There are times when you are kissing someone else, pressing your lips against them, and hoping they respond in kind. There are times when someone is kissing you, them in charge, you passively receptive.

And then there are those magical moments when two people are kissing each other. Where you explore and claim, act and react, sharing your breath in perfect rhythm.

That is what it was like kissing Tanner today.  How had I forgotten about that? About how even a simple kiss, the most basic expression of affection between two people, could feel more intimate than sex?

I remember now, that it had always been like that with us. His mouth had always known just what to do against mine, and vice versa.

The barest brush of his lips had always left me hungry for more.

That would be acceptable, barely, on its own. I could come back here to my trailer, pull up my dress, and satisfy the aching want by myself. I could pretend that it was just the physical perfection of today’s scene that had me in a tizzy.

But it isn’t just the memory of his body weight settling between my legs that’s been stirred up. It’s my longing for the things that went along with perfect kisses. It’s the hand-holding, the late-night phone calls that went on until night disappeared into morning or we fell asleep with phones pressed between cheek and the pillow.

It’s the overwhelming urge I have to skip the rest of my solo scenes today and run to Tanner’s trailer.

It’s the realization that I’m not over him, and never will be.

I need to talk to someone, and it sure as hell isn’t going to be Tanner. So far, I’ve hidden the pain this entire venture has caused me, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to expose it now. Why would you offer a weapon to the person who used it on you before?

There’s only one person in my life that I trust to honestly and compassionately give me some advice. I reach for my phone and hit my number one speed dial.

“Girl,” comes the answer after only two rings, “what happened?”

Walter Harris – fashion designer and best friend extraordinaire—reading my mind before I even say a word.

Walter and I met almost ten years ago, when I judged a fashion design reality show for a season. He didn’t win, but it was the producers, not the judges, who made that decision. I felt so bad, I hired him on the spot to design a gown for the Met Gala. All of three minutes into draping, we were giggling together so hard I ruined the pattern.

I’ve been the face and body of every W. Harris line ever since, and Walter has been my bestie and personal designer. It kills me that the world hasn’t gone as gaga for his designs as they should, but I know Walter is one Vogue review away from fame, and I am doing everything in my power to make it happen, including a contractual obligation to use one of his looks for a huge scene in this movie.

Carrie thought I should have asked for more money, but I put my foot down. If I only get one diva moment in film, it’s going to be beneficial for someone other than me.

“We did a kissing scene today,” is all I have to say, and he groans as loudly as the springs on the bed I can hear him flopping down on. We’ve had a lot of gossip sessions snuggled up in his bed, eating popcorn and bitching about fashion.

One of the first things we bonded over, though, was heartbreak. Right around the same time Tanner was publicly humiliating me, a man named Roger was doing the same to Walter. Roger was his boss, to make matters even worse, and so Walter not only lost his relationship, he lost his job. Hence ending up on a reality show, instead of in an atelier like he should have been.

Every single Fashion Week and tons of events and parties involve Walter and Roger pointedly ignoring each other, at least until the champagne starts flowing along with the insults. I once heard that following them is Anna Wintour’s favorite pastime.

He’s always been envious of my ability to avoid Tanner, and so he was completely horrified that I was voluntarily doing this movie. After reading me the riot act, though, he’d hardly stopped for a breath before plunking a mug of tea in my hand and starting work on my first-day speech.

Granted, he warned me it would take more than one speech to survive this shoot, but I also thought it would take more than one kiss to destroy me.

“How bad is it? If I had to kiss Roger in front of cameras, they’d probably also get a porn and then a snuff film out of it.”

“Who would be doing the snuffing?” I ask before I can stop myself. “Never mind. Don’t answer that. Suffice it to say, that’s about the same predicament I’m in.”

“Jenna, my love. There are going to be mixed emotions and confusing signs and a few quivers in your… lady parts during this shoot. The most important thing for you to remember is that this is a job, and you are a professional. It’s just like that speech we wrote for you to slay Tanner with on day one. That is your first focus.”

“Right. Yes. I am a pro. This is a job.”

“Good. Say it every morning and every night. And remember, if you can get through this, you never have to see him again. At least, not after the press junket and all the premieres, that is.” I can hear the teakettle whistling on his end, and a wave of homesickness washes over me. What I wouldn’t give for a long, lavender-scented bath and a cup of Earl Grey. Instead, I have two more scenes to pull myself together for and nail.

 Movies, it turns out, are more exhausting than a full day of go-sees in Milan.

“This is not comforting,” I tell him. “But I’m not going to break now.”

       “Damn right you’re not! Jenna Stahl is a beast. Everyone knows it. You’re the hardest working girl in fashion; you aren’t going to let a man fuck up your acting career. Let this fuel your fire, love.”

