The universe has a way of kicking you in the teeth. Leaving you on the ground, counting your breaths.

After leaving Alliance, I took my box to the park across the road and dropped under a tree, contemplating my fate. All I could think about was Avery’s expression when I’d told him about the job. Like it was the worst thing in the history of the world.

War.

Disease.

The girl you share your bed with working down the hall.

With every torturous replay of the scene in my head, a part of me died.

Not the peaceful kind of death. The painful kind.

I wanted to curl up in a ball until everyone forgot about me. I didn’t have anything to do, anywhere to be, anyone who’d miss me right now.

When a passing businessman dropped a dollar in my box, I forced myself to move.

At home, I fished in a drawer for the dusty personal cell phone I hadn’t touched in a year. The idea of staying unconnected was appealing, but eventually I plugged it in to charge.

When it had enough juice to light up, I sent off a text to Payton to let her know I was at this number if she needed me.

Then I lifted Trevor out of the box and took him out to the fire escape. I dropped onto the metal, kicking my feet over the edge.

I glanced toward Trevor, who looked dry, shriveled, hopeless.

Solidarity.

Alone, I could admit it to myself: I’d been a moron. I knew better than to trust my heart to a guy. And why the hell had I picked that one?

When it got dark, I tried to watch the sushi documentary I’d been meaning to check out for the last month. Nothing penetrated my brain.

I fell into a disturbed sleep, dreaming I was born into a family of sushi rolls, and I’d been the roll without any rice. I woke up on the couch the next morning to the phone buzzing.

“Why are you using this phone?” Payton asked.

My head pounded. I closed the blinds I’d forgotten to close last night. “Because Banks are evil.”

“Banks like Alliance or Banks like Avery?”

I considered. “Exactly.”

“Back up—what happened?”

I thought about sitting up. Erred on the side of caution, pulling my knees to my chest instead. “I told him about the job in communications. He told me not to bother. Because I can’t work at Alliance, and I’m never going to be his girlfriend.”

A pause. “That’s what he said.”

“Not in so many words.”

“I’m coming over.”

“No. I need to be alone. I’m going to lie on the couch and contemplate the error of my ways.”

“And when that’s done?”

“Gin.” Silence came down the line. I waited a minute. Two. “Hello?”

I hung up with a shrug.

A while later, pounding on the door drew me downstairs. My feet padded slowly down the steps like every one cost me. The sun had me wincing when I pulled back the door.

Payton’s bright face was on the other side, and she held out a bakery box. “Chocolate chip. Better than booze.”

“Lies.” I wanted to send her away but couldn’t help asking, “How are you?”

“I’m fine. You, on the other hand…”

“You don’t want to come in. I’m not good company today.”

She shook her head. “I’m not going in. You’re coming out.”

I craned my neck to look at the sky outside. I felt like a vampire. “But it’s sunny.”

“Don’t fight with a pregnant chick. You’re going to lose.”

It was that reminder that had me pulling on flip-flops to go with my sweatpants and tank top.

“You sure you’re well enough to be out?” I asked her.

“Yep. I’m going back to work tomorrow.”

“And Max?”

Payton sighed as she started down the street, box in hand. “He’s good. We’re good.”

“I’m glad. You deserve to be happy.”

“And you don’t?”

“Apparently I deserve to fall for men who are unattainable. Correction: they’re attainable by my vagina. It’s the rest of me that’s not enough.”

We approached the door of her compact car. I slid into the passenger seat as she started the engine.

I glared at the pedestrians we passed. I made eye contact with a toddler, who quickly grabbed onto his mother’s leg in worry.

She glanced over, like she was afraid I’d dive out the window. “Charlie, I’m so sorry. It sounds like he could’ve handled it better. That is kind of Avery’s tagline. ‘Could’ve handled that better.’”

“I’m never waiting around for a man again. I swore to myself I’d never do that, never be that girl again. But with the insurance money, I could do anything. Fly somewhere new.”

She refused to tell me where we were going as she drove through the light Saturday traffic.

We parked across town and slid out of the car.

“The Mary Baker Eddy Library,” I read off the sign. “You think my life’s purpose is books?”

Payton led the way into the building. The “library” looked more like a museum, and I felt an odd suspicion my depression couldn’t entirely dull as we swept inside the revolving doors and ascended the stairs from what looked like a gift shop.

A few minutes later I stepped through a door into a riot of color. The rainbow assaulted my brain. Reds and greens and blues, all around us, reflecting light from some unseen source. The catwalk we stood on cut through the middle of a stained glass globe. We were in the heart of the world. At least, it felt that way.

The rich primary colors filled countries, oceans.

“I used to come here with my mom sometimes. You’ve never heard of the Mapparium?”

I shook my head, which was hard when I was craning my neck to look at the ceiling.

“It was built in the thirties as a symbol of global outreach. But I always liked how it made me feel small and big at the same time. Like the world was at my fingers.”

“What are we doing here?”

“You said you wanted to get out and find something of your own. Here’s the world. Where do you want to go?”

I inspected the globe. “I could get a job in Europe. Or work for some designer in Paris. Or on a farm in Australia. With sheep. Sheep don’t fuck with your emotions.”

Her hazel eyes looked dark surrounded by the brightness of the globe. “It would be that easy to leave.”

Despite my current state of numbness, my gut twisted. “I love you, Payton. But sometimes I look at you and I see everything you’ve done. You’re so damn good at your work. You have a guy who worships you. A mom you’d do anything for. Hell, you’re growing a human being in there.” I gestured to her stomach. “And if that reunion the other day was any indication, that little bean is going to be loved.”

