Could there be a more annoying person alive? Likely not. Perhaps a few politicians and my fourth grade teacher who accidentally scratched the chalkboard with her garish fingernails every day. Gah.

Brooke was at it again, and I bit my tongue like any good girlfriend would do for her boyfriend’s baby mama. I will not stab her in the eye with the princess crown Ava is wearing. I will not stab her in the eye with the princess crown Ava is wearing. I will not stab her in the eye with the princess crown Ava is wearing, I repeated over and over in my mind and prayed that repetition would make it true.

But a girl could dream.

Today’s lecture was full of helpful tidbits regarding proper playdate etiquette. “Is that what you’re going to wear? We need to make a good impression out there. Maybe I should go shopping with you to pick out some proper clothes. How you look affects Ava’s future social prospects, you know,” she said in the cattiest of voices. Ms. Holier-Than-Thou needed to drop the designer bag and skedaddle. I made the mistake of telling her that we were going to Crazy Tunnels for a playdate. My one saving grace was that I neglected to tell her we were meeting Audrey and the boys there. She still wasn’t their biggest fan.

“We’ll be fine, I’m sure. Ava, are you ready to go to Crazy Tunnels today?” I asked, and the little girl lit up like a Christmas tree.

“Yaaaaaaay,” she screamed, nearly deafening us both. Her arms grabbed Brooke’s leg, and she hugged her before she ran up the stairs.

“Think about what I said.” Brooke eyed me with her heavily made up face that probably took an hour to do. I normally just threw on mascara and eyeliner, and if I was feeling adventurous, eye shadow. “We need to put our best foot forward.” If the woman said we one more time, I was going to blow my top.

“Thanks for dropping Ava off. I’ll text you if we need anything,” I said, hoping like hell she’d take off.

She gave her trademark hmmpff and left.

An hour later had us moseying into Crazy Tunnels and, I swear to God, I nearly zipped right back out. The noise. Oh, help me, the noise. It was like a million kids yelling into the same large tin can. Their voices and screams could be heard for miles.

Ava was beyond excited. Her eyes danced around with gleeful anticipation while she held on to her prized possession, Bunny. Bunny had seen better days. I’d guess he was white at some point in time, but now the poor little guy was a shade of dingy.

We walked up to the counter that was manned by an acne-ridden teen who would clearly rather be anywhere than here. Join the club. “Hi, one adult and one three-year-old,” I told the defiant man-boy.

His eyes half-open, he ripped off two narrow strips from the stack of paper. “Here are your wrist bands. Keep them on at all times. Do not remove them for any reason,” he said in rote, then threw a bucket onto the counter. It thudded and came to a skidding halt in front of us.

“Um, thanks,” I said, lifting Ava up to get her band put on. Confused about what to do with the bucket, I asked, “Do we take this with us?”

He snorted and replied, “It’s for your shoes, ma’am.” Oh. Okay. Weird. We took our shoes off and placed them in the scratched, marked-up container. Man-boy stared down at our bare feet. “You need socks. We don’t allow you in without socks.”

I flushed and thought about what on Earth to do. It took us twenty minutes to drive here. Audrey and the boys should be here any minute. Why didn’t I know we were supposed to bring stupid socks? It’s freaking hot outside. Who wore socks?

“I didn’t know that we needed socks,” I whispered down to Ava. Her jaw dropped open and started to quiver. Shit. We were mere moments away from meltdown territory. I set my hands down flat on the cool surface and grimaced at the stickiness I encountered. Trying my best to ignore the ick-factor, I leaned forward. “Is there anything we can do? It’ll take me a long time to drive all the way home and back.”

“We have socks for sale,” the little dipshit said with a smirk. Apparently, the highlight of his day was scaring people to death.

“Fine. We’ll take two pairs,” I said through gritted teeth and rummaged back in my purse for my wallet. This was turning into a costly adventure and we hadn’t even gotten past the gate yet.

As he was ringing us up, a loud, “Auntie Harper,” sounded from behind us. I swivelled around to see the boys and Audrey approaching.

