Chapter 19 – Right and Wrong
It felt like a roundhouse kick to the gut followed by an ice-chest of freezing water dumped over my head, but I still wasn’t ready to accept Kenny’s meaning. “Why are you telling me you’re pregnant?”
“Because it’s yours, dummy!” Her hands slapped down to her legs and she stormed into the kitchen, jerking open my refrigerator as she spoke under her breath. “What I wouldn’t give for a drink right now.”
I was right behind her. “But… You were on the pill.”
“Yes.” She took out a ginger ale and popped the top. “All I can figure is I’d had a sinus infection the week before. The doc put me on antibiotics—”
“Kenny, what the hell?” I leaned back against the bar. Now I was the one shoving my hands into my hair.
“Don’t raise your voice at me, Patrick Knight!” She flashed, and I took one glance before grabbing the reins on my freaking-out insides. I was ready to yell, but not at Ken.
Instead, I opened the cabinet and pulled down the Jack and two shot glasses. I filled both to the rim with amber liquid as she watched me.
“I can’t drink right now.”
Without a word, I lifted one and shot it followed quickly by the second, wincing at the burn. “Shit.”
“Yeah.” Her voice was hesitant. “That’s what I expected you to say.”
Clearing my throat, I felt only slightly more ready for this. At least my tone was calmer. “So you were taking antibiotics?”
Her shoulders relaxed. “I’d been off them a few days. Honestly, I forgot all about it. You might remember we weren’t thinking so clearly that night.”
I remembered everything about that night—down to her crying in my arms at the end. “And you’re sure it’s mine?”
She leaned forward and punched my chest hard. “You think I’d lie to you? You’re the only guy I’ve slept with since Blake.”
Rubbing the spot where she’d hit me, I tried to process this. My stomach was in knots; my emotions were flying all over the place. On the one hand, I wasn’t pissed that Kenny was having a little baby, but Jesus H. Christ! It wasn’t supposed to be mine.
“I don’t know what to say.” I finally admitted. “I mean, we’re not really together. Did you want me to pro—”
“Stop.” She held up a hand. “Just stop right there. I didn’t come here for you to make some grand gesture.” Shaking her head, she tried to leave the kitchen, but I caught her. “That’s not how we are, Patrick.”
Her blue eyes held mine, and I knew she was right. The thought of me getting down on my knee to her was followed closely by the image of her bursting out laughing. But I wouldn’t walk away from this, I wouldn’t walk away from her. Dammit, I had no idea what she needed from me, but I’d give it to her.
“I want to help you, Ken.”
“Then be my friend. Just… be there for me.”
My grip on her arm loosened, and I pulled her to my chest. “I’m always that, babe.”
I held her close, but a soft voice from the living room snapped everything back to the present.
“Patrick?” It was Elaine, standing in the doorway, dressed now in her skirt and my shirt. “What’s going on?”
I crossed the room to her, all of my insides tight. “Elaine, this is Kenny.”
Elaine’s brow rose, and my stomach dropped. “Kenny’s a girl?”
I felt my guest approaching from behind. “You said you were alone this weekend—” Kenny started.
“Yes.” My eyes hadn’t left Elaine’s, and I saw the hurt growing there. Shit shit shit… “I was going to tell you about the mixup, but we got distracted and—”
“You told her you were going to be alone this weekend, so she came here to spend the night with you? And she’s pregnant?”
That’s when it all went to hell. Elaine’s green eyes glistened as they moved from me to the girl standing behind me.
“It’s not like that.”
“I didn’t know,” Kenny said.
“Oh my god, Patrick!” Elaine quickly moved around the room, collecting her shoes and her bag, but I was with her every step of the way.
“Wait,” I said as she pushed past me. Her face was crumbling, and all my insides were crumbling with it. “Baby—”
“Don’t you dare.” Her voice was quiet, but sharp. She sniffed, and my own eyes grew damp.
I caught her waist, stopping her as she tried to walk out my door. “Please. You can’t drive back to Wilmington like this.”
She wouldn’t look at me. “I’m not. I’ll get a room for the night.”
“Stay with me… I can explain.”
She only pushed my arms away and dashed out the door. I followed, but she wouldn’t stop. She was down the stairs and at her car without looking back. I stood on the sidewalk as the first drops of rain started to fall, watching as her tail lights disappeared around the corner.
* * *
My heart was through the floor. Kenny was beside me on the couch as I sat like a zombie, sending what felt like the five thousandth text message to Elaine. They all said the same things, I’m sorry. I love you. Please talk to me. It’s not what you think. We can figure this out.
