‘Do you know what? I didn’t want to say anything because I knew how into him you were, but I did think there was something a bit off about Daniel,’ Kate says, sprinkling some chopped walnuts onto her roasted banana.
She passes the packet to me and I shake some over my own, which is already covered in molten chocolate. After last night’s excess of Fanta, cheese puffs and cake, I really ought to be having something healthier, but never mind. Now is not the time to be worrying about my diet; I’ve just relayed my argument with Daniel and right now, what I need is to be snuggling up on the sofa, tucking into our lazy weekend treat.
‘What do you mean there was something off about him?’ I ask, taking a delicious mouthful.
‘He just seemed a bit, how do I put it?’ Kate digs her spoon into her banana. ‘Possessive. It was just a bit strange, the way he sort of took over your life. Moving you into the Shard.’
‘I guess.’
‘I mean, he even started dressing you!’ Kate adds, scooping up another spoonful.
‘He didn’t dress me.’
‘Come on, Sophia, you came back here looking like a completely different person. All those short fancy dresses and stiletto shoes. It wasn’t really you.’
‘Well, yeah, it wasn’t me because I could never have afforded that stuff, but Daniel had the money to. I get that he wanted to make me look a bit classier, but saying he dressed me sounds really weird and creepy, like I was some kind of doll.’
Kate raises a knowing eyebrow. ‘Exactly.’
Suddenly, I have a flashback to one morning at Daniel’s place a few weeks ago, when he laid out an outfit for me on the bed because he said the dress, scarf and jacket would ‘go really well together’. At the time, I’d been in a hurry to get ready for work and was just glad to have been spared the hassle of having to choose what to wear, but looking back, it was a bit odd.
‘What’s up?’ Kate eyes me strangely.
‘Oh, nothing…’ I can’t face confessing the memory. ‘I was just thinking you might be right about the doll thing.’
Kate nods sagely. ‘You need someone who’s going to take you as you are.’ She gestures up and down me, encompassing my bobbling pyjamas which I bought for a couple of quid down Lewisham Market a few years ago, my wild hair, and the smudged eyeliner around my eyes. She pulls a face.
‘Okay, well maybe not exactly as you are,’ she teases.
‘Shut up!’ I grumble through a mouthful of banana.
‘Sexy!’ Kate laughs.
‘You’re right, though,’ I admit. ‘I mean, look at me.’ I glance down at a splodge of banana that’s fallen onto my pyjama top. ‘I’m not exactly perfect and yet I’ve been holding out for this unrealistic “perfect” guy, some bloke who’ll just sweep me off my feet, but it doesn’t exist. No one’s perfect.’
‘I hate to say I told you so but, umm, I told you so!’ Kate points out. ‘What you need is someone who likes you for who you are. Someone you’re into, simply for who they are.’
I think of Chris and look down to my lap.
‘Oh, Soph.’ Kate moves closer and wraps an arm around me. ‘Don’t worry about Daniel. I can’t blame you for falling for him. He was totally gorgeous, even if he was a bit of a dick. You’ll meet someone decent soon.’
‘That’s the thing,’ I sigh. ‘I think I already have.’
Kate looks confused. ‘What? Who?’
‘Chris.’
She looks blank and I realise that since I haven’t been living here lately, I haven’t even mentioned running into him after our terrible first date, let alone that we baked a cake together, or slow-danced.
‘Remember that noodle nerd?’
‘Oh, that really boring guy?’ Kate wrinkles her nose.
‘Yeah, well no. I thought he was boring, but he’s not.’ I tell her the story of bumping into him and how my feelings changed as we got to know each other. I tell her about the moment we shared at the party last night before we were interrupted by Daniel and how the next thing I knew, Chris had taken off after seeing me and Daniel ‘kissing’.
‘Well tell him how you feel then!’ Kate exclaims, scrunching up her empty tin foil, having polished off her banana while I’ve been talking.
‘No, I can’t.’
‘Look, you have his number. Get your phone and call him,’ Kate orders.
I shake my head. ‘No, it’s complicated. He’s with someone now. And anyway, I don’t know where to start, it’s just…’ I search for the right word. ‘Difficult’.
Kate rolls her eyes. ‘Yeah, newsflash, relationships are difficult! You can either get your phone and call him or sit here in your pyjamas and pointlessly swipe on Tinder. Your choice.’
‘But—’
‘Life is short, Soph, but you like this guy, don’t just let him go,’ Kate pleads.
‘But he’s got a girlfriend!’ I remind her
‘Yeah, and he tried to kiss you,’ Kate points out, as she scans the coffee table and the sofa armrests.
‘Where’s your phone?’ she asks.
‘I’m not calling him,’ I insist.
‘Sophia!’ Kate whines. ‘He tried to kiss you. He clearly likes you. Don’t just let him disappear out of your life. Surely you know after all this time dating how hard it is to find someone special’
‘S’pose.’
‘You know I’m right.’ Kate fixes me with a pointed look.
‘Okay, maybe you’re right.’ I reluctantly give in.
Kate’s smiles victoriously. ‘I’m always right.’
I roll my eyes. ‘You’re a bit right. A smidge. Sometimes.’
Kate grins before looking around the room. ‘So, where’s your phone then?
‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘If I’m going to have this conversation, I’d rather do it in person.’
I glance at the clock on our living room wall. It’s 12.20pm and I remember Chris messaging a friend last night, and saying something about how he had battle games club this afternoon at the Red Lion pub in Waterloo. I’m pretty sure he said he was meeting his friends at 1pm. I could just go there. After all, I don’t want to risk him ignoring my messages, especially if he’s still bruised from last night. I tell Kate my plan.