“Oh, for Pete’s sake, don’t pay money for those,” Audrey said with a dismissive wave. “It’s highway robbery what this place charges for a couple of socks so thin you can see through them. I always bring extra,” she said like an angel showing up to save the day. The boys crashed their bodies into me, each one trying to outdo the other and hug me the hardest.

Audrey paid their admittance and rushed us through the maze of benches and coat closets until we came to the main attraction, a giant hamster cage with tubes sticking out and curling in loops here and there and ending in slides. Good God. How in the world were you supposed to keep track of children in this chaos?

“I see a table over there. Follow me.” Audrey pointed, then dragged the twins beside her. Ava and I tromped along behind. She led us to possibly the most uncomfortable seats ever made. Bright primary colored picnic-style tables with attached benches. All metal.

“Anybody need to use the bathroom?” Audrey asked like a pro while I just stood there frightened. So many kids. So much noise.

The children shook their heads and ran off. I may have had a small panic attack watching Ava run away. My hand clutched my chest, willing air to fill my lungs. “Don’t worry. They don’t let the kids out of here unless the number on the adult’s bracelet matches the number on the kid’s bracelet,” she said, twisting the bright pink paper circle on her wrist. “Sometimes I fantasize about losing my bracelet and not being allowed to take the boys home with me.” She doubled over and slapped her thigh, barely able to breathe from laughing so hard.

I laughed, too, knowing that she was full of it. We both knew she was just kidding.

“It’s insane in here. I can’t believe it’s so loud. Are you sure the kids will be okay?” I asked, not feeling very secure about leaving Ava to fend for herself in such a Lord of the Flies environment. There was no doubt in my mind the boys would be able to make their ways successfully in the established hierarchy, but I had doubts about my sweet little girl.

“They have a blast here. Don’t worry about a thing. And we get to sit here and gossip for a couple of hours,” Audrey said, organizing portable water cups on the red table. “We’ve got some catching up to do, you and me, girl.” She gave me the eye.

Guilty as charged. With all that had been going on with Jack’s mom and dad, I had turned down multiple offers from both her and Vivienne to go out. I could have taken a night off to spend with them, but quite honestly, by the end of the day I was exhausted. The last thing I wanted to do was go out to a noisy bar and stay up late.

And if Jack was able to come home early, I loved spending that time with him.

I knew. I’d turned into that girl—the one who dumped her friends for a guy. A hot guy who could cook, but still.

“Spill, missy. What’s been going on?” she asked in her no-nonsense way, both elbows on the table and her head resting on her clasped hands. There was no getting around it, so I spilled all about the past couple of weeks. I told her about the fateful supper and Elaine leaving John.

What I didn’t tell her, or anyone else yet for that matter, was about John eating lunch with me every day this past week. Each day he brought me lunch from different places. And I hated to admit it, but I was starting to like the guy. He stopped being an ass and turned into this charming man.

The shift in his behavior was remarkable. At first, I questioned if he could pull it off, but so far, he seemed genuine. He talked about how he and Elaine first met, their first date, and how exciting those days were. I teared up when he spoke of how much he loved her right from first glance.

He asked if we could keep up our lunches. The curiosity and the desire to fix things with his family made me agree. His face had relaxed, and the look of relief tore at my heart. What was I doing? If Jack found out, he’d be more than pissed.

John promised to bring a photo album on Monday. Was it wrong for me to be incredibly excited at that prospect?

Yeah, probably.

Anyway, I tried not to think about my secret lunch rendezvous with my boyfriend’s estranged father and focused on Audrey instead. She was still processing what I’d told her.

“So, the woman left after thirty years of marriage?”

“Over thirty years, but yeah. She’s done with him,” I said, pangs of guilt wracked my stomach as I glossed over the fact that I was working for both sides.

“Well, I can’t blame her. Sounds like she shoulda left a long time ago. No way would I put up with that from Murray. Uh-uh. If that man ever disrespected my children or me, he better put on his running shoes.” I laughed at the mental image that created. “His brother and sister won’t help with the mom?” she asked and stretched her arms out and yawned the yawn of tired moms all over the world.

