A hug
Boom! Just when you thought your world was settled.
Claire was showering before bed, rubbing her hands over her abdomen, frothing up her favourite mint and ginger scented bubbles. It was tiny, a bump in her groin area. She felt again, probed slightly deeper into the skin. It was hard under her fingertips, the size of a pea. She went cold. It was always there, that fear, once you’d already had a cancer. Any lump or bump sent an icy dread through you. You tried to put the thought away, close it down, but it was there just below the surface, the feeling that you were on borrowed time.
It was probably nothing, she rationalized. But she’d better get it checked out to be on the safe side. She’d ring the doctor first thing in the morning, get an appointment. The doctor had been great with her through the whole thing the last time. The last time … She hoped to God this wouldn’t be the next time.
In bed, she wished it wasn’t too late to phone the surgery. She wanted to act on it, now. She couldn’t tell anyone about this scare, not yet. Not till she knew what she might be facing. It was just a lump, a tiny little lump. There was no point worrying her mum or Sally with it, no point three of them worrying. That would be unfair on them.
Whoa, how sodding typical. A new start, new home. Things were really on the up. Or they had been.
Okay. Stop it! Banish all negative thoughts. Carry on tomorrow as normal. Get your work done at the newspaper. Then go and get checked out. Do not worry about it until you know it’s something to worry about.
Claire pulled the covers up tighter across her. Shame she hadn’t got her new kitten yet. She could really do with a cuddle. She’d phoned the animal rescue centre and asked if they had any kittens ready to go, but had decided to get herself settled in properly in her new flat first. She was thinking of going along in a couple of weeks’ time, knowing for sure that she’d fall in love with a cute bundle of fluff and take it home on that first visit. But hey, this could change everything. She’d better make sure she wouldn’t be to-ing and fro-ing to hospital before she committed herself to getting a pet.
Oh no, this could have all sorts of implications. She tried to rein in her fears. She so hoped she could still do the charity run with Bella’s Babes. She couldn’t let them down, let alone all those people who had now sponsored them. She was all trained up and ready. It should be okay to do, surely, whatever might be wrong with her; she only had to get to Saturday and get round.
Lying in bed on her own, her thoughts and fears buzzed in her mind. Boy, she could do with a big hug right now. She found herself picturing Ed’s warm, strong arms around her on the beach. Remembered that night dancing on the sand. She closed her eyes and began to play the movie in her mind. She could pretend they had just met, that there was no history. The memory was still so clear – trying to feel it again wasn’t as good as the real thing, but it helped – just her and Ed and the music. So very close. Safe in his arms on a beautiful Northumberland beach with the sand under her feet and the stars up above. She’d hold tight to that memory, that magic moment, keep it with her to cheer her up, hold on to Ed in her mind until she knew what she had to face.
The next morning she booked an appointment with her surgery for straight after work. They knew her history, and said they’d fit her in that same day.
Somehow she got through the working day, but it was hard to settle, though she tried her best to get her head down and focus on the task in hand. Five o’clock couldn’t come soon enough. She got the bus back as far as Jesmond and then popped into the flat for her car keys and drove the five minutes to the surgery at Gosforth.
‘Okay, Claire. So you say you’ve found another lump?’
Claire was sitting opposite Dr Reynolds, her lady doctor at the surgery. She had been great with her eighteen months before when Claire had first found the lump in her breast. Dr Reynolds had made sure she was seen quickly, and since then had always made it clear she was available to chat with about any concerns, even when Claire had been under the hospital’s treatment programme. Dr Reynolds was in her fifties, and her black hair and olive complexion suggested a Mediterranean background. Today she was smartly dressed in a black suit and green blouse.
‘Yes, I spotted it just last night. In my groin area. Here.’ Claire pressed her fingertips against it.
‘Right, let’s run through a few questions. So you first spotted it just last night?’
‘Yes.’
‘And, how big is it, and has it grown at all overnight?’
‘Pea-sized I’d say, not big, but quite hard. And it’s the same size this morning.’
