The Christmas season had swept into Zach’s life like a tornado. Now that it was officially December, he felt within his rights to start putting up decorations. He already had a few boxes full of leftover stuff from last year, and some hand-me-downs from his parents, but this year he felt like going all out.

He had gotten the itch to turn his house into a Christmas wonderland, and since then had been spending most of his free time putting up everything he had. Lights were pinned up along the outside of his house and through the trees as well. He even had a light up Santa to put on the lawn. Then there were wreaths to hang on the doors and windows, and all sorts of figurines to set out around the house.

But it only took him most of Saturday to put everything up, and even then, it didn’t feel like enough.

It definitely wasn’t because he was trying to distract himself from thinking about Shane. Or Noah. Nope, not at all. He was just really into the Christmas spirit this year.

He woke up Sunday morning feeling restless. His house felt too empty, too lonely, and he wanted so badly to call Shane and ask him to go to coffee or something, or anything, but in the end he couldn’t bring himself to. That would send mixed signals, right? He had made his decision, and he should stick to it. He couldn’t just jerk Shane around, changing his mind back and forth.

So the obvious answer was he needed more Christmas decorations.

Winters’ Wonderland had put an ad in the newspaper the Sunday after Thanksgiving. It was a family owned business only open around the holidays, selling everything you could ever need for Christmas. He’d had the pleasure of speaking to the matriarch of their family, Mary Ann, when she came in to drop off the check and contents of the ad. They’d talked for so long that Zach’s morning coffee had gone cold by the time she left. He had loved her southern charm and wit, so when he considered where to go shop for his holiday needs, he knew that’d be the place.

Thankfully he hadn’t come too early despite it being a Sunday, as there were already a few other vehicles parked outside in the strip mall’s parking lot.

When he stepped into the shop, he was assaulted with a Christmas explosion. The walls were covered floor to ceiling with shelves of collectables and boards covered in hanging ornaments. There were numerous display tables scattered about, all covered with glitter cotton which resembled snow, with motion-activated Santas and nativity scenes. Not to mention the Christmas trees, each more colorful and beautiful than the last. It even smelled like Christmas in here.

It was amazing, and Zach couldn’t help but grin widely as the door closed behind him, causing the jingle bells hanging above it to clatter loudly.

“Welcome!” A woman’s voice called from the back of the store. “How ya’ll doin’ today? Oh! Zach.” A moment later he saw the short, silver haired woman appear from behind a display table, wearing the cutest Christmas sweater he’d ever seen—a pair of reindeer sipping hot cocoa.

“Hey, Mary Ann,” he replied warmly, and accepted the hug the woman quickly swept forward to pull him into. “Told you I’d swing by.”

“Knew ya couldn’t stay away,” she replied with a wink. “You lookin’ for anything in particular today?”

“I need some more lights for my house, but otherwise just looking. Thought I might see about getting some more lawn decorations. Maybe some more stuff to put up around the house if I see anything I like.”

She nodded, patting his arm a bit after she released him, then pointed him towards a far wall. “We got our lawn decorations over there. Lights are right beside it. Got just about every color you could ever want, honey.”

He peered over, then smiled down at her. “Thanks, Mary Ann. You’ve saved my Christmas.”

She laughed, eyes creasing. “You and that paper have done us some good too, you know. Business has been booming. Expect it to be a busy day today. Now I got to go set up the ornament painting, but if you need anything you just give me a holler.”

“I will,” he assured, giving a playful salute. She laughed and moved off towards the back again.

Now it was time to hunt down the most adorable, most kitschy, most impossible to be sad around decorations he could find.

Later that evening, Zach stood back and looked over his handiwork. There were several more strands of lights put up, which flashed and twinkled, making the house bright and cheerful. The inflatable penguin and snowman he had bought at Winters’ Wonderland had been installed too, on the other side of the yard from the Santa. The penguin was stretching up to try to put a hat on top of the snowman’s head, while wearing an adorable scarf and mittens. It all made the lawn look a lot more festive, and he couldn’t help but pat himself on the back for having put it all up by himself. It was almost sunset, so soon he could turn all of it on to really see how it looked in all its lit-up glory.

Before he could head inside, he heard a car driving past behind him, the tires slowing as they drew closer. He glanced over his shoulder in time to recognize Andre’s car as it pulled into the driveway behind his own vehicle.

He waved enthusiastically, flashing a smile at the other man as he climbed out. “Hey! You came just in time. I just finished setting up.”

“So I see,” Andre said, surveying the yard and house. “Looks like you’re going all out this year.”

Zach shrugged. “Thought I could use a little extra Christmas cheer, I guess.”

Andre eyed him a bit. “I take it the date didn’t go well, then?”

He grimaced. He knew the question was coming, but had hoped to put it off a little longer at least. So much for his army of Christmas decorations keeping him distracted.

“It’s not that it didn’t go well…” He sighed. “It actually was pretty great. Shane is great.”

“But?”

“But I just don’t think I’m ready.” Zach shrugged. “I tried to do what you said, but it just felt weird. I kept thinking about Noah, and how it had started off great with him too, and just… I don’t know. I couldn’t get out of my head, I guess.”

