“MON AMI, YOUR phone is giving me a headache!”
Nick was standing at the bar talking to Inoke and turned to see Bernard waving his phone at him.
After their most recent home-win, they’d all gone to Chez Felix for a meal. It was part of Nick’s relentless team-building activities. Laurent had come and was miserable as usual, insisting on sitting and drinking alone, but at least he’d come. He and Grégoire avoided each other as much as they could and were coolly polite to each other when they couldn’t, but that was an improvement from fist fights during a training session.
“Brendan is calling you,” said Bernard, handing the vibrating phone to Nick.
At the mention of Brendan’s name, Grégoire glanced up, a half-hopeful look on his face.
“Hi, Bren. Did you have a good … what? When? What happened?” He listened intently. “Which hospital?”
He felt the blood drain from his face and he gripped the bar with his free hand. He was falling off a cliff, the ground was roaring up towards him…
He realised that Brendan was still talking.
“Yeah, I’m still here. I’ll get there as soon as I can … no, I don’t care. Tell her I’ll be there. Bren, I … just … thank you.”
He ended the call and turned on his heel, his head thrumming with the news.
Anna, my Anna.
She was ill, and he was in another fucking country, a thousand miles away, hours away. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
“Nick?”
Bernard took a pace towards him, his forehead creased with concern.
“Is everything okay.”
“Anna’s in hospital. I need to go.”
Bernard looked stunned for a long moment, then snapped into action.
“I will drive you to the airport.”
Several of Nick’s teammates mumbled their sympathies, but he hardly heard them, nodding curtly.
Nick jumped into Bernard’s passenger seat as his friend revved the engine. They screeched out of the car park and were soon racing along the road to the airport.
His clumsy fingers flew over his phone as he booked the first flight he could, which meant changing at Paris.
“Shit! I can get as far as Paris, but there’s no connecting Heathrow flight until the morning!”
He grimaced, his frustration, his desperation painfully clear.
“What about you fly to Paris then take the train, the Eurostar?” Bernard asked. “That could work.”
Nick felt a cold numbness seeping through him. If he lost Anna, he would lose himself. He couldn’t lose her. He couldn’t.
All the bullshit of the last year, everything he’d put her through … why weren’t they together right now? Why was he in France when she needed him in London?
How could I be so fucking selfish?
He forced himself to concentrate on checking the times of the train and how many minutes he’d have to make the connection: it was tight, very tight. But if luck was on his side…
He bought the ticket anyway, sending up a quick prayer to the universe.
With nothing more to do than watch the night-time countryside slip past, he phoned his mum.
She answered on the first ring.
“Hello, luv! This is a nice surprise! How are you?”
“It’s Anna,” he said gruffly, his throat tightening as he said the words. “She’s been taken to hospital. I don’t know—it looks serious. I’m on my way to London now.”
There was a stunned silence.
“Oh Nick! Oh, I’m so sorry! What can we do?”
“I don’t know … I don’t think there’s anything … she’s in the best place. I just need to get there.”
He felt so fucking helpless.
“Have you told her mother?”
Nick nodded, even though his mother couldn’t see him.
“Brendan called her. She’s getting the first flight out of JFK. Look, will you tell Dad and Trish for me?”
“Yes, of course, luv. Try not to worry. Well, that’s silly, I know you will until you’ve seen her. Just look after yourself. Give our love to Anna, and tell her to look after my grandbabies!”
His mother’s voice was so soothing, he was glad he’d called her. Not that she could do anything.
Nick felt helpless. All his strength, all the hours he’d spent in the gym building that strength was pointless, useless. It couldn’t help Anna. It couldn’t save her. He couldn’t do anything.
Nick leaned back in the car, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes as the miles passed by far too slowly.
At the airport, Bernard quickly explained Nick’s frazzled appearance and lack of luggage. The airline employees changed from faintly hostile to accommodating and helpful in a second, and Nick began his slow journey back to London.
ANNA WAS FRIGHTENED. It had all happened so quickly: one moment she was celebrating with Brendan and Jason, and then suddenly she was in Accident & Emergency at the Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead.
She clamped her hands around her stomach as she tried to steady her breathing, tears running down her face.
Jason carried her to a hard, plastic chair and made her look at him.
“You’ve got this, doc. You’re going to be fine, yeah?”
Brendan was gripping her shoulder almost painfully, his breathing as ragged as hers.
Anna nodded weakly.
There were so many people in A&E and the waiting area was crowded. Jason pushed to the front and demanded someone check on Anna.
“I need some help here! She’s pregnant with twins and really dizzy—she can hardly stand!”