I’d given up calling when I’d gotten her voice mail for the fifth time.
“I’m so sorry, Patrick.” Kenny’s voice was quiet as she watched me type. “I thought you were alone.”
Pressing my lips together, I put the phone down but against my leg in case it vibrated. “It’s not your fault. Elaine surprised me tonight.” The memory, that red bra, was another twist to the knife in my insides.
“I should’ve told you I was coming. I just—”
“Forget it. Let’s talk about this,” I said. My throat was tight, everything was tight, but we had some major decision-making ahead of us. “What do you want to do?”
She sat back then, crossing her legs in front of her as she faced me. “I’m thinking a hundred things at once,” she sighed. “I can’t do this alone, but we’re not a couple. I can’t tell my parents, but they’re going to find out eventually. I can’t afford my own place…” Then her head dropped into her hands, and her voice broke. “Oh, god, what makes me think I can have a baby if I can’t even afford my own place?”
Tears hit her cheeks, and that old protectiveness I had for her resurfaced. “Stop.” I pulled her to me, rubbing her back. “It doesn’t matter that we’re not a couple. I’m still here. I can help you get a place or whatever you need.”
“I’m sorry, I’ve been trying not to cry,” she sniffed, sitting back, and wiping her eyes with the back of her hands. Now I understood why her mascara was smudged. “Fucking tequila. I can’t believe I’m pregnant. God, Patrick, I feel like… such an idiot high schooler.”
“We’ll figure it out,” I said, pulling her hands into my lap and rubbing them. “Tell me what you want to do. Do you want to keep it?”
Her lips tightened and for a moment she sat quietly holding my hands. Then her blue eyes rose to mine, and she nodded as my phone buzzed beside me.
“Okay, we’ll start there,” I said. My eyes went to the phone, and the name that had been circling through my mind for the last hour appeared. Elaine. “Hang on.”
Scooping it up, I ran back to my bedroom. “Elaine?”
“I only called because you won’t stop texting.” Her voice was soft, but I could tell she’d been crying. My chest ached, and I wanted to find her, bring her back to me, hold her until she saw this didn’t change anything between us. Nothing could change how I felt about her.
“I’m so glad you did,” I said. “We’ve got to talk this out.”
“I can’t help feeling like you lied to me. About a lot of things.”
I shook my head, but she couldn’t see me. “It wasn’t like that. When you said that, when I realized your mistake, I wasn’t really thinking about Kenny being a girl or how it looked…”
“It looks like you slept with her,” she said, and my stomach ached.
“I did, but—”
“And she texts you all the time. You’re obviously very close,” I heard her breath catch. “And now she’s having your baby?”
“None of that changes how I feel about you.”
“This is why long distance doesn’t work. I can’t do this, Patrick.”
Her words cut through me, and everything in me rejected what she was saying. “No. Elaine, please.” My voice was breaking now, along with my heart.
“I need a break. You need to deal with… what’s happening. I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk.”
“Elaine—” but she’d ended the call.
The line was silent, and my head dropped. I lay back on the bed, pressing my palms against my eyes. Pain hit me again and again like a sledgehammer to the chest, and all I could think of was Elaine, her beautiful smile, her touch. I’d lost her again, but this time it was my fault. And I was pretty sure she wouldn’t be back in a week. My insides clenched so hard, my knees bent, and I rolled onto my side, pressing my face into the pillow. It still smelled like her. Jesus.
I felt the lightest touch on my shoulder and blinked back. Worried blue eyes watched me.
“Hey,” I rolled over and sat up, temporarily forgetting the pain hammering my insides. I had to take care of what was happening here. Elaine was right about that at least.
Kenny hesitated, then she lifted her hand and touched my cheek with the backs of her slim fingers. “Are you crying?”
Quickly, I shoved any moisture away. “It’s not about you. Or the baby.”
Her dark brow pierced, and I could tell she didn’t believe me. “Bee sting or needle?”
My phone dropped out of my hand, as I covered my eyes against the warm mist. “You were right.” My voice was thick. “Nothing hurts as bad as this.”
She leaned forward and hugged me. “Nothing kicks the shit out of you like love.”
I held her back, speaking into her hair. “And I really fucking love her.”
She pulled away and studied my face a moment then cupped it in her hands, wiping her thumbs under my eyes. The memory of us in the back of my car, me doing the same thing to her crossed my mind. “Then we’re really fucking going to get her back.”
Shaking my head, I took her hands and brought them down to my lap. “She thought you were a guy.”
“Why did you let her think that?”
