Ethan

“What the hell do we do now?” I whisper.

William's jaw clenches so hard, I flinch, afraid his exploding teeth will hit my eye. He steps away from me sharply, only to put his hands on my arms and pull me in when I make a pained sound. I collapse against him, my heart pounding its way through my ribs.

God, I think she saw us making out.

“I don't know,” he says, “I need to think. I don't know.”

He lets go of me and paces, ripping his fingers through his hair sharply.

“Should we talk to her?” I ask.

“You mean intimidate her into silence?”

I blink a few times. “What? No! No, not that at all. Just talk to her. You don't think—”

“That she'll report us?”

“Why would she?” I ask.

He paces some more and goes from savaging his hair to scrubbing his hands over his face and clutching his jaw. He seems desperate to find something to do with them, or he'll end up choking himself. He finally relents and presses them hard into the brick of the railing, his fingers white with pressure.

“I don't know what the hell to do,” he finally says.

“Why do we do anything right now?” I say. “Maybe if we talk to her in the morning…”

William laughs bitterly. “I knew this would happen.”

“Come on—”

“It's my fault. I should have known better. Now you'll lose everything. I was…I think I'm in love with you.”

Now. He has to say it now. It's like a blow to my chest, because there seems to be an unspoken but in the way of that sentence, hanging there unseen and unknown but ready to fall at any moment and land between us, as hard and sharp as a blade.

“I'm not giving up on you,” I tell him. “I don't care what happens, I won't do that to you.”

“It doesn't matter what happens to me. I'm worried about what will happen to you. How this will impact your career and your future. Rumors, innuendos…you'll be toxic.”

I frown and touch his shoulder lightly.

He flinches.

“I think we just need to talk to her,” I say.

“About what? Do you think she'll believe it if we say you were choking and needed CPR?”

“No, that'd be more if you were doing me from behind. We could say it was the Heimlich maneuver.”

He looks at me, furious.

“Okay, okay, bad time for jokes,” I say. “Look, there has to be—”

“There isn't,” he says. “I have to go to Carol on Monday morning. Tell her everything. I'll fall on my sword if—”

“You will not!” I bellow, my voice carrying into the night.

He flinches.

“You are not going on some martyrdom crusade to atone for whatever and put it on me, William. I won't let you. If you go to see her, we go together. I want her to know that this was not something that was inflicted on me, or done to me, or pressured onto me, or anything else. I initiated. I wanted you,” I suck in a hitching breath, “and my God I've destroyed you. What did I do?”

“Ethan—”

I bolt, trying to squeeze back the tears. The full weight of what's happened hit me.

I could have stopped this if I'd just gone back to my room instead of wanting to have a dumbass romantic interlude on the roof deck.

I could have had a little fun with him and kept it from being serious.

I could have let him break it off when he wanted to.

I could have, you know, not jumped on his dick like a thirsty slutboy the first chance I got.

I could have controlled myself. Not let my emotions get the better of me.

I didn't know how desperately I wanted and needed this one thing until I had it, and now I've destroyed it.

William is a few steps behind. I let the elevator door close and hear him pound it as I jab the button. When it reaches our floor, I leap off and storm into my room, locking the door.

I hear his footsteps outside rushing up, hear him panting. He thumps on the door.

“Ethan!” he hisses, loud enough for me to hear but not too loud. “Open this door.”

“No,” I say. “I'm sorry, William. I just can't.”

He hits the door with both hands.

“Let me in,” he says. “Ethan I'm sorry, this isn't the end, we can figure things out—”

I open the door slowly.

He looks down at me, reaches for me, puts his hands on my shoulders. Gingerly, I lift them off.

“It's over,” I tell him. “If she says anything, I will deny it. If I have to quit being your TA, I will accept it without argument. I will…I will say that nothing has passed between us, and that I…I initiated…tonight was the first time…” I put it all in place in my head, and it makes sense. “It all came from me. All you have to do is go with it.”

He stands there staring at me, something in his eyes shattered like glass.

“You'd deny me?” he says.

“I'd save you,” I whisper. “I love you too much to destroy everything that matters to you.”

“Like what, my job? My cat?”

“You definitely care about the cat.”

His chest heaves.

“Don't do this.”

“It's done,” I say.

“If you love me—”

“I'm doing this because I love you.”

“I won't deny it,” he says, grabbing the door as I go to close it. “I won't lie about who I am anymore, and I won't lie about what you mean to me. I'll work in a coffee shop, I don't care. I—”

He turns sharply and looks down the hall.

“Oh fuck,” he mutters.

Becky strides up to him, haggard and tired and dressed in Hello Kitty pajamas, in some cosmic mockery of this entire situation. Standing next to her is Scarlett, Crush Girl, the Witness, the one who saw us in that naked place where we let go of everything but our dreams. The two of them stare at William and Becky looks at me, her mouth working.

“We need to talk,” she says.

“Well not in here,” I say, gesturing to my room. “Look at this place. We can't all fit.”

“It was cheap,” William growls.

I ignore him.

“You think that's bad,” Becky says, quietly. “Ours have bunk beds.”

The awkward silence begins, grows, and only seems to break when I glance down and notice something so natural that my eye might have passed over it, no more noteworthy than the pattern on the carpet or the color of the walls.

Becky is holding Scarlett's hand.

William stares at me perplexed for a moment, then he notices too, with a start.

“We should go back up to the roof,” Becky says.

“We?” I say.

“All of us.”

