As Evan stood in his living room kissing Ben, he wondered what he’d done to deserve such a man. He’d revealed everything—well, everything that wouldn’t get himself sacked or imprisoned—and somehow Ben still wanted him. Why would anyone sign up for this life?

He pulled back for a moment. “Sorry, I just need to confirm: After all I’ve told you, you’re sure you still want to be with me?”

“I’m sure I want you more than ever,” Ben purred, standing on tiptoe to steal another kiss.

“Because you think spies are cool?”

“Oh, fuck off, I’m not so shallow.” Ben made as if to slap Evan’s chest, but instead smoothed his shirt, his eyes following his hand as he spoke. “It’s because now there’s no more pretending. I can stop wondering who you are and start getting to know the real you.”

Whoever that might be. “I can never share everything. There’ll be times when I have to lie to you.”

“I don’t care.” Ben’s hand stilled on Evan’s chest. “No, of course I care. But it’s not a deal-breaker. If you need to hide things from me, I’ll try not to take it personally, or freak out thinking you’re cheating or losing interest. When you get that faraway look in your eyes I’ll try not to wonder what you’re thinking about. I’ll know that it’s…unknowable.” Ben finally tilted his head up to gaze into Evan’s eyes. “Whatever we could have together, now it can truly begin.”

A wave of near-dizziness swept over Evan. He pressed his forehead to Ben’s.

“Did I make you swoon?” Ben asked.

“A bit.”

Ben examined Evan’s face with serious eyes. Then he wrapped his arms around him. “It must feel strange telling the truth after all this time.”

Evan simply nodded, his cheek brushing Ben’s hair.

“If you want,” Ben said, “we could just sleep tonight.”

Evan’s insides shimmied with anticipation and trepidation. “I’m not sure what I want, to be honest.” He pulled back and looked toward the bedroom. “We could just…see what happens.”

“I like that idea.” Ben headed for the bathroom. “I just need a minute to piss. And by ‘piss’ I mean fix my hair. But also piss.”

Evan carried the two abandoned half-drams of whisky into the bedroom, shutting the door to keep Trent from following.

The moment he neared his bed, he knew: In this room with this man, he felt safe.

Evan stripped off his clothes, then slid beneath the soft blue duvet. Soon a knock came at the door. A moment later Ben entered, his hair slightly tamed and his glasses missing.

He stopped and squinted at Evan’s bare chest. “Something more than sleep, then?”

“Aye.” Evan wiggled his feet beneath the covers. “A lot more, I think.”

Ben tore off his own clothes, tossing them in a pile near Evan’s. Then he went to the end of the bed, where he lifted the duvet and burrowed beneath.

Evan felt a sudden spike of panic. “What are you doing?” he asked as Ben crawled up between his legs. “You’ll suffocate.”

“I can breathe fine,” came his lover’s muffled voice. “Besides, it’s cold.”

“Then let me keep you warm.” He pushed back the duvet and pulled Ben up to lie atop his chest. As their mouths met in a long, deep kiss, Evan felt his pulse first slow with calm, then speed up again with excitement. Soon it seemed daft to worry about losing sight of Ben’s face.

“Definitely warm now.” Ben gazed at him. “God, you’re impossibly gorgeous.”

Evan tried to keep his expression mild as a snippet of memory intruded:

“Such a pretty face. He’ll make a beautiful corpse.”

Ben must have noticed his dismay, because he asked, “Are you embarrassed when I compliment your looks?”

Evan hesitated. Better to appear bashful than broken. “A bit. Just my silly Orcadian modesty.”

“Sorry.” Ben turned his head to look at the bedside table. “Hey, is that a mini-humidifier like the one I’ve got?”

“Aye.” He kissed the edge of Ben’s jaw, bringing his own focus fully back to the present. “I bought it a few days ago, hoping you’d soon stay the night.”

Ben’s mouth slowly opened. “So you were planning to have me come over. Which means you were planning to tell me about your job. There’d be no hiding it once I saw Trent.”