“I didn’t mean to… It’s hard to explain.” Exhaling heavily, I moved to sit against the headboard, pushing the pillows up behind me. She crawled up next to me and rested her head on my chest. Slim arms went around my waist, my arm was over her shoulder. “How are you feeling?” I said.
She shrugged. “Exhausted. All the time.”
Holding her like this, thinking about Elaine’s words, I was at a total loss. This situation had sent everything into a tailspin. If Kenny had my baby, we’d be bonded in a way—a way I wasn’t sure how to interpret. I did care about this tiny woman, but not as my wife. Elaine’s face was all over that category in my heart.
“I have to tell you the truth,” I said quietly. “This is kind of blowing my mind a little.”
“How do you think I feel?” she sighed. “I’ve been thinking about it nonstop for two weeks. That’s why I finally came here. I knew you could help me figure it out. I’m just sorry I messed up everything for you.”
My grip tightened on her shoulder. “I’ll work that out. You said you want to keep the baby, but what does that mean? Do you need money? Do you need me to help you find a place?”
Her shoulder went up and down. “I don’t know. I probably should tell my parents.”
“Okay,” I nodded. “I’ll go with you to do that.”
“Thanks,” she said.
The sky flashed briefly, and a roll of thunder vibrated the windows. Kenny’s arm tightened over my waist, and I rubbed her slim shoulder.
“I’m really tired now,” she said.
I was comfortable enough, and I was pretty sure I’d be awake all night anyway. “Sleep,” I said. “I’ll take care of you. Don’t worry about anything.”
“Thanks, Patrick,” she said, and I could hear her voice growing distant. “One thing’s for sure. It’ll be a beautiful baby.”
My throat tightened as the noise of the rain grew louder. Kenny fell asleep quickly, and I held her, my brain cycling through everything that just happened. Thunder rumbled, and all I could think of was Elaine out there somewhere, alone in this storm thinking who knew what.
Memories of walking on the beach with her, of her mentioning the little student and thinking about my babies… pain clenched my chest again, and I picked up my phone. One more time, I had to be sure she knew. I texted, I love you.
* * *
Kenny’s parents were not what I expected.
After a night of small doses of sleep marked by tossing and turning—while Kenny slept like a rock curled up beside me—I’d finally given up. I’d cooked eggs for both of us for breakfast, and she ate half of my portion in addition to hers. Then I put on my most respectable-looking khakis and a button down, and we hit the road for Bayville, me following her in my car.
In a little more than an hour, Kenny and I were sitting side by side on a dark plaid sofa in the living room of a small, middle-class home with pictures of Kenny at various ages on wood-paneled walls.
Her father Byron Woods had light brown hair like his daughter’s that was now becoming salt-and-pepper grey. He studied me with stern suspicion from his chair, which I didn’t necessarily fault him for.
Kenny’s mother Grace hastened around the room getting everyone drinks. Other than her dark hair, Kenny looked more like Grace, having the same build and eye color. I wasn’t sure what she was expecting or if she already had an idea.
“What’s your line of work Mr. Knight?” Kenny’s dad asked, sitting back in his recliner with a glass of iced tea.
Kenny was right, this did feel exactly like we were in high school confessing. “I’m a private investigator, sir. I can do pretty much anything, but my focus is online security.”
The part about me being a closer and getting the job done didn’t seem quite appropriate in view of our circumstances.
“How did you and Kenny meet?” her mom breezed into the room, carrying another glass of tea, which she handed to me.
That question threw me. I didn’t know how Kenny’s parents felt about her former occupation—if she’d even told them about her job with Carl or being a tattoo artist. They appeared pretty conservative. Then I remembered how Kenny looked when we first met compared to how she looked today. The change had occurred since she moved back home, all her tattoos were hidden; I was stumped.
“Patrick works with Derek Alexander. The man who helped with Blake’s case?” Ken intercepted. “We met through mutual friends.”
Both her parents nodded, and we were all quiet again. For the first time since Kenny told me, I worried what other people might think about our situation. I thought of my sister Amy, and how I would feel if a guy showed up to drop a bomb like this. I’d punch him in the face. How could I say this gently?
“We’ve had a little surprise,” I started, shifting in my seat. “You see—”
“Mom, Dad,” Kenny cut in, “I’m pregnant.”
With a gasp, Kenny’s mom covered her heart with her hand. Then she let out an “Oh!” that I was pretty sure indicated she was not devastated by the news.
“And you’re the father?” Kenny’s dad was another matter. His eyes were no longer curious. They were flat.
