Chapter 13
Mandy
When Kain went out to take his phone call, I finally had a chance to breathe. I was kind of stressed and really feeling the pressure. Talking about this kind of stuff always made me feel that way.
Ever since Kain and I had slept together – again – I had been finding it hard to focus at work. Even my day off filled with fun, relaxation, and catching up with Ellen hadn't been enough to get him off my mind. It was unnerving, because guys rarely got under my skin like this. It seemed the more I tried to get him off my mind, the more persistently he would pop into my thoughts.
I was fairly certain the last thing Kain wanted was a relationship. Every now and then, it seemed there was something more to the way he was looking at me and talking to me than mere physical and sexual attraction but the odds were that was just my mind playing tricks on me. Kain was not that kind of man.
It was crazy to even think about such possibilities, wasn't it? I mean, this guy was a serious playboy. He and I had met through having a drunken one-night stand. What evidence was there that he had any desire whatsoever to be in a relationship? With me or anyone else. And even if he did, how could I totally trust a guy like him? Thoughts of my ex, Connor, popped into my head. If he was selfish, just imagine how much more selfish someone like Kain would be. Kain had been born into wealth. How could someone like him not turn out spoiled and selfish? It was wishful thinking to think otherwise.
And, of course, there was the fact that I didn't want a relationship myself. I was enjoying being single and had been for quite some time. I had my own things that I enjoyed doing, my own time, and I didn't have to answer to anyone. I liked that, and it worked for me. It worked very well, in fact. On top of that, I had this really demanding, challenging new job that took up a lot of my time and energy. I didn't really think that there was any point in being in a relationship, really, not at this stage of my life.
Despite all this, though, here I was, thinking about... being in a relationship. It was crazy, wasn't it? But even knowing this, I couldn't get thoughts of Kain – and thoughts of me and Kain together – out of my mind.
Interrupting my thoughts, he walked back into the restaurant. I immediately had to wonder what he had been talking about on the phone, because he looked pretty upset about it. He pulled out his chair and sat down across from me, scowling.
“Something wrong?” I asked.
He shook his head. “No, nothing. Just uh... some company stuff. Nothing to worry about though. Let's just forget about it and enjoy our evening.”
He was hiding something but I didn't think this was the time to push him to tell me about it, so I figured I would just leave it. If he wanted to tell me, he could. If not, that was fine.
“Okay,” I agreed.
“More wine?” he asked as he finished his glass.
“Sounds good,” I said.
He topped off both of our glasses and then drank a long sip of his.
“I hope you're not planning on getting wasted tonight,” I said, “because I'm going to stop drinking after this bottle is finished.”
He nodded. “That's fine. I just... I just needed a drink after that phone call.”
Ah, so maybe I was going to hear about what this phone call was about after all.
“Are you going to tell me what it was about?” I asked. “I mean, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. But you did seemed kind of upset when you came back inside and it’s clearly still bothering you.”
He sighed and shook his head. “It's my father. He's just... he's stepping on my toes, ya know? He's always been like that. Overbearing, really pushy. Sometimes, I feel like I'm not even living my own life. I just feel like my life is some sort of weird extension of his.”
I nodded. “I can see how that must be frustrating.”
“Frustrating doesn't even begin to cover it. I know people think I’m a lucky guy. This whole big, successful company was just handed to me on a silver platter, right? Well, if you knew half of it, you probably would want to run away to some tropical island and never come back. I mean, I’ve thought of just that a few times myself.”
“You can tell me about it if you want,” I said in as gentle a tone as I could.
He looked up at me, and his eyes were full of pain. It was a deep, lasting pain that seemed to come from a place deep within him.
“I don't know why,” he said, “but I have this feeling, this true gut feeling, that I can trust you. And I felt that the very first time we met. I told you things that night, things that I hadn't told anyone, thoughts that had never passed between my lips. So, I guess I can tell you. But you can keep a secret, right?”
I nodded, being as sincere as possible. “I can definitely keep a secret.”
He suddenly chuckled. “Well, you've kept a few of my secrets already, haven't you? So, I guess I should already know that I can trust you.”
I smiled. “I have kept those secrets. And you can trust me, you definitely can.”
“How do I know that you have kept my secrets, though?” he asked, narrowing his eyes with suspicion.