Clearly Ben thought Evan had been forced into sharing his secret sooner than he’d wanted. “After breakfast tomorrow I planned to bring you here to explain everything.” He wrapped his arms around Ben’s waist. “For your birthday, I wanted to give you the truth.”

Ben’s face softened. “Wow.”

“And also another gift. Don’t worry, I’m not that cheap.”

“I don’t need another gift. Just having all of you, that’s what I need.”

Evan quirked an eyebrow and glanced at the nonexistent space between them. “So what are you waiting for?”

Ben smiled and kissed him again, even more deeply than before. When they parted for breath, he said, “I was thinking…I know you’re bigger than I am and sometimes I come off as a bit of a femme. But there’s no need to adhere to stereotypes.”

Evan wasn’t sure what he meant. “Sorry?”

“I’m saying don’t feel obliged to top if you’d rather…” He swept a hungry gaze downward. “…not.”

“Oh, I see.” Evan felt turned on—and a bit relieved—at the proposition. Anything to make this time less like the last time. “Are you saying you want to fuck me?”

Ben looked away, and even in the dim light it was obvious he was blushing. “I dunno. Maybe?”

Evan remembered what Ben had told him last Sunday, how he had trouble owning his desires. He drew his leg up to brush the outside of Ben’s hip. “You can fuck me, if you tell me you want to. And if you tell me how much you want to.”

Ben swallowed, looking uneasy. “Erm…”

“Repeat after me. I want…”

Ben met his eyes. “I-I want.”

“Inside you.”

Ben’s lashes flickered, and down below, his cock twitched against Evan’s belly. “Inside you.”

“As soon as humanly possible.”

Ben relaxed a fraction. “As soon as humanly possible.”

“Good. Now tell me in your own words.”

“Oh.” Ben propped himself up, hands on either side of Evan. “Erm, I-I don’t—”

“Tell me what you want.” Evan reached down and began to stroke himself. “Tell me so I’m dying for you. Tell me so I canna wait to—”

“I want to fuck you.” It came out as a shaky whisper, but only the first time. “I want to fuck you, Evan.” Ben’s eyes turned sharp and stern. “I want to bury myself in your beautiful arse until you scream my name.” His eyes widened gleefully, as if he was scandalized by his own words.

“Yes.” Evan pushed at one of Ben’s hands. “Feel how hard you made me by saying that.”

Ben seized him, then let out a growl as his palm wrapped around Evan’s cock. “I want you. I want all of you.” He moved down and put his hands behind Evan’s knees. “Take these. Spread for me.”

Evan did as he was told, pulling his thighs up and apart. He watched as Ben ran his tongue down his cock, then his balls, swirling over their undersides. Then he felt Ben’s hands on his arse, parting his cheeks. With a single glance at Evan’s face, Ben descended.

Wait. I don’t— Before Evan could protest, he felt Ben’s warm, sweet tongue sweep across his hole. He cried out, as much in surprise as in pleasure. Rimming wasn’t something he’d ever fancied—giving or receiving. It had made him feel far too known. Even now, despite the molten sensations flooding through him, it seemed a threat, like he’d unlocked one too many doors.

But Ben now knew his biggest secret. If Evan could open up his mind, then surely he could allow this.

Especially when this was unraveling him to the core. With hazy vision, Evan looked down to see Ben’s long dark lashes fluttering, and to watch the corners of his jaws moving as his tongue worked its way up, down, over…and finally, just a bit, inside.

“Ah!” Evan let his head drop back for a moment, savoring this liquid exploration that set his cock pulsing with need. Then he raised his head again to see Ben watching him. When their eyes met, Ben smiled, his stubble brushing the skin between Evan’s cheeks.

Evan’s gaze tripped past Ben to the bedroom door. There’s no one there, no one coming. You’re safe. For real this time.

Ben’s fingertip joined his tongue, slipping easily into Evan’s wet hole.

“Ohh…” Every cell in Evan’s body began to spark as he felt Ben’s breath against his balls. Ben’s mouth opened to surround one, then stayed open as he teased with tiny licks. “Please….”