“I am. I’m going to get through this, Walter. But doing this movie might just be the worst mistake of my life.”

“That’s your fear talking,” Walter said in his sweetest big brother voice. “And you know you’re stronger than all that. I love you, boo.”

What would I do without my Walter?

“I know,” I reply, “I love you too. Bye.”

The minute I get off the phone with Walter, I feel relieved. He’s right. I built my first career on long hours and never allowing any frustration to show. I can do that here, too. Every bit of the confusion and angst I’m feeling can be channeled into my performance. I text my PA to grab some Earl Grey and meet me in Makeup to run lines.

I don’t have a single Tanner scene for the rest of the week, and I am not going to spend that time dwelling. I’m going to spend it slaying.

One week after Kissgate, I’m proud to say that I have survived sans Walter. Mostly.

I did call him once when I was sure Tanner saw me completely naked while I changed from one costume to the next behind the wardrober’s makeshift curtain, but it turned out to be a false alarm.

I survived the rest of the week with little to no Tanner interaction. That’s because I’d been working on scenes with Kate, the actress that plays my character Grace’s best friend Kit, and he’d been doing the same with his on-screen buddy Shawn. We were shooting just a few stages away from each other tons of times all week, but I engaged in some expert avoidance tactics to give myself a little space. Tactic one: eat lunch in my trailer. Who needs to get into the mess of people at the crafty tent when you can bring your own healthy food from home and enjoy it in the comfort of your “office?” Same goes for breaks. Yes it is nice to chat with the crew, but not if there’s a risk that someone with whom you do not want to chat joins the convo.

       Do these moves sound somewhat juvenile? Perhaps. I don’t love conflict, as has been pointed out to me by every family member, friend and boyfriend…forever. But right now I have a very legitimate reason. I am at work, and I cannot blow this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity because of a boy. If that means a few solo lunches, so be it. I am a professional.

       That is the mantra I repeat in my head as I walk from the safety of my trailer clear across the studio lot for the next scene of the day. Again, I’m shooting sans Tanner, so there should be nothing to worry about.

Then I see Angela Clark rushing toward me, arms flailing.

       “Hi! This is perfect! I was just coming to get you! Somebody said you eat lunch alone in your trailer every day? What’s what about?”

       Angela is the publicist for this movie. She works for IK PR, one of the biggest firms in town. I know them well because they sent assistants swarming to every single restaurant, coffee shop, yoga class and drug store run of mine after Tanner and I broke up. They were trying to sign me. They wanted to help, “guide me through this challenging time in the spotlight,” they claimed. I successfully avoided them and any bad press back then, and yet here we are again.

What an annoying coincidence.

       “We need to talk press,” Angela says. The tone in her voice makes it sound like press is brain surgery.

       “Sure,” I say, “What’s up?”

       “No. We need to talk press with you and Tanner together.”

        “Why is that exactly?”

       “Because you are co-stars in what is going to be the biggest romantic comedy since Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks were on screen. It is huge, and I need a strategy, especially considering your whole -”

       “Fine,” I say. I don’t want to hear whatever it is Angela has to say about our whole anything.

       “Let’s arrange a lunch somewhere fab!”

       By somewhere fab she means somewhere public. I’ve been around long enough to know the tricks of the PR trade. Angela takes Tanner and me somewhere for a bite then pops out to the bathroom leaving us alone at the very moment a paparazzo just so happens to walk by the table and snap a shot of us canoodling over sushi. Boom! We’re all over the gossip magazines under headlines like, Janner, Together Again?! Janner Swooning Over Sushi! Janner On AND Off Set Love?? It’s the oldest trick in the book.

       “Sorry, but I’m too busy to go off set. Let’s just sit down and chat at the tables in the craft service tent tomorrow,” I say, then watch Angela’s face fall.

My face, however, is beaming. I have somehow mustered the courage to stand up to this slippery pro, and I am incredibly proud. I cannot wait to tell Walter! He loves to say that there’s a special place in hell for PR execs.  

       “Boorriinngg,” Angela says, “But fine. Do you want to tell Tanner?”

       “No,” I say, “You can tell him.” And with that, I’ve successfully handled two conflicts in one conversation. My work here is done.

       The next day I find Tanner and Angela at a table in the far corner of the food tent. It’s a little more secluded than I would prefer, but there are still dozens of people swarming around. There’s no way someone could sneak a picture without it being clear we’re just on set, and that is not enough of a story for the gossip queens to promote. Of course we’re on set together. They need more. Mission accomplished.

       “Okay,” Angela starts. “This might be a little awkward, but it’s time for the firm to develop a strategic plan for feeding information about you two to the media and paparazzi.”

