SEBASTIAN
The moonlight bathes the room in a soft cool white glaze. As the silvery orb rises higher and higher in the night sky, I watch the shadows cast on Cadence’s face change. The soft light catches on the bridge of her nose, on her flickering eyelashes, on the curve of her lips; showing me a hundred and one different faces to her. Each one twisting tighter and tighter.
Even in the dark I can see the bruise spread further and further across her cheek and over her eye as each minute ticks by. Dark and purple, there are spidery veins running like streams over the expanse of the wound. I lean in and press the cold compress against her forehead, willing the soft, damp fabric to soak up the pain and leave her the delicate, pristine Cadence that I know.
Sarah told me that Cadence passed out for a while on the drive home, but was up and alert by the time the doctor had come to see her. They’d given her a painkiller and she’d fallen asleep by the time I’d arrived at my hotel room.
Sarah wouldn’t leave without her friend, so Marius offered to bunk with Brad for the night so she could sleep in his room that adjoins with mine.
And here I am, wondering how I could have let this happen. How, even in my presence, watching over her, Cadence is now lying in my bed, with the side of her face brutalized under the hand of a drunken idiot.
It had all happened so fast. And it was not the way tonight was supposed to end.
I had been on such a high performing tonight. It’d been the first time I’d been on stage performing since we had really gotten to know her. As with the first concert, I couldn’t keep my eyes off Cadence in the audience during the whole set. I drank it all in, the way her face lit up in those first few bars of each song, trying to figure out what we were going to play. And then the way she would lose herself in the music, dancing to the rhythm of my cello.
I couldn’t wait to get back to her in that booth. I hadn’t wasted any time pressing up against her, our heads leaning in so we could hear one other, I’d believed everything I’d said to her. These last few weeks, I’d felt like she was part of the band, and if there was the tiniest inkling of her thinking she would join, I’d fight to the death for her right to become one of us. She’s more than proven she can keep up with us, and she has the creativity and talent to only make us better.
But when she left the booth with Brad and Marius and I watched her dancing with them I felt a lightning strike of jealousy rip through me, something I’d never felt before. After a few songs of absolute torture, I grabbed Hailey and dragged her to the dance floor with me, wanting just to be near Cadence. But she turned away from me each chance she got. It made me really wonder, is there something going on with her and Marius? Since the day he drove her home, there’s seemed to be a closeness between the two of them, and she jokes with him and flirts with him when she’s always careful to keep me at arm’s length.
At least I could understand when it was with Brad and Marius, but then when the fuckhead came up behind her, it almost killed me to watch her lean back into him, letting him grind against her and her reaching up to touch him. Hailey had watched me seethe and held me back, telling me I had to let her do what she wanted.
But then, when it seemed like she didn’t want his advances anymore, and was trying to get away, I couldn’t get to her fast enough. We’d drifted a little way from the group and hordes of people were in the way when I tried to get to her. I keep playing that image in my head of him yanking her by the hair back and striking her across the face with his backhand. In that moment I could’ve died. Or sold my soul to the devil to let me relive that moment, only this time, I would have gotten to her in time.
She had been so limp in my arms, so small and helpless. I wanted to breathe life back into her, back into the woman I first met in the shop, ranting and lecturing me, the woman in the music class room, her face lit up with pride, the woman in rehearsals, lost in the passion of creating music - not this battered, injured little bird in my arms.
When I went back to the club, the guys had dragged the asshole out to the side alley and were teaching him what happens when you hit women.
Marius held him back while Brad was letting out some repressed anger. When they saw me, they’d each taken an arm and waited. Watched me take my belt off and wrap one end around my hand. They knew what was coming, and there wasn’t an ounce of mercy for anyone who got what they deserved if I’d decided they deserved it.
“Do you think hitting a woman who doesn’t want your sticky, dirty fingers on her makes you a big man?” I’d come up close to his face, and asked him; his stinking breath making me disgust with him even more.
He’d just whimpered.
“Well, it’s not. It makes you a small, small man. A small tiny man with a teeny weeny, shriveled chicken dick. One that’s going to shrink up into your body and take a long, long time before it’s going to want to come back out again, when I’m done with you.”
I’d raised my hand over my head.
“Sebastian. Don’t.”
A voice had spoken up.
It was Dennis.
“She wouldn’t want this.”
“She didn’t want him either, and look what happened,” I turned around and reminded my manager.
“So, how does that make you better than him?”
I replayed the moment his hand had hit her and the way she’d crumpled to the floor. And I wanted to hurt him, have him crumple to the floor as many times as it’d take for me to forget that moment.