A triage nurse bustled forward, her presence immediately reassuring.
“Okay, let’s get some details here. Any spotting?”
“No,” Anna whispered.
“Okay, that’s a good start,” and she took Anna’s pulse, giving nothing away in her expression.
Anna was taken by wheelchair to a curtained bed in the Medical Assessment Unit as the nurse took her details. And then they waited, all the while her hands clasped around her belly as she whispered to her babies, begging them not to leave her, begging them to be alright.
Finally, another nurse took Anna’s blood pressure and although it was very high, reassured Anna that she seemed to be out of immediate danger. A third nurse took a urine sample to see if there was too much protein in it—apparently that was bad. The second nurse came back with the equipment for a sonogram and left it there without a word.
And finally, over an hour after they’d first walked through the door, they saw a doctor, who walked into the curtained area studying a set of notes.
“My babies? They’re okay?”
The doctor smiled, introduced herself and sat beside Anna while Jason and Brendan stood.
“Let’s take a look, shall we, Ms. Scott?”
Squelchy gel was squirted over her and Anna held her breath, holding Brendan’s hand in a death grip as the wand was pressed against her stomach. Immediately, the dual heartbeats sounded through the tiny booth.
Tears of relief leaked from Anna’s eyes and Brendan was red-eyed, too. Jason pulled out a tiny gold cross he wore around his neck and kissed it.
“You’ll be pleased to know that everything looks good in there. I’ll need to give you an exam just to be thorough.”
“What’s wrong with me?” Anna asked. “I wondered … are you checking for pre-eclampsia?”
The doctor smiled kindly.
“Do you have some medical training?”
“Yes, but I haven’t practised in a while.”
“Well, I’d have to agree with your assessment. The symptoms for pre-eclampsia can look very dramatic, and of course although many cases are mild—such as yours—the condition can lead to serious complications for both mother and baby if it’s not monitored and treated.”
“I’ve been to all my pre-natal checks,” Anna said defensively.
“Well, now we’re aware of the condition, we can treat it,” the doctor continued soothingly. “Being an older mother, and having twins, that can increase your chances of risk for pre-eclampsia.
Anna gritted her teeth.
“Are they IVF babies?”
Anna shook her head.
“We’ll start you on a low dose of aspirin and take it from there.”
“My babies, you’re sure they’re okay?” Anna asked, still needing reassurance.
The doctor nodded, her calmness helping Anna.
“There are no signs of distress. We’ll need to admit you overnight to monitor you, just to make sure. But everything seems fine.”
“You’re sure? You’re absolutely sure?”
Anna was getting herself all worked up, but Brendan held her hand, helping her to calm down. She wished it was Nick holding her hand.
Brendan seemed to read her mind.
“He’ll be here soon, Annie. He’s on his way.”
It took four hours for them to find a bed for Anna. Four long, wearying hours where she lay on a narrow gurney in MAU, and Brendan and Jason tried to get comfortable sitting on hard hospital chairs as the minutes ticked by slowly.
Eventually, Anna was admitted into a ward with five other women, including an elderly lady who clearly suffered from dementia and cried out at frequent intervals. Even though it was night and they were supposed to be resting, alarms were going off and nurses were walking in and out, talking loudly.
Finally, Anna was moved to a single room, and exhausted and still afraid, she fell asleep.
Brendan and Jason tiptoed from the room.
ANNA WAS RESTING or trying to. The hospital bed was hard and she couldn’t get comfortable, but the following morning she was feeling much better.
“You’re thinking too hard, Annie,” Brendan said, his voice gently critical. “You’re supposed to be resting.”
She sighed and rolled onto her back. She’d been advised to lie on her left side to take the pressure or restriction off certain veins that contributed to her elevated blood pressure.
She was so happy to see Brendan, freshly shaved and smelling divine.
“Have I told you lately that I love you?” Anna smiled.
“Yes, but a boy can never hear it enough,” he announced, nodding his head.
He reached out and squeezed Anna’s hand as Jason appeared. He grinned at the scene in front of him.
“Aw, you two are cute. Nick will be jealous!”
Brendan smiled at him sweetly.
“Actually, I heard one of the nurse’s speculating on which of us was the daddy, or wondering if we were both daddies and Anna was our baby-mama donor.”
Jason laughed loudly and smooched his lips at Brendan who looked faintly horrified.
“Give us a kiss then!”
“No! I might get straight cooties!” and he shuddered.
Jason pulled a face.
“It’s ‘cos I’m black, innit?”
“Because you’re disgustingly hetero. It might be catching. Oh alright then, I’ll try anything once.”