Ben drew Evan’s ball into the warm, wet embrace of his mouth. Evan shuddered and writhed, his bedroom door the most distant of concerns.

When Ben finally paused to raise his head, Evan let go of his legs, just now noticing all four limbs were tingling. “I feel like it’s my birthday instead of yours,” he panted.

Ben grinned as he pushed up on his hands. Then he glanced at the bedside table. “I’m not keen on rifling through a spy’s things, so if you could fetch me what I need…”

“Of course.” Evan opened the drawer and pulled out a small wooden box.

“Ooh, très flash.” Ben took the box and sat on the edge of the bed to examine it. “Is there a secret to opening this?”

“As you turn the latch, you must say the magic phrase.”

“Which is what?”

Evan gave an exaggerated shrug. “Try it and find out.”

With a smile, Ben closed his eyes and whispered something Evan couldn’t hear. The latch turned in his hand. “It worked!” he said with a melodramatic gasp. “I feel like King Arthur pulling Excalibur from the stone.”

“What did you say?”

“You should know. It’s your box.” Ben flipped through the assortment of condoms.

Evan nudged his knee against Ben’s back. “I ken my magic phrase, but what’s yours?”

“I said, ‘Heaven I stroll.’” Ben set one of the condoms and the small bottle of lube on the bedside table, then returned the box to the drawer. “It’s an anagram of your name.”

“You can do anagrams in your head?”

“No, but there’s this thing called the internet.” He tore open the foil packet.

“What were some of the other anagrams?”

“I only remember a few.” He paused as he rolled on the condom. “‘Latrine shovel’ was the worst, but ‘Halest lover in’ wasn’t bad. If I’d known your middle name I could’ve found out where you were the halest lover.” He downed the rest of his whisky, then coughed. “Oh God, that’s awful.”

“You didn’t need to finish it.”

“I did, because I want to kiss you.” He reached for the lube. “I thought you might not want to taste where my tongue has just been.”

Evan went cold inside. “Did I—was it bad?”

“God, no.” Ben reached down between Evan’s legs. “You taste amazing. Everywhere. I was just being courteous.”

It wasn’t long before Evan was ready—literally gasping for it, his mind too swamped with lust to spare a thought for fear.

When Ben attempted to enter his body, Evan felt it offer one final moment of resistance, as if asking permission from his mind. Are we really doing this again after all these months? After what happened the last time?

“Yes,” he answered, and that was all it took.

Heaven I stroll. Never had an anagram felt so apt. As Ben slowly moved deeper within Evan, he did feel as though he was visiting some otherworldly realm. Their movements, their breaths, even their blinks seemed synchronized.

“Ow.” Evan’s eyes popped wide, dispelling Ben’s illusion.

He stopped. “Sorry. You okay?”

“Aye, I just—it’s been a long time since I’ve had a real live cock in me.”

Ben laughed at this uncharacteristic frankness. “I don’t do this often either—top or bottom—so I’m out of practice. I’ll try to be more careful.”

“You’re perfect. This is fine.” He glanced behind Ben toward the door.

Ben turned his head, expecting to see Trent approaching the bed, but the door was still shut. “Are you sure? I could pull out and we could switch.”

“Don’t you dare.” Evan took Ben’s arse with both hands and drew him deeper inside. Then he winced a little. “Just give me a minute.”

He slid his arms beneath Evan’s shoulders and let his own hips go loose. “Here, you take over. Take what you need.”

Evan smiled, then grasped Ben’s arse tighter. With their chests pressed together, Ben held still, letting Evan guide him back and forth, in and out. He noticed with relief that relaxing his body let him rein in his excitement. “This is better. If I’d kept fucking you of my own power, I’d probably be on the brink of coming.”

Evan’s eyes sparked with amusement. “Why, do I feel good?” He punctuated his question with a quick flex of his inner walls.

“Ooft.” Ben struggled to keep it together. “Are you fishing for a compliment? Is my rigid, quivering stauner not enough to stroke your ego?”