“If I'd told anyone about your plans to sell of part of the company and let a bunch of people go, do you really think we'd be here having this conversation, Kain? I don't. I think that, instead, you'd be trying to pick up the wreckage of what was left of your company after it imploded.”
His face paled as he realized just how much he had told me when we were drunk – and how much of it I remembered.
“I... I guess I really spilled my heart out, huh?” he managed to stammer.
I nodded slowly. “You did reveal a lot, Kain. It probably wasn't very wise of you – but don't worry, your secrets are safe with me.”
“Thank you.” He looked away and took another long, slow sip of wine. “There's something else,” he said, still looking away. “Did I tell you anything else? Anything about, about... about my brother?”
“You did, actually,” I acknowledged.
His face grew more pallid.
“But to be honest, I don't remember the details,” I added.
I figured I had to at least admit that much. Whatever this secret was about his brother, it was enough to make him very nervous. I could easily have bluffed and pretended I knew what this secret was and used it as leverage against him but that wasn’t me and it sure as hell wouldn't have been the right thing to do.
He immediately looked relieved.
“You can tell me, though, if it's something that really bothers you,” I said. “I mean, sometimes it's better to let this stuff out than to keep it in. Talking about these things can help.”
“You don't know what kind of secret it is, though,” he half-whispered. “And if you did, you wouldn't be saying that to me.”
“I'm not saying you have to tell me. Not at all. I'm not even saying I want you to tell me. What I am saying, though, is that if this secret is eating away at you inside, talking about it can help. It can help you move on and heal. And you know what? You don't even have to tell me the secret. You can go to a therapist, someone who is legally bound to keep your confidences – heck, a priest even. You know, go to confession or something... if you're Catholic. I don't know. I mean, do you get what I'm saying? Holding stuff in it's just not good for you.”
He looked down, staring at the table in silence. After a deep swig of his wine, finally, he looked up at me. “Like I said before, I don't know why but I feel like I can trust you. Like I can trust you fully and completely. I can trust you, right?”
“You really can, I promise you that.”
“Well, I think I told you before, when we were both totally wasted, so I guess I may as well tell you again. But please, what I'm about to tell you stays strictly between you and me, okay?”
I nodded. “Absolutely. I promise you, Kain, I will never tell another soul. Not unless you tell me I can.”
He breathed in deeply. “My older brother was my only sibling. James was his name, but we all called him Jimmy. He was older than me by six years, and he was your typical guardian older brother. You know, a guy who you can look up to. He never pushed me around, never picked on me – and God have mercy on any kids at school who did try to bully me. If any kid laid a finger on me at school, Jimmy would kick his ass. But he didn't just protect me, he taught me to protect myself. Our dad, he was real busy when we were growing up. I mean, he was running this company, you know, building it up and growing it constantly. He would almost always come home late; sometimes he wouldn't come home for days, because he was doing so much work that he found it easier to just sleep in his office. And yeah, that made him rich. It made us rich. But it meant that I grew up, almost anyway, without a father. So, Jimmy became almost like a father to me. He was my older brother, yes, but he was also my best friend, my role model, my guardian.”
“He sounds like an amazing older brother,” I remarked.
Kain smiled sadly. “He really was... I still miss him, even though it's been years since he passed. Many years... but the wounds still sting like they’re fresh.”
“I know exactly how you feel. My dad was very close to me, and obviously it wasn't really anything like this relationship you had with your brother but it was nonetheless very powerful. He was my role model, my hero... And like you said about your brother, I still miss my dad every day.”
Kain seemed a little taken aback. I guess he hadn't quite been expecting that sort of response from me.
“Oh, wow,” he remarked. “I didn't realize you had lost your father. I'm sorry to hear that.”
“I'm sorry, too. And thank you. He died in a motorcycle wreck.”
“That's tragic, it really is. I'm really sorry for your loss, Mandy.”
“He at least died doing something he enjoyed. He loved riding motorcycles, working on them, and fixing them up. I guess he knew the risks involved in riding, and he was prepared to take them. Maybe he would still be alive today if he had given up riding but that would have killed his soul, and he would have been miserable. I'm glad he got to live such a full life, and that he got to watch me grow up and graduate and see me become successful. I just wish he'd been around long enough to see me get this job. His last words to me were 'make me proud.' And I'm working on that. I really am. I believe he's watching over me, and that he is proud.”