Jason leaned down and laid a smacker on Brendan just as one of the nurses walked in. She smiled to herself, then took Anna’s blood pressure for the millionth time.
Brendan fanned his face as Jason winked at the nurse.
Anna was enjoying the double-act; she wasn’t enjoying being in hospital.
“Look, you guys,” she said when the nurse had gone, “It’s really sweet that you’re here, but honestly, I’m fine. They’re keeping me in for a few more hours until the obstetrician does the rounds. I’m not going anywhere,” and she sighed again. “I think you should go home.”
Brendan looked indignant.
“What kind of BFF abandons you in your hour of need? Anyway,” he said, his feathers still slightly ruffled from Jason’s kiss, “I’m rather enjoying being a knight in shining armour.”
Jason nodded.
“I like the way your boy thinks, doc. He’s alright.”
Which was high praise from the big man. The tips of Brendan’s ears turned pink.
“Jason is staying until it’s time to pick up Nick, and I’m not going anywhere. We made a blood oath—without the icky blood.”
Anna’s eyes began to tear up again.
“Does he know about the pre-eclampsia? Have you told him?”
“Of course, Anna-banana! I called him last night after you were admitted. What kind of P.A. would I be if I hadn’t done that?”
Anna forced a smile.
“How was he?”
“Relieved that you’re okay and that the little currant buns are holding their own. He sends his love.”
“Thank you,” she sniffed.
“Oh my God, here come the waterworks again!” sighed Brendan.
Anna half-laughed, half-sobbed.
“I hate you, Bren!”
“It’s her hormones,” Brendan confided to Jason as if she wasn’t there. “Just watch out when Nick gets here—he won’t stand a chance. She’ll be climbing him like an indoor gym. Mind you,” he said with a side-eye at Jason, “I’ve often thought of doing the same thing.”
NICK ARRIVED AT the hospital tense and irritable, his eyes burning with tiredness.
Brendan’s call when Anna had been admitted had gone a long way to taking the edge off his fear, but he wouldn’t be completely reassured until he saw her, until he held her in his arms.
When he finally found her room, Brendan was asleep in the chair next to her bed, and Anna was watching him with a gentle smile on her face.
She saw Nick immediately and her lips trembled.
“I’m here, babe. I’m here.”
Nick didn’t know how to hold her, afraid of damaging her somehow, but Anna held out her arms to him and he sank into an awkward half-crouch, burying his face in her neck, breathing her in and trying to ignore the scent of hospital all around him.
They held each other for a long time until Nick’s back was groaning. When he finally stood up, massaging his tight muscles, Brendan had slipped out of the room. Neither of them heard him go.
He slumped into Brendan’s chair gratefully, still holding Anna’s hand.
“How are you?”
“Embarrassed mostly,” she said with a wry smile. “They’ll definitely remember me at Soho House—I know how to make an exit.”
Nick didn’t feel up to laughing about it—he was still worried as hell.
“What are the doctors saying?”
“That I can go home today, but I have to rest with my feet up and try to avoid getting stressed.” She gave a tired laugh. “It’s kind of ironic that I was celebrating not being stressed when all this happened.”
“I’ll fucking kill Molly!” Nick growled, his eyes hard.
“She did me a favour,” Anna said softly.
“What?!” Nick’s voice was too loud for the small room.
“Seriously. I could have gone on for weeks thinking that everything I was feeling was normal.”
Nick frowned.
“You didn’t tell me you were feeling bad.”
Anna grimaced.
“Well, that’s the point: pregnancy is a long list of feeling crappy. My hormones are all over the place and I have the weirdest emotions. I started crying when I saw an eggplant in the grocery store because they described it as an aubergine. I felt so sorry for it!”
Nick blinked.
“Um?”
“I know! It makes no sense, but I’m trying to explain to you. And then you get swollen ankles and feet. I said goodbye to pre-pregnancy shoes a month ago. You get gas, headaches and a weird craving for Reese’s Pieces melted onto toast.”
She didn’t mention the haemorrhoids that were beginning to bother her, the constipation, heartburn, drooling at night, let alone the urgent and often need to pee.
“There’s all this stuff that happens to your body, so I would have just gone on thinking that I was fine, but seeing Molly got me here and now they can keep monitoring me. And I’m not going to think about her for another second.”
“But she…”
“I mean it, Nick! I never want to hear that woman’s name again.”
Nick gave in reluctantly.
“Okay.” He paused. “You’re really okay? You and the babies, you’re all okay?”
“We’re fine.”
A different, older doctor arrived with the junior medic who had pulled the late shift, doing their rounds of the patients who’d come in during the night.