       “You need a strategy to leak stuff?” Tanner asks, as though he doesn’t understand what she’s talking about.

       I let a smile sneak out. He sees and gives me a these people eye roll. I look away. We are not going to leave this meeting buddy, buddy.

       “Yes, Tanner. The press is ravenous to find out more about a former celebrity IT couple working together for the first time, ten years later. It’s so juicy.”

This time Tanner and I both roll our eyes directly at Angela.

“I’m sorry if you don’t want to face the truth, but the whole reason the studio is putting so much money behind this film is because people want to see you together,” Angela says. “And because Jenna got her agents to make sure this would be a closed set, we haven’t released even a tid-bit of info. Rumors are going to start to spread on their own. And it would be so much better if we were the ones spreading the rumors, wouldn’t it?”

       “You made this a closed set in your contract?” Tanner asks me directly. He seems shocked and maybe a little disappointed.

       “Yeah,” I say. “It’s my first major role. My agent and I wanted to maintain control.”

       “Interesting…” Tanner says.

       “Excuse me?” I fire back.

“Okay kids. Let’s not fight.” She reconsiders. “Unless you’re willing to do it on camera…”

“No!” we both say. At least we’re on the same page there.

“Wow. Alright. Calm down. Just a suggestion. Let’s focus on answering some questions,” Angela says. “Jenna, you first. Who have you been dating since you and Tanner broke up?”

       I’m silent for a second. I don’t want to go back on my decision to keep everything that happens on this set a secret. Carrie fought hard for that deal in my contract negotiations, but the last thing I want are rumors that I can’t control.

Maybe Angela is right? Maybe it’s better to confess a few simple facts to feed the beastly publicity machine.

       “That’s a lot of years to cover,” I say, slowly, trying to decide what to admit. “I was with Derrick Aster, the model, for two years. Other than that, no one special. I’ve just been focusing on my work.”

       “Cool, and you, Tanner?” Angela asks.

       I feel my stomach drop. I realize that even ten years later I don’t want to have to hear what Tanner has been up to, dating-wise. We’re in the same business though, so rumors get around. I know he dated Jackie Lee, his old co-star from The Jet. She was actually a total sweetheart, which made it really hard to hate her after that news broke. I know that he also had an on-again off-again thing with Miley Banks who is not one or two but eight years younger than him, which is totally gross.

I start running through the other famous faces I’ve heard rumor of Tanner cuddling up to over the years, but my mind stops as he begins speaking.  

       “Well, after Jenna dumped me,” Tanner starts.  

“Me? Dump you?” I jump in. “You dumped me!”

His eyes go wider than I’ve ever seen them. “You never even talked to me. You didn’t answer your phone, and I had to assume you’d broken up with me when I found your stuff gone from our apartment, because you couldn’t even deal with saying the words!”

“You cheated on me!” I yell. “Did you actually think I was going to stay after that?”

At that every head under the food tent turns. Shit. I immediately shut my mouth, but it’s too late.

“Oh please don’t stop talking now,” Angela says, clapping her hands excitedly. “This is too good.”

“What’s going on over here?” I hear someone say.

Walking toward us is Polly.

Thank god.

She’s been rumored to chase publicists off her set. She’ll save me.

“Nothing,” Angela says feigning innocence. “Tanner and Jenna are just…clearing the air.”

“To a publicist? I don’t think so,” Polly says.

I want to leap across the table and kiss her. She’s just stopped an all out war from breaking out.

Except then Polly turns her scowl from Angela to us. “Listen you two, I’ve worked on sets with conflict before. I’ve worked on sets with romance before. I don’t care what’s going on off camera.”

Now I’m nervous. This feels more like a scolding than a saving, and I need Polly in my court. Once again Tanner has put my job in jeopardy. If he hadn’t opened his big dumb mouth we could have gotten through the interview without any fireworks.

“But I do care about getting great work out of you two,” Polly continues, “And about channeling your emotions to the big screen. I took this job because I remember the chemistry that Janner seemed to have. It ignited an entire country. I was dying to see if that could be transferred to these characters. Your agents both assured me that your issues were far enough in the past that they wouldn’t be a problem, and I’ve had no reason to doubt that that’s true.”

She eyes us, letting us know that we better live up to her expectations. Then she smiles. “I see great energy right now. So, let’s take a beat, bottle this up and save it for the fight scene we’re filming this afternoon!”

Angela looks defeated. Tanner looks frustrated.

I wonder if anyone can see what I instantly feel come crawling across my face: fear.

I totally forgot that we were shooting the fight scene today, and now I’m legitimately worried that it’s going to end with me socking Tanner right in the face.