Zach
I’m tangled in a curtain of hair. My arm is thrown over Jade’s side, and her legs are twisted with mine. She’s warm, but that’s not what pulled me from my sleep.
“Help,” she calls out. “Please help me. I can’t reach it,” she mumbles and stretches out her hand. “Max. Please it’s too cold.” Her voice is weak, listless in her sleep.
That’s what woke me.
“Jade,” I whisper, brushing the hair from her face. “Baby, wake up.”
“I can’t breathe. Help me, please,” she begs again, this time her voice more strained.
“Jade,” I call a little louder and give her a small shake.
She sucks in a breath and holds it.
“Jade, you’re fine. Wake up. Breathe,” I shake her shoulders a little harder this time. “Jade. Come on. Wake up.”
Suddenly, her eyes spring open, and she jerks to her elbows, choking and gasping for air. She sucks in several breaths, coughing. Her eyes are glazed over when she finds me, confusion swirling as her chest rises and falls sucking in more breaths.
“You’re fine,” I try to comfort her.
Alarm pales her face. She yanks the covers off and darts across the room and into the bathroom. I’m on her heels as she drops in front of the toilet and pukes. I grab a wash cloth, wet it, and then hold it to her forehead. I try comforting, reassuring her that she’s okay as she heaves several more times. She told me about her nightmares years ago, but she left out the aftermath that it causes. I didn’t know this was part of it.
She drops her back against the wall, gasping for air. I slide down beside her and pull her shivering body against mine.
“When did you start having your nightmares again?”
Her answer comes in the form of a sob. I draw her in tighter as her shoulders shake and her cries tumble.
It wasn’t long after I met and bonded with Max, that I gave him shit one day for running off some soccer jock who had the hots for his sister. She and I hadn’t gotten close yet, but I knew I wanted to be, and I was picking his brain to find out why he was so damn protective over her. We were sitting on the brick ledge just outside of the library entrance when he divulged into the reason. He felt like he shouldn’t stray too far from the vow he made while praying for her life.
When they were little, they often went to a certain hill to sled when it snowed. They found it by chance one evening when they took a shortcut home from another sledding hill. He said it was perfect with a long steep hill that allowed you to pick up speed, and a frozen pond at the bottom that didn’t let the ride end for another several seconds. One day they were there for several hours, riding down and walking up, practicing their imaginary Winter Olympic skills. The last trip up, Max told Jade he was hungry and it was time to go. Being the stubborn and full of life little sister having too much fun, she leaped on her sled and went back down the hill in a giggle fit.
He said she slid to a stop, got off the sled and started walking toward the edge when the frozen pond wasn’t as frozen as they thought. She made it halfway from the middle of the pond when the ice made several loud thundering cracks and she fell in. Max rushed to her, but the ice around her was soft and chipping off every time he got close. He struggled to reach her and said she was screaming in agony, begging for him, but she was just out of his reach. When he finally did get to her, she was unconscious. Her sled had somehow wedged itself where it kept her from going under completely. He pulled her lifeless body out of the water and began giving her blue lips CPR. He screamed for help as he did chest compressions, but they were too far out in the backwoods for anyone to hear him. When she finally took a breath, he wrapped her up in his jacket, put her on his sled, and ran, pulling her home.
He’s never mentioned it again and Jade’s never talked about it, only giving me small glimpses when she admitted she was having nightmares.
Her cries begin calming down. I kiss her head. “When did you start having them again? Why didn’t you tell me?”
After our first time together, our friendship blossomed. We texted each other a lot, so much I can’t believe we never got caught. But when she had a nightmare, she’d text me and I’d spend the next few hours calming her down and then bullshitting with her until I knew she was fine or when she said she wanted to go back to sleep. I never cared that some of those times made for a dreadful next day in school.
She wipes her cheeks and then stands on wobbly legs as she shakes her head, not wanting to talk about it. She brushes her teeth, spits, and walks out of the bathroom. I find her sitting in front of the two large windows on the front side of my house. The curtains are open, the blinds pulled up. Her eyes are closed as the sunshine pours over her skin. She told me years ago, she does this to settle the panic the dreams cause, reminding her she’s alive.
I leave her be, fighting against my urge to insulate the fear. I press the button on the coffee maker and while it brews, I grab a root beer and pour it into a ceramic coffee mug. She misses coffee the most so I figured since I can’t give up my caffeine jolt I’ve needed since junior year of high school, I can at least make the experience easier for her.
I’m stirring in the milk when she enters the kitchen fully dressed with her hair pulled up into a ponytail. Her eyes look tired, but she’s wearing a smile. She strides right up to me and takes my coffee cup out of my hands, brings it to her lips and takes a small sip. Her moan wakes up my dick.
Smirking, I hand her the root beer mug.
She titters looking at it. “This is such a tease.”
“Just like what that moan did to my cock.”
