Once I’m safely shut inside my office, I lean back against the door and expel a large sigh. I wasn’t prepared to see Noah first thing today. After last night, I was hoping to have a couple of days to regroup. I need to get my emotions in check and my hormones too. Just being in the same room had my stomach fluttering madly. I avoided looking in his direction, but that didn’t stop my nose from catching the masculine scent of him. I don’t know him well enough anymore to distinguish if it was his cologne, his soap or deodorant I was smelling, but I’d like the opportunity to get close enough to figure it out.

Shaking my head in disgust at my weakness, I push off the door and cross the room to take a seat behind my desk. Turning on my laptop, I organize some paperwork that needs sorting through at some point today.

I type Noah’s name in the search bar and click enter. Good god. I’m astounded by the number of posts about him. His name is trending.

I read through one article which basically paints Noah as a big bully who picked a fight with an innocent guy. Another report paints him in a more favorable light, but he still comes out looking like a trouble maker. There are about thirty other articles just like these, all a mixed bag of what happened. I need to watch the video so I can form my own opinion of what went on. Clicking on a link, I sit back, all my focus absolute as it all unfolds on my computer screen. From what I can see the other guy went at Noah first, but he should know better than to get in bar room brawls at his age - not to mention at this point in his career.

I wonder if his lack of control had anything to do with our conversation last night. I chew on my bottom lip and ponder this possibility.

No. I can’t believe one has anything to do with the other. He broke up with me four years ago and I’ve never heard from him since. Why would he care if I didn’t want anything to do with him?

Resting my elbows on my desk, I cup my cheeks in my hands and stare at his image on the screen in front of me. I came here looking forward to focusing on some of the tasks I haven’t been able to accomplish yet, but now my work day is all about Noah Fucking Nolan.

Three hours and five cups of coffee later, I’ve answered countless emails and phone calls regarding Noah’s barroom incident. It’s later than I planned when I shutdown my laptop and organize all the papers into appropriate piles on my desk. Tomorrow is Sunday and I’m off for the day.

Grabbing my cell phone and keys, I lock up my office and then head to my dad’s. His door is closed and the lights are off inside. Great. There goes my plan to grab a ride with him.

Spinning around, I make my way toward the exit. I’ll order an Uber and wait for them outside. Pushing the keys into my front pocket, I lower myself to the curb in front of my dad’s vacant parking spot.

I google Noah’s name to check for any new developments and as I’m scrolling through all the nonsense, he comes outside. I don’t need to look up to know it’s him. When he stops in front of me, his tall form casts a large, dark shadow over me. My senses are overloaded with everything he is. Fresh from the shower, I can smell his signature scent. Maybe it’s his soap after all. My eyes scan him from his boot covered feet, up his faded jeans, noticing where they mold to his thick, muscular thighs. I remember what lies just above and to the center of those thighs. I’ve tried to forget, but I’m still haunted by memories of our first and only time together.

“I love you Ray, more than anything in this world. Never forget that.” His voice was a harsh whisper against my ear infused with rapid breaths as he made love to me with long, slow strokes.

“Thank you for everything you did today to diffuse the situation,” he says, a helmet clasped in his hand.

“No problem,” I reply, glad for the interruption of my wandering thoughts. Thinking about the past is never good when it comes to him. He pushes his black sunglasses up on his head. His green eyes scan the parking lot, before returning to me. “Do you need a ride home?”

Shaking my head, I reply, “No, I’m waiting on an Uber.”

I watch him study my face, his eyes slowly sweep over each angle and curve. It’s unsettling to have him so focused on me. “I’m happy to give you a ride.” He gestures with his chin at the shiny motorcycle parked three spaces over from where I sit.

“Nice bike,” I keep my reply short. I don’t want to be having a conversation with Noah. I just want him to keep his distance.

“Thanks, it’s a much better ride than that old dinosaur I used to take you out on.”

“I’m good. Don’t let me keep you,” I say, ignoring the reference to his old motorcycle. God, we took some great rides on that bike. I can remember being wrapped tight against his back, my arms snug around him and never wanting those moments to end.

He doesn’t take the hint and before I realize what he’s up to, he takes a seat beside me on the curb. Placing the helmet on the sidewalk next to him, he leans forward. His elbows rest on his legs and his hands dangle between his knees. “I figure if we’re going to see each other every day we should probably try to make peace between us.”

My head snaps in his direction. “I made my peace with what happened, long ago. I’m all set.” I scowl at him. Realizing our faces are much closer than I’m comfortable with, I focus straight ahead. I’ve already wasted enough time on this asshole.

“Yeah, you seem real peaceful around me.” He chuckles, shaking his head. “Look, I’m sorry for the way things ended with us. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I didn’t really have a choice.”

I can’t believe he’s trying to blame someone else for his actions. No one was there that night holding a gun to his head.

