Chapter Nineteen
Luke worked in his conservatory for hours, trying to decide what he should do now that he knew for certain that Gabriel was his son. All he really wanted to do was run over to Adrian’s house as swiftly as possible and snatch the boy away, then present him like a gift to Serenity, and take them both to Hawkesmere House, where they could finally become a family.
But things were not that simple, and first, he needed to tell Serenity what he’d learned.
He knocked softly on Serenity’s bedroom door, his need for her so strong he could barely restrain himself from barging in and pulling her into his arms. He remembered that long ago day at the ruins when she’d given him such comfort. She’d always been his rock, the one person who he could show his true fears and insecurities.
How was he going to tell her about Gabriel?
“Come in,” she called softly.
He entered the room and shut the door behind him, leaning against it. She was sitting up in bed, her blond hair shimmering in the low light. An angel, he’d once thought her, and he hadn’t been far from the truth.
“What is it?” she whispered, her gaze intent, as she obviously sensed his turmoil.
He sighed and moved toward her, sitting down on the side of the bed by her hip. “Allison is back,” he murmured, deciding to start with the least disturbing piece of news.
“Oh, Luke, that’s wonderful,” she cried, leaning forward to rub her hand soothingly up and down his back.
He melted into her touch with a sigh. “It is. I’ve felt so guilty for returning to London, for not chasing that bastard across the Continent, but it seems my life has always been a never-ending tide of untenable choices.”
“You still managed to find her and bring her home,” she told him softly. “You have the resources to accomplish so many things, Luke. It doesn’t always have to be your hand that accomplishes the goal.”
He laughed bitterly and kicked off his boots, then stretched out on the bed beside her, turning to face her. “She told me a bit of information that Roger related to her while in his cups. And it just proved something I’d already been thinking.”
She stilled. Then she hesitantly reached out and brushed her fingertips across his cheek. “You found out that Gabriel is our son,” she surmised, making it easy for him.
“How did you know?” he asked, shocked by her certainty.
“Oh, Luke, he looks just like you. And you asked me if our child could be a boy, which made me realize you’d found something that indicated that he was.” Her eyes filled with tears. “It’s wonderful to know that he’s safe, that he has parents who love him. I will forever be grateful to Vanessa and Adrian for the love and home they’ve given him.”
“What are you saying?” he whispered. “Do you think we should let him stay with them?”
Her tears spilled over, and she closed her eyes briefly, as though she couldn’t bear to look at him. “How can we do that to him? Wrench him away from the only happy home he’s ever known? I’ve been struggling with it for days now, and I just don’t know what to do. I want him. You have no idea how much I want to hold him in my arms and tell him how sorry I am, how much I regret the time lost. I want to kiss his sweet brow and promise him that I’ll never let him go. But don’t you think that would just confuse him? Do you think he’d resent us for taking him from the parents he knows and loves?”
“I don’t know. I’ve been struggling with the same questions myself.” He pulled her into his arms, nestling her face against his chest, holding her while she cried.
“At least we know he’s alive, that he’s safe, that he’s not being hurt anymore…” She let out a shuddering sigh. “Do you realize how lucky we are? He could easily have been lost to us. We could have spent the rest of our lives searching, never knowing what had happened.”
“You’re right,” he agreed, his heart breaking for them both. “I’ve tried to tell myself that very same thing. That knowing he is safe and loved is so much better than never knowing. We can watch him from afar, spend time with him. It’s got to be better than nothing.”
She nodded, her tears wetting his skin through the fabric of his shirt. “Vanessa is a wonderful mother. Better than I could ever dream of being. It’s for the best, really.”
“Don’t say that,” he told her, hugging her tightly. “Don’t ever say that. I know you would be an amazing mother.”
“Well, I guess we’ll never know,” she said, her voice choked with tears.
He took a deep breath. “There could be other children,” he said, tipping her chin back so he could gaze into her tragic eyes. “Please, Serenity, let me give you another child. I’ll keep you safe this time, I swear it. Give me a chance to make things right.”
“How can you make it right?” she cried, wrenching away from him. “You think we can just replace Gabriel, as though he were an old overcoat? I loved you, Luke! You made love to me and convinced me that I could trust you. But then you left! And I had to go through all that pain and grief by myself! Now, to find out that my child lived, that he’s so close, yet I can never call him my own? I can’t live with that, Luke. I can’t just pretend like I don’t know. I can’t remain friends with Vanessa, not with this jealousy eating me up inside. And that you could even speak of having another child now, when this wound is so fresh, staggers me.”
Too late, he realized how poorly he’d handled this. She was right, he should never have said that, he was just so desperate to fill the empty places inside him. He wanted a child so badly, and he knew that it would be unbearable to watch Gabriel grow up from a distance.
“Please,” he whispered. “Come back. I didn’t mean it that way. I just want to see you happy. I want to be the one who gives you everything you want.”
“I think you should go,” she told him, her voice suddenly sounding so weary, as though she was tired of the very thought of him. “We both need to sleep; we need to try and come to terms with the situation as it is. Tomorrow we can decide where we go from here. I just can’t right now. Not tonight.”
He stared at her for a long moment, trying to think of something, anything, to make her change her mind and let him stay. He wanted to hold her, to fall asleep in her arms, to cry and mourn with her, and then think of a way for them to move on, together. His life did not make sense without her in it. Didn’t she feel the same?
Apparently, she did not. She blamed him for what had happened, and why wouldn’t she? It was his fault. He’d been hesitant to tell her how he truly felt, hesitant to give her the protection of his name, thus leaving her alone and vulnerable to his mother and Roger’s machinations.
Maybe she just needed time. He supposed that was the least of what he owed her.
“All right,” he said slowly. “I’ll go.”
* * *
The minute Luke had left her room, Serenity sprang from the bed, her thoughts and emotions in a whirl. She’d known that it was best to leave Gabriel with Vanessa and Adrian, but a part of her had wanted Luke to fight for his family. She’d wanted him to take Gabriel from his brother, beg her to be his wife, and take them to Hawkesmere House, where they could finally become a family.
She knew that was irrational, and not the best thing for Gabriel, but still, she’d wanted him to at least suggest it. Instead, what he had suggested…
Shaking her head, she began throwing her things in a bag. She couldn’t believe he’d asked her for another baby as if Gabriel meant nothing to him.
Maybe he didn’t. After all, he hadn’t mourned him all these years. He hadn’t even known about him until a few days ago. Of course, it was easy for him to move on.
She could never move on. She would forever be stuck in the moment Roger had told her that her baby was dead.
Picking up the bank book, she stared at the amount, tears blurring the figures. This was his money, so it wasn’t truly the freedom that she’d wanted. But he’d said she could use it to make her own decisions, and she knew the only decision she could possibly make to keep them from tearing each other apart was to leave. She couldn’t stay here, in his house, making love to him, seeing their child being raised by his brother. He still hadn’t asked her to marry him, not that he ever would. She had to face the reality that she was nothing more than his mistress, just as she’d been back then. If he truly loved her, he would have married her and given their child his name.
Instead, he simply wanted to move on and put the past behind him.
She felt a sudden intense longing for the place she’d grown up. He’d said she could go back there, that the cottage was empty.
Her instinct was to simply disappear, but she knew she couldn’t do that again. She had to tell him what she planned, because leaving him searching for her would be cruel. She would always love him. She didn’t want to hurt him. Taking a deep breath, she gathered her wits and sat down to write him a letter.