But it wouldn’t ever be enough.
“Let him go, guys.” Dennis had said to them. And they’d hesitated.
“Tell ‘em, Sebastian.” It took a moment, but I’d lowered my hand and nodded.
He’d fallen to the ground, sniveling, hugging his side from the gifts Brad had lain on his body.
“Come on,” Dennis’ hand was warm and firm on my shoulder and he’d led me away.
And now we were here.
Me watching over her and wondering if I was ever going to get over the guilt.
***
“Sebastian?”
A soft voice speaks my name and I lift my head from the side of the bed. Her eyes are opening slowly and she tries to move.
“Hey, you...don’t move. Can I get you something?”
She clears her throat gently, “I’m a little thirsty. Where am I?”
“You’re in my bed.”
“Oh. Well, was it as good for me as it was for you?”
I sigh softly and smile, glad to see some of her spark back. “It’s always good for me, Cadey, even the times it’s so good you can’t remember them.” I get up from the chair by the bed and she makes a soft noise. “What’s wrong?” I turn back to her.
“Um, nothing, just...um...don’t leave,” she says in a small voice, as if embarrassed.
“I’m just going to get you some water...then I’ll be right back. OK?”
“Ok,” she says softly and I squeeze her hand to reassure her.
I grab a bottle of water and a straw from the drinks cart and come back to the bedroom.
Her breathing is soft and steady again, and I guess she’s fallen back asleep. I tiptoe out only to hear her call out to me.
“I’m not asleep, don’t leave, please.”
Her vulnerability breaks my heart. How could anyone do this to her?
“Hey, don’t worry, I’m right here.” I sit back down and hold the bottle for her to take a drink. She takes a small sip and lies back, as if exhausted by the effort.
“Seb?” It’s the first time she’s ever called me by my shortened name.
“Yeah?”
“Can you...can you play something for me?” She asks me shyly.
Oh my god. Yes, sweet angel. “Oh, of course, why?”
“It, um, it just comforts me.”
“Sure, anything in particular?”
“No, you pick. You’ll know what I want better than I do.”
I grab my cello and sit back down. She smiles at me and then closes her eyes, settling down deep into my bed.
I pull the bow across the strings, my hands already knowing what I want to play.
“How ‘bout this one?” I play each note slowly and deliberately, letting each sound linger in the air and soak into her bruises and wash the hurt away. She smiles and nods, eyes still closed. Halfway through the song she opens her eyes and watches me. In the soft glow of the late night, with her watching me, my fingers find their own way on the strings as I smile at her and mouth the words, “I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you, won’t let nobody hurt you...”
She sighs gently as the song comes to an end. “Thank you.
I just nod and start to play a soft melody I’d been playing with for the last few weeks.
“What’s this one called? It’s so pretty. Is it an original?”
“Yes. It doesn’t have a name yet.” I lie to her.
“Let’s give it one.”
“Ok. What do you think it should be?”
“Something beautiful.”
“That’s easy. I have an idea.”
“Ok good. You can tell me when I wake up.” She starts to slur and her eyes close as her breathing slows.
“Ok...”
“Just don’t stop playing.”
“I won’t.”
And I play until she falls asleep, the sun comes up and my fingers bleed.
CADENCE
“So then Sebastian put you into the car and you passed out! You don’t remember that part?” Sarah asks as she fluffs the pillows behind me and pushes me back to lie against them.
“Well, not really. I remember the guy, and then I remember the doctor and then the Sebastian part last night.”
“What do you mean the Sebastian part last night?”
“Um, nothing. Where is everyone?” I look around. It’s deathly quiet, which is rare whenever the band is around.
“Well, the guys are outside wanting to come visit and Dennis is off dealing with ...well, let’s just say, there were some photos.”
“Of what?”
“Of Sebastian bashing up the guy.”
“What?” Oh, Sebastian.
“Don’t worry about it, Dennis is dealing with it.” She waves her hand, trying to get me to stop asking.
“Damn.”
“Can I let the guys in?” She asks when we hear a soft knock on the door.
“Sure. Wait, how do I look?”
“Like you ran into a telephone phone with your face over and over again for fun.”
“Nice.” To be honest, it was how I felt.
“Guys, come in,” Sarah calls out to the guys.
The door opens slowly and Brad, Marius and Jez file in, tiptoeing in one by one and standing in the far corner of the room. They look sheepish and don’t say anything and avoid any eye contact.
“Hey, guys,” I say to them. And they just lift their hands and do small finger wave. It’s kinda weird.
“Um, how are you guys?” I ask, looking at Sarah, who just shrugs.