“It’s enough to stroke everything. Well, almost everything.” His gaze went to the ceiling as he took a deep breath. Then, as he let it out, he pulled Ben deeper than ever. “Oh!” His eyes rolled up. “Now there’s everything.”

Yes. Ben had been dying to see that beautiful face close up, painted with pleasure. Now all he could do was stare as Evan’s dimpled chin tilted up, as his tongue and teeth turned his bottom lip wet and red, as his golden hair glowed against the dark-blue pillowcase.

Evan clutched at him, fingers and thumbs digging into his glutes. He began to thrust upward, consuming his cock again and again. Ben had never felt a body react to his with such raw hunger.

Then he moved his hands to Ben’s hair. “Now you. Just like this.” His eyes held a determined light. “Soon I’ll need it hard and fast, but not yet. I just want to look at you. I want to kiss you while you fill me up.”

Ben grasped the underside of Evan’s pillow for stability, then eased forward, this time feeling no resistance.

Their mouths meshed, muffling their groans. Ben swore he was growing harder with every silky slide in and out of Evan’s body. Soon those strong thighs were wrapping round Ben’s waist, holding him steady so he could find his rhythm.

And when he found it…it was the closest thing to magic he’d ever felt. He watched, mesmerized, as Evan’s expression cycled between aching need and pure delight. Their moans seemed to harmonize, rising in pitch and volume with each minute.

Before long, Ben needed more—or maybe less. Either way, he couldn’t go on like this. “Evan…” he said between gasps. “Can I…”

“Pound me till we come? Yes. Please.”

Ben planted his hands on the smooth planes of Evan’s pecs. “I warn you, I won’t last long.”

“Good. Me neither.” After another fleeting glance toward the door, Evan grasped his own legs and pulled them higher than ever.

Bracing himself, Ben drew back, then slammed forward.

“Yes!” Evan’s neck turned to cords of muscles. “More.”

Ben did it again, harder, and again, and again. He pinned Evan’s shoulders to the bed, savoring his own illusive strength.

Evan pulled his legs back farther, his feet nearly to his head now, letting Ben rise higher on his knees to drive into him with more force. As Ben quickened his rhythm, Evan begged for more and more and more, his pleas turning to sobs.

Then Evan’s voice pitched high and tight. “Oh God yes! Please…just like that. Make me come, Ben. Make me come.”

“Do you need my hand?”

“Just your cock.” Evan let out another moan. “Just keep…” His grip tightened on his ankles, knuckles turning white. “Ohhhh.”

The sound of Evan’s pleasure, combined with the sight of that gorgeous body rocking beneath him, brought a familiar thickness to the base of Ben’s shaft. Instinct told him to slow down to stave off his own orgasm, but Evan’s voice kept urging him on.

God, I know this is a terrible thing to pray for, but please let him come soon.

Just then Evan screamed, face contorted, his entire body quivering and spasming. Ben barely recognized the man beneath him, so utterly out of control.

He felt the surge from within at the same moment he saw Evan’s cock release its shower upon his chest and abs. He gave one last, deep thrust, holding himself inside to feel the rhythmic clutch of Evan’s arse, doubling, then trebling the intensity of his orgasm. Ben’s sweat-slick hands slipped from Evan’s shoulders, and he collapsed atop him in a reckless heap.

Evan pulled him close as they spent themselves together. He grasped Ben’s arse once again and rose against him. “So good…” he said in a shaky whisper. “So good.”

Ben wanted to echo that sentiment—wanted to use a word a thousand times bigger than good—but couldn’t make his tongue form syllables. He carefully withdrew from Evan’s body even as those arms and legs still held him close. His eyelids grew heavy, and he longed to fall asleep here on Evan’s chest, feeling that heartbeat slow with his own.

Finally Evan murmured, “It’s Fredrik, by the way.”

“Hmm?”

“My middle name. One e, no c.”

“Ah.” Ben buried his nose in Evan’s neck and sighed. “Thank you for sharing.”

Evan broke into a giddy laugh that quaked them both. Then he let his arms fall to the mattress with dramatic thuds. “My God, that was…”

“Yeah.” Ben reluctantly shifted off him, then managed to dispense with the condom despite his fingers’ exhilarated trembling.