“Yes, sir.” I shifted. I should probably let him punch me in the face if he wanted to, only he wasn’t that big. “I… I mean, we…”
“It was an accident,” Kenny said. “We didn’t mean for it to happen. It was just one of those things where—”
“Kendra,” her mother said softly. “You don’t have to tell us everything.”
Somehow that statement made me want to laugh. No, her mother probably didn’t want to know the whole story of how this blessed event occurred.
Her father sat forward. “So why are we all here? Do you have a plan?”
“Yes, Patrick’s staying in Princeton, and I want to stay here with you in Bayville.” Kenny sounded more confident than she had in two days. I hoped it was because I was here with her, and I sat back to let her take the lead. Whatever she said, I’d support it.
“If it’s okay with you,” she continued, “I’ll keep working at the Jungle Gym until I can afford my own place.”
My brow lined. I hadn’t asked her what she was doing these days, and with a name like that, I wasn’t sure if she was working with kids, animals, or exercisers.
“How will you do that?” her mother asked. “You can’t kickbox in your condition.”
“Sure I can!” She scooted forward on the couch. “And I’d like to keep going to GCU, finish my teaching certificate…”
All of this was news to me, but it was great. She was doing a lot more than she’d told me.
“I’ll help out any way I can,” I added.
Her father looked at me a moment, and then he stood. “So you’re not planning to get married?”
“No.” Kenny answered before I could speak. “Patrick’s… Neither of us intended to be together that way.”
“I’m not happy about this, Kendra.” His voice was stern.
I stood as well at that. “I do care about your daughter, sir.” I walked over to him, then I wished I hadn’t. I was a bit taller, and I wasn’t going for intimidation. “This is my responsibility, too.”
“You’re damn right it is. I expect to hear a plan that demonstrates how Kendra can actually afford her own place and a baby while she works and goes to school. To me it sounds more like another screw-up that will land her right back here. For good.”
His word choice pissed me off, but his point was one I’d been going over in my own head all night—when I wasn’t thinking about Elaine. “I make good money, sir. I’m in a position to help Kenny with whatever—”
“We’re still working out the details, Dad.”
While I was going for diplomacy, Kenny’s sharp tone sounded ready to fight. I was pretty sure that was not the best approach, and I wished we’d planned this out before driving here. Thankfully her mother intervened.
“Byron, it sounds like they’re working on a plan. We can give them a little time.” Then she turned to her daughter. “When are you due, honey? You’re barely showing!”
“May.”
The room fell silent for what felt like a long time. I searched for something to say, but I felt like we’d said all we could to this point.
Her father walked to the small liquor cabinet and took out two tumblers. He poured a finger of scotch into each and handed me one. “I suppose congratulations are in order.”
I nodded and took the drink. “Thanks. And trust me, sir. I’m going to make this right.”
He turned to his daughter. “Kendra, you can stay here for now. Patrick is welcome to visit you any time, of course. But I expect you to give me a real solution. Soon.”
Her brow relaxed, and she stood. “I will, Dad. I promise.”
* * *
Later that night after a dinner of pork chops, lettuce wedges, mac and cheese—again with Kenny eating half of mine—I drove her down to the pier. She directed me and after a few turns, we were walking down the long wooden structure that extended over the water.
“Well, that went about how I expected,” she sighed.
I reached over and took her hand. “You need to work on your delivery when asking for favors.”
“Ugh! You’re right. I know you’re right.” She shook her head. “He drives me crazy. I’m sitting there telling him my plan, and he acts like I’ve gone total charity case.”
“Speaking of that, you said you didn’t know what to do. It sounds like you have a few pretty good idea in the works.”
We were at the end of the pier, and she sat. Then she tugged on my arm, making me sit beside her, our feet dangling over the edge. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I guess when I saw my dad’s face, it all just clicked together.”
“You’ve got a job, you’re going to GCU… That’s all great.”
She exhaled a little laugh. “I just wish I could afford my own place now.”
“I can pay for deposits or whatever. Tell me where and when, and I’ll send you the money.”
“No, Mom’s right. It doesn’t seem like the right thing yet. I’ll need help with the baby—”
“I want to help you.”
Her fingers traveled to the band she’d made around my arm, and I watched as she traced the lines with the tips of her fingers. “This is some of my best work.”
“Removal of Long-Story Stacy,” I said, remembering. We were quiet a few moments, then I took her hand and turned it over, opening it to show the tear hidden in her palm. “Did you ever want a family with him?”
Her fingers curled closed over mine, and after a few quiet moments, she shook her head. “We didn’t have a chance to think about it. We were so young, and he was gone so fast.”
