Ben

My fingers ran over the piano keys, the melody I created washing over me, calming me. This was the first time I’d sat at the piano in weeks—months even. And it felt good.

So bloody good!

Music was the one constant in my life.

Except, it seemed, every year I had a few months where I wasn’t able to do it at all. Not play, not sing, not write texts. Writing texts was something I struggled with all the time, but that was mostly due to my dyslexia.

Fucking hate dyslexia.

‘That’s a sad melody.’

I hit the wrong key in surprise, ruining the perfect melody I’d been playing. I turned around on the bench and saw Thomas standing there, gazing at me in worry.

‘Thomas.’

He’s home!

I didn’t realise how much I’d missed him until I stared at him now. He’d always been a part of my life, had been like my father… except I’d never called him that. Maybe that was because the first ten years grandma had been around the most while Thomas went to school. And she’d always insisted on being called Grandma, and that Thomas was my uncle. Nothing else.

But Thomas was the best dad-like figure I could’ve ever had. He’d always been there for me. For years I’d hid my cutting from him, but once he found out—and also found out I was gay and shagging Tarjei, all at the same time—he’d done what was best for me. Got me into therapy, helped me through the worst, kept me on my meds even when I wanted to go off them. He’d allowed me to tattoo both my arms before I was off age. He’d always allowed me to be me.

Except I wasn’t sure who me was.

‘Hey.’ He came over and hugged me, then gently pulled back to look at my face. My lip wasn’t quite as swollen anymore, but I was more colourful now than I had been. Bruises all over. I looked like I hadn’t slept in weeks, because of the dark bruises around my eyes.

I leant in closer to him, wrapped my arms around him, and held on.

I need some of your strength.

Thomas was always strong. Always there for me, for us. He’d taken me in because I had no parents—my mum had killed herself after I was born, and my biological dad had never been in the picture.

When my other uncle had killed himself, he’d taken in Kristina, Andreas, and Maria. He was our family, the one closest to us.

‘I’ve spoken to Kristina,’ he said.

Of course you have.

I still hadn’t even so much as looked at my phone in three days. When it wouldn’t stop vibrating, with calls or texts I didn’t even know which, I’d simply turned it off. And it had stayed that way. I didn’t want to talk to anyone who wasn’t family, didn’t want to see anyone who wasn’t family.

‘I want to ask you something,’ he said then, bringing me out of my thoughts. ‘Initially, I wanted to surprise you, but if you don’t want it, I figured I’d rather ask first.’

I pulled back to frown at him in confusion.

‘What is it?’

Thomas gazed at me, kind and warm and father-like.

‘Leo and I are spending three weeks in Spain this summer. We’re borrowing Mum’s house because she’s going travelling with a friend. I’d very much like it if you’d join us. It’s all on me. I’ll pay for everything.’

Three weeks in Spain with Thomas and his boyfriend?

‘I don’t know—I don’t much fancy being the third wheel.’ I looked away. It was sweet of him to offer, but if he and Leo had this planned… it was their holiday. They didn’t need me crashing in.

‘You can bring someone,’ he said then. ‘Bring Nik.’

‘Umm, no.’

Definitely not Nik.

You’re getting over him, remember?

‘I’ll think about it.’ Three weeks away in Spain, with sun and warm weather, sounded like something I needed. To get away for a bit, to relax and escape a little.

I want that.

But who to bring with me?

Because I was not going to be the third wheel to Thomas and Leo’s romantic holiday.

‘Damn.’ Thomas grimaced. ‘He really did a number on your face.’

Yeah.

I hadn’t left the house in three days. I’d called in sick at work, and tomorrow morning I’d hopefully get sick leave from my doctor.

Nothing hopeful about it. You will get it.

I couldn’t stand behind a bar looking like this. My ribs hurt too much for the work too.

Part of me was glad I didn’t have to work for a while. I didn’t like the damn place, after all. Another part of me didn’t like being cooped up in the house for three days. And then another part of me did like it.

I didn’t know what I felt the most. Which emotion was dominant. They were all pretty strong.

‘Hey.’ Thomas put his hand around the back of my neck. ‘We’ll get through this, Ben. We will.’

