“Can we talk?”

My father’s voice surprises me, the half-dozed state I fell into quickly disappearing as I lift my head from the pillow.

I’ve spent most of the past week in this very spot, not having any reason to get out of bed other than to use the bathroom and grab some sort of nourishment. Don’t ask me what I’ve put into my mouth these last few days because I have absolutely no idea. Whenever the pangs in my stomach became too much to bear, I’d simply stumble down to the kitchen, grabbing the first thing I laid my hands on before retreating upstairs.

Nothing tastes like it used to. So why bother wasting the time?

Though that was all I had these days—time. Going from having every minute of every day planned for me to having nothing to do but sulk in my own sorrow was quite a shock to the system at first. But I have been gradually adjusting. At least I didn’t have to listen to Elder Fisher’s incessant rambling anymore.

I push myself up from the bed, running a hand through my disheveled hair as I nod at my dad. “Sure. Have a seat.”

He lingers in the doorway. “Actually, Mom took Jenny shopping. Said she wanted to get a head start on back-to-school clothes before stores got too crazy.”

My heart sinks when he mentions my sister. She’s hardly said two words to me since I’ve been back, spending as much time as possible at her friend’s house or locked up in my parents’ room with my mother. One thing that didn’t really cross my mind on the flight home was how my relationship with Jenny would change. She’s always looked up to me. And I’ve let her down.

My dad continues, his voice breaking me out of my thoughts. “I was thinking maybe we could head out back, shoot a few hoops.”

My sadness at the thought of Jenny evaporates, and the smile that spreads across my face is the first genuine thing I’ve felt since stepping foot back inside this house. Other than shame, that is.

“I’d like that.”

Out in the backyard, Dad and I fall into a comfortable rhythm, all the nights we spent back here as I was growing up coming back like they were only yesterday. Before I know it, I’m laughing as he attempts to guard me like he used to.

His hands in my face, he taunts me, “Don’t miss, J. Don’t miss…”

I take a step back, swiveling to the left as I let off the shot. The net swishes as the ball goes straight through.

“Lucky shot,” he jokes, grabbing the ball and getting right back on offense.

We play for over an hour, the tense awkwardness of the last week nowhere in sight. It’s the first time since I left LA that my thoughts aren’t consumed with Quinn and the mistakes I’ve made.

After I win the third game, my father palms the ball, tucking it into his side as he collapses onto the grass. I lie down next to him, the melody of our labored breathing the only audible sound in the quiet evening.

“You got lucky, kid. I’ll get you next time,” he says after a minute, his voice finally steady.

Just the fact that he’s even insinuating there will be a next time is like music to my ears.

“Keep telling yourself that, old man. Maybe, someday, it’ll come true,” I retort, pushing myself up into a sitting position and resting my weight on the palms of my hands.

Dad joins me, ruffling my sweaty hair like I’m nine instead of nineteen. He gives me a sad smile when my eyes find his.

“Why, Jaden? I just need to know why. I’ve asked myself this question time and time again since getting that phone call from Elder Shaw. And, each time, I come up empty. Why did you do this?”

All the air rushes from my lungs, the happiness I was feeling only moments before vanishing with just a few words. I should’ve known it was only temporary. Dad wanted me to feel like I could trust him, so he brought me back to those times when he was my best friend. Back to the times when I really could tell him anything. But what I have to say now…he doesn’t want to hear it. Not really.

I shake my head, letting out an exasperated breath, as I start to push myself to my feet. My father’s hand closes around my wrist, pulling me back down beside him before I can get far.

“We need to talk, J. I need you to explain it to me.”

I prop my arms up on my knees, my hands dangling loosely between them as I hang my head. “You won’t understand, Dad.”

“Try me,” is his only response.

Closing my eyes, I tilt my head back on my neck and turn my face toward the sky. If ever there was a time I needed the Lord’s help in getting through a conversation, it’s now.

Please. Please don’t let him hate me after this.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen, Dad. I didn’t want to let you and Mom down. I want you to know that. It wasn’t intentional. But it was one hundred percent unavoidable. From the moment I met Quinn, this was destined to happen.”

I turn to look at him, expecting to see regret etched into his face. Instead, his features are blank, his face completely impassive as he waits for me to continue.