A sob began rising in my throat, and tears started burning at the corners of my eyes. Kain noticed and reached across the table and took my hands in his. He squeezed them gently and looked into my eyes and smiled.
“That was beautiful,” he said softly. “And it makes what you're doing for us, for my company, I mean, that much more meaningful and profound. And you know what... I bet that he is watching you, and that he is proud. I would be if I were him.”
“Thank you,” I said, only barely managing to fight back the tears. “That means a lot.”
He nodded. “You know, I think Jimmy is looking down on me, too. And hopefully, he's proud as well. Because I wanted that, too. You know, to impress my hero – my older brother. To make him proud of me.”
“It looks like we both understand each other pretty well, at least in this area. We have more in common than we first realized, don't we?”
“We do, Mandy. And that's why I now know that I have to tell you about my brother.”
“Well, you don't totally have to,” I said. “If it's something that truly is painful to talk about, then you don't have to.”
“No, no,” he insisted. “I need to talk about it, I really do. With you.”
“All right. Then... let it out, Kain, let it out.”
He sighed deeply and looked away for a few moments before responding, staring at some unseen sight in the distance.
“I'm ready,” he eventually said. “So, like I told you, my brother was my hero, the person I most looked up to in the world. But not only that, he was my dad's favorite, too. And my dad had planned his future out for him completely. Half of the reason my dad worked so hard on his company was so that it would be something huge for Jimmy to take over when he came of age. He loved Jimmy, loved him more than life itself it seemed sometimes.”
“But then something happened...”
He nodded sadly. “Not something. I happened.”
“How? What did you do?”
He laughed softly and humorlessly. “I took Jimmy's silly dreams seriously.”
“And that was what ended up causing his passing?”
He nodded. “Yeah.”
“But... how?”
“Jimmy, didn't want to take over the company. He didn't care about business at all. He had no desire whatsoever to live the life of a CEO and climb the corporate ladder. The older he got – toward the end of his teenage years – the more he started to rebel against everything my dad believed in. He tried to major in art and drama studies but my dad wasn't having it. He still learned to play guitar in his own time, and joined a theater troupe, too. But one of his main passions was the ocean. He had always loved it, from the time we were kids. He wanted to learn to scuba dive, and to become a dive instructor, so that he could work and live all over the world in the best dive spots, doing what he loved doing. My father, of course, absolutely refused to indulge any of this. Jimmy was going to take over the company, and that was the end of the story. Jimmy was going to be the next CEO, even though it was the last thing in the world he wanted.
“I saw how this tore him up inside, how it was hurting him, that my dad refused to let him pursue his dream. So, I figured that I'd help him to pursue his dream if my dad wouldn't. I had a friend whose dad had some diving equipment and asked him if he could take us out with it and show us the basics. I didn't know that you were supposed to do your training in a swimming pool... I just... I was a kid, I didn't know. Neither did my friend.”
“Oh, no... I think I can see where this is going,” I murmured.
“So, one day when my friend's dad was out, he got the diving equipment out of the garage, called me up and said we could go to the ocean and give it a try. I told Jimmy, and he was up for it, of course. So, we drove out to the ocean, found what we thought was a good, safe spot. And then Jimmy put on the diving stuff and went into the water. His last words to me... his last words were... 'Thank you, Kain. Thank you for doing this for me. I'm so happy now. You're the best brother ever.’ The best brother ever...”
I could see tears forming in his eyes – something I had never thought I would see on his face.
“He never came out of the water. At first, we thought he was just really enjoying himself but then an hour passed. And then another. That was when we called the police. They found his body the next day.”
“Oh, my God, Kain,” I whispered. “I'm so sorry. That is such a sad, tragic tale.”
“I'm sorry, too,” he murmured. “I've never really gotten over it. And neither has my dad.”
“But you realize, surely, that it wasn't your fault. I really hope that you haven't been blaming yourself for what happened to him.”
“Of course, it was my fault!” he snapped. “If I hadn't gotten this kid to lend us the scuba gear, it would never have happened! He would still be alive today if I hadn't done that!”
“No, you can't blame yourself. It was a tragedy... but it was an accident. It wasn't anyone's fault, Kain. It certainly wasn't yours. You were just a kid. Just a kid who loved his brother so much that he wanted to help him realize his dream.”
“And that love... it cost him his life,” he said, standing up. “That's what love does. It kills.”
And with that, he ran out of the restaurant, leaving me alone at the table.