“If you say so.” I raise my shoulders in a shrug of resignation and stare at the paved driveway in front of me. He’s going to spin our breakup any way he wants, but he can’t rewrite history. I was there too.

“Ray,” he says my name. I don’t respond. “Ray, look at me,” he orders, then captures my chin between his thumb and index finger. He turns my face to meet his until our eyes are locked and our lips are only inches apart. My skin tingles from his touch as if he’s sent live energy coursing through me. My breathing picks up and so does his. My eyes move down to his masculine lips and I remember what they felt like moving over mine - like it was only yesterday. Soft. Hard. Slow. Fast. Teasing. Biting. Licking. Sucking. Pushing. Pulling. Each kiss he gave was different, one not better than another. Every touch from Noah was magical and I felt them all in each cell of my body.

“You’re so fucking beautiful.” He shakes his head, his eyes gently tracing over my face. “Looking at you hurts, Ray. Seeing you each day is horrible.” He pauses, raking his teeth over his bottom lip. “And wonderful. Being around you is a constant reminder of what I lost when I gave you up.” He slowly outlines the shape of my mouth with his thumb.

My breath halts for a moment. My heart pounds an irregular beat from the gentleness of his touch. It’s a reminder of how he used to be. He always made me feel loved and cherished. Damn it. If he loved and cherished me so much we’d still be together.

“No matter how much I want you, Ray, no matter how much I miss you, we won’t happen.” He caresses my cheek with the back of his fingers. “Everything is riding on this fight and I can’t afford to blow this opportunity.” He drops his hand to his lap, but keeps his face close to mine. Close enough for me to notice the icy silver specks in his irises. Close enough for me to feel his warm breath fanning over my lips. His eyes pierce into mine, so much turmoil reflected in them. I hate him for bringing all these chaotic and conflicting emotions to the surface again. I want to smash our lips together and kiss him until we erase the hurt of the last four years, but I know that’s impossible. Some things stay with you forever. Noah Nolan is a permanent scar on my fragile heart and I’m not the naive schoolgirl I was back then.

I narrow my eyes. “Who said I want this to happen?”

“It’s written all over your face, Ray. I can read you like a book.”

“I guess you don’t know me as well as you used to, Noah. The only thing on my face is confusion. I’m not sure where this is coming from or what gave you the idea I want anything to do with you.” Rising to my feet, I shove my cellphone down into my pocket then brush off the back of my khaki shorts. I need to get away from him. Turning around, I begin to walk toward the gym.

“Running away doesn’t solve anything, Ray.” His words have me freezing in place.

My eyes squeeze shut for a moment and when I open them, I blink away the urge to cry. Spinning around, I cross my arms over my chest. “This isn’t me running away and you should know that. You’re a fucking expert on running.”

“I didn’t run away. I’ve never run from a fucking thing.” He stands up to face me.

“You broke up with me because you were too fucking scared of how you felt about me.” I move toward him, stopping when only inches separate us and my chin is tipped upward in defiance. “You can run from something without realizing it, Noah. I just never took you for a coward.”

His hands grip my upper arms, startling me. “I did what was best for you,” he grits out through clenched teeth.

My breath comes out in a huff. “Sure. Breaking my heart was best for me. Great logic.” I roll my eyes.

His hands tighten on my arms and he shakes me slightly. “I had no choice, Ray. At the time, I was trying to do the right thing.”

“Don’t play the martyr card, Noah. There was nothing noble about what you did. You were a fucking coward and if you’d admit it, I might be able to salvage a tiny grain of respect for you.”

“You don’t understand.” He shakes his head, his hands still latched onto my arms.

“Why don’t you explain it to me so I can?” I ask, my eyes imploring him to tell me. All these years, I’ve wondered what happened. Wondered why he went from saying how much he loved me to telling me I was a distraction. I need to know why. I need closure.

Please tell me so I can move on once and for all. My eyes well with tears.

He doesn’t say anything at first. We silently study one another and I watch his chest rapidly rise and fall.

“Please tell me,” I say, a single tear falling down my cheek.

He watches it slowly trail down until I wipe it away. His eyes shutter like a flip has been switched, closing off whatever emotion he was showing. “Get on the bike, Ray,” he says, his hands releasing their hold on my arms.

Shaking my head, I wipe the remaining wetness from my cheek. “I don’t…”

He cuts me off. “Get on the goddamn bike. I’m driving you home.” His voice is tight with anger or maybe it’s restraint. Maybe he’s dealing with all the conflicting emotions I am. Being this close to him has my head spinning. Feelings I’d buried in the darkest part of my soul have been dredged up and I don’t know what to do with them.

How can I want to kiss him and scratch his eyes out at the same time? I want to hurt him for what he put me through, but I also want to love him forever.

And I do.

It’s never going to end.

Oh my god. I’m still in love with Noah Nolan.