She rolls her eyes and slides onto the tall stool. She looks crestfallen glancing at the counter. “I’m sorry for earlier.”
I join beside her, running my hand down her arm. “Don’t apologize for shit out of your control. Why didn’t you tell me you were having them again?”
She shakes her head. “It’s been a long while.” She takes a sip of her drink and giggles, looking into the glass. “This is sacrilegious.”
Smiling into my mug, I take a swallow of my hot drug, before replying. “This is fabulous.”
Her eyes narrow playfully. “Asshole.”
“I’ll make you a pot the moment you’re allowed to have some,” I tell her.
She loses herself in thought, staring off into the distance. I know this isn’t from the coffee. This is something more serious. “Wanna talk about it?”
She clears her throat, my words bringing her back into the present. “I can’t stay too long. I need to get home.”
I nod even though I hate that she’s leaving soon. And who the hell knows when I’ll be able to convince her to come back.
I’m just getting out of the shower when Jade enters the bathroom with my cell phone in her hand, her expression quite despondent.
She holds it out. “I shouldn’t have answered it, but it was annoying the hell out of me.”
Oh, this isn’t going to be good. My heart drops, but my expression remains stoic. “Who was it?” I take the phone.
She zeroes in her discontent. “Belinda.”
Oh, this really isn’t going to be good.
“She said she landed an hour ago and just checked in her hotel room. And since you two couldn’t meet up the last time, she was hoping to see you again. She’ll be in town for three days.” Her lips twist with bitterness. “I told her I was Max’s sister. You’re welcome.”
“You could’ve told her the truth for all I care,” I respond, unconcerned.
She looks sad when she shakes her head. “That isn’t my place. Whoever you want to know will know.”
That was a low blow jab and I felt it in the center of my gut. I tug my shirt over my head. “I wanted to tell the family first.”
Her stare lingers as the argument stirs, but she abandons it and leaves the room.
“Fuck,” I whisper into the empty air, running my fingers through my wet hair. “One step forward, twenty steps backward.”
She’s gathering her things and setting everything by the front door when I come down the stairs. Her back is turned to me.
“I won’t be meeting with her, or anyone else for that matter.”
She doesn’t look at me as she digs through her purse for what I’m assuming are her keys. So I continue.
“I went to you instead of her the last time she was in town and I haven’t seen her for six months prior to that.”
Sad eyes land on me. “We’re not together, Zach. I know the rules and how everything is. It’s been this way for a while.” She tosses her purse strap on her shoulder and grabs her suitcase handle, extending it up. “I’ll call you.”
Four strides and I’m stopping her. “Why does this feel like an end to a really bad date?”
She purses her lips. “Like you’ve ever had one.”
“Actually, I have. There have been many dates where I couldn’t wait to run away. But that doesn’t explain what’s going on with you. You’ve been off since sitting by the pool. What exactly were you thinking of?”
She’s twisting her grip on the handle of her suitcase and averts her view to her feet. “I think maybe I’ve led you on by coming this weekend. I’m not really interested in more. Not with you.”
Stunned, my brows hike up. “I’m not going to see her, Jade.”
She exhales raising her face to me. I can see the battle in her mind causing turbulence. “I…” She stops, shifts, and adjusts the strap on her shoulder before meeting my gaze again. “It was always so easy for you to break my heart in front of me. For years I put up with it until I became numb. You took and you took and I allowed it until eventually I quit feeling the hurt. I focused on getting to see you secretively to drown out everything else including the laceration of watching you walk away right after you pleased me. And even now that everything is the way it is, it feels the same…numbing.”
“You know I’m not—”
“Everything got blurry back then and honestly, it’s the same now.” She flashes a sad smile. “You’ve said the same things, how you want to be with me and you’d never hurt me, but you still devastated me so effortlessly. I enjoyed life with you when there weren’t any major strings attached and no expectations. You were fun. The hurt was expected. And not everything was hopeless.”
“Jade—” I try again, but she stops me.
“I’ll text you when I get home and call you when I make my appointment.”
I’m clenching my jaw so tightly my teeth are grinding together when she stretches to kiss my jaw. “Jade, I’m not young anymore. We both made mistakes and I’m desperately trying to show you they will never happen again.”
Her smile is despairing. “I know, but it’s not working. It’s been like this for years and it all feels the same.”
I watch her walk out of the house and shut the door behind her. Part of me wants to chase her, snatch her up, and tie her to my fucking bed until she realizes just how much I love her. The other part knows I’d go to jail if I did it. I have a few secret weapons, a few helpful tricks up my sleeves, and one of them is in her suitcase now.
Surely that phone call had nothing to do with this. She’s dealt with the calls before and never let it bother her the way she’s bothered today.
Something switched her off when she was lost in thought by the pool. And I know if it was anything from our past, it hurt because it always fucking gashed me.
I made this bed, and now I’m trying to make it up and somehow have her see she owns every bit of my being if it fucking kills me trying.