“I’ve always felt a little…different, you know? My whole life, I thought there was something wrong with me. I ignored it, thinking, if I prayed hard enough and followed the Lord, He’d help me overcome it. So, I dated. I waited and waited to feel something, anything, for even one of those girls. But it never happened.

“When the church made their announcement that children of gay couples couldn’t become members until they were eighteen and out of their parents’ house, I almost lost it. That’s what the meeting with the bishop was about before I got my call. You hadn’t been there in priesthood meeting that day, but I’d asked some questions people didn’t like.”

He nods. “I heard. You should know, nothing is secret for long within those walls. People talk.”

I did know. I just hoped that, maybe this one time, things were different.

“You never asked me about it.”

He shrugs. “I figured you’d gotten your answers from the bishop. When you didn’t raise the issue with me, I just assumed you didn’t need me. I didn’t want to bring up something that might embarrass you.”

I let out a humorless laugh. “Embarrass me? Or embarrass you?”

If he’d had the courage to speak with me all those months ago, maybe this whole situation could have been avoided.

He gives me a sharp look. “You are always at the forefront of my thoughts. Everything I do, I do for you and your brother and sister.”

“So, giving me the cold shoulder for the last week was for my own good?” I spew.

At least he has the audacity to look chagrined. “I’m sorry about that, J. I shouldn’t have done that. But I am human. I needed some time to adjust.”

“You needed time? Do you have any idea what the few days leading up to that phone call from the mission president were like for me? I needed my family. And all I got was rejection.”

“I don’t know,” he says quickly, again stopping me as I try to get to my feet. “But I’d like to. Please. Tell me what happened.”

“You don’t want to know. You don’t want to hear about how I fell in love with another man and how he helped me discover things about myself I’d always thought were missing. You don’t want to know how it felt to finally feel accepted by someone, only to have to hide that side of myself from the rest of the world. You don’t want to know how hard I tried to fight it, to no avail. You don’t want to hear what it was like, watching someone beat the crap out of him simply because of who he is. I loved him, Dad. Love him. I couldn’t have prevented this from happening any more than you could stop loving Mom. And, if that makes me unwelcome in your house, then I guess I’ll pack my shit and go.”

This time, I get to my feet, running toward the back door before the threatening tears spill out onto my cheeks. My dad catches up to me before I can get inside though, grabbing my arms and wheeling me around to face him.

“You think that’s what this is about? Jeez, Jaden, give me a little bit of credit. Was it a shock to hear that you’d broken your covenants and with another man? Of course it was. But you know what my first thought was after hearing that?”

“How in the hell did I raise a queer?” I spit out.

“No!” he shouts, giving me a rough shake. “No. You’re my son, Jaden. That doesn’t change because of who you love. The love I feel for you—and Taylor and Jenny—is unconditional. My first thought wasn’t being ashamed that you were gay. In fact, those words never even crossed my mind until you just said them. Because I’m not ashamed of you, J. You’re a good kid, and nothing will ever change that. I don’t care what anybody else says. My first thought when I heard what had happened was why you hadn’t come to me with something like this. My first thought was that I had failed you, making you think you had to hide yourself from me. You should’ve been able to tell me anything. And I’m so, so sorry you felt that you couldn’t. The only disappointment I feel is directed at myself. I should’ve been there for you, and I wasn’t.”

“So…you’re not mad?”

“No, son. I’m not mad. Not at you anyway. I’m sad that you felt you couldn’t talk to me. When I asked you to explain, I meant, explain the ways I failed you. What did I do to make you think you couldn’t tell me what you were feeling?”

I sit down on the steps leading up to the porch, my dad taking the seat next to me and putting his arm around my shoulders.

“I didn’t want…” My voice breaks. “I didn’t want people to talk. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to choose between me and the church. You know how they feel about people like me, Dad. Plus, I wasn’t ready to admit it to myself. This life is the only thing I’ve ever known. How am I supposed to just throw it all away? I thought, if I ignored it long enough, it would go away. But then I met Quinn, and he showed me the way life could be. The way life should be.”

Dad hugs me into his side. “It’s a powerful thing—love. It has the capability of opening your eyes to a whole new world, a world you didn’t even think was possible until you meet the person who can take you there. Despite what the church teaches, I could never be ashamed of you for finding that person. I might not understand it, but I accept it. I accept and love you for who you are, J. Always have, and I always will. I don’t care what people say. Let them talk. As long as you’re happy, that’s all I care about. I love you, and I love my church. But you need to know that, if it came down to it, if I were forced to choose between the two of you, there wouldn’t even be a question. I’d choose you.”