My heart hammers in my chest as I step into the elevator again. William follows me, and then the two girls. Becky jabs the button for the roof angrily and rides up in silence. We all pile out and onto the open, empty terrace. Becky grabs one of the metal chairs that's been put up on a cast iron table and takes it down. The rest of us join her, sitting around it.

“When Scarlett and I came up here, I went back to the Coke machine to get us a soda. She came back and told me what happened and ran into the stairwell. I followed her and calmed her down before we got back to the hall where all the other students are staying,” Becky says calmly, as if she were telling us that there might be a spot of rain tomorrow and we need umbrellas.

“I'm sorry,” Scarlett whines, pulling back tears. “I didn't mean to walk in on you.”

William looks at me.

“I don't know what to say,” he murmurs.

“I get why you begged for Scarlett to come on the trip,” I tell Becky.

Her cheeks color and she hardens her look.

“It's easy for us. We share a room. Nobody's using that top bunk.”

Scarlett turns a shade that justifies her flowery name.

William draws in a sharp gasp.

“If you'd told me,” he says, “I wouldn't have made you grovel.”

“I can't tell anybody,” Scarlett murmurs, her voice so small that the breeze almost swallows it.

“If my parents find out, I can't go back home. I'll be on the street.”

“I already told you that you can move in with me,” Becky says, gingerly stroking Scarlett's knuckles.

The other girl sniffs and chokes back a sob, but only one, and the two of us disappear from their world for a moment.

When they turn back to us, an awkward silence settles on the table.

“We're not going to blackmail you or something like that,” Becky says. “I wanted you to understand where we're coming from. If we hadn't walked in on you, you'd have walked in on us.”

“Wouldn't it be walked out on them?” Scarlett asks in a small voice. “Can you walk in on someone if they're outside?”

“The in part is conceptual,” William says solemnly.

Becky chokes back a snicker.

“Oh Ethan,” she says. “Are you happy with him? Blink twice if you need rescue.”

“I do not,” I say, firmly. “I…it's complicated. We're complicated.”

I put my hand on top of William's.

“We can get in a lot of trouble if someone finds out,” I say quietly.

“Uh,” Becky says.

“What?” William says, sharply.

She sucks in a breath.

“I'm sorry,” he whispers.

“You guys spend a lot of time together. Suddenly, Doctor McDoom, no offense, is Mister Sunshine. People talk. There's rumors. Jokes.”

“What kind of jokes?” William asks, his voice deadly smooth.

“That Ethan goes all fifty shades on you,” she says, staring him right in the eyes.

I burst out laughing. William is not amused.

“Yeah, uh, well,” I say.

Becky eyes me. “Yeah, I'd have to be blind not to see what's up. I've known for a couple of weeks now. You guys aren't as discrete as you think.”

William plunges his head in his hands only to rise up and scrub his fingers through his hair. He looks at them both.

“What you must think of me,” he says. “I'm so sorry.”

Becky studies him hard.

“Yeah. I'm judging you. Student sleeping with a teacher.” She looks at me, too. “I'm judging you both.”

William visibly wilts, his shoulders shrinking.

“I'm disappointed you guys were so obvious. You must realize what's at stake. I almost said something to both of you but I couldn't bring myself to do it. When this happened, I knew we couldn't drop it and we had to have our cards on the table. I'm here to tell you that if you keep going on, you will be caught. It's only a matter of time. Jennifer could have walked up here on a smoke break or something and been the one to catch you. Or any of the others.”

I expect William to bristle at being scolded, but he doesn't.

“You're right. What are you going to do?”

“If you mean, are we going to blow the whistle? No. We're going to go back to bed and survive the rest of this awkward trip until we can get home.”

I nod.

“We need to talk,” William says. “Would you mind?”

“Just don't stay too long,” Becky says, rising. “Or didn't you guys learn your lesson?”

William snorts. “Point taken.”

I look at Scarlett.

“I really thought you had a crush on Will…on William.” I almost correct to using his title but then correct my correction.

“No,” she says. “I just…I just had questions I wanted to ask.”

“Come to my office during office hours,” William says, almost by rote.

After the two of them leave, we sit there for a while.

“We don't have to talk now,” I say, gently. “We can—”

“We have to break this off,” he says.

I flinch back. “What?”

“Oh, come off it,” he says. “Five minutes ago you were the one dumping me out of chivalry.”

“Is it chivalry if we're both dudes?” I say.

“Enough jokes, Ethan. This is serious.”

I clear my throat. The devastation hasn't set in yet—I know it will when I realize that he just said he wants to break it off, but…I'm in shock. I think. I just stare.

“I don't mean permanently, but…we were both right. I don't want to end things. You matter to me more than the consequences. You were right too, though. If I throw everything away, what good am I to you?”

I take both his hands. “I didn't exactly fall in love with your vast riches, William. I fell for you.”

“I know,” he says, squeezing back. “What we need to do is this: We take a break, until you've graduated. It's what, two months? Until May? You can do that.”

“It sounds like an eternity,” I say.

“It's not. It'll pass quickly.”

“It'll feel like it,” I say.

“When we're both free, it won't matter. It'll seem like no time at all.”

“We have to do this,” I admit. “It's the only way.”

“I wish it weren't.”

“Me too,” I say. “I'm going back to my room. I'm not going to the museum tomorrow. Don't want to be attached at the hip. I'll grab Becky and Jennifer and go out with them tomorrow, too. Scold me for breaking curfew with them.”

“I will,” he says solemnly.

It feels like peeling my skin off, but I rise to leave.

It's not that long. I can do this.