I wanted to believe him. But everything felt hopeless. I didn’t know what to do.

Tarjei

I was going out of my mind. I hadn’t heard a thing from Ben in four days, and it was starting to take its toll. At work I was jittery and scatterbrained, to the point Jørgen—who wasn’t at all good at catching things like these—noticed.

‘You all right?’

‘Fine.’ Except I wasn’t, because I didn’t know if Ben was fine.

Jørgen had no idea I’d been shagging his cousin for over four years. Jørgen didn’t like Ben much. He was the one Jørgen liked the least, but possibly more than his brother. I could never quite tell. Jørgen wasn’t comfortable around Ben—he was too out there, too proud of his sexuality, too forthcoming with sexual innuendo.

Or at least Ben had been. Now he wasn’t much of anything.

Depression does that to you.

I wanted to know if he was okay. I’d texted him, tried ringing, but not once had I got through. It seemed his phone was off, and no answer came to my texts either. I was being thoroughly and utterly ignored.

And that hurt.

What helped a little was that Nik, apparently, was just as ignored as I was. It hurt Nik, of course it did, and it shouldn’t please me that my brother was hurt… but it did. Because at least, finally, Ben treated Nik equal to everyone else.

But I had to know how he was. If he was okay, if they took care of him or if he’d shacked up in his room on his own and refused help.

So that’s why I showed up at his doorstep after work.

Maria was the one who opened the door.

‘Hey, Tarjei.’

‘Hey.’ I buried my hands deep in my pockets, uncomfortable. ‘Is Ben home?’ I knew that she knew that Ben and I were… something… but I had no idea how she felt about it.

‘He doesn’t really want to see anyone.’

‘Oh. Okay.’

Shit.

‘But—’ Maria’s voice stopped me before I could turn away. ‘I’m going to let you in anyway. He’s downstairs in his room.’

I eyed her cautiously.

‘Why’re you letting me see him if he doesn’t want to see anyone?’

‘Because I think you’re good for him. And he needs to figure that out.’ She moved away and held the door open for me.

‘Thanks,’ I muttered, not quite sure what else to say.

‘You know where it is.’ She motioned to the door leading down to the basement. Then she walked into the living room, where I could hear the TV on low sound.

‘All right then.’ I steeled myself for rejection, but I had to try.

I knocked on his door.

‘Yeah?’ a muffled voice called from the other side of it.

I took it as being allowed to enter and stepped into his messy room. Clothes were strewn around—Ben wasn’t exactly the neatest.

Ben himself was sprawled on the sofa, watching a film on the TV. It seemed to involve lots of explosions.

‘Hey.’

He started at my voice and sat up, eyes wide as he stared at me.

‘Tarjei. Hi.’ He glanced around, almost nervous. ‘Who let you in?’

‘Maria.’ Hopefully, she wouldn’t mind me telling him. I couldn’t see if he was angry or not, though, so she probably wouldn’t get any backlash from this. ‘How are you?’

His face was less swollen, but the bruises stood out more.

‘Okay.’ He lay back down, and as he didn’t seem completely dismissive of me, I went over to sit next to him.

He lifted his legs so there was space for me, then draped them over my lap as I sat.

I put my hands on top of them.

He was wearing my joggers and my T-shirt. One of the two pairs he’d borrowed.

And I’ve got two pairs of his clothes at home.

‘I went to see my doctor today,’ he said, but his gaze was focused on the TV. ‘Got my sick leave and a referral to a pdoc. But I’ll probably have to wait a while, he said, if they do find I need therapy again.’

‘How can they not?’ They couldn’t reject him, not with how depressed he’d been. Still was, probably. Ben needed therapy—and they had to give it to him.

He shrugged, but it was made a little awkward by him lying down.

‘I’ll get a letter eventually if I get an appointment or not. I will get one appointment, and after that, they determine if I need to come in regularly. Or some shit like that.’

I stroked his jogger-clad leg.

‘I hope they’ll help you.’

He sighed.

‘Yeah.’ There was an unsaid I hope so too there.

‘If you need anything, I’m here.’ I’d be there for him, no matter what.

