Ben

My fingers ran over the piano keys, the melody I created washing over me, calming me. This was the first time I’d sat at the piano in weeks—months even. And it felt good.

So bloody good!

Music was the one constant in my life.

Except, it seemed, every year I had a few months were I wasn’t able to do it at all. Not play, not sing, not write texts. Writing texts was something I struggled with all the time, but that was mostly due to my dyslexia.

Fucking hate dyslexia.

‘That’s a sad melody.’

I hit the wrong key in surprise, ruining the perfect melody I’d been playing. I turned around on the bench and saw Thomas standing there, gazing at me in worry.

‘Thomas.’

He’s home!

I didn’t realise how much I’d missed him until I stared at him now. He’d always been a part of my life, had been like my father… except I’d never called him that. Maybe that was because the first ten years grandma had been around the most while Thomas went to school. And she’d always insisted on being called Grandma, and that Thomas was my uncle. Nothing else.

But Thomas was the best dad-like figure I could’ve ever had. He’d always been there for me. For years I’d hid my cutting from him, but once he found out—and also found out I was gay and shagging Tarjei, all at the same time—he’d done what was best for me. Got me into therapy, helped me through the worst, kept me on my meds even when I wanted to go off them. He’d allowed me to tattoo both my arms before I was off age. He’d always allowed me to be me.

Except I wasn’t sure who me was.

‘Hey.’ He came over and hugged me, then gently pulled back to look at my face. My lip wasn’t quite as swollen anymore, but I was more colourful now than I had been. Bruises all over. I looked like I hadn’t slept in weeks, because of the dark bruises around my eyes.

I leant in closer to him, wrapped my arms around him, and held on.

I need some of your strength.

Thomas was always strong. Always there for me, for us. He’d taken me in because I had no parents—my mum had killed herself after I was born, and my biological dad had never been in the picture.

When my other uncle had killer himself, he’d taken in Kristina, Andreas, and Maria. He was our family, the one closest to us.

‘I’ve spoken to Kristina,’ he said.

Of course you have.

I still hadn’t even so much as looked at my phone in three days. When it wouldn’t stop vibrating, with calls or texts I didn’t even know which, I’d simply turned it off. And it had stayed that way. I didn’t want to talk to anyone who wasn’t family, didn’t want to see anyone who wasn’t family.

‘I want to ask you something,’ he said then, bringing me out of my thoughts. ‘Initially I wanted to surprise you, but if you don’t want it, I figured I’d rather ask first.’

I pulled back to frown at him in confusion.

‘What is is?’

Thomas gazed at me, kind and warm and father-like.

‘Leo and I are spending three weeks in Spain this summer. We’re borrowing Mum’s house, because she’s going travelling with a friend. I’d very much like it if you’d join us. It’s all on me. I’ll pay for everything.’

Three weeks in Spain with Thomas and his boyfriend?

‘I don’t know—I don’t much fancy being the third wheel.’ I looked away. It was sweet of him to offer, but if he and Leo had this planned… it was their holiday. They didn’t need me crashing in.

‘You can bring someone,’ he said then. ‘Bring Nik.’

‘Umm, no.’

Definitely not Nik.

You’re getting over him, remember?

‘I’ll think about it.’ Three weeks away in Spain, with sun and warm weather, sounded like something I needed. To get away for a bit, to relax and escape a little.

I want that.

But who to bring with me?

Because I was not going to be the third wheel to Thomas and Leo’s romantic holiday.

‘Damn.’ Thomas grimaced. ‘He really did a number on your face.’

Yeah.

I hadn’t left the house in three days. I’d called in sick at work, and tomorrow morning I’d hopefully get sick leave from my doctor.

Nothing hopeful about it. You will get it.

I couldn’t stand behind a bar looking like this. My ribs hurt too much for the work too.

Part of me was glad I didn’t have to work for a while. I didn’t like the damn place, after all. Another part of me didn’t like being cooped up in the house for three days. And then another part of me did like it.

I didn’t know what I felt the most. Which emotion was dominant. They were all pretty strong.

‘Hey.’ Thomas put his hand around the back of my neck. ‘We’ll get through this, Ben. We will.’

I wanted to believe him. But everything felt hopeless. I didn’t know what to do.