They look at each other and say nothing. Finally, Brad elbows Jez and he takes a small step forward.
“We are fine, thank you, how are you?” Jez finally whispers, enunciating each word slowly, before taking a step back to lean against the wall.
I blink.
Someone has replaced the band with some sort of pod people.
“Um, guys, what’s going on?” I ask them again.
They bite their lips and look at each other again. This time it’s Brad that gets the elbow and he leans forward.
“Sebastian said we’re not allowed to make any noise or bother you,” Brad whispers even lower than Jez did. “He said if we did, he’d cut our tongues off, since we didn’t need them because we are an instrumental band.”
I can’t help but laugh and then flinch as a sharp pain torches its way through my head.
“Owww.” I moan and hold the side of my head with my hand.
“Uh oh.” Marius’ eyes bug out and he presses his finger against his lips.
I giggle and wave him forward, he looks around before approaching the bed and leans in to look at me right in the eye.
“Guys, stop, I’m fine.” I say, smiling and pinching Marius’ cheek. “You can talk normally.”
“But Sebastian said...”
“Is Sebastian here right now?” I ask, both as a way of making my point, and trying to find out where he is.
They shake their head in unison like a row of the clown heads game at the county fair.
“So, it’ll just be between you and me.” I wink at them.
“And Sarah?” The guys look over at her.
“Yeah, you in, Sarah?” I ask her, grinning.
“Dude, anything to stop them tiptoeing around and trying to mime shit. It’s been a weird hour with them out there like Cirque du Soleil clown freaks.” She throws her hands up, exasperated.
“So, please be normal now.” I beg them.
They look at each other for a moment, and then sigh, as if they’ve been holding their breath for an hour.
“We were so worried about you!” Marius sits down on the bed, and reaches over and grabs a chocolate from the box Sarah brought with her.
“No need, guys. I really am fine.” I’m touched at how genuinely worried they seem.
“We’re so sorry we didn’t deck that guy before he got to you.” Brad hangs his head, and as bad as I feel, I guess it’s nothing compared to having had to watch it and feel helpless. But it wasn’t their fault. I had wanted to take care of it myself, I didn’t think the guy would actually get so violent. I reach over and pat Marius on the shoulder, his face is red and I feel bad that I’d put them through it.
“So where is Dennis now?” I ask, wanting to get more information on the photos supposedly leaked about Sebastian.
“Er...”
“What?” This can’t be good.
“Sebastian said...”
“Guys, fuck Sebastian... he’s not here. Tell me what’s going on?” The pounding behind my eye is getting worse and I want to hear what they have to say before I take another painkiller and it makes me woozy.
“Look, nothing actually happened, it just looks bad.”
“What looks bad?”
“Tell her. She’ll find out eventually, and she’s getting worked up.” Sarah suggests.
Jez sighs and Brad nods, encouraging him to talk.
“Look, after Sebastian grabbed you and took you out to the car, um, Brad and Marius grabbed that asshole and dragged him outside, um, you know, to teach him a lesson.”
“Oh guys...” I look over at them and they look sheepish.
“So then Sebastian shows up and, um, well, let’s say, he was pissed.”
“What did he do?”
“He didn’t do anything.”
“Guys, come on.”
“Look he didn’t, he, um, he just threatened the guy, er, with his belt, but he didn’t actually do anything. Dennis got there and talked him out of it. Which, frankly, I’m surprised worked. He was really fucking pissed.”
“But, well, the guy’s friends had followed us out there and took photos of Seb with the belt in his hand and um, threatening him.”
“Damn. Idiot!” I did not want this. I hate that I have put the guys in any sort of PR trouble. It’s part of the reason I didn’t want to get involved with Sebastian in the first place.
“He didn’t do anything to the guy, Cadence. He...might’ve, but he didn’t. These claims are bogus. Don’t worry about it. Dennis will take care of it. He knows what he’s doing.”
“Where is Sebastian now?” I ask, wondering if he’s trying to stay away from me, the troublemaker.
“We don’t know.” Brad shrugs.
“He’ll come back. He has loner tendencies, he just needs time to work through shit.” Jez reaches over and squeezes my arm to reassure me.
“Now...YOU guys,” I point to Brad and Marius, ready to lecture them for their part in this.
“Uh oh....nap time!” And they run out of the room.
SEBASTIAN
I hear the guys come back to the rehearsal room from visiting Cadence in my room. I’m dying to ask them how she is, but I don’t want to hear the same lecture they’ve been giving me for the last few hours.
“Hey,” Jez comes to sit down next to me.
“Hey.” I say, not looking up from my phone.