You’re such a sucker, Tarjei.

Yeah, didn’t I already know that?

I wanted to be able to say no to him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I kept hoping that he’d give up on Nik, that he’d give me a chance, that we could have a proper relationship. Not just sex—but have it all.

He glanced at me, expression changing into something I definitely recognised.

‘There’s one thing I need.’

I know what it is.

I recognised the way he leered at me now. Gone was the weariness and depression, for the moment, replaced by desire.

‘Oh yeah?’

He sat up, albeit slowly, with a hand to his ribs.

‘Yeah.’ He leant in closer. ‘I’ve got condoms and lube in my bedside table drawer.’

Now that was definitely a command. I went to retrieve them, both cursing myself for being so easy for him and whooping because even as far down as he was, he still wanted me. For sex—but that had always been the way it’d been.

And I took whatever I could get because I really was a sucker.

He’d sat up properly while I had my back turned. His feet were planted on the floor, legs spread, back straight. My joggers on him might be baggy, but they didn’t hide the tent made by his hard dick.

Now there’s an invitation.

I put condoms and lube on the sofa next to him before sinking to my knees in front of him.

He spread his legs further, showing off what he had going for him underneath the baggy material.

I ran my hand over his cock, felt the stiffness of it through the soft fabric of the joggers.

I’ve missed this.

The last few times we’d have sex, it had been quick and straight to the fucking. I missed taking my time, missed sucking his cock, missed making him beg to take things further.

‘Are you going to stare and touch me all day or get down to business?’ he asked, the cocky, self-assured way he always had when it came to sex, in place.

I lifted the hem of the joggers, pulled them down.

He’s not wearing any underwear.

His dick sprang free immediately, pointing straight at my chin.

He’s been going around without underwear in my joggers.

It likely didn’t mean anything— except for me, it did.

I pulled his foreskin down, watching the mushroom head revealed before I sucked it into my mouth.

‘Oh yeah, there we go,’ Ben groaned, hips moving slightly.

If I could smile, I would, but my mouth was quickly filled with hard, salty-tasting cock as I went further down on him. I generally liked going down on blokes, but Ben was my absolute favourite. Probably because I was in love with him—but also because he had the most perfect cock. It fit right into my mouth, I could deep-throat him, I loved the salty taste of his pre-come…

I love everything about him.

‘Tarjei.’ He pulled on my hair, getting my attention. ‘Let’s move on before you make me come.’

That didn’t take long.

‘Sexually frustrated much?’ I asked once I let his dick pop out of my mouth.

‘Mhm.’ He ripped open the condom packet and rolled said condom down his spit-slick dick.

That’s the way it is today then.

I unzipped my jeans and pushed them down, stepping out of them. My dick was trapped in my tight boxers, lying at an angle against my hip.

I tugged the boxers down and my cock slapped up against my stomach the minute it was free.

‘I can’t really move much,’ Ben said, staring at my erection. ‘My ribs hurt. So you have to do all the work.’

‘I don’t mind.’ I put my knees on both sides of him on the sofa, straddling his lap. ‘As long as you get me ready.’

He’d uncapped the lube before I even finished speaking. One long, slender finger pressed against my hole, seeking entrance. I pushed down on it—and it breached me. I breathed out through the burn of it, then slowly managed to relax around the single digit.

‘Been a while, huh?’ Ben asked dryly.

‘Yeah.’

Haven’t let anyone but you top me in ages.

Haven’t been with anyone but you in ages.

But of course I couldn’t say that out loud. That would ruin our moment, for sure.

A second finger, all glistening and moist with lube, joined the first. I tensed through the initial breach, then slowly relaxed again. I braced my hands against the back of the sofa to keep my weight off him. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I longed to press close.

I settled for leaning forward and capturing his lips in a kiss. His lips weren’t that swollen anymore, but the cuts had crusts on them, so it wasn’t the soft kiss I’d wanted.

Still, it was Ben’s lips against mine, and that was all that mattered.

A third finger joined in, and I moved with them, impaling myself, letting him thoroughly finger-fuck me. It was almost as good as a real-life cock inside me—but only almost. I longed to be stretched enough so I could sink down on his dick, take it all in and ride him until we both forgot everything but the incredible sex we were having.

