treatment—I might consider it. But I will be the one who decides, not you. What steps are involved?”
Her lashes fanned as resentment joined the confusing fray of her emotions. Frustration clouded her mind, tied her tongue in knots. Somehow, she got the words out.
“The protocol requires a period of fasting followed by a strict dietary regimen. Apparently, this method was first described by Hippocrates and has recently been rediscovered. Dr. Abernathy says it has met with excellent success,” she said flatly.
“Other than fasting, there’s no pain? No medicines or other concoctions involved?”
“No.”
“As you’ve already brought the subject up with Freddy, we will give it a try. This one time.” Gabriel’s eyes were distant and cool. “In the future, I expect that you will discuss any ideas you have regarding his health with me first.”
“Yes, my lord.” Her jaw tight, she said, “Is there anything else?”
“There is not.”
“Please excuse me, then. I have errands to attend to.”
She left and managed to reach her chamber before she gave into tears.