‘Awesome!’ Kate gushes, her eyes lighting up. ‘Oh, this is so romantic. Can I come?’
I picture her, getting dramatic and reciting a Shakespeare sonnet or something as Chris and I kiss.
‘Umm… maybe not!’
She looks affronted.
‘I mean, I think this is just something I need to do, err, on my own, you know,’ I tell her.
She nods. ‘Yeah, you’re probably right,’ she relents, yawning loudly.
‘Tired?’ I ask.
She nods. ‘Yeah. Max took me out last night after the show. We had a few cocktails at the Oxo Tower.’
‘Oh, fancy!’
‘It was cool.’ Kate shrugs. ‘Amazing views. And the cocktails were nice too.’
‘Oh yeah?’ I finish the last few mouthfuls of my banana.
‘Yeah. I had a porn star martini!’ Kate smiles tightly, looking inexplicably awkward.
‘Okay…’ I regard her warily. ‘And was it nice?’
‘It was great! Fruity!’ She chews her bottom lip as she always does when anxious.
‘Kate, what’s up?’ I ask tentatively.
‘Oh, it’s nothing! It can wait! Don’t worry! You go and talk to Chris,’ Kate gabbles, smiling tightly.
I frown, confused. ‘What? No. Tell me what’s up.’
She picks up a cushion and squeezes it like a giant stress ball.
‘Kate! Tell me!’
‘Well… umm… While we were having drinks Max, umm, asked me to move in with him,’ she blurts out, before burying her face in the cushion.
‘Oh.’ I feel my stomach tighten ever so slightly. Kate hides her face behind her hands and looks at me with a guilty expression that makes me feel terrible.
This is a happy moment for her, and yet here she is, feeling bad about it because of me. I think back to that moment at Daniel’s flat when she called after her Mousetrap audition to tell me she had good news and I’d thought, with a fleeting sense of dread, that she was getting engaged. I remember how guilty I felt then, realising I’m the kind of person who almost doesn’t want to see their best friend move forward in their life just because I’m scared of being left behind. Kate must realise this – that I’m afraid of being alone – and that’s why she’s so uncomfortable telling me her good news.
I look down at the carpet, the dark blue industrial one our cheapskate landlord used to line the whole flat. What if Kate’s been wanting to move out of this crummy old place for years and I’ve been holding her back? After all, she and Max have been together for over four years now. The thought fills me with shame.
‘You and Max could have moved in together ages ago if it wasn’t for me,’ I think aloud.
‘What?’ Kate looks surprised. ‘I didn’t want to move and Max only lives around the corner. And anyway, I like having my space, my cosy little bolthole with you. But now Brian’s moving out and Max just suggested I move in.’
‘Oh… Where’s Brian going?’ I ask.
Max met Brian, a gangly IT programmer, through SpareRoom when he first moved to London about six ago. They’re complete opposites but as housemates, they’ve always got along really well.
‘He’s moving in with his girlfriend,’ Kate tells me.
‘Brian has a girlfriend?!’
‘Yeah.’ Kate shrugs. ‘Didn’t I tell you?’
‘No.’ I shake my head.
‘Oh, she’s some girl he met through work. I’ve only met her once or twice. He’s always round at hers these days.’
‘Oh, okay,’ I murmur.
‘So, since Brian’s moving out, Max thought it might be a good idea if he and I move in together. We’d get to see each other more, which would be good, especially since my schedule’s going to get even more crazy once I start The Mousetrap. And our relationship is pretty serious so I should probably try living with him just to check he’s not completely undomesticated and I—’
‘Kate,’ I cut her off. ‘It’s okay. You don’t need to justify yourself to me. It’s great! I’m happy for you!’ I insist, although my voice comes out a little shrill.
‘Really?’ Kate presses.
‘Yeah,’ I reply, because I am happy for her. I am.
‘But what are you going to do?’ Kate regards me anxiously. ‘Will you stay here? You could get another flatmate? I’m sure there are loads of cool people. You could look on SpareRoom like Max did. It worked for him!’
‘Yeah!’ I try to muster up some enthusiasm. ‘I could do that. Yeah.’
I plaster an optimistic smile onto my face even though the thought of messaging random people on SpareRoom is about as appealing as going back on Dream Dates.
‘I’ll help,’ Kate suggests. ‘We can vet the weirdos together! We can have an open day or something, invite everyone round. Hey, there might be some cute guys!’ Kate winks.
I laugh weakly. ‘Yeah, it’ll be cool.’
‘It will!’
A silence passes between us.
‘Kate, I am happy for you, you do know that, right? You’re my best friend, all I want is for you to be happy and content.’
‘I know.’ Kate smiles sadly. ‘I just feel bad leaving you,’ she says in a small voice and I have to fight back the urge to cry.
‘It was going to happen at some point, right?’ I croak.
‘I guess.’ Kate looks down at her lap. ‘But you know you can come over to Max’s all the time, don’t you?’
‘Yeah, of course!’
‘Mi casa es su casa! It’ll be like nothing’s changed.’ She smiles.
‘Yeah, it’ll be great!’ I agree in that upbeat voice again. ‘Come here.’ I pull her into a hug. ‘It’s going to be great. I’m so excited for you!’ I tell her, meaning it.
‘Thanks, Soph.’ She smiles. ‘Right, are you sure you don’t want me to come with you to see Chris?’
I laugh. ‘No, it’s cool,’ I insist. ‘I’ve got this.’