When he added a fourth finger, I got impatient.

‘Okay, enough. Let’s get to the main course.’

A grin, one I hadn’t seen in a long time, spread on his lips.

‘Impatient much?’

He pulled his fingers out, slapped my arse for good measure, then spread my cheeks.

I reached down to hold his dick steady, then slowly sank down on it. I stopped breathing for a second as the head breached me—and the burn it brought. But once that was over and I slowly sank onto his shaft… the pleasure started returning.

Once I was seated on his lap, I looked into his eyes.

He stared at me, all kinds of intense, lips parted slightly.

Fuck. Why can’t I have this every day?

Why can’t he bloody well love me back?

I shouldn’t think about that, at least not now. His cock was buried inside me, my dick was leaking pre-come onto his stomach, and we were so close.

Our lips pressed together again—and I had no idea which one of us had moved first, had initiated it. All that mattered was his lips moving against mine and his dick as I rode it.

It took me a few tries, but I finally found the perfect angle for him to nudge against my prostate. Pleasure coursed through me, as evidenced by the sounds that left me. Moaning against him, the sounds swallowed by his mouth, his tongue pressing into me, hot and heavy against my own—

Shit, I’m not going to last.

I didn’t want to come too quickly. I wanted to draw this out, make it last. But it was too good—and I couldn’t hold back.

I groaned as I came, shooting thick spurts of semen onto his T-shirt. I continued to ride his dick, to the point my thighs strained from the position.

I need you to come too, Ben.

‘Come for me, Ben.’ I pressed my lips to his temple now, using my body to milk everything I could from him.

He threw his head back, throat exposed, as he moaned and grunted through his own release. His hips moved, trying to fuck me at the same time I fucked him, which only ended in us messing it all up.

I rose too far, off him, and toppled over on my side. Onto the sofa, thankfully. It would’ve been a painful meeting with the floor.

‘Jesus.’ I started laughing.

He glanced at me, eyes wide, then laughter bubbled out of him too. It seemed to hurt him though because he splayed his palm over his ribs—but he couldn’t stop laughing.

‘Hey, don’t hurt yourself.’ I sat up, pressed my lips to a bruised cheek, while I cradled the other in my hand. My chest still constricted with laughter too, though I tried to stifle it.

We calmed down after another minute, and simply sat leaning against each other. He was mostly dressed, with just his dick and balls out. I was naked from my hips down, and sticky with lube. Lube that was now spread on the sofa cushion, because I’d sat up.

Speaking of his dick, it was limp now, with the condom still on. White, creamy semen filled it.

I took it off because I knew how uncomfortable it was with a condom full of spunk on your limp dick. I tied it and dropped it to the floor, then leant back in against Ben’s side.

‘That was great.’

‘Yeah,’ he agreed in a low voice.

We could be great.

I longed to say the words, but I didn’t. We should have a conversation though. I had to know where I stood. If he was still only interested in the sex… then I had to say no.

It was more than sex—or nothing at all.

But I couldn’t bring myself to say anything, not while he still bore the evidence of the beating, while he was still depressed.

I couldn’t bring myself to say anything.

‘You are an idiot.’

This was delivered in a crass tone over a beer.

‘Thanks a lot, Yvonne.’ She was my ex-girlfriend—and now a good friend. She was also Kristina’s best friend, but I’d asked for the two of us to meet alone. Not that I had anything against Kristina, she was great, but I couldn’t speak to Yvonne about Ben when Kristina was present. He was her cousin, after all. They’d practically grown up together.

‘It’s true. And you need to hear it.’ Yvonne held nothing back, ever. She was as out there as her appearance. Her hair was currently pinned up messily on her head, showing off her undercuts on both sides. She had a nose piercing, a lip piercing, a tongue piercing, and wore lipstick as dark as the make-up around her eyes.

‘I know, okay? I know.’ But what could I do about it?