“It took a while to get there. Max wasn’t ready, and neither was I. But he came around to it. I had to give him a chance. Sometimes we all need time.”

I took a few more steps down the walkway, leaving behind Australia and closing in on Europe. Its vivid reds, blues, and greens should’ve lifted my spirits. They didn’t.

“Payton, in the end it’s time that gets us. It’s not the fighting, or the conflict. It’s the waiting for something that will never happen.”

* * *

I spent another day in my house watching TV that didn’t matter. By Monday, I couldn’t do it. I needed something.

I felt like a zombie among the living as I took transit across town, dissolving into the crowd in my denim and tank top. I tucked into the back of the classroom. My hair was up under a baseball cap I’d had buried from when I was a kid. No one would recognize me. I didn’t recognize me.

The women’s studies professor lectured about the psychology of women. How women have a greater need to feel connected.

“Men learn that their value is in their agency. Their ability to take charge, control, win, achieve. In relationships, most men want to be valued for who they are—but they may not say this outright.”

Someone tapped me on the shoulder at the end of class. “Charlie.”

I sucked in a breath as I looked up into a set of brown eyes. “Kenna.”

She flicked the brim of my hat. “This is you incognito?” She glanced around, and I followed her gaze. “There are six guys in this class. And they’re all sitting within a row of you.” Kenna dropped into a seat next to me.

“I’m auditing.” And I needed to get out.

For once I wasn’t sure what to say.

“My brother got his promotion. But he didn’t feel much like celebrating this weekend.” She said it under her breath, sliding her book into her book bag. “Which, though he didn’t say much, I figure had something to do with you.” She sighed. “I heard you guys had a fight.”

“I don’t know what it was. But it was a sign. This was a bad idea. Your brother’s not the only one who isn’t cut out for relationships. I’m not either.”

“Charlotte. Did you listen to anything today? Guys are wired differently. I’m nineteen and even I know that. Just because it isn’t easy doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.”

I stared into her frustrated face. “You guys have the same ears,” I said finally.

“I know. So?”

“So I never saw the likeness between you until now.” I took a breath. “But here’s the thing. Your brother wants to be with me…until he has to tell anyone about it.”

“You think he’s embarrassed about being seen with you?” Her voice was incredulous.

“Well…yeah.”

“OK. If there are two things to know about my brother, it’s that he doesn’t like to lose face. And he doesn’t let people in easily. The first time he mentioned you was forever ago. Hell, I was still in high school.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“The problem is he’s waiting for it all to come crashing down. He half expects it. He’s not going to throw open the window and declare that you guys are together, because I don’t think he really believes it yet. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to.”

My throat tightened.

“I barely remember the fights between his dad and our mom. But he does. He’d read me stories with a flashlight when they were up until midnight or later. Play music to drown out their words.

“The day his dad left he had to grow up, because Mom didn’t have her shit together.” Her sad smile broke my heart all over again. “If Avery’s broken now, it’s because he was strong for me.”

“Nothing’s your fault, Kenna. And there are a lot of things I don’t know, but your brother would do anything for you. And he wants to. You bring him so much joy.”

“If that’s true, I’m not the only one.”

My heart squeezed.

She rose and I followed. “Will you talk to him?”

I trailed her out of the classroom. “Yeah. Sure. The next time I see him.”

“Great. Now’s your chance.”

My walk slowed, then stopped as we exited the building. The form on his phone by the wall a few feet away was heartbreakingly familiar.

He glanced up, and the knot in my chest tightened. Avery straightened.

“Thanks for the ride. I’ll be in the car,” Kenna said to him, shooting me a look.

I should’ve known that was too easy.

“How does it feel to be the youngest director in the history of the company?”

He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Not quite how I expected.”

“Right. Avery…”

“I stand by what I said. That it’s a bad idea for you to take the job with Mallory. But it’s not because I’m ashamed of you. Or because I don’t think you’re capable. If anything, it’s the opposite. You’re wasted there.”

He studied me, waiting for a response.

“I shouldn’t have brought that to you right before your meeting. But with you, I wanted things I hadn’t in a long time. And it was like I expected we’d flip a switch and be dating and everyone would know and be happy for us.”

He blew out a breath. “It’ll take time.”

“You can have all the time you want. But I can’t wait around for you to decide. I’ve been someone’s dirty secret, Avery. I’ve been with a man who wanted me when it was easy. It nearly killed me.” I swallowed. “But when I ran away to Boston… I know it was five years ago. But sometimes it feels fresh. Derek convinced me we were going to be together, and…” I shook my head as if I could shake it all away. “It ripped me in half, Avery. Because I waited for years.”

“You can’t honestly think I’m like him.”

“You’re smart. You’re good-looking. Educated.”

Pain flashed across Avery’s face.

“I’d have done anything for him, just like I’d do anything for you. And that’s the problem.”

“I’d never ask you to do something you shouldn’t.”

“But you don’t know what’s best for me. And I don’t have the strength to say no.” I took a steadying breath.

“So what do we do.”

“I think you were right that I need to figure out what I want to be. Who I want to be. And I can’t wait around for someone else to tell me who I can be.”

“And you can’t figure that out with me.”

“I can’t.” I realized as I said the words that they were true.

The frustration on his face, the anguish, tore at my heart even as he nodded. “OK. But promise me something. When you figure it out…let me know.”

I sucked in a breath, peering up at his handsome face. “You’ll be the first.”

He pulled me into a hug that had me desperate to take it back. To beg him to take me home with him, to make everything go away.

But I had to be strong. Not just to survive, not just for the person I was, but for the person I could be.

Avery let me go after a minute, and with a trembling smile, I turned away.