My lips pressed together, and I smoothed her palm out against mine. “Some things stop you in your tracks.”
“Yeah.” Her voice was thick, and she spread her fingers so they threaded with mine. “Thanks for coming here, standing by me. I can honestly tell this baby I loved its daddy very much.”
“Oh, Ken,” I whispered, pulling her cheek to my chest and holding her.
My feelings toward Kenny were all twisted up. They were strong, but they moved in a different direction from my feelings for Elaine. I didn’t want to be with Kenny that way, and I believed her when she said she didn’t want to marry me. At the same time, she was part of my life now, and I cared about her. I loved her.
“I expect you to tell me if that little guy needs anything,” I said, hoping to lighten the mood.
“Oh, so it’s a boy?”
“Already causing this much trouble? Definitely.”
She laughed, pushing out of my arms. It sounded good. “You’re a dangerously sweet man, Bingley.”
“And you’ve been dealt some tough cards.” Reaching up, I slid her light brown hair off her cheek and met her smile. “No matter what, I’m here for you. I meant it two months ago, and I mean it now.”
She nodded and took my hand from her cheek, kissing it before starting to stand, pulling me up with her. “Let’s get going. I’m as settled as I can be for now, and you’ve got to win your lady love back.”
I followed her up the pier to my car, still holding hands. “I don’t know if she’ll be as easy to convince as your parents.”
“If she’s as torn up about you as you are about her, she will.”
I wasn’t sure she was right, but I nodded, keeping my smile in place. “I’ll probably have to give her a little time.”
“If there’s anything I can do, let me know.” She imitated my tone.
I pinched her nose. “I will.”
* * *
Back in Princeton, I paced my apartment, holding the phone to my ear and trying to figure out what I could say or do that I hadn’t already. I knew it was too soon to go to her, but I needed to hear her voice, to know what she was thinking. After several rings, my stomach sank. It seemed she was back to not taking my calls, but just as I was giving up, her voice appeared on the other end of the line. My eyes closed automatically at the sound.
“I don’t want to talk to you yet,” she said quietly.
“Okay,” I answered. The fact that she said yet gave me the tiniest bit of hope. “I just wanted to be sure you made it home. I… You know how I feel, Elaine.”
“Don’t,” her voice cracked, and I felt it across the miles directly to my heart.
“Nothing’s changed,” I said softly. “What happened with her was way before us, and it’s just one of those things. An unexpected…” I didn’t want to say problem. “Something we can deal with.”
“You didn’t tell me she was a girl.”
“And I was wrong. I’ll never keep anything like that from you again. It just didn’t seem so urgent at the time.”
“We’re miles apart, you’re communicating with a secret ex-girlfriend, and now this.” Her tone was more heartbroken than attacking. I knew she was telling me all the thoughts swirling through her head, and I wanted to squash them all.
“Listen to me,” I said. “My feelings aren’t like that. Kenny’s like a little sister to me.”
“Who you sleep with.”
With that one phrase, I lost.
I rested my head against the doorjamb, eyes closed. “We’d had a lot to drink, I was in a really bad place—”
“Oh, Patrick,” tears were in her voice, and my chest ached at the sound. “Loving you, having you break my heart… I couldn’t take that.”
The frustration was driving me crazy. I wanted to go to her, wipe those tears away and love her until she believed me. “I’ll never hurt you,” I said.
“You already have.”
“Elaine,” I pleaded. “You know this doesn’t change anything.”
“It changes some things.”
“Not how much I love you.”
“I’ve got to go.” The line went dead and my hand dropped.
For a few minutes, I struggled against slamming my phone against the wall. Her words repeated over and over in my head. She was right, but she was wrong. The news was a shock, and my life had suddenly shifted. Kenny and the baby were new priorities for me, but they didn’t touch us and our relationship. She was still the most important thing. But I couldn’t force her to believe it. Only time would prove it to her, and as much as it hurt, I had to wait. My jaw clenched, and I was back to pacing.
The one thing I couldn’t take was the idea she might walk away. That her feelings might change because of this. She didn’t say they had, but I could feel her mounting her defenses against me.
“Dammit!” I slammed my palm against the door jamb. I wasn’t the enemy. I wouldn’t hurt her.
She said I already had.
I placed the phone on the counter and slowly went to the shower. Flipping on the water, I watched as the steam started to rise. I wanted to hold her again. I needed to hold her again. My insides hurt, everything hurt as the warm water covered my face, as I stepped under the spray gutted.