Evan groaned as he got out of bed, but by the time he reached the door his movements were once again graceful as a panther’s. “Back in a minute and tidy you up. Don’t move.”

I couldn’t if I wanted to. Ben stretched his languid limbs, toes pushing into the fluffy duvet at the foot of the bed. It was well after midnight. For the first time, the arrival of a non-leap year March 1st didn’t seem anticlimactic, as though his birthday had passed in a blink. If anything, he felt like he’d lived a year in one day.

It had all culminated with Evan sharing his most solemn secret, placing his utmost trust in him. Ben’s throat thickened as the truth hit home: This relationship was serious.

What they’d done in this bed had been a true connection of body and soul. So Ben couldn’t feel ashamed, not when he believed with all his heart that he’d been created this way—not as a test but as part and parcel of the gift of life.

When Evan appeared at his bedroom door with a washcloth and towel, Ben held out his palm and said, “Wait. Do the walk.”

Evan stopped. “Sorry?”

“The one from the opening credits of the Spooks TV show. The slow-motion, do-not-fuck-with-me-for-I’ve-got-the-most-important-job-in-the-country walk.”

“Sorry, that walk is strictly for senior officers,” Evan said as he approached the bed at normal speed. “I could be sacked for going slo-mo without proper training.”

“I’d never tell your bosses.” Ben put on his best pouty face. “Pleeeeease?”

“Fine, fine.” Evan went back to the door, where he paused. “Don’t look directly at me. The walk’s magnificence has been known to scorch the most resilient retinas.” He disappeared into the hallway.

Ben sat up to get a better view.

In a few moments, Evan reentered the room, still naked, still holding the washcloth and towel. This time he moved in a slow, protracted swagger, swinging his arms and scanning his surroundings with an all-seeing sneer.

It was kind of hot, but mostly hilarious. By the time Evan reached the bed, Ben was curled into a ball laughing.

“Mocking my life’s calling, aye?” Evan wrestled Ben onto his back, soaking him with the washcloth as he squeezed it. “You need a lesson in respect.”

Ben laughed harder. “What are you going to do, waterboard me?”

They both froze. Ben’s face heated even as his spine laced with cold. “I’m so sorry.” He put a hand over his mouth, wishing he could stuff the words back inside. “What a horrible thing to say.”

Evan set the cloth on Ben’s chest and climbed off of him, looking shaken. “It would’ve been worse if I’d said it.”

“Because you’re a white government agent and I’m Middle Eastern. But you didn’t say it. I did.”

“Still.” Evan sat on the edge of the bed, shoulders hunched. “We are what we are.”

“Is that a problem?” Ben felt the breath tremble in his throat.

“Not to me, and not to the Service.” Evan hung his head. “But if you see me as some sort of secret-police torturer—”

“I don’t.”

“A lot of people do. They think we’re like the characters on that show you just made me act out.”

“I don’t,” Ben repeated, wiping his own chest with the warm, damp cloth. “It was just a poor joke. Sometimes words fly out of my mouth like—” He stopped, unable to think of a non-weapon metaphor. “What if I was Muslim?”

“You’re not.”

“But what if I was?”

“Then you’d be a different person.” Evan turned to look at Ben, twisting the towel in his hands. “Right? If you were Muslim or Christian or atheist or anything else? Isn’t being Bahá’í who you are? Isn’t it partly down to your religion that you’re so…”

“So what?” Ben asked. “So weird?”

“So wonderful.” Evan moved to sit next to him, then drew the soft, dry towel over Ben’s chest and throat. “You are the loveliest person I’ve ever met,” he said, his gaze following his own hand. “Maybe it’s your faith or maybe you were just born that way, but whatever the reason, that’s what you are. Anyone would be daft not to want you in their life.”

Ben opened his mouth but could emit only a barely audible “Oh.”

“‘Oh’ what?” Evan asked.

“Oh…kay.” Ben nodded. “Okay.”