“Hm.” Andre watched him for a moment with sympathy.

“If you’re going to judge me, you might as well do it inside,” Zach sighed. He headed for the door, holding it open for the other man, and then followed him in.

“I’m not judging you,” Andre said while he sunk into the couch, eyes surveying the huge Christmas tree set up in the corner, its branches so full that it made the room feel smaller. It was covered in ornaments and lights, which cast the room with a tinkling, soothing glow and colorful cheer.

“I’m proud of you for going on the date in the first place,” he added, focusing back on Zach. “But I think you might be sabotaging yourself from being happy.”

Zach rocked on his feet for a moment, then moved to plop down beside Andre, slumping down and stretching his long legs out in front of him. He was fairly certain Andre might be right, but he couldn’t bring himself to admit it.

“Tell me how the date went,” Andre prompted gently.

“We went to Rocket. It was simple, you know? Just us talking, eating pizza. Man, I was so nervous. And he was so funny and charming and hot. I was trying to be funny too, but I dunno, I just felt so lame. We talked about our experiences coming out, and our jobs, and things we liked. He really seemed like a great guy, and ugh, we had great chemistry. I didn’t want things to end, for us to stop talking, but we couldn’t just sit there forever, and as time went on I started getting nervous and overthinking everything. Like… thinking about what could happen after, and if I was ready for that—for sex, or just being close to someone. Or if he was really as nice as he seemed to be, or if this was all just a huge mistake, or was going to just end up being a huge dumpster fire, or… whatever. It was a lot. So after we ate, he asked if I wanted to continue the date and go somewhere else, and I just… panicked. I told him we should just be friends.”

Andre’s legs crossed, hands folding together on his lap as he listened, nodding here and there. “Well,” he started after a moment of silence once Zach had finished rambling, “it almost sounds like you regret that decision now?”

Zach sighed heavily. “Maybe? I don’t know. I keep thinking about him, and thinking about calling or texting—maybe see if he wants to hang out.”

“Why haven’t you?” Andre asked.

“I don’t want to lead him on, just to end up panicking and nopeing out again, you know?” Zach rubbed a hand over his face with a groan. “I don’t know what I want.”

Andre nodded faintly, then smiled softly. “I can’t tell you what you want, or what you need, Zach. But I know what you deserve. And what you deserve is to find someone who will make you feel cherished and cared for. You deserve a partner that will make you laugh, and who will stand beside you, who will support you. You are the kindest, most generous, most caring person I have ever met, and you deserve to be happy. And if you think there’s a possibility Shane could make you happy, then you would be doing yourself a disservice by ignoring him.”

Zach’s chest tightened. It felt like someone had tied his windpipe up in a knot, and he had to swallow down the sob threatening to choke out. His eyes stung from the tears welling up, and he couldn’t bring himself to look Andre in the eye.

Did he really deserve to be happy?

He could practically hear Noah’s voice echoing inside his head, repeating some of the words he’d said the last time they’d talked. The last time Noah had begged him to forgive him.

“You’re never going to find anyone who loves you as much as I do.”

“Do you really think anyone else would want to marry someone who left their fiancé the day of their wedding?”

Was Noah really that deep inside his head still? Was this why he was so terrified to open himself up to someone else?

Even after months of trying to distance himself, of trying to heal, he was still so weak. So stupid. Why would Shane want anyone like him, anyway?

His shoulders slumped, but before he could curl in upon himself, Andre had slid closer and pulled him into a tight hug. Zach sniffed, turning to lean into the shorter man, an arm slinging around his shoulders to squeeze in return.

“Don’t you dare try to say it’s not true,” Andre continued firmly, while he rubbed his back gently. “I know it, Grayson and Gwen know it, your family knows it… Everyone knows how amazing you are, Zach.” His tone lightened. “Maybe you have trouble seeing it from way up there, but we do.”

Zach chuckled weakly. “The air is a lot thinner all the way up here. Makes things a bit blurry sometimes…” He sniffed. “Thanks, Dre. Really.”

He wasn’t sure if he was completely convinced. Sure, he trusted Andre’s judgement in people. That should translate to trusting Andre’s opinion of Zach as well, but that was easier said than done. No matter how he looked at it, he couldn’t see himself as anything but flawed.

Still, it was good to have a friend’s support, and Andre’s words helped to lift his spirits at least, allowing him to filter his anxiety through a clearer lens.

Maybe giving Shane another shot really was the right thing to do.

Andre released him after a light clap on the shoulder. “You’re welcome. Now, I’m not telling you to call Shane and see if he wants a redo on the date, but I think you should consider it.”

He rubbed tears from his eyes, nodding. “Okay. I can do that, at least.”

Andre smiled warmly, then his lips quirked into a grin. “In the meantime… I want to surprise Grayson and Gwen with some of your mother’s Christmas cookies. You think you could give me the recipe?”

“Oh, so now I know the real reason why you came over.” Zach laughed, straightening up. “I’ll do you one better. Come on, I’ll show you how to make them. I could use some cookies to gorge on, and I just bought the most adorable cookie cutters today.”

“My lucky day,” Andre laughed, then followed Zach into the kitchen to be taught how to make the perfect icing covered sugar cookie.