‘Okay.’
‘And how have you been feeling?’
‘Oh …’
‘Tired at all?’
‘Well, yes, I have been tired, more so than normal in the past couple of weeks. But I’ve had a recent house move and been really busy.’ She didn’t add about the running regime she’d been on as well. ‘I just put it down to that.’
‘Okay, well that links in. There’s a chance you might have an underlying infection. Now then, I’ll need to give you an examination so I can check out the lump. I’d also like to feel your other main gland points. It could well be lymphatic, being in that area.’
Claire must have paled. Lymphomas – lymph nodes. They were near your breast as well. She’d had a couple of nodes taken out from her armpit area as a precaution at the time of the mastectomy.
Dr Reynolds continued, ‘Look, we both know your history, but try not to worry too much at this stage – there are lots of reasons why there could be a lump.’
‘Okay.’
‘So if you could just undress for me, down to your underwear, and pop yourself onto the examination bed behind the curtain there.’
‘Right.’ She stepped behind the curtain. Trousers down, blouse off. A little prayer sent to heaven for a good result. ‘Okay, I’m ready.’
The doctor appeared and began to probe her right groin area. ‘Okay, I’ve got it. Sorry if that’s a little uncomfortable.’
The fingers digging into the tender skin of her groin did make her squirm a bit. Claire tried her best to relax. The doctor went on to check her left groin area, then stomach, armpits and the glands each side of her neck. ‘And you’ve been doing all your breast checks regularly. Nothing of concern there?’
‘Religiously, morning and night. Not found anything at all, and I did a really thorough check in the shower this morning.’
‘Okay. Good.’
The doctor finished her examination and Claire got dressed as the doctor went back to her desk. She came out from behind the curtain and sat down.
‘Right, I’d like to send you for a CT scan. Just to be on the safe side, especially with your history. And they may then want to do a biopsy. I’ll also inform your oncologist.’
‘I see.’ So this was how it all began. Oh God. Shush, you’ll be okay, another voice in her mind soothed.
‘I have a strong feeling this is more likely to be an infection. Something’s set off your lymph nodes. But we’ll err on the side of caution. Though it may well just settle down by itself. I’d like to take some bloods while you’re here so we can test for infection, and I’ll also ensure we do a complete blood count.’
‘Okay.’
She readied herself for the needle in her inner elbow; she was used to it – needles became the norm after a while in hospital. Putting the line in for chemo. All those blood tests.
‘I’m going to prescribe some antibiotics so that if it is bacterial, we’re already countering it. And in the meanwhile, I’ll refer you immediately for a CT scan and put it on fast-track. You should hear directly from the Freeman Hospital in the next day or so. Can I just check your contact details are up to date?’
So, Claire confirmed her mobile and email address. And then she would have to wait.
‘Thank you.’ She stood to go.
‘You’re welcome. And if there are any changes or concerns in the next few days, pop straight back in to see me.’
The worry of waiting. And then it was all a whirl. Two days later and she was in hospital for a scan. Drinking her cup of contrast dye. Being laid out on the flat bed, then moved slowly through the scanner, trying her best to stay totally still. It felt like she was in a sci-fi movie. Then another wait for results and a chat with the consultant – inconclusive on the nature of the lump. Her emotions were in roller-coaster mode. And, she had to keep feigning tooth problems and trips to the dentist to cover her time off from work.
A biopsy was booked for the following Monday, after race day. Another wait. Another few days of hiding her fear from her family, her friends. She nearly caved in and revealed all to Andrea at work on the Thursday, but she really didn’t want to worry them all unnecessarily. And it was nearly the day of the Pretty Muddy race. At least that would keep her busy over the weekend. Training was all done. They’d had a gentle jog midweek as a wind-down, and now Bella’s Babes were as ready as they’d ever be for their big charity event. She was a bit tired, but there was no way she was missing out on this, and if it was bad news from the biopsy, then it would mean more than ever to have done this. She wanted to kick cancer up its horrid arse.