CHAPTER 21
Haley’s hands shook as she reached for the dipstick she’d laid next to the sink in the bathroom. Her heart hammered against her ribs while her stomach kicked like a rabbit in a net. She was on the pill. This was just a precaution. Right?
Squeezing shut her eyes, she picked up the stick.
Sucking in a deep slow breath she counted. One, two, three. Then she breathed out, opening her eyes.
Two pink lines stared up at her from the space where only one was supposed to be. She blinked, checking again.
Still there. Two pink lines.
Pregnant.
A tiny little thrill of excitement skittered through Haley before being replaced by a tidal wave of panic.
Shit.
Shitshitshitshit.
She wasn’t supposed to get pregnant on the pill. Her hand skated to her belly.
“Oh my God.”
This complicated things. What was she supposed to tell Axe? She’d assured him she was on the pill. She put the stick back down by the sink and walked numbly into the living room, sitting on the couch.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. She couldn’t be a mother. She had no safety net. No family, except Axe’s. And knowing Axe, he’d offer to marry her tomorrow and ask her to stay here on the ranch. And she couldn’t do that. No matter how much she loved Axe.
Her whole body trembled. How could she be a good mother when she didn’t know the first thing about how to take care of another person? With the exception of Mama June, her life had been a series of parenting disasters. She barely remembered her own parents, and only dimly the various aunts and uncles before she’d finally been placed in protective care, most of which had been just as bad.
She stood, pacing in front of the mantle, shaking her hands and trying to slow her rapid breathing. A fierce protective sensation rushed through her, tingling her fingers. She’d never subject a child to the life she’d had. She’d figure this out the way she’d figured out every other difficult situation in her life – with guts and imagination.
She could do this. Heck, Mama June had been a single parent, more or less. There was daycare, and she knew CPARC had decent maternity leave.
And she’d make sure to bring the baby to the ranch. She wouldn’t leave Axe out of the equation. Unless he wanted to be left out.
Her stomach dropped to her toes at the thought. What if he kicked her out of the bunkhouse? What if he never wanted to see her again? Oh God… what if he sued for full custody? Haley pinched the bridge of her nose trying to rein in her out of control thoughts. This baby was going to have one, maybe two parents who loved it. And no matter what Axe felt when he found out, she would never regret this. Not for a second.
For a heart stopping moment, terror gripped her.
In spite of that, a little seed of something that felt a lot like hope took root in her heart. She was going to be a mother. And no matter what happened in future years, she could assure this being that he or she had been conceived in love.
Haley rubbed her hand over the lowest part of her belly again, a bubble of giddy laughter tumbling up her throat. She needed to go find Axe.
She skipped out the door and into the sticky heat. She’d start at the barn first. Someone was sure to be in the barn, and if it wasn’t Axe, whoever was there would know where to send her. A ripple of anxiety corkscrewed up her spine, and she glanced up at the sky as she made her way through the trees. She’d need to check the morning soundings once she sorted this out with Axe. The chatter all morning among the CPARC teams had been about which team to deploy for intercept and which for scouting. The front boundaries were converging just west of Prairie. There was enough fuel in the atmosphere today that the storms would be severe. The question was always where – or if – a tornado would drop. All they could do was guess and be ready to move.
The barn door stood open and Haley slipped in, taking a moment to adjust to the dimmer light. Eddie’s voice boomed through the space. “When are you going to let go of this harebrained notion? I already told Gunn, you need to be spending time on cutting costs, not coming up with more schemes.”
Oh dear.
Haley couldn’t see the men, but she was sure Eddie was arguing with Axel.
“Are you saying that what Hope’s doing is harebrained? I doubt she’d take kindly to that.” Axel’s voice bounced off the walls.
She should slip out before they noticed her. Axel wouldn’t want her here. But her feet refused to move. Axel spoke again, his voice full of excitement and passion. “Pops, you’ve always admitted Hope was the best trainer of the three of us. And no one in the region is offering the kind of training she is. It makes sense to contract with her to teach us, and join forces with her. We could bill ourselves as the only full service stable in the region employing natural horsemanship training.”