“Good morning, Anna. How are you feeling now?”
“Much better. A little tired. This is my fiancée, Nick.”
The doctor smiled at him then focussed on Anna.
“Well, the good news is that the level of protein in your urine has dropped, and your blood pressure has also levelled off. Now, Anna, you have to take things a lot slower. You’re an older mother,” Anna winced at the reminder, “and you’re carrying twins. Both of these factors increase your chance of having pre-eclampsia, but by having regular check-ups, avoiding processed food and caffeine, and taking plenty of rest, you’ll be fine. If you have any nausea, changes in vision, or shortness of breath, come back immediately.”
From the look on Nick’s face, Anna knew that she’d have a hard job of convincing him that she was going to be alright. When he’d walked in the door, he’d been carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
But despite the suffocating coddling that she knew would be his way of coping, she’d never felt more loved.
Anna was recovering from shock and fear, but Nick still felt his heart racing when he thought that something could have happened to her and the babies, something that could still happen, and something that was beyond his control. When he thought about losing her, his chest tightened and adrenaline crackled inside him. But there was no one to fight, no way of defending her.
He tried to be laidback for her sake, but inside, he was crumbling.
Every time he looked at her, his heart jolted painfully, reminding him of what he could have lost. The shadowy memories of his sudden flight from Carcassonne would stay with him for a long time. He was afraid to let her out of his sight.
Even when Anna was allowed to go home later that day, he almost had a panic attack leaving the room she was in, and had to check and re-check that she was okay. He’d insisted on buying a blood pressure monitor on the way back from the hospital, and took a reading every hour. He knew that he was starting to annoy her, but he couldn’t seem to stop.
“Nick, I’m going to take a bath,” said Anna, watching him pace the room.
“Right! I’ll run it for you!”
He heard her voice calling after him that she was perfectly capable of running her own bath, but he was already turning on the taps.
Then he turned and caught his reflection in the mirror.
Calm down. She’s fine. The babies are fine. The doctors wouldn’t have let her home if she wasn’t okay.
He sucked in a breath, catching the faint scent of Anna’s perfume in the bathroom. It was so normal. It helped, but he still felt that prickle of anxiety under his skin.
When the bath was half full, he poured in a capful of Anna’s favourite bubble bath, and watched the foam rise around the sides of the tub.
He hated feeling weak, and seeing Anna in a hospital bed had brought back memories, bad memories, of another time when he’d been weak, when he hadn’t been in control.
How do I handle this? How do I push the fear away?
Nick jogged down the stairs to tell Anna that her bath was ready. He had to force himself to watch her climb unsteadily to her feet and take the stairs slowly, as if each step was exhausting. He wanted to carry her up the stairs, but the last twenty-four hours had taught him to act casual, to be calm. To be ‘Zen’, as Anna put it.
It was bloody hard.
His heartrate slowed minutely as she lay back in the warm water with a sigh, her warm, brown eyes catching his, and she reached out a foamy hand to him.
“There’s three of us in this tub—think we can fit in a fourth?”
He grinned at her, his eyes lighting as he stepped out of his clothes in a few seconds and sank into the warm water gratefully.
Anna scooted forward so he could sit behind her and stretch out his long legs either side of her.
Her damp hair tickled his chest as she leaned back and closed her eyes.
“What’s going through your head?” she murmured. “I can hear your thoughts crashing around from here.”
Where do I start?
Nick couldn’t sort out one thought from all the noise in his head.
Anna carried on speaking.
“They’ll be doing scans every four weeks from now on to make sure everything is okay, and I’ll have antenatal check-ups every two weeks. I’m going to be fine. If I thought telling you to stop worrying would help, I would. But time will tell.” She paused. “You know that there’s a good chance I’ll need a caesarean. It’s not a hundred per cent, but it’s a possibility that we need to prepare for.”
Nick swallowed, but didn’t voice his fears. He stroked her hair back and leaned forward to kiss her temple.
Anna smiled.
“Well, they haven’t decided yet, but if that happens, I’m going to have a hard time lifting the babies after they’re born. I’d like my mom to stay a while. Is that okay?”
Nick closed his eyes.
Looking after Anna was his job. He hated that having Anna’s mother take over was necessary.
“Yes, of course, luv,” he said. “Whatever you want.”
“Thank you. I’m so glad she’ll be here tomorrow. I can’t wait to see her.” Anna was silent for a moment. “I was scared. Really scared.”
“I know,” he said his voice low. “So was I. But everything’s going to be fine now.”
And he hoped that the more he said it, the more he’d believe it.