“She’s OK.” He tells me, knowing me well enough to know I’m dying to know but too stubborn to ask.
“Good. Yeah, um, good to hear.”
“She’s asking after you.”
“Yeah, I’ll, um, I’ll go visit her later, she needs her rest. You guys probably got her all riled up.”
“We didn’t,” he protests instantly, and I feel bad for saying it. I know they care about her a lot. “Anyway, she’s fine, maybe a little rattled, but her bruise doesn’t look too bad.” He adds, running his fingers along the side of his face as if picturing her.
I grip my phone tight, wondering how he could be so blasé about her injuries.
“Yo, Seb. Why don’t you get off your ass and stop being a dick and go visit your girl?” Brad yells over to me from his spot in front of the TV.
“She’s not my girl,” I reply through gritted teeth.
“Coulda fooled me,” Marius says under his breath.
“What did you say?” I challenge him.
Marius stands up and faces me, “Come on, man. You think we don’t know what’s going on? What’s been going on since you brought her here? You’re so fucking in love with her, you can’t see straight. Although, since I’m guessing you haven’t gotten her into bed yet, I’m surprised you can walk straight too.”
“Marius...” Jez says, in a warning tone, and stands up, moving in between us.
“No. He needs to hear this. She is lying in a strange bed over there, probably scared out of her fucking mind, not to mention hurt, and he’s just sitting here because what? Actually, I don’t know why? Why don’t you tell us?”
“Shut up, Marius,” I snap at him, my fists gripping the sides of my legs, holding my anger back.
“No, I’m not going to fucking shut up.”
“Hey, maybe you’re the one who’s so in love with her.” I throw the accusation at him, glad to finally get it off my chest.
Marius snickers, and waves his hand dismissing my words. “Yeah, keep deflecting.”
“You’re the one who flirts with her, dances with her. Hey, she might not even have been on the dance floor if it wasn’t for you.” The comment hit below the belt, but it’s too late for me to take it back.
He looks at me hurt for a moment, and I want to apologize, but I can’t. I need to blame someone for what happened to her.
“You are such an asshole. Don’t blame what happened on me.”
“You were right there! Why didn’t you stop it?!” I spring up onto my feet and hurl my words at him.
“She didn’t want me to.” His voice somehow still remains calm, which just enrages me further.
“Who cares? Get the girl OUT of the dangerous situation!”
I’ve pushed too far.
“I told you, she didn’t want me to!” He growls and his face twists into a red rage, throwing his arms over his head.
“You do it anyway.”
“So how does that make me different than the guy who’s grabbing her?”
“It’s for her own good. She got hurt.”
“You don’t think I feel bad about that? She’s like a little sister to me, man. You think I don’t feel like shit that I was right there and didn’t stop it?”
For the first time since it happened, I see the guilt painted all over his face. It’s how I feel inside and it’s horrifying to see it I’ve made him feel it too.
Before I can say anything, Dennis walks through the door.
He knows us well enough to know there’s something going on, but he ignores it.
“It’s taken care of,” he says, referring to the photos, I assume.
“And?” I ask as I watch him walk to the drinks cart. He’s obviously had a long day.
“And that’s it. It’s done.”
“How much?” Brad wants to know. It’s not the first time Dennis has had to buy us out of some bad publicity. It’s just part of our life now.
“Enough.”
We know better than to try to get more information from him. He downs his drink and sits down on the couch. Naturally, we gather around him.
“Are we going to have to talk about Cadence?” He turns to us, his tone serious.
“What do you mean?” Marius asks for clarification.
“You know what I mean. Four hotblooded males and one woman. It’s my worst nightmare. It’s been my worst nightmare since I took you guys on.”
“You don’t have anything to worry about.” Marius responds.
“I’m not so sure about that.” Dennis leans forward and peers at Marius, tilting his head.
“Well, don’t look at me, I just told the guys, she’s like a little sister to me.” Marius points to me. “Ask him.”
“Sebastian? Is this something we’re going to have to sort out? Say it now before it’s too late.” Dennis
“No.” I answer with one word, not trusting myself to not reveal my true feelings.
“Seb.” Dennis says warningly.
“I said no.”
“I’ve known you for ten years now. I know everything about you. I know what you smell like during every part of the day. I know that you like no sugars in your coffee in the morning and three at night. I’ve made it my business and YOUR business to know what you want even before you want it. So I’m going to ask you one more time. Do I need to worry?”
“I said no.” I take a breath, trying to keep my voice calm. “I’ve got it under control.”
“I wish I could believe you, mate.”
That made two of us.
He’s right. I had to sort this out, once and for all.