“Nope. They refuse to speak to either parent until they’ve ironed things out with Jack,” I told her, sighing and rubbing my arms.

“In the meantime, you get to deal with a woman who isn’t even your mother, and his kid?” Her head shook violently. “No way.” She waggled her index finger in my direction. “That is not fair to you. I mean, that daughter of his is the cutest little girl I’ve ever seen, but still. This is his mess to clean up, not yours.”

“I don’t mind, really. Elaine is fun to be around, and Ava is a joy.”

“Girlfriend,” she said and placed her hands on her hips, “I don’t care one bit how nice everyone is. You aren’t part of this family yet, but here you are busting your hump for everyone. The rest of them needs to pitch in and do their part,” she said and then thrust her fist up into the air.

“Jack is extra busy with the new restaurant, and I really don’t mind picking up the slack.” And truth be told, I didn’t. But man, was I tired. Going from only having to deal with me and my life, to Jack, his parents, and Ava was a huge change in a very short time.

“That man of yours. Does he ever take a break from work?” she asked.

“He does, but lately not much.” Meaning never.

Audrey caught someone’s eye, and she smiled and waved over my shoulder. “Oh, my friend Sarah is here. Look at that. Do you mind if I go over and say hi?” she asked, gently gripping my arm.

“Go. I’ll stay here and keep an eye on the kids.” Without hesitation, she got up and practically ran from the table. I scanned the play area but couldn’t see the twins or Ava anywhere. My stomach twisted, but I took some deep breaths and attempted to calm myself. All the other adults here were kicking back and relaxing or having intense gossip sessions. A few were on their laptops, tapping away, oblivious to anything or anyone else. Why was I so concerned?

After a few more minutes, I couldn’t take it anymore and got up to go look. Next time we came here, I was going to bring some earplugs. How could people stand all this noise?

“Guys, play nice, okay?” I said to a couple of older boys who should have known better. They were climbing the rope netting around the ball pit, then throwing themselves off, not caring who they landed on in the process. The little punks just glared at me and skulked away.

Still no sightings of the kids. Dammit.

Not one minute later, I heard hysterical crying near me. It sounded like Ava, but I couldn’t be sure because it mixed in with all the other screeching and screaming. Finally, zeroing in on where it was coming from, I saw a red-faced Ava bawling her eyes out.

“Oh no, what’s wrong?” I cooed and crouched down while she stumbled into my arms.

“B-b-bunny,” she choked out between sobs, her tiny body shaking and heaving.

“Where’s Bunny?” I pushed away a bit to see he wasn’t in her arms. Shit. Jack said not to lose that stuffed animal.

“Dunno,” she said, her big eyes looking at me with sorrow in them. Those long, dark eyelashes she got from her father were wet and blinked at me. This kid knew how to tug at your heartstrings.

“Could he be in the tunnels?” I asked with trepidation in my voice at the thought of having to go find the filthy beast. She shrugged her shoulders in response. Gah. Well, looked like I was going in. “How about I go in and look for him?”

Her beautiful face brightened, and she nodded. How was I going to search thirty miles of tunnels on my knees?

“Do you want to wait here on this bench or come with me?”

She pondered for a few seconds, then said, “Wait here,” and climbed onto the bright blue bench.

I left her there with my purse and bobbed and weaved through the mess of kids until I got to the entrance for the tunnels. Walking up the stairs, I gave myself a bit of a pep talk. I could do this. If a bunch of rowdy kids could zoom around up here, so could I. Right?

When it was my turn to climb into the cylindrical tube of doom, I took a big breath, pulled up my big girl panties, and bent down. “Hurry up, lady,” a rude little boy said and muscled me forward. Sheesh.

Once inside, I chuckled at my hesitation. This wasn’t so bad. The tunnel was more than large enough to fit through comfortably, and every so often, there was netting to crawl through so I could peek around and keep track of Ava.

About a minute into my adventure, the walls of the tunnel started to close in around me, and I lost my breath completely. The boy who pushed me yelled at me from behind, “Move over,” before he practically mowed me over.