“What we need,” Eddie shot back. “Is more horses. This is the smallest our herd has been in over a decade.”
Axel’s voice was tight with frustration. “Yes pops. Because no one is buying horses. Our industry never recovered from the recession. We don’t change, we die. And look.”
There was a silence.
What was he up to?
Haley strained to see where they were, but couldn’t see without moving or bringing attention to herself.
Axel spoke again. “Look. I mocked up a page here. See how you can navigate everything from the phone?”
Haley’s pulse zoomed in her ears. This must be the webpage she’d seen Axel working on the other night. He’d been building mock-up webpages that were compatible with mobile devices. “No one’s carrying a laptop to the barn,” he’d said. “Everyone’s looking at everything on their phone.” He had a good point. And Haley secretly thought he was right about people wanting to retrain the animals they had. Horses were expensive, and much of the work on a ranch could be done with an ATV or other four-wheelers. Sure, there would always be a market for gentle horses that made good family pets, but the market was glutted. She’d been shocked and saddened when Axel had disclosed how many horses were killed every year simply because no one wanted to care for them anymore.
Eddie’s voice cut into her thoughts. “Enough of that marketing mumbo-jumbo. We don’t need to paint ourselves up.”
“We’re not–”
Eddie’s voice cut off Axel. “Hansen Stables has always had a stellar reputation. That’s enough.”
“Not when our business is down,” Axel shot back.
“If our business is down, then it’s up to you to cut costs.”
“Not if you want to grow, Pops. You need to reinvest strategically.”
Eddie’s voice grew cold. “I’ve successfully supported this family for decades. Put three kids plus a niece and nephew through college. And Maddie’s college wasn’t cheap. We’ve supported three families with this property. Don’t tell me I need to change what I’m doing. When you have that kind of success, then you can boss me.”
“Why am I still having to prove myself? My worth?” Axel exploded. “Fuck, Dad. I’m thirty-two. Quit trying to box me in and force me to be something I’m not. When was the last time you sat down and really looked at the books? We’ve been steadily losing money for a decade. I have good ideas. I’ve had good ideas for years. If we’d implemented even half of my ideas, our books would be a lot better and we’d be well on our way to supporting the next generation of Hansens. But no. I’ve kept listening to you. Doing it your way and keeping my mouth shut.”
Haley could tell by the tone of Axel’s voice, that he was on a roll. Letting out years of frustration. Pride surged through her. She knew how much it took for him to confront his father this way. Axel would never admit it, but he worshipped his father. Wanted his approval more than anything, and she’d always felt more than a little bad for him that he’d never received it.
Axel spoke again. “Hell, I let the love of my life walk away ten years ago because you told me she was just a hothead and would come back. That if she loved me she’d settle down and be a good ranch wife. Work beside me and support me the way ma supports you. And you know what?” His voice grew thick with emotion. “She didn’t.”
“Then she’s not the woman for you. You know your place is on the ranch. It always has been. And if you know what’s good for you, for us, you’ll let go of your crazy ideas and step up like Gunnar has.”
Axel barked out a bitter laugh. “Ha. It always comes back to how great Gunn is, doesn’t it? What is it going to take for you to take me seriously? Settling down with a wife of your choosing?”
Haley flashed hot, then cold.
She’d heard more than enough. Her mind went blank as realization dawned on her. Eddie would never accept her because she wasn’t ranch wife material. And without Eddie’s approval, Axel would never be allowed to step into his legacy. And while she loved Axel, she could never in a million years be a ranch wife. She didn’t doubt that Axel loved her. Then and now. But he loved this land more, and his heart was here, rooted in soil and sky.
Despair knifed through her, buckling her knees. The ache of it stole her breath. She clutched at the barn door to steady herself, then slipped out, stumbling into the bright sun.
For a fraction of a second, she’d allowed herself to imagine the possibility of a life with Axel. Somewhere, somehow. But she’d been foolish to think for even a fraction of a second, that he’d ever choose her over his family. And she’d never ask him to. Somehow, without realizing it, she’d wound up right back where she was ten years ago. And this time her heart wouldn’t recover.