Chapter 46

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Alex

MY BODY WAS ON a fishing boat somewhere in the ocean off Costa Rica, but my mind and heart were still in New York. I was absolutely miserable but trying my hardest to pretend as if everything was okay in front of my father. I hadn’t told him anything that happened between Rose and me, so I put on my best smile when inside my heart was torn to shreds.

“I think I could retire here easily,” my father said, taking a seat next to me and handing me a beer.

“Yeah, it’s pretty nice.”

“Of course, I’d never get your mother to agree to it, but I can dream.”

I nodded and feigned a quick chuckle.

“So, when did you guys break up?” my father asked, taking a long, slow pull from his beer bottle.

“What?”

“You’ve been moping around since we left, checking your phone constantly, and you haven’t mentioned her name once.”

I rubbed my hand down the side of my face. “I screwed up.”

“In what way?”

“I just kept something from her I shouldn’t have.”

“That doesn’t seem like it’s grounds for a breakup.”

“Yeah, well, it is when it was the second major thing I kept from her.” I sighed heavily, wishing I could go back in time and do things differently.

“Do you love her?”

I stared out at the mass of bright blue ocean in front of me and nodded.

“When you get back you need to tell her that.”

“I did, Dad. She doesn’t want to hear it.”

“Make her listen. Don’t just give up. Make her see you’re truly sorry for whatever it is you’ve done.”

“I’ve apologized to her and will always regret what I’ve done, but maybe I don’t deserve to be forgiven by her. She’s a great person who’ll always be my biggest regret, and if I could go back and do things differently I would. But I can’t. The same way I can’t go back and redo a lot of other mistakes in my life. Ones that turned me into this bitter, nasty person I was not too long ago. One who even I couldn’t stand being around until Rose came into my life and changed all that. She made me see things so differently. I wasn’t numb anymore. I know better than anyone that sometimes second chances are hard to come by. So, my greatest punishment in life will be that someone as caring and loving as Rose, someone who I had fallen so hard for, is no longer in my life. That’s my burden to bear, no one else’s.” I took a swig of my beer, hoping we could veer off this topic.

“That’s bullshit!” my father shouted.

Gauging from his response, that wasn’t going to be happening. “We’re given second chances every single day. Our family is the perfect example of that. You’re walking again after your injury, your mother beat her cancer, and…” He paused for a moment, his eyes glazed over with emotion. “And me getting a second chance with your mother.”

“A second chance with what?” I crumpled my eyebrows.

He stared out at the sea, his face deadpan when he shifted his attention back to me. “I had an affair,” he whispered.

My eyes widened. If he was telling me this to try and make me feel better about my situation, he was doing a pretty shitty job. “What?” I snapped.

“Yeah,” he muttered, redirecting his gaze straight ahead.

My stomach churned. My entire life I knew my dad could be a dick at times but never unfaithful. If anything, that was what I admired the most about him, his ability to be such a good husband to my mother. Now he had ruined that image completely. “Why are you telling me this? Do you think this is gonna make me feel better or something? Because really, all it’s done is pissed me off more…at you.” I raised my voice.

“I know.” He nodded. His tone was calm and even, like someone who was readying themselves to take an emotional beating to repent for their mistakes.

“How could you have done that to her?”

“Alex, there were a lot of things that happened in our marriage. Things between just your mother and me. Yes, for the most part we’ve had the perfect marriage, and now we do once again. But it was tough there for a while. Every time you’d go away, she’d become more and more distant. She shut down and stopped living. It was like she was preparing herself for something to happen to you. She’d cry every day. The phone would ring, and she’d hold her breath until she knew for certain who was on the other line. Nothing I could do would break her from it. I begged her to go talk to someone, so she could cope a little better, and she refused. Instead, she slipped farther and farther away from us.”

“So, what are you saying, you cheated because of me? That’s a real good one, Dad! You couldn’t deal with your wife’s depression, so you go fuck someone else!” I shouted, causing some of the other people on the boat to look our way.

He nodded in the same calm fashion as before. “Yeah, that’s exactly what I did, and I’m owning responsibility for it. I’m not making excuses. It was shitty, and it shouldn’t have happened. But it was a mistake. I could’ve chosen to let your mother just walk away, but I loved her too damn much.”

“If you loved her so much then how could you cheat on her?”

“That’s a question I ask myself every single day, and I still don’t have the answer.” His eyes filled with tears. It was the first time in my life I’d ever seen him cry. The closest he’d ever come was when I’d first woken up in the hospital after being hurt.

I closed my eyes, trying my best to put things in perspective. This was between him and my mother, and if she chose to forgive him, then who was I to allow my anger to fester.

“I-I don’t know what you want me to say,” I muttered.

“I don’t want you to say anything. It’s something your mother and I kept between ourselves, but I want you to see that if your mother was able to forgive me for that, then surely Rose will be able to forgive you for whatever it is you’ve done. If you really do care for her the way I think you do, don’t give up on her.” He patted me on the shoulder before standing up and walking to the other end of the boat.

Rose was so stubborn, and it wasn’t going to be an easy battle, but she was definitely worth putting up a fight for. I debated on whether I should call her or wait until I was home in two more days and do it face-to-face, when another idea came to mind. I knew it was a risk, but I had nothing else to lose and so much to gain.