He pulls me into a fierce hug, and I collapse into his embrace. It’s as if the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders, and I feel like I can finally breathe. I let the tears I was holding back roll down my cheeks, but they’re tears of relief and joy, my father’s words and strong arms giving me more hope than I could’ve ever wished for. Knowing he’s on my side, I feel like I can take on the world.

“You don’t have to throw anything away by the way,” he says, his voice muffled against my shoulder.

I pull back, giving him a questioning look.

“You said you didn’t want to throw away the life you’ve always known. You don’t have to. The church might not approve of your new lifestyle, but that doesn’t mean you have to cut yourself off from the Lord. He’ll never turn his back on you.”

“But, if I’m not a Mormon, I don’t even know where to begin. How do I maintain a relationship with God and Jesus if I’m not a member of the church?”

My dad smiles, his eyes crinkling in the corners, showing the years he spent learning the ways of the world. “You just keep living the way you think is right. Keep praying. Keep doing good in this world. God knows where your heart lies even if the church doesn’t quite understand.”

I’m surprised to hear my dad talk this way, never before giving any indication he might disagree with anything the church teaches.

I open my mouth to question it, but he cuts me off, “The Bible says it’s a sin for a man to lie with another man. But the Bible also says a lot of other things that are now considered to be out of date and void. The world is changing, and change is what makes the world go round. Thinking God isn’t the driving force behind these changes, that he doesn’t have a hand in everything that goes on in our lives, is silly. How can God create such an intelligent life force and expect it to remain the same way it was two thousand years ago? Things that might have been applicable back then might not be so now. It’s just a matter of time before everyone realizes that. This connotation that God’s will bends for no man is foolish. Not when He created man in the first place.”

“Thanks, Dad. You have no idea what those words mean to me.”

“I mean every single one, J. You’re going to have some tough times ahead of you. There’s a whole lot of ugly in this world. But you’re strong. I know you can rise above it. You just have to take it one step at a time.”

My face falls when it occurs to me that there are others in this house who might not agree. “I wish Mom were here.”

Dad’s shoulders slump. “Your mother is…stubborn. She’ll come around though, J. Don’t worry about it. She’s been told one thing her entire life, and it’s hard for her to move past it. She’s upset, but she loves you, too. She just needs some time.”

It hurts, knowing my mother feels for me exactly the way I feared. She hasn’t said a single word to me in all the days I’ve been home, leaving the room immediately anytime I’ve ventured into her vicinity. But, like my dad said, I need to face things one step at a time. Today was my dad. Tomorrow…who knows what tomorrow might bring?

“So, tell me about this Quinn fellow,” my dad says, his tone light, vanquishing the sullen air that settled around us at the mention of my mother.

“He’s…amazing. Everything I have ever wanted to be but was too scared to admit…that’s Quinn. He has this…vibrancy about him that just draws people. He wants to be an actor, and I know, if he’s given the shot, he’ll blow people away.”

“He sounds pretty great. When do I get to meet him?”

The excitement that flooded through me as I talked about Quinn evaporates. I shake my head, sighing, as I try to figure out how to explain what happened.

“I blew it with him, Dad. I took off without even saying good-bye, too scared about what I might be facing here to even have the courage to face what was right before me. I didn’t leave any way for him to reach me. I was a coward, and there’s no way he’ll ever want anything to do with me again.”

To my surprise, my dad laughs. I stare up at him in horror as he smiles at what might be the worst time of my life.

“Sorry,” he apologizes when he sees my indignant look. “I just remember being your age. Everything feels like the end of the world. But there’s nothing that isn’t fixable.”

“I don’t know, Dad. I wouldn’t want to face me if I were him.”

“Well, don’t you think that should be his decision?”

I nod but then voice my real concern, “What do I do if he turns me away?”

He smiles, clapping his hand on my shoulder. “Take it from me, J. You’re a pretty amazing guy. There’s no way he’s going to give you up without a fight.”

He climbs to his feet, pulling me up alongside him. Together, we walk into the house. I head to the kitchen, feeling famished for the first time since leaving LA.

Dad follows me, grabbing his laptop, and he pulls out a stool at the counter. “Let’s see. First flight back to LA leaves tonight at ten. That gives us just over three hours to figure out a game plan.”