‘You need to learn to say no.’ She leant closer over the table, hands clutched around her beer glass. ‘All these years and it’s still just sex. That’s not right, Tarjei. I mean, we had a nice thing going between us once upon a time. Until you cheated on me with him. I thought, “okay, so maybe he’ll get his happy ever after now”, but it continued like it always has. Just sex.’

I bowed my head when she mentioned the cheating. Yes, I had cheated on her with Ben. I regretted hurting her, but I’d been—still was—so obsessed over Ben, I wouldn’t have made her happy anyway.

‘And I know that’s not what you want. It was before—but you’re all grown up now.’ She leant back in her chair, looking out the window at the harbour. ‘Took you some years to follow the rest of us, but you’ve finally figured out what’s important in life.’

I frowned.

‘What? You’ve been out there pulling blokes all these years too. Now you suddenly want to settle down?’

She shrugged nonchalantly.

‘Yeah. Maybe I do.’

‘Anyone special?’

Yvonne was known for being a bit… loose.

‘Not yet. Doesn’t mean I don’t dream about it.’ She gave a wicked grin. ‘I don’t want the whole house and kids and pets and a yard. I just want a guy of my own, someone I can come home to and cuddle with after work. Someone who’s not just about sex.’

‘Someone else has grown up, huh?’

‘Some of us are late-bloomers.’ She nudged my ankle playfully under the table.

I laughed.

‘I don’t think wanting to settle down is the definition of that.’

‘Whatever.’ She flicked her hand in a dismissive gesture. ‘You know, I haven’t had a proper relationship since you.’

Now that I didn’t believe for a second.

‘Sure you have. With what-his-name.’

‘Roger?’

‘Yeah.’

‘That was just shagging.’

I stared at her.

‘And you call me an idiot?’

‘Well, I didn’t love him with all my being, from the top of my head to my bloody toes. We shagged, had fun. That was it.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘And until I find my dream man, I get to kiss a lot of frogs. Shag them, too. But you’ve, apparently, already found your dream man. Either you go for it—all out—or you pull out.’

‘Easier said than done.’ I’d been shagging Ben for over four years. Almost five. On his sixteenth birthday, when he’d held a party at home—without Thomas knowing—I’d taken his virginity. Since then we’d kept it going, with smaller periods of staying away from each other in-between.

Over four years and nothing to show for it.

It was depressing.

‘I have to talk to him.’ I knew I had to, it was just when I was with him, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

‘You do,’ Yvonne agreed, nodding. ‘And don’t feel sorry for him. He’s been using you for years. You have sex when it’s convenient for him. You take a stand, now, and don’t take any shit. Don’t chicken out.’

Again—

‘Easier said than done.’

‘Yes, I hear you say that. Constantly. It’s getting on my nerves.’ She took a healthy swig of her beer. ‘Why don’t you have a chat with Jørgen?’

‘Jørgen?’ I frowned.

‘I hear he’s got a boyfriend now.’

‘That doesn’t mean I can talk to him about this.’ Jørgen, with his anti-social behaviour and PTSD that made life hard for him. Who had a history of severe sexual abuse. I couldn’t talk to him about his cousin, especially not when it involved sex—and a lot of it.

‘So you’re dumping it all on me.’ Yvonne rested her chin in her hand, lower lip pouting slightly.

‘I need advice.’ But would I follow said advice? I’d already been told what I knew; that I had to talk to Ben.

‘I’ve got one piece of advice for you,’ Yvonne said. ‘Grow the fuck up. If you want more than sex, say so. If you can’t get more than sex, suck it up or walk away. It’s that simple.’

It isn’t.

But it was.

It should be, anyway.

‘You have to talk to him, Tarjei,’ Yvonne insisted. ‘Communication. Communicate. Or else you’ll be stuck in the current situation you’re in. Don’t you think four years is enough? It’s time to move on. With—or without—him.’

I couldn’t even imagine going on without Ben. So I had to find a way to move on with him.

But how to do that?

He was in love with Nik. He was only with me for the sex.

But he’s not speaking to Nik, is he?

And we had just had incredibly amazing sex. We’d kissed, and sort of cuddled afterwards.

Maybe, just maybe, I had a shot with him after all.

Or maybe it was all wishful thinking.