With no breath left in me, I was unable to say a word. The tightness in my chest wasn’t leaving, and now my head was pounding and spinning and I was ten seconds away from losing the microwave bean burrito I had for breakfast. Boy, did I regret buying that box of quickie breakfast food now. Jack scolded me for buying “processed junk,” but my free time in the morning was dwindling. Hell, free time at all was practically nonexistent. My stomach started gurgling and roiling to add to the misgivings I was already having. It had been weeks since I’d eaten a boxed meal, and now I was fully regretting it.

With nobody to save me, I pushed ahead, gasping for air and praying my stomach would stop acting up. I needed to get out of here. Now. Screw the bunny. I’d take Ava to a toy store.

When I entered the exit slide, I almost breathed a sigh of relief. A few more seconds and I’d be home free. But when I tried to glide down, I didn’t move. The angle of the plastic wasn’t conducive for anyone of my height and weight to actually go down, so I just stuck there. The children behind me had no sympathy, and they just kept zooming down and crashing into the child in front of them until we were a linked-up traffic jam of bodies.

Try as I might to get down quickly, it just wasn’t working. I snaked and wiggled my body to acquire any kind of traction at all. And, boy, were the kids angry. If I thought it was loud before, having ten ticked off kids and toddlers behind me shouting was no picnic.

Eventually, I made it down—with less hair and more bruises. The ball pit I landed in smelled like…I decided it best not to think about what exactly the specific aromas were. Grateful to be out of that hellhole, I sat there for a minute or two, enjoying how my lungs worked. Air in…air out. Repeat.

Hindsight being twenty-twenty, I should have exited immediately. Or at least prior to an ear splitting, “Bombs away,” from a little juvenile delinquent in training. Followed by a loud, “Ooofff,” on my account. He’d jumped off the netting from quite a height and landed directly on my gut. Ouch.

Before I could ask him if he was all right, he was up and laughing, spraying balls all over me until I was nearly buried. So this is what hell is like.

I got up, dragging my ass and what was left of my dignity with me out the exit. Ava, my little angel, was sitting quietly with her hands on her lap. Her eyes looked around with hopeful expectancy. Once again, my intestines protested, and I gave up the hope of containing the bean burrito until we got home.

Reluctantly, I told Ava that Bunny was nowhere to be found. The piercing wail that came out of her mouth was otherworldly. Heaven help me, what exactly was I supposed to do now? If I didn’t find a bathroom pronto, she wasn’t the only one in here who was going to be screaming.

“Auntie Harper, why’s Ava sad?” Nicki said as he stumbled over to us, Levi in tow.

“She can’t find Bunny. Look, do you see your mom anywhere? I have to get to the bathroom, and I don’t want to leave you guys alone with Ava.”

“Mom said she was goin’ to check out Sarah’s new car, but she’d be back in a jiffy,” Levi said, as he lifted up his shirt to wipe the sweat off his forehead. Shit.

“Okay, looks like you’re all coming to the potty with me,” I said and picked up a still screeching Ava. The boys paraded behind. Ava plastered her hot, sticky little body to mine, putting more pressure on my stomach than I needed at that exact moment, which quickly raised my situation to urgent level status.

I thanked my stars that the bathroom was empty when the three of us ran in. Ava was still screaming at a hell of a volume, but the boys were being watchful and cautious. “Guys, I need to go to the bathroom really bad. Can you stay right outside the stall door until I’m done?”

The twins were fine with this. Certainly, I had my doubts about whether they would stay in one spot for that long. But Ava had permanently attached herself to me. There was no way the child was going to let me go. We were going to have a code brown here shortly, so I did what I had to do and took her in the stall with me. Once inside, I maneuvered around and sat down, still with a three year old attached.

That’s when the violent cramps took over. Yeah. After the second explosion, Ava pushed away from me and scowled. “Yuck,” she said and flailed off my lap like it was on fire—it kinda was. Then she dropped down to the floor and crawled under the door on the disgusting tile floor.

It looked like it hadn’t been mopped in a decade. The only good thing to come out of my untimely demise was that Ava was so revolted by my attack of gastritis, the poor child stopped her shrill screaming. Thank you, Jesus.

This must be how people with botulism or malaria felt. My insides were in a war for who could exit first, and to me at least, they all won. The pain was all-consuming, and I could barely breathe at times. It was no secret as to what was going on in here. Courtesy flushes only went so far.

“Are you dying in there?” Levi said before he lay down on the awful floor to peek in.

“I’m fine, just a little stomachache.” While certain noises said otherwise, I forced a grin as best as I could. I figured it was better then telling him I had a massive attack of the shits.

“It smells horrible. What did ya eat?” Nicki asked, joining his brother on the floor. Someone save me, please. Four brown eyes stared up at me in question.

“I bet she had beans. Dad always smells like that after he eats a can of sweet brown beans,” Levi answered for me as I stealthily slid my hand back to flush again.

“You shouldn’t flush while you’re on the potty. Mommy says it could suck your butt into the sour system,” Nicki added.

“Sewer system, dumby,” Levi said with a kick to his brother’s back. Ava decided to get in on the action, and soon she, too, was lying in wait. Six sweet, expectant eyes looked up at me from the filthy floor, while I continued with my cacophony of noises. Just when I thought it was starting to subside, another burst would come from God knows where and send me into a painful fit all over again.

I prayed to the burrito gods and told them I would never touch another bean burrito as long as I lived. Or at least only when I was going to be home alone for the next twelve to eighteen hours.

When I was nearing the end of my attack, I reached for the toilet paper dispenser, only to find no paper. A shock of panic swept through me at the thought of being devoid of all paper products. “Guys, there’s no toilet paper in here. Can you please look in the stalls next to me and pass me some?”

They all scrambled off the floor and slammed their way around in search of the Holy Grail. “There’s none over here,” Levi said.

“Over here, neither. Not even paper towel things,” Nicki countered. Oh noooo.

“I gots some,” Ava sang, and my shoulders sagged in relief. Unfortunately, the relief was short-lived when her pudgy hand poked under the door with a few scraggly bits of ripped up paper. What in the hell was I supposed to do? There wasn’t so much as a Kleenex in my purse. I knew that for sure.

Trying to calm myself down, I pulled the phone out of my pocket and texted Audrey a 911 emergency call for help.

Me: HELP! Stuck in the bathroom with the kids. No toilet paper. HELP!

Audrey: What the heck? LOLOLOLOL! Be right there.

Me: THANK YOU.

I told the kids that she was coming to save the day, and we just needed to wait it out. The boys commenced racing in the bathroom. Ava insisted on being a part of whatever they were doing, even when the races turned into an obstacle course, which consisted of crawling under the bathroom doors and by my feet, then hopping to the finish line.

The baths these kids were going to need once we got home.

A few minutes later, Audrey arrived, laughing her ever-loving guts out. “Whooooeeeee, it smells ripe in here!” she yelled for all to hear.

“Auntie Harper ate beans,” Levi explained.

“Then her butt exploded,” Ava said. The little traitor. Audrey hooted again at my expense.

“Did you bring some paper for me?” I asked as I tried to restrain my temper. Honestly, my patience was worn down to a thread.

“I’ve got some tissues in here,” she said and passed me a few under the door.

“Honey, that’s not gonna do it,” I said, because that wasn’t going to even come close to what I was going to need.

“Oh boy, I’ll have to go up front. Give me a… Oh, hi, Sarah,” she said, changing her tone completely. “Say, do you have any wipes in there? My friend is stuck. There’s no toilet paper left.”

“Yeah, for sure. One sec.” I heard something plunk down on the counter and a couple of zippers open. “Here you go.”

“Um, she’s gonna need a lot more than that from the smell of things.” Audrey chuckled, and they both burst into gales of hilarity. “Thanks, sweetie. I’ll buy you a coffee the next time we go out.”

Audrey passed me a huge stack of diaper wipes. I groaned and thanked my